Tuesday, 21 February 2017

episode 100 why did i, why didn't i?

an episode that felt like a movement from a symphony. like the second one or maybe the third where the inner underlying feelings are rising and cresting and crashing, even as an overall structure holds, trying to make sure there are no breaches, no overflow, lines hold and the course of the music isn't lost.

asr and khushi were never apart, not from the moment she saw him, in fact from even before that, when he came and stood in the corridor looking at her... anguished. without even knowing it he had felt all the feelings his sister mentioned later... he, an orphan like her, had instinctively known what would happen to her at the news of her beloved babu ji's illness. he had felt guilty for the way he threw her out of the car. that he knew, but his inner workings had quickly calculated what she must be feeling and he'd come running.

and once she saw him and lost all track of everything, just sensing her shore was near, and she'd run to him, flinging herself on him like a wave breaking, like a song reaching a high and letting go... then on they seemed to move together even when far apart, a strange connection between them, neither completely free of the other...

extreme anxiety, it changes things. suddenly your innermost fears are dancing on the surface, relentlessly. in all this while i have never seen khushi say what she said now...

"nahin hai himmat..." i don't have the courage.

"thak gaye hum..." i am tired.

"nahin hota humse yeh sab..." can't do all this any more.

she has smiled and sanka-ed and jalebi-ed and laad governor-ed her way through it all, but it was never easy. there was extreme burden on these young shoulders... from the age of eight. oh to be brave all the time. to laugh, to bear, to never complain, to say all is fine, i am lucky...
now her strength, her father is paralysed, hurt beyond belief, helpless... khushi feels the sweep of this massive moment, it drags her down, she is trying hard to stay afloat...

and he is there.

arnav ji.

without thought she flies to him.

and says, i am broken.

a body blow to him her words, his eyes close, his arms lift, yet he can't hold her in them. who knows what thought deters him. perhaps the feeling he will be swept away if he did? or maybe he knows just as instinctively that he is still linked with another, the ethics of this moment are confounding. for maybe he knows, if he should hug her there would be nothing platonic about it, it would be the hold of one who loves, no, one who needs and adores.

i have no idea why he stops. but this conflict becomes central to the episode's story and its music. a recurring theme, that hug that didn't get completed, and that abandoned crashing of hers into his arms.

she senses something isn't as it ought to be and she steps back...  and a moment of face to face... and the silence loaded with things unsaid, not unfelt... she looks away but she must meet his eyes once... she is khushi, darti hai par karti hai, a magnificent khushi at this moment, vulnerable, innocent, yet fighting back, being what she must be...

for several minutes the camera circles them as though in an arena, a battle place, a ring... at last, he steps forward on a "khushi", the wind is rising, she moves back...

and the feet that had rushed forward without volition on seeing him, retreat. she turns and runs away, fey and light and lilting and unstoppable.
her eyelids and cheeks and lips slightly puffed with crying, the lines soft, tremulous, such heartbreaking vulnerability on her face... she's gone, her dupatta flying, now disappearing beyond that corner... yet in his thoughts, in the brown agony of his eyes she stays.
a family is falling apart before a terrible situation, that feeling of despondency and lack of hope in hospitals.

she's tired, she needs to rest... but a thought makes her jerk to alertness, he is always near, maybe she needs his thoughts now to keep her focused, strong?

"kyun hue hum unke saamne... kyun humey sar rakhne ke liye unki kandhe ki zaroorat padi..." why did i go to him, why did i need his shoulders to lean on?

she acknowledges she did it because she needed him in this fearful, shaken hour. his solidity, his kandhe, his shoulders.

she is wan and slow in her movements.

in contrast, adding a layer to the sound and feeling and rhythm of the tale, is he... moving swiftly, jerkily... pacing.

why? the same "kyun" in his mind as hers. but in his case it's why did i not put my arms around her.

"kyun nahin rakh paya usspe haath main?" why couldn't i put my hand on her.

beautiful writing. unknown to both a feeling has taken over... their instincts make them go, make them stop... a turbulence of emotions in an ocean beginning to reveal its existence. a depthless, endless, myriad hued thing... some may call it love.

"woh ro rahi thi..." she was crying... "shayad chaahti thi ki main usse kuchh kahoon..." perhaps she wanted me to say something to her... "yeh kahoon ki sab theek ho jayega..." say that all will be well...

"aur main..." and i? "main uske aansoon dekhta rah gaya" i just kept looking at her tears doing nothing...

"kya ho gaya tha mujhe?" what happened to me.

it is always a privilege to be witness to arnav singh raizada's reverie. his voice reaches dark hidden corners, high unreachable edges and searches, its grain hints at his state of heart and mind, though he doesn't know it...

"kyun usske ek ek aansoo mujhe iss tarah..." why does every tear of hers does this to...

and he feels something.

a wet patch on his chest... tears.

oh something of hers always lingers around him, staying back even when she is not there, getting stuck, falling off, not wanting to leave him perhaps... payal, jhumka, dupatta. now tears.

his fingers reach the moisture, his thumb and forefinger feel it... as though a moment with her he steals.

an overwhelming moment.

director takes a break to show us the rise of the ugly force, now that it thinks it's in command. shyam manipulates bua ji quite deftly and too easily. she is willing to believe anything he says. bua ji had decided to take a liking to shyam, perhaps a childless woman craving a son was prone to make this sort of mistake. the talk of it being difficult to get a boy for khushi, which of course shyam brings to the fore knowing its value, is a bit irritating, but in their milieu likely true.

bizarre as it may seem, but suddenly talk of shadi starts. i did feel that was a bit forced. but it added the necessary dark foil to the light glowing within the rest of the episode.

here are two men, both in relationships with other women who are affected and aroused by khushi. why is it that in the case of one it feels all wrong, filthy, defiling.

and in the case of the other, even if he has a live in girl friend, it feels right, it feels perfect, in fact. why do i not feel this is wrong? i do believe that is to do with how it's written with poise, restraint and an innocence almost and the actor has interpreted it all.

shyam plays the game of the weak, the sly... he manipulates, he vitiates.

asr can only play like the strong, the brave... examining his own motives, examining honestly, acting with conscience.

walks about distracted, unable to concentrate, that classic pause and stillness before his wardrobe. when troubled he seeks the familiar corners of his room, his poolside, his laptop... he takes his thoughts there and likes to be with them, cloistering himself away. he is not his usual sharp self, something moves in him, aches, questions.

and when his girlfriend comes and hugs him, something spills over within. he must talk to her, to khushi, he must tell her he is here, all will be well, he will make it alright. his eyes close and he does what he has been wanting to do, hold her and reassure her.

his arms go around lavanya... maybe because this is allowed... that is not... and yet his heart and mind transgress a barrier... he talks to khushi holding lavanya... might have been obscene, when shyam did it with anjali, it was... here it felt moving, two people tied in different realities, terribly needing each other. yes, lavanya would get hurt, not because he meant to hurt her, but because certain things are really out of our control.

the growth and surge of love was perhaps the theme of this symphony.

he had always sought control, ever since that terrible night at sheesh mahal. maybe life meant to show him, ultimately we are not in control. especially before love.

"don't worry," the words were wrenched from him it seemed. everything will be alright. sab theek ho jayga.

kya theek ho jayga, asr? what will be okay, asked la mystified. he is taken aback, he is lost.

at the hospital, khushi and payal show their upbeat nature. khushi has absolute faith there will be "chamkatkar", a miracle and babu ji will be fine. these are girls with innocence, work ethic, faith and hope... not willing to act helpless because they are girls. i liked this portrayal of women in ipk. a lot. they may be traditional and not brought up with a lot of wealth in a huge cosmopolitan city, but khushi and payal are contemporary in their mind set. and strong.

"bahut acchhe insaan hain mr arnav singh raizada..." asr is a very good human being says the doctor, and khushi is with him again...

"asr, ittne upset kyun lag rahe ho..." why are you looking so worried asks la. a girl friend who cares, who doesn't want him to hurt... there was so much tenderness in this whole situation, between people who cared for each other, just that things did not go the way one thought they would... love came unasked and and asked for its place. was lovely the way it got resolved.

those who don't have parents, only they know when someone close is unwell how one feels... at that time you feel the need for someone's support... and writers again let di point asr in the right direction.

standing right there, his expressions growing dense, he ponders: that's what i couldn't give her... when she most needed support... she just needed to hear this much from me...

"wahi toh main usse de nahin paya... jab usse sahare ki sabse zyada zaroorat thi... usse bas itni si baat toh sunni thi mujh se."

barun sobti's voice is even more immersed in thoughts of the girl who eats pakoda while sitting in a ditch, the girl who never gives up, that irritating girl for whom he is losing control again and again, he almost killed a man, the girl who came flying to him seeking a simple thing... and he couldn't give it to her.

it hurts arnav singh raizada that he could not help a girl who was so vulnerable. he could not help "khushi!"
toward the end of the episode they meet again, though they were never apart. she has just assured her father she and payal can manage everything. but she is just a young girl in a new city with only her salary to depend on for material needs. she is distraught. she needs the money now... a tiffin box of steel comes out as he watches her still anguished, unsure what he should do, perhaps just relieved to see her.

that box reminds me of the evening he gave her one with food and she stayed up for hours staring at it, wondering why the rakshas had done this for her.

the panic in her voice when she sees the amount on the check... how will she manage, why is it three thousand less, can't she give the "sarkar" its tax a bit later?

he walks away... but in her thoughts he stays... again he is walking away angry... can't he understand i need this...

she wants him to understand, she wants to run to him. he wants to comfort her, he wants to hold her... he cannot see her in this state and yet he doesn't put his arms around her...

why? both had asked of themselves. some day they will know.

that tear that had slipped out of khushi's eyes, the rage asr had felt when a man pushed her... in today's feelings shades of those inimitable moments. inexplicable actions and emotions, each one beautiful and telling. especially the rushing of river to her ocean, her shore... and his inability to put his arms around her and hold her against his heart. this is inspired writing and acting. years later some of these things will stay with us, even if we haven't seen a single shot in a long long time.


kyun humey sar rakhne ke liye unki kandhe ki zaroorat padi?kyun usske ek ek aansoo mujhe iss tarah...?

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