Thursday, 28 January 2016

episode 302 to win to lose

won't mind, tum mujhe agar apna pati maan loh toh...

won't mind, if you accept me as your husband.

hope i got the words right. something terribly exciting and physical yet deep and tender here. and i did think of the count as a silhouette stood still in the dark... a vampire moment... and things of the night, of hidden secret desires, of the after hours, of what lies within. the indian penal code section 302 or dafa 302 is to do with the death sentence... there is no doubt some ceasing of breath and killing were consciously considered and a lethal attack unleashed. khushi was not its only victim, thankfully.

he was a strong man, perhaps that's why he could love this completely, this boldly and without holding a thing back, completely vulnerable before this love.

whether it was for a girl who made his heart spin like a top or for his sister who was indeed his world.

the story of arnav singh raizada got told to me through both these relationships of his... one that was given to him, the other which he chose to make. in both he exercised what always excites me when it comes to human beings... his will. his will not bow to pressures, will stay free will.

one might say, his will was bound and subjugated to his heart, but then i feel free will is a gift of the heart... a strong, clear, brave heart. it springs from there.

a few episodes back, after a terrible fight where his tongue forgot boundaries, he had kept her back with threat and blackmail, then promised himself looking at her that he would bring her back to him and make her part of his life.

ever since then that is what he has been trying to do... all his focus on it. even subjecting himself to ridiculous advice from someone like nk.

the other woman he loves with all of himself is his sister .ever since he has thrown her husband out of the house, everything in that relationship is shaken, very stirred. in this episode things come to a head... she accuses him of lying to her because he wants to be with his wife, she banishes him in her customary way.

but he will not just meekly walk away. he never can. that is not him.

and so comes the other scene apart from the indescribably beautiful scene the episode opened on...

this one, the scene the episode ended on.

look at the way he burst into the room, not willing to take no for an answer from his sister. she turned, her face wan, she is in some hell of her own... he  looked at her utterly troubled at her state, she turned away, but he would not walk away... he strode in of course in that devastating way of his which might cause hyperventilation and make my thought veer to some other planet, but i hold on... because he shows me again such a compelling face of love. 

he will make her feel better, he will make her realise she was everything to him. he said take your pills (these mythical pills of pregnancy that only hindi serials or, maybe specifically ipk, are prescribed), she refused, and he showed his vulnerability... because he could, he loved that wholly... he said for his sake, she didn't relent, should he then assume whether he lived or di-

his voice shook, his eyes showed his hurt... di didn't care... but she did. the elder sister came rushing in, admonished him, took her pills.

had he just played a game with her? to win? knowing she'd relent? i don't think so. he meant to succeed, but only because he loved... no matter what.

not many people are capable of that.

if i go back to the beginning and the dark silhouette that took my breath away. that scared khushi so much... if i hear that whispered almost "khushi!" in a flat voice, if i see the face that the streak of lightning illuminated for a moment, eyes glittering, a haunting yearning on every plane of the face, and the next lightning caught a glimmer of a smile...

if i see her drop her plastic pot with a plant which she had grabbed for protection maybe and run down the steps straight into his arms... daudti hui, the only place where she feels safe i think... if i think of his arms swiftly reaching up to hold her and then his face burying in her hair, her shoulder, his hand roaming over her hair cradling, her arms grasping him tight trusting, her face moving with a million feelings, perhaps relief right on top of it...

if i  look at her realisation that this is a set up. her anger, her pushing him violently almost like she had one a night in a falling building where he hadn't set it up and she really was in peril. onto him catching hold of her arms as he had done then, but this time only to pull her right into them. and she after a struggle giving up... pulling him close into her arms and giving in... in at last to the most important of all those million feelings...

if i stay almost breathless through the long silence and need of an embrace. his face as loving and tender as it had been all along. her face now suffused with her desperate need and love for him.

and finally his whispered, "kya kaha tha tumne? jis din meri baahon mein daudti hui chali aaogi... mujhe apna pati maan logi... abhi tumne bilkul wahi kiya hai khushi kumari gupta singh raizada... won't mind agar tum mujhe apna pati maan loh toh..."

what had you said? the day you come running into my arms, you'll accept me as your husband... well you've done exactly that just now, khushi kumari gupta singh raizada.. won't mind, if you accept me as your husband...

and if i somehow stay alive while she looks at her vampire, her shaitan, her lover, her man and tremors of excitement and fear and longing take her, while his hands come up slowly... diwali poolside two faces mesmerised and hands coming up  slowly... and he draws her ever closer to a kiss... not almost... a complete one that would seal the deal...

if i look at all of that, i see yes, a deal maker, a man who is into lagi shart, a man out to win, a hint of dangerousness in him, that clings to him whether lights are on or off, he will scare you to get an advantage... unfair? but it is love and perhaps all is indeed fair there.

yet, when i watch all of this and feel it, i see only a man who loves... and who wants to lose himself in that love... not take... but be taken.

won't mind, agar tum mujhe apna pati man loh toh.

how terribly moving is this. a man who can have what he wants, who raves and rants and talks of taking what he pleases... the deal man... all he wants is that she should accept him, make him hers, own him...

let him be her husband.

and in the tenderness in his face, in that little smile that breaks out when she relents and pulls him close, there's his triumph, his giving of himself.


and she can feel that, for she needs him no less, yet there are her worries, her barriers to giving in, to taking. no one in her entire life has perhaps belonged to her the way this man has and wants to belong. who has ever told her this is her right and she should take it?

khushi released something held barricaded locked half forgotten and damned within this man who so needed her.

and he with his demand his plea that she show her huq on him touched a place in her no one had... an orphan came home... to a parent a lover and man who would be hers no matter what.

this was a love story that lived in its layers. there was a mannat ka chabi in it, scattering pearls, and now there was that red rose path... red roses... what were they? right from the first episode, they were there... did they speak of love or thorns of love or beauty or mother... 

roses thorns dilemmas some obvious symbolism and some things so subtle, so felt, so below the surface, or almost above or so deep underneath yet you feel they are there you can hear their tremor their pulse...

it so happened that i was listening to some western classical music as i edited and looked at the episode once in a way... i felt a similarity in the two things... scale, imagination, a coming together of many sounds many feelings and dominant notes along with the less so that create the climate... you have to listen carefully, and if you keep listening you'll hear the keenest notes that are way underneath. sometimes the sound drops and you think there's nothing there... and yet there is. there always is.

about that count drax, vampire murmurrings in my mind... i think back then also our hidden desires were explored in these stories... especially women's, for it was certainly not done to show that side of women then. now too actually... in our world and certainly sp's. yet isn't khushi's helpless attraction to a man who was far from "fair" or so it seemed, a hint of things we may never speak of but they exist and matter and make the world go round. he was her shaitan and she loved him as he was and only with him she could show the side of hers that had to stay hidden from all else...

look at her stepping all over the roses, trying to pretend they are not there the moment the world intrudes. that is what we do all the time... pretend the roses aren't there.

only some of us have the character and strength to look at the situation coolly, even if a little taken aback, and say, "relax".

only some can really commit to love. and then try and keep it together, by hook or by crook... even if they are to be called bad... liar... rakshas... anything.


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