Tuesday, 22 August 2017


because i would get up and rush to the forum first thing in the morning and write with an energy that rarely overtook me otherwise. because you and your co star made me feel like there was nothing more important in this world, even when there was, there always was. because an emotion that's rare has such invincible value. because you said to me in the tiniest bit of time, what people sometimes can't convey in hours, years, a lifetime. because of the so many many things that our meetings meant, you oblivious of them, i too aware. because and some more because. or maybe just like that.

n i s h a n a   e p i s o d e s
fan fiction

Sunday, 20 August 2017

21 oh eight

there are many men who're handsome. there are several actors who are stupendous at acting. there are those moments when a man on the screen takes your breath away and you get sort of stuck. yet the exact set of emotions you make me feel, it's somehow not all of that. there's something here that goes beyond looks, talent, presence... and please there's no question of calling it that fairly lame and ugly word, x-factor. you walked into my evening on an awful tv serial. your hair messy and fluffed up, your clothes loose, your gait awkward, your acting far from polished. but something registered. almost instantly. there's something about him, i heard myself think. and i was not wrong.
there are so many memories of you in my mind, pictures flash before my eyes, sensations drizzle across my shin, or shoulder, or some other innocuous spot which really is not associated with sensuality in any way, for example, upper arms. really?

there, you're looking a certain way at that word. and i'm grinning, thinking, let me go find that scene. 

while looking for shots to get that birthday edit, i hyperventilated. i missed you. i wondered if your world is changing in some significant way soon. i wished i could see you as a new character; what would your name be i wondered. you smiled from a shot at me, you winked there, you turned back and raised an eyebrow, you yelled, you walked slowly up to me, and then you struck a delhi hep guy pose. ha, stay that last one always.

have a great bday, the boy who makes my friends laugh at me, but i don't care, koi faraq nahin padta, d'you understand?

n i s h a n a   e p i s o d e s
fan fiction

episode 40 water of love

"reclaiming the sacred in our lives naturally brings us close once more to the well springs of poetry."~~~ robert bly ~~~

i do not believe in rituals, but there was something sacred in those moments up there. and their interludes were indeed poetry, saying like great poems much more than what's apparent to the eye. you had to listen with your heart.

not too many television shows bring this level of communication. for this i really thank each and everyone involved with this show. i've been thinking about 40, and there's a conch shell blowing through it, and red rising, a man walks before all with a woman in his arms, taking her responsibility, making her his own, being hers. but neither he nor she really know it, perhaps that's the beauty of it all.

"the secret and the sacred are sisters. when the secret is not respected, the sacred vanishes. consequently, reflection should not shine too severe or aggressive a light on the world of the soul."~~~ john  o'donahue, anam cara: a book of celtic wisdom ~~~

i have no idea what the soul really is or if it exists at all. but something other than the material does indeed fill our universe. it was in his eyes, his arm around her so gentle and caring, his hand reaching out to support her head as he held the glass of water to her lips. "khushi... khushi..." he called, a bit beside himself with worry. but her last words to you had been harsh and full of accusations about the kind of man you are. yet, you look at her with eyes that only worry and care.

she hadn't kept a fast willingly. but it was someone's will. he wasn't meant to open her fast with the first drops of water, but looked like something or someone had meant it to happen just that way. sindoor smeared them both by a holy tree where wishes hang on ties full of faith. by shiv parvati's temple, he completed the task entrusted to husbands, and she drank the water before remembering to protest. 108 years had parvati waited for shiv to come to her, there was a sense of their fulfillment in those seconds that he held the glass to her lips, and she let the water flow into her.

when she had had her fill, her focus restored, she was upset with him for ruining her fast. but i wonder, khushi, would you have just taken a glass from a perfect stranger then and drunk something without knowing what it was? or is it that your senses beyond the counted five knew this was no stranger? knew he was to be trusted? knew that water was to be given by him and none else?

water. one of the four elements. and the elements play a central role in iss pyaar ko. not by accident surely, the name of the larger than life, riveting man around whom this story revolves, is arnav, ocean. water in the end is perhaps the most assertive element of all, dousing even fire. and since we are talking about shiv, can't help but remember it was in his locks that he captured the waters of ganga and then let her flow. of water and its shore, happiness, a tale unfolds. and their ebb and flow toward and away from each other is mesmerising as ever.

he comes to her, she rests against him, she resists, and turns away. again a spell. no, it isn't time. stay still, be with him.

instead of thanking him for saving her, she of course berates him. since when do lovers have to behave within the bounds of normalcy. so off she goes. he is upset, "mujhe nahi pata tha ki tumhara... tum behosh ho rahi thi," "i hadn't realised that you (were fasting, perhaps he meant to say)... you were about to faint..." she stalks away, but in seconds she's dizzy again.

he comes yet again to catch her. swiftly, forgetting his anger, her unreasonable words... everything but...

they have the right it seems to be mad at each other and save and be saved by each other too. only one relationship i have encountered that's like that in life. grimly, he tells her "pehle do kadam chalna sikho, phir mooh kholna," first learn to walk a couple of steps, then open your mouth. children shouldn't open their mouths. oh, he is angry. was there a little reference to her yelling at him the other day?

this time, no letting her go. he holds on. she's shocked, then her eyes change, they wonder, they wander. her hand clings to his jacket, his hand firm on her shoulder. the spinning has stopped yet they stand. and time pauses to take in the scene. he's looking at her, angry, but rapt. her hand was on his heart. what did it hear?

"i have always been fascinated by the ocean, to dip a limb beneath its surface and know that i'm touching eternity, that it goes on forever until it begins here again."
~~~ lauren destefano, wither ~~~

tears well up in her eyes. why? where do they come from? from a place of sadness? or of feelings that confuse her, that just ask to flow out and feel the sunlight, the air around? to breathe, to grow?

she steps away, and it's ebb again.

but the mind keeps flowing toward each other. the eyes won't rest till they see what they desire. heads turn, gazes shift, a current of awareness keeps khushi and asr firmly tied to each other, on a day that is all about making and keeping ties.

beautiful direction and emotion play. and completing the episode many nuances of story.


"anjali ji, aap ki thaal... shayad galati se khushi ke paas aa gayi thi."
anjali ji, your platter... perhaps by mistake it khushi picked it up. 

something of anjali's is with khushi by mistake. payal returns it to anjali, perhaps an indication that she will play a major role in rectifying khushi's galati.

"maaf kijiye, anjali ji, par pata nahin kaise yeh aapki amanat hamare paas aa gayi."
forgive me, anjali ji, don't know how, but what belongs to you was left with us.  

pata nahin kaise... don't know how. this is so true of shyam's involvement with khushi. she didn't know the man found her attractive, she didn't know he was married, didn't know he was married to anjali. but khushi will keep anjali's "amanat" safely, as she says later, make sure it is returned to anjali. poignant, and truly sad for both the girls, this ungodly switch. if only it were just about a thaal.

"kabhi kabhi bado ki baat bhi maan leni chahiye."
sometimes, you should listen to what the elders say.

finally, akash opens his mouth. his dream girl, his dupattewali stands there, his di has conspired to keep her back for the diya lighting, and now when it looks like there's a possibility of the sisters staying back here for the puja and there's much yes... no... around it, the boy can't hold back anymore. he says what he has to. ooops, did his only mother hear his words?

"aur humka blouj ke pay-ttern bhi bahuthe achha laga... ekdam aircondisioned... jharokedar."

"and i like the blouse pattern a lot tooo... absolutely airconditioned... with windows."

how to leave without paying tribute to and giving respect to one of the best "dialogue givers" in the show. lavanya didn't know what she got, a compliment or a censure. but mami seems quite determined to keep la happy, after all she might solve the problem of arnav bitwa's inconvenient bachelorhood. and since both are so good at giving "pets names," maybe another hot jodi is about to come together today in this very temple.

"aap janti hain na aapse kitna pyaar karte hain."
"you know how much i love you, don't you?" my first big peeve since show started. why this tacky "disguise" of shyam's voice? surely, with the hints dropped piling higher than khushi's mountain of jalebis, we all kinda knew who the guy was. poor anjali, waits there with full faith. so terribly dependent on this man, who perhaps by marrying her gave her a sense of herself. born with a disability, she was fragile enough, then had come the shattered incident at sheesh mahal. and though we see the visible signs of that tragedy in asr, the seemingly happy anjali remains fractured and fragile inside, her husband her crutch. i see chhotey and yeh as her two mainstays. if either is taken out or messed with, anjali will feel the impact.

sfx: breeze swirls and rises, then envelops all...

did you hear the breeze over those first moments of episode as he stops her fall, pulls her close, lifts her in his arms and gazes at her? how full of thought, emotion, music. calling out to the ocean, tying water to the heavens above, heart beat to heart beat. some of the best dialogues in it, just listen.


those teej episodes
episode rambles


photobucket played a nasty trick. blocked all our images a few days back. said, it wouldn't release them till we paid hefty subscription fees. this was a free photo sharing site. i had to come and edit new pictures and share from imgur instead, on many of my posts here. still working on it. while watching again, i realised how compelling these two actors are. you can't stop wanting to cap a moment or turn it into an edit capturing just that feeling in it. ended up making more and more edits. i loved this one which i'd made a while back.