Wednesday, 12 August 2015

when did khushi start feeling things

did khushi's awareness of asr start with that beautiful scene in 88 when a tear escaped watching asr hold lavanya close to him, in his arms? we were discussing this on india forums. my very long rambling thoughts on that.

ever since the rain hug, the rakshas is on her mind. he was already disturbing her thoughts, but something changed in the quality of sensation there in the rain. and after guesthouse, where we have that unbelievably beyond here and now scene of him coming, holding her hand and hauling her off to safety, with the unforgettable moment where he stares at her and her hair is storm blown, since that time he's somewhere lodged in her thoughts, stirring her, evoking incomprehensible response.

when she awakens, she feels his hand on her, stroking her face gently... till of course reality walks in and she screams "no."

she is in utter disarray within when her family members urge her to resign. finally she agrees and works up that fiery anger by the time she reaches his home, resignation letter in hand. a strange scene, she shouts and screams, accuses him of being a certain kind of person. he says nothing. of course, he tries to, but she is in no mood to listen. yet before leaving, she looks back, a long, pained, confused look.

he'd asked her "tum theek ho," and later that day, she admits, "nahin, hum theek nahin hain." things are not at all going the way she thought they would. she is in turmoil. why didn't he say anything, why so quiet? maybe she hasn't said all to him yet, maybe she needs to meet him once more?

the next morning, not at all happy is she to realise she needn't meet him again. later, almost everything reminds her of him. payal is blamed for doing this, but really, why this gale of memories and a tremulousness within at the mere mention of even rm?

then teej. so much unsaid yet so aware.

can't stop thinking of him after that dashing into each other and sindoor shower on both. and then their meeting at the temple. it's "gadbad" time.
she is disturbed watching him open la's fast. oh the strike, strike, strike on the match box with that fragile match stick over the scene.

poignantly, soon after that the sunday traipse to ar to pick up dm. all along she's saying things like, why can't i stop thinking of rakshas. his thoughts are the only thing that make her forget to eat her aloo poorie.

really miss khushi, methinks you rakshas too much. maybe you wish he were your raaj kumar?

before entering the office, she's assailed by strange thoughts. she recalls all the awful things he's done to her and gathers the resolve and much needed anger perhaps to go in and get her things.

but at the desk, when she's pretty sure she's alone. no fear of laad governor being here, what does she remember? him holding her so close in the rain. tender moments, together moments. her face pressed against his shoulder. the two of them looking at each other. not the letting go.

she can't help herself, she thinks of him, she breathes out as though succumbing, letting go, closing her eyes searching for composure.

oh, she was attracted to him and developing a soft corner despite herself long before that lavanya moment. yes, that hit her hard. it's one thing to keep all your feelings buried, mainly because you don't understand them at all, and go about doing what you believe is right. in this case, bringing him and lavanya back together again was that, in her opinion. but it is another to watch your man (yes, your heart has started marking him) put his arms around another woman in front of your eyes. tears will well up and escape the well guarded fantasy of don't care.

fascinating build up of awareness. 



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