Thursday, 22 March 2018

what's in a...

and his name is samar.

and, of course, there’s no connection with the fact that for a long time today i read and thought about a poem called samar shesh hai by dinkar. samar? i thought, when i read a quote on a twitter profile. that’s a name... what does samar shesh hai mean? so i found the poem. does samar shesh hai mean the fight isn’t over? does samar mean fight? samar... warrior... battle... life... those last lines of the poem so beautiful. samar shesh hai, nahin paap ka bhagi keval vyadh / jo tatasth hai, samay likhega unka bhi aparadh... the fight’s not done, not just the hunter will bear the sins / those that remain silent, time will write of their wrongdoing too. samar... i know that name. do i know a samar though?

news is, barun is back soon in an altbalaji web series. i worry about that balaji thing, most productions are, well, awful. and the web series format seems to have something tinny about it, like hbo movies... something wrong with the structure itself. but i hear kay kay menon is in the show, which apparently is called, the great indian dysfunctional family; doesn't inspire confidence; a me too thing in it, like a mishmash of several hollywood film names that have left traces in the mind, coined by someone not too good with words.
i am happy.
and i do like the name samar.

 an edit from holi. 

that first time

i was looking for the date when i first saw barun, in a tv soap, and the very first time i felt a funny kind of pull, a recognition almost. i had wondered then what was wrong with me, was i finally regressing? a soap boy who is introduced in the 31st episode, dropped out of several episodes, and me watching this weird thing with searching eyes, where is the boy. no real sign of the acting at that time and a fairly corny story. a soap called shraddha. i really thought i was more ridiculous than i thought i was and my "crush" days from school were here.
it was 9 november 2009, that's when i first saw him. in april 2010, my world rocked in a way i had never ever thought it would. for a year and more i floated around not quite registering reality... going through the motions... my first and only visit to the united states during that time... i lived on the surface without even knowing that's what i was doing... till one day i turned my head and saw a promo of this show.
i turned away and said, huh, rubbish. a few months later i was caught. it was as though this fellow was not going to be denied... i was dragged back into intense feeling and just simple joy, silly joy, sparkling attraction, things i'd forgotten.
through this show came so much back to me, and all of you, and writing... and just being a part of this huge humanity. yes, even that. i go from thread to thread, i chat with people from everywhere... i feel a strong blessing.
the wretched feeling, the rocked world remains and perhaps will always be there, but there are many feelings back in me. my daughter worries that first thing in the morning i run to the comp... i do... my tie back to life is here.
wrote this on 12 april 2012. for some reason am ready to post it now.
ps: just realised i never wrote the name of the show, teehee, do i really have to?


Tuesday, 20 March 2018

an incredible man this asr

what made him exciting and precious was not his tortured past and the jagged edges thanks to it. there are many characters in all sorts of literature and arts who have the appeal of the cut and torn. heathcliff. othello. my little obsession, don draper. oh there are many and all of us i'm sure have a favourite or two.

what made asr beautiful to me, was the way he dealt with his share of rain, his terrible difficulties at a very young age. he faced it, fair and square. he never ran away into fantasy or try to make it better with stories and platitudes. it is true, people say they can understand what you feel, but no one can ever feel the emotions you go through when you cremate both your parents, touching them with the fire that will annihilate, end it all.

his entire sense of trust was badly shaken. his father had betrayed his mother, him and his sister too. the father is a place of trust, respect, solidity. none of that for this boy of fourteen. gone in a moment.

along with it, his haven of love, shelter, growth: his mother.

how terrible that his mother had killed herself because of his father's actions. his beloved mother who tried to teach her taciturn, angry, little chhotey the meaning of life, the value of conscience, of examining things, of giving the rose a chance.

he could have easily become incredibly bitter, harsh, cold. and rich and materially successful, while being drop dead good looking. oh yes, even that would have made him an exciting man, especially watching a woman break through layers of this darkness to matter like mad would be delicious.

but asr went much further than that. he did it his way.

(ok me sucker for individualistic people, do their own thing, prepared to face the consequences, but think and act according to what they feel is right, sounds familiar?)

he held the pain by its horn and charged right back at it, with all of himself, not some cut and lacerated bits of him, everything that's him, the good, the bad, the scared, the broken, the laughing, everything. he promised himself he'd make it ok for all those he loved. that trust, that respect, that solidity, he would restore all of it. he will be nothing like his father (though interestingly the writers gave him his dad's anger issues, wish they had dome something with it), he was nothing like him. he would be honest, clean, hard working, dependable.

and he would not depend on anyone else, i feel this came from the extreme sense of betrayal he felt re one person, the one he depended on, perhaps at some point even his hero: his father.

no god, kismet, fate. asr would make his own destiny himself. no problem if his di and whole family needed their bhagwan to make things happen. he wouldn't try to change them, another sign of strength in my eyes. but he would go it alone. if power and money were what mattered, he'd create enough never to have to look back. of course, there was much about life the boy had to learn, and go way beyond power and money, but his way of dealing with tragedy and his clear eyed courage in taking it all on... breathtaking. my feeling, there was lots of asr's mother and her essential positivity and integrity in his basic character. so even when he seemed harsh and terrible, some part in him always breathed and felt human. ah the guest house scene. dead.

only one concession to the turmoil, and maybe only because a part of him just ached and cried within (for which child would not want their dad to be who they thought he was), maybe that's why the closing down of his heart in one matter. women and love. arnav singh raizada ko kissi ladki se koi faraq nahin padta. a boy was keeping his hurt inside and away, while somehow trying to make amends to his mom. don't worry, i won't ever fall like that, i will always love you and di and my family with all of me. i will be there. i will not fall and become like him, your husband. no place for women inside me, no allowing them in. no getting carried away to saansey ruk jaygi moments. di, you're becoming like nirupa roy every day. a fabulous defence put up by one shattered within and trying to stay calm and strong. (all my conjectures, all may be wrong.)

by giving himself a real job to do in crisis i feel he saved himself. anger brought intensity, but he let his intelligence bring guidance.

his primary reason for going forward was not hate, it became love. for his sister. he anchored himself there, and went into the future, as its maker. this indomitable spirit and not the tortured soul is what made him so very dear to me. not just another troubled, good looker, i wanted to hold in my arms and nurse back to love and such stuff. but a man i admired and wanted to learn from, thrilled me to hear his views on life, love, god, work, and more.

sorry, just coming out of asr deprivation tank, had to write an essay on the man. a bit all over the place, but you know this character deserves as deep a delve as any macbeth othello gora karna heathcliff. 

today is exactly 19 months (wrote this 30 june 2014) since the last episode of ipk and asr... yet he continues unfettered in many minds and hearts, discussions, chats, arguments, edits, vms, everywhere. i wrote this a while ago, made the edit today... wanted to share. please do leave your thoughts and opinions here... looking forward to a cool and happy thread, maybe a little chaotically dhakdhak but hopefully no nastiness. that is reserved only for the incredible one.

as i post this again, it's end of march 2018, more than five years and four months since the last episode of the show. i still feel my breath slowing and a slight choking as i write this. i still speak of asr like he's right there, i still want to see what he might do in a difficult moment, in a lighthearted moment, in a moment with a girl who makes him go "unbelievable".

episode rambles 

a man and a girl who was a woman

a part of a conversation with a friend on india forums.

you had to fall for him, rhea. there was no choice. i too tried hard not to notice. even before seeing the first episode i'd decided, he'd be just a gauche, trying hard to be tycoon actor, and not me, i was not watching all this, i am not into hindi serials anyway.

he'll never look this young again. but he'll look different, older, something else in his eyes. and i hope i will always get that little oh no i'm about to fall feeling when i see him.

breaking my heart that he'll be on tv and i won't be watching.

that womanly thing in khushi... how sanaya portrayed it. smashing. that's what asr did perhaps for khushi, let her reach into herself and find out everything that she was, could be... i loved the way the girl woman was played... so real. i so wish they had given this a chance instead of constantly caging her up. and really, one can theorise and write stories but till actors get it and portray it like that... how how how... serial after serial i am seeing so called better written female leads, supposed chemistry, much delved into concepts of love, but not one gives me a moment like that. when in fact... saansey ruk jaaygi happens. these two... really something else together. i will always hope to see them together again. even when they are as old as nani ji and nana ji.



an edit wrapped in memory

everything in life can't be planned. i hadn't planned on falling for a serial, but when something gets you, it just does. the first episode and the last, something ties them together, is it a pearl dori that doesn't snap? and yet, i hear the pearls scattering, their sound against an unguarded valve of my heart.