that first time

i was looking for the date when i first saw barun, in a tv soap, and the very first time i felt a funny kind of pull, a recognition almost. i had wondered then what was wrong with me, was i finally regressing? a soap boy who is introduced in the 31st episode, dropped out of several episodes, and me watching this weird thing with searching eyes, where is the boy. no real sign of the acting at that time and a fairly corny story. a soap called shraddha. i really thought i was more ridiculous than i thought i was and my "crush" days from school were here.

it was 9 november 2009, that's when i first saw him. in april 2010, my world rocked in a way i had never ever thought it would. for a year and more i floated around not quite registering reality... going through the motions... my first and only visit to the united states during that time... i lived on the surface without even knowing that's what i was doing... till one day i turned my head and saw a promo of this show.
i turned away and said, huh, rubbish. a few months later i was caught. it was as though this fellow was not going to be denied... i was dragged back into intense feeling and just simple joy, silly joy, sparkling attraction, things i'd forgotten.
through this show came so much back to me, and all of you, and writing... and just being a part of this huge humanity. yes, even that. i go from thread to thread, i chat with people from everywhere... i feel a strong blessing.
the wretched feeling, the rocked world remains and perhaps will always be there, but there are many feelings back in me. my daughter worries that first thing in the morning i run to the comp... i do... my tie back to life is here.
wrote this on 12 april 2012. for some reason am ready to post it now.
ps: just realised i never wrote the name of the show, teehee, do i really have to?





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