Saturday, 28 January 2017

episode 67 a survivor's guide



a survivor's guide to how to handle people you hate.
or an analysis of episode 67

1. make sure, no matter what, you crash land into their lives at least once a day. a meeting a day will make the hatred, also known as nafrat, stay. you can choose to do this anywhere you wish. ramps have proven to be extremely useful, especially if tripping gorgeously is a major part of plan. you can find them on the streets, in their office, at sundry sacred trees, dargahs, mandirs, best of all, of course, at their home. oh nothing quite like that. home is where the hate is.

2. dream of them on a regular basis. in such dreams, it is best to see yourself in the role of hero, them as villain. for example, you are the white wigged, morally superior judge to their "darana dhamkana," rakshas who is forcing a helpless woman in skimpy clothes and come hither look to "l-l-live in" with him "bina shadi," and do "sab kuch" with him too.


terrible (where are the samosas). tell him there's no way he can have what he wants. "you are sentenced to living with lavanya (everyone holds their breath, will you force the rakshas to do the right thing and marry this poor maid?)... not."  yes, that's right, throw lavanya out of his life. this will lead to exactly what you want in the future and right now too. the rakshas looking monstrously good in his natty brown jacket, will peruse you ferociously from a low angle shot, say "oh, i can't darao her?!! but i can still scare you, can't i" and glide sublimely to his very own music to be right in front of you, breath touching distance, in just a few long strides. 


having accomplished your mission, you will fall backward eyes spewing nafrat, lips parting and quivering (it's an age old sign of hatred, especially when combined with heaving bosom). he will stare at you menacingly, eyes gone chocolate. justice will not be able to take such "tauheen," contempt of court.


she will discard her blindfold and appear to you as your favourite bua, rolling pin in hand (justice was despatched by you to make samosa, perhaps?). at this point if it all starts to remind you of the white rabbit, the queen of hearts, eliza dolittle, and the horrible henry higgins, fikar not. all is going fantastically. your nafrat is intact. rabba vey, you are so good at this.

3. every time anyone asks you to leave the city your adversary lives in, refuse to. insist that is what your dm recommends. conversely, every time your enemy says she'll leave town, go into a blue funk and get as many flashbacks of her as possible. nothing like a keen memory to sharpen the daggers.


4. following from 3 (which was a bit of a digression into other episodes but was necessary to create a complete guide), also refuse to be not insulted by him. sounds complicated, but it's simple really. this is what you do: even if someone is willing to pay you large sums of money to square up your debt, insist that the only way you will do this is by earning the amount. and that too, only by working in the very home of the person who doesn't farak you, who is always rude, nasty, as insulting as possible, and who makes you feel "main theek nahin hoon," every time you are mean to him. of course, make sure that you throw in a "shart," a strict one that says you will come to work only when he's not around. this works real well, he will hear of it and another level of how dare she hotness will be scaled. 

5. keep your ears clean. whenever anyone mentions, whispers, or even thinks of taking her name, hear it loud and clear. then go still. don't breathe. now, two options:
  
  5. a. glare at the one who has called your nafrat-ed one by a derogatory name such as chamkili, you may also narrow your eyes devilishly upon being told of her fiendish plans. how dare she put down such a condition... not to see you in your own house? it's MERA ghar... MY house, remember? the one from which you are determined to throw her out (i mean how to trust a guest who keeps climbing into you closet and other internal organs, who can blame you for shouting your most lusty "getooouuut," at her... if only your eyes would agree with your voice, sigh).

after eye narrowing, sashay sexily out into the hallway, and on finding her there as she is trying to look nonchalant eating chana, advance menacingly but with ballet like grace toward her, she will be compelled to walk in your direction, eyes only on you. as you cross each other she will mutter nuttily "bina shadi saath saath rakshas," (without marriage together together monster... to translate literally), giving you the perfect opportunity to do a mind blowing (see, everything is to your advantage) "what the."


then she will dash into a pillar, and you will not miss any opportunity to stare at her. for good measure, this will happen twice... this is serious nafrat, samjhi tum?


5.b when option "a" is not available, you must slip into flashback of woh ladki and plenty rabba vey. this episode however that was not necessary. the dream compensated most adequately, phew.

6. always remember to blame the other, only that one person... laad governor, rakshas, uss ladki, uss khushi kumari gupta, any other new names you might come up with... for all the "galati" in the world. one episode you say it, the next episode let your most important hated person do the needful.

1722. as a master strategy, take over his home. rush around teaching his girl friend how to be the girl he doesn't dream of; make her learn to do the things he doesn't like or care for. leap around the drawing room telling a most fascinating tale of a rather playful one, in the most charming and beguiling vein, leaving all who watch, like his nani, his sis, his favourite man servant, floored. to help you in this endeavour, his clueless l-l-live in poor girl friend in chhotey kapde is standing by.



at her wonderful cues, prance into action, point with grace and utter appeal toward the one you must hate, and call him by the name of another supreme villain, "kans." make sure you are looking like the cutest and most beautiful nut on earth while doing this, some extra ballet (or taekwondo) lessons might help strike the perfect pose. this will work. can't you tell be the way he's looking at you?


8. as reminded by chalhov. and because we are dead serious about this survival guide, we don't wish to hold back anything. so here goes: when sitting next to the baddie in his mythical suv (if horses and dragons can by part of myths, why not the white suv), remember never to put on seat belt. although you have driven your dad's car, and will later decimate all traffic rules hurtling frantically through sabzi mandis and things, but at this point, do make it a point not to wear that s thing. this will make sure the hate increases. the enemy can bark "seat belt peheno!" wear seat belt!! in various shades of boorishness. and at your fumbling, lose patience, reach across brusquely, thrust his face closer to yours, his torso mere millimetres away from yours, combat you in an eye lock while clicking the belt into its slot. even writing this can cause breathing failure, so please, whatever you do, don't miss a chance to inhale and exhale, you will feel the edge of your ear go hot, a certain prickle back of neck, definite change in heart rate, and a difficulty understanding which part of you is feeling what. do not worry.

 it is believed that the perpetrator of the seat belt nafrat is undergoing similar symptoms. you will both survive, just about. however, at every opportunity that presents itself try out the seat belt tactic. practice makes perfect. (this was first observed in episode 65, at the very height of nafrating, and although this episode did not present the opportunity, we felt it was important enough to be included here. you never know...)

STICKY (this applies to all episodes, everywhere in the universe, even the ones hunted out of yt and dm): beware, from time to time you may hear things. strange are the effects of nafrat. piano trilling do me so do... hey hey... heyheyhey... more music, then rabba vey... ey ey ey ey. do not panic. in extreme cases of nafrat this may happen. though in recorded history it's never been known to have happened. oh well, there's always a first time... just take basic precautions, you'll be fine. remember, no matter what happens, do not close your eyes, or look away from the opponent's gaze. also, do not move. and should the adversary want to pull you in closer or nuzzle your hair, or frankly whatever, go ahead and let him do it. this is absolutely imperative for survival. live demo of this threat unfortunately not available, but the illustrations will suffice we hope.


to be continued. we hope you found this guide helpful.

a fabulous chance to learn more skills hands on awaits. it's the musician's birthday party, they say he has some wonderful hate tricks that no one can help but fall for. see you at the bash, wish you all a bina shadi saath saath sab kuch kar sakte hain  and an ek saath do do time.

translatiya: wish you all a "without marriage together can do everything" and "1722 or what sounds like together two two" time.










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