episode 153 play it again, nk

in which bua ji met nand kissore. the lady who had hollered the opening words of ipk and invoked the creator of all games, especially that of love... the young son of nand, she finally had a wonderful high impact meeting with the lord of her mind, over the phone, or rather, phonewa. perplexed was the mighty lady by the choice of "darshan" ground by the lord, though unable to contain her elation... he had met her mother on the terrace, but now he also appeared on the phone it seemed. ah well, such is the leela of nand kishore.

i heard about that meeting on the terrace and my mind flew to the terrace where a terrible illusion had gripped a man's imagination, got imprinted on his mind. were the writers already dragging our attention to the "chhat"? telling us there was more to happen there, not just the revelation of a man named after krishna.

krishna again everywhere and in this episode, the new entrant named after him is called by two other names and mistaken for the real deal too. i wondered if i was trapped in illusion imagining this connection. but could all those allusions to nand kishore be just coincidence? the driver, the washerman, the young new friend of the heroine, the villain, the uncle (as in mama ji), the servant (hari prakash or light of krishna), i am sure there were more, and of course, the call of the ultimate gopika, bua ji... all were named after the one with 108 names, our krishna. the writer might have done it in jest, or to layer the tale... either way, worked for me.

to be honest, the episode felt very mid weekish, a bit dull and as if midway to something. i was particularly flummoxed by the desultory almost dismal choice of music for the dance practice. it droned and it kept our emotions and involvement at its own bland level. everyone held hands with partners and danced away while madhu ji, who is supposed to be very strict, beamed.

of course when the teacher told "cartoon" (today krishna would get two, no three, more names) to look into his partner's eyes, there was further fury on a face that had turned at talk of nk putting his hand on kkg's kamar/waist. now at all the talk of look at her with emotion, with "pyaar", he can't take it any more, he leaves. khushi turns her head, intensely aware of the man at the back.

during the break, akash and payal continued to sway away even without music. everyone noticed it and made silly jokes, so very typical wedding that. their "kaamistry" was mentioned, again it felt like a little joke from writers,  a replacement as it were, since viewers and forum were always on about asr khushi, barun sanaya chemistry. 

shyam played a pointless red carnations game, an elaborate idea, alas khushi was not impressed.

at gupta house, bua ji pulled out a lehenga with a very large waist and lamented the days when she in that would make her husband swoon "behonsh".

"aisa lagat hai, garima, jaise kauno aur janam ki baat howe... ab toh koi poochta hi nahi hai..." seems, garima, that was another life, no one asks after me any more. i felt bad for bua ji. inside that not too small nor too young woman lurked a romantic heart and a desire to be touched by love again maybe? and why not? she was lonely, widowed, childless, alone in a huge city and by nature slightly flaky and dramatic, surely she had a right to her romantic yearnings if any...

she decided khushi should wear the shadi ka joda for payal's wedding. another hint in bua ji's mouth about what's to come on the night of that wedding.

soon after that, still quite touched by the talk of her salad days, the definitely not salad eating bua ji called her niece.

nk picked up the phone and said, "hello!"

"hai re nand kissore!" called out bua ji.

and the roller coaster ride of mistaken identities got going...

wonderfully written dialogues, funny, witty, strangely poignant at times...
bua ji and nk had their first chat. writers took this relationship to a loopy rib tickling place over time, there was something tender amid the raucous about the whole imbroglio... nk believing bua ji was after him, and bua ji with her kind, garrulous auntyish love for the sweet babua.

"hum hai nand kissore!" i am nand kishore.

bua ji went into a trance practically.

"nand kissore! humre nand kissore..." nand kishore, oh my nand kishore. how a relationship starts who knows.

karan goddwani and abha parmar were absolutely fabulous and suddenly music was on cue. lots of shankh and bansoori, conch and flute.

when khushi broke her illusion, the lady was irritated and told her to take back the five rupees she'd asked to be offered. the sense of play ran freely through the episode.

kkg was getting everyone on the floor and ran right up to asr beaming. he made a nasty face, mockingly said, "kitni baar bolna padega ki tumhare saath dance nahin karna hai..." how many times do i have to say, i won't dance with you.

she said, same here.

he waved her away with a go dance with nk, he's my replacement.

madam was mad at him. sanka rose.

"chhotey!" she yelled and started a whole game of love, giving krishna name number 110 and 111: chhotey, arnav ji. after all sakshat nand kishore was the "replacement" of the only laad governor.

asr watched angrily as she bestowed smiles on nk and said things to provoke the one who can't be replaced. and again i thought, was nk supposed to be the replacement bridegroom and did channel force the wedding of asr kkg, because nk did disappear soon after that as though his work was done, part over.

"bala, yeh ladki nahin, pataka hai pataka," bala, this ain't no girl, this be fire cracker, said madhubala ji.

bala... balaji, an incarnation of lord krishna.
and was "pataka" yet another hint hint wink wink?"arnav ji! aap ko koi kaam theek se nahin aata kya!" arnav ji, khushi called sternly to nk, you can't do anything properly.

"hume toh lagta hai iss naam ke log koi bhi kaam theek se nahin kar sakte hain..." i feel people of this name, can't do anything properly, she provoked. asr always had a thing about his name...

"na naach sakte hain na ga sakte hain na hasaan..." they can't dance, they can't sing, they can't make people laugh...

he walked furiously right into them as she almost fell while twirling, but he held her firm, making sure she didn't collapse. it was all a bit contrived, but that "kaamistry" did its thing. hey hey... rabba vey trilled in, all felt right with the world.

little eye movements. how brown are those eyes. a hand gripped a shoulder as we have seen before, her face held a bemused look. no one can replace this man, nor this woman... hai re nand kissore.

 

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episodes of nand kissore

episode rambles

fanfiction

episode 187 a day of mombattis one night

it's "bahut saare mombatti ka din", valentine's day.

"do dilon ke meeting ka din, couples ka din... mombatti ka din..." a day for two hearts to meet, a day for couples... a day of candles, says the innocent and pure nand kishore, always the friend, the facilitator of heart related matters; krishna's namesake of course had to remind us which day it was.

payal corrects, "mohabbat ka din."

it was indeed a day of mohabbat. the word mohabbat comes from the arabic root "hab" i think, which means heart. and today the heart would be tried. sorely. mercilessly. terrifyingly.

1. the battle intensifiesepisode opened on the staccato beat of drums... a sense of impending catastrophe, ominous. two men faced each other. looked like it would be a fight to the death. from 186, a feeling of chakravyuh and the honourable warrior is now in it... no way out. yet he will fight.

 from years ago, an epic hero came to mind, beowulf... and the monster he took on with bare hands, the hideous and rapacious grendel...

who would live, who would survive, who would bear the cost of this horrific battle.

through gritted teeth and ripping crazy pain, asr said, "meri di ne iss ghar mein aap ko itni izzat di... itni izzat di... aapne aur khushine milkar jo hamare saath dhoka kiya hai, usske liye main aapko..."

in this house my di gave you so much respect, khushi and you have together deceived us, for which i shall...

the shape shifting monster jeered, "kam se kam shabd toh dhang ke istemal kijiye na, arnav, ji." at least use proper words, arnav ji.

a feeling of a pressure cooker about to explode.

"jise aap dhoka kah rahe hain... woh humara pyaar hai khushi ji ke liye." what you call deceit is in fact my love, for khushi.

as a whole house full of people went about happily organising a joyous occasion; singing, dancing, reveling, dressing up, shouting, rushing around... a man's entire world fell apart.

no one to hear the tearing of his heart, the shredding of  his emotions, the dying of his happiness.

at 14 he was alone, at 27, why should it be any different?

a pattern repeated itself. that night too there was a wedding on, and he was by himself he'd heard his father was untrue to his mother. tonight it was rubbed in his face that the only man he had trusted after his father's betrayal... his beloved jija ji, who he believed was devoted to his sister, was in fact also just a common, low down cheat. and as if that were not enough, this time life played a more devastating game, the one the monster cheated with was the girl who made his heart beat faster, without whom his very breath might stop. no exaggeration, exactly as his di had said.

shyam used the word pyaar, love... yet, all he really felt for khushi was a four letter word: lust.

asr is stricken to hear his brother in law say that word for a woman other than his sister. and also his heart lurches with pain when he hears another man say that word in connection with khushi. his tender, newly identified sensations of love, that made him flirt, and play, and smile, after so many years, all they had was a day to frolic.

and then this.

the game was set so well... the conflict has almost an ancient eternal design... archetypal. a larger than life, passionate, courageous, straight forward, honest man with a fragile heart and a great capacity for love, tripped up by a shallow, uncouth creature, a product of dark slithering things, who knows neither love nor courage nor the straight and the narrow.

and yet it is that in life again and again, such creatures will get the better of the heroes among us.

"khushi ji humari zindagi ban chuki hai, humara pagalpan, humara diwanapan, humara sab kuch..."

khushi ji has become my life, my madness, my craze, my everything, said a ranting shyam, out to do maximum damage.

asr couldn't bear this, his eyes closed... the body blows that had started on a terrace, resumed; hitting target every time.

"aur ab hum dono ke beech sirf ek rukawat hai... ranisahiba!" and now between us there's but one obstacle, ranisahiba.

on that last word, the game took a turn... in a mercurial instant, the lover was overshadowed by the brother. his primary responsibility, his dear beloved sister, he would let nothing, nothing hurt her. every year on rakhi he made that promise to her, the only religious tradition that had meaning for him... like a soldier he has disciplined himself to be her protector.

the brother turned around, his instinct to defend aroused... fully armed, said his eyes.

shyam is shameless, reckless, high on some belief that he is going to win this one... he declares he never loved anjali...

heartbreaking to watch an innocent strong man feel the smite of deceit... a thing he knows nothing of. nothing. he has his dad's gussa maybe, but none of his galat.

which is why he is so unprepared for this low down skirmish, he fights fair, head held high. in fact, he can even come across as arrogant in his refusal to bow down.
way back when we first met him, a slap on moolrajani's face... no, two slaps, but give him a crore of rupees for each slap... and then too, he had fought because his mother was mentioned in a derogatory fashion.

two opposites are arrayed here against each other... the innocent versus the clouded, the murky, the unclean.

as khushi runs around looking for asr, the battle rages behind closed doors. shyam threatens, he goads, he uses his wife as his all powerful weapon. how will you tell your di, what would it do to her, would she believe you?

this war is going nuclear clearly.

when hp comes to call them just as asr is ready to beat the knave up, he mocks, "arre wah, toh jalsa shuru!" wonderful, now starts the entertainment... hysterical and frenzied.

in contrast, the slow smooth deliberate glide of asr's irises and their steel like glint... his jawline hardening. it sure chilled shyam's innards and entrails. which is why even though he feigned a triumphant exit, he did look back to check whether he had succeeded or not and was later found fretting and worrying for his safety.

2. the proxy lovers

elsewhere, akash actually tried to get rid of nk and wrangle a lovey dovey chat with his payal ji. maybe there's some hope for this boy i thought, even though i knew where that tale went. i heard akash tell payal "main aapse bahut pyaar karta hoon aur hamesha karta rahunga..." i love you a lot and will do so forever.

just the words asr had hoped to say.

reminded me of an evening far away when asr had looked at stars and for the first time allowed anyone into his tightly closed inner world of maa and all its pain... and parallel to this akash had set up a meeting with payal in the park, an awkward but heartfelt attempt to tell payal of his love. that evening too it had seemed as though the episode design used akash and payal to hint at what asr and khushi would say to each other some day.

akash's key words that night: "aisa lagta hai ki uske bina jee nahin paayenge... jaise main nahin jee paaoonga apke bina... payalji, mujhe aapse pyaar ho gaya." one day asr would say exactly that to khushi... "main tumhare bina jee nahin paaoonga... promise me, you'll never leave me."

today again payal and akash said things that the two lovers were meant to say to each other...

"aaj ka din bahut accha hai..." today is a very good day. yes, it would have been, it might have been.

"hum bhi aap se bahut pyaar karte hain," i too love you a lot, said payal... it will be a while before khushi finally says it.

yet another night of wedding, deception and tragedy ticked away.
 
3. the night plays a trick again.

he came to the head of the stairs looking for his di, khushi saw him, he didn't see her... she was expectant, happy she'd found him at last, ready to tell him everything, though i did feel khushi might have been a bit more frantic than she was, given the situation.

she started walking to him, light, floaty, still feeling his flirt and love, still hoping to hear what he had to say, wanting to reach him.

he saw her... a falling away of sound, a gust of wind, and a crash of disaster.

she stood there smiling at him tentatively, completely unaware that their world has been turned upside down.

he looked back at her, nostrils flaring, his gussa coming in to protect a very fragile heart. two loves battled in him... the one he had trained himself to take care of... he will protect.

the other... what will he do with the other?

a dark threatening air is building, storm gathers, you can feel its rumble... no matter how light and sweet nk, akash, and payal are.

memories cut through him sharply... how much he'd desired her, wanted her... he had yearned to to kiss her... he had held her in his arms and danced with her telling her so much, he'd felt jolted when he thought he'd lost her.

what if i lost you?

he'd kissed her.

he seethed as he remembered and anger mixed with intense pain, almost injury, gathered in his eyes.

she smiled...

she clutched her hands, she had to tell him.

but he just looked ... and remembered her in another man's arms.

and her "agar aap ke liye... chor di jiye anjali ji ko!" leave anjali ji!

his hands clenched into a tight fist. all the anger and angst and fury there.

but in front of a hall full of people, he will not create chaos... it is akash's wedding... he cares about his family too much... a sense of occasion.

he came down the familiar steps, gaze fixed on her face... when he reached her, she didn't notice his hard expression, "arnav ji, hum aap hi ko dhoond rahe the" said she. i was looking for you.

"hume aap se kuch baat karni thi..." i wanted to speak to you about something, she continued. he walked toward her, perhaps wanting to haul her to a quiet place an give her hell, but di's voice came in the way... if this conversation had happened before he met di...

well, again life played a complex game. he did not get a chance to speak to khushi. i often asked myself why he didn't come to her, even if to accuse and berate... but now i realise, he did. it was not to be.

4. and again a twist.

he saw his di... his entire thought stream turned. he ignored khushi's call and walks away...

"di, mujhe aap se kuch baat karni hai!" di , i need to talk to you.

holding his sister's hands in both of his, that one gesture saying more than words ever can, he struggled.

then he turned away... alas, this time to speak the truth.

"di, jija ji aap ko dhoka de rahe hai... he's cheating on you" he blurted out and hurtled into the words he so hated saying.

this is so asr... up front, honest, guile free about certain things. he knew it would hurt his sister, but his instinct possibly said she would be able to handle it... and plus he would not want her to be kept in the dark about such a sick thing. so he went to tell her... shyam's gambit failed. but the night was out to trick him.

one other thing... this same man, however, could not bring himself to tell khushi why he hated her, why he was so mad at her...nothing. that too was so asr, to even say such a thing to her would kill him, he just couldn't... he loved her too too deep inside him already... the only happiness he'd ever asked for himself... the girl who felt like sunshine, who took the cold icy darkness away from his life. who he wanted to flirt with and have fun with and love and say "faraq padta hai" to. sad sad sad.

it was only when she took everything to a ridiculous chaotic extreme... suicide, that finally he just hurled it at her... wanting to hurt her even. with her somehow he always was himself, never a role, not even when he tried.

when he looked back, he saw di had passed out...

di di di di di di di ankhe kholo...

a crescendo of di rose, i thought of his voice calling khushi months later on a cliff top.

open your eyes, he said to her. again the writers hinted perhaps at anjali's gandhari like blindness. she would not see anything negative in her husband. she couldn't, she wouldn't, even with eyes wide open. funny how people can live together for years and never really know the truth about each other... that too happens.

desperately he sought doctor, water, some relief for his dear sister. "di, i am so sorry, di... di, hume maaf kar do... di, aapko batana zaroori tha..." he who hardly spoke kept saying things, asking for forgiveness, reassuring, saying it was necessary to hurt her so he did.

when asr loved there was no limit, no mean streak, no holding back... this seemingly cold man had the greatest capacity to love... and to give. and to suffer for those he loved.

"i... i'm really sorry..." he's almost in tears... beautiful and so very natural in this situation. his heart has taken such a terrible beating on this lovely valentine's day evening.

it had to be this evening, of course, when two hearts would get wrenched and torn asunder... but through it all would hold on a desire, a longing, a light, a mombatti already lit that will have the power to burn all evil and let two hearts unite.

di hasn't heard a thing... and soon will come the news that will change everything... forever and chay mahine ke liye.

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the terrace episodes 

episode rambles

fanfiction

episode 186 to see and to hear

for di

the episode made me think a lot... it was funny how things piled up on one another and a certain picture of the so called "truth" emerged which the viewer knew was not true at all, yet in the mental and emotional state asr was in he just couldn't sense the lie in it.

right through the rest of ipk, we all expected that at some point there would be a huge reveal of shyam's lying... but that never happened. instead a feeling spoke its truth and the man said, i don't care, i believe in khushi... no matter what.

no doubt, in the beginning the writers had envisaged the usual revelation, otherwise they wouldn't have wasted time showing nk filming everything, especially shyam, at awkward telling moments.

but by dumping that route, i felt something more interesting got conveyed... at least to me. this whole thing of what is "truth" and also how does an emotion sense truth.long back in communications class we'd studied the famous japanese auteur akira kurosawa's "rashomon". the story was his take in a way on what is truth, is there an absolute truth, or does it always get coloured by the narrator's self interest, he/she a filter through which truth passes and gets altered.

i can't say i studied the film deeply, but that whole thing of four people narrating the facts visible according to their own needs and personalities was most interesting. kurosawa never did that easy thing of ending on a version that was supposedly the actual truth. it was left to us to surmise. even the one most likely to be truthful played a little mischief, but the ending had a sign of hope, which was kind of nice.

watching shyam creating a truth out of asr's misconception that khushi was part of the deception was really interesting. it was engineered cleverly... no loopholes really. by the end of the spinning of yarn, asr was completely convinced khushi loved shyam and was a threat to his sister.

perhaps in this perception of truth was his personal filter. the one of insecurity, of suspicion, sown at a tender age by a philandering father and the tragedy that brought. he was indeed too easy to convince. that worked for shyam.

later too, when khushi presented her version, i thought she was not being as honest as she should. she had the filter of mahanta... i didn't tell you about all these terrible things that shyam did, only to save your sister. really? was that a good enough reason, i thought... what would have come undone if you had told asr that his sister was married to a cheat? wasn't it only right to do so? and where was the astuteness or decency even in letting a loving honest woman remain married to a lout?

then there was asr's "chhap gaya hai dimaag mein."

in the end the truth was whatever it was, but two people's love made its way through the minefield of deceit and found each other. only to say, it needs nothing else.

i wonder, if khushi actually had been in love with shyam at some point, what would have happened to this story... ok ok, do not kill me, but i do wonder a lot about love and what it can or cannot do.

the other major thing from the episode that sticks in the mind is the unreal response of khushi.

started in 185, this strange response to a lascivious, clearly out of line, abhorrent lech who has dared to touch her.

her first "chhoriye humey," so calm... post that and pre that, lots of talk about all sorts of things, why? shouldn't she have started running away from the terrace much earlier? i would. and what she said after many things... the fact that had he been unmarried also she wouldn't have given a damn... shouldn't that have been said before?

why all that about the man who couldn't love a devi like anjali ji, how would he love someone.

one good thing, she finally realised, anjali needed to be told... again, no pondering the issue, no understanding that keeping quiet the first time was not correct.

and after all that, she doesn't feel the need to rush to a place of comfort... amma or asr. instead she is walking around looking lost, being "good" and hiding her troubles from jiji...

only thinks of asr when payal mentions akash and needing him. even then, no frantic urgency.

she has just been embraced and harassed by a creep. he has said unspeakable things to her. he even hinted he wouldn't want to hurt her twice (she never asked when was the first time). yet she is just a little perturbed, not going bananas.

i know how i'd react if that happened.the problem is i guess khushi was written by a man/bunch of men, who never quite understood women... certainly not khushi. and khushi was never conceived as a character on her own... always vis a vis asr. she was manipulated at will to reveal asr's inner self... rarely was she given equal status. she served a purpose. that's all.

story of our lives in a world that is intrinsically patriarchal. a really interesting woman cannot be conceived, created and nurtured here. i give all my regard and salaam to sanaya for keeping khushi alive and totally herself. even when i didn't agree with or understand some things, i almost always even at this point could feel khushi's inner self. her tenderness, her young fragile clean character. her beauty. that is thanks really to sanaya's acting, for script is being quite indifferent to her at this moment.

of course, the acting by barun was superb once again.

main dekh chuka hoon... main sun chuka hoon. a shattered man, trying to bring order back. then the devil goes into his terrible dance... khushi ji hamari... whatever.
a few things from the episode.

khushi's voice rises seemingly exhorting shyam to leave anjali, a terrible echo magnifies the sound.

asr is breaking.

he turns and walks away.

so he doesn't hear the truth. he walks away, every shot getting imprinted in his mind. "chhap gaya hai dimag main," happened around here somewhere.

he sees the maniacal shyam grabbing onto her. he's imploring, "hum sirf aapko chahte hain, khushi ji. hum ranisahiba ko apni patni nahin mante... humara yakin kijiye, khushi ji, hum sirf aapse pyaar karte hain aur bahut sara pyar karte hain!"

i only want you, khushi ji. i don't consider ranisahiba my wife... believe me, khushi ji, i love only you and i love you a lot.

and khushi is saying those damning words...

his world is turning upside down, he is on autopilot, complete crisis time, he needs something to make him think... feel.

poignantly, he traces the same path back, the one he'd taken with so much hope.

on the terrace, shyam is nonplussed. shyam thinks she means leave anjali... i'll marry you. he actually grabs her cheeks again, khushi doesn't move, she just looks at him horrified...

then comes... now i know what a terrible man you are, aap kitne gire hue insaan hain. now? i am thinking... so you didn't know this when he got engaged to you while being married to anjali, when he lied for months and hoodwinked your entire clan?

finally she says what she might have said earlier if life and rather whimsical, opportunistic writers hadn't decided to play this game.

"aap shadi shuda rahe ya na rahe, hum aapke zindagi ka hissa kabhi nahin ban sakte..." whether you are married or not, i can't be part of your life.

and then her angry retort, "aap kya shadi todenge, aap kya anjali ji ko chhorenge, hum toh kehete hain unke sukhke liye unko aapko chhorna chahiye."

you'll break the marriage, leave anjali ji? i say, she... for her happiness, she should leave you.

perhaps a little too late khushi understands the simple undeniable fact. anjali would be better off without this sick man. alas... too late. what's done cannot indeed be undone.

at long last, the words which in a better written screenplay would have come soon after the laying of filthy hands on her, "mat chhuhiye hume, aur na bhi kabhi jurrat bhi kijiyega."

don't touch me, and don't you ever dare again.

payal is looking at gifts, khushi walks in disturbed, remembering shyam saying ever since they met in lucknow he's been obsessed with her.

she is in a state but payal is clueless... then khushi forgets her troubles for  payal... i wonder how this is even possible. and it is only when payal mentions akash and says that once she sees him she'll feel better, that khushi realises that's what she must do... meet arnav ji. her reactions are a bit off key.

but asr's reactions are  beautifully crafted, well understood and brilliantly enacted. he is alone in his room wondering what to do, breaking to bits. he recalls the many times he's trusted his sister's husband, and shyam has shown overt love for his wife.

for asr shyam was a father figure almost, a place of trust. smashed to smithereens once more...

he remembers his di doing arti of shyam. shyam carrying di... the images keep flashing. di introduces "iss duniya ke sabse achhe pati" to khushi. he's giving them matching watches, and the loving words around these moments.

and he flings his tie, takes off his jacket... as if he's suffocating.. anger pain hurt all melding and screaming. he is reaching for his familiar friend. gussa. without it coping is impossible.

he sits on his bed and the dreadful picture of shyam holding khushi, speaking of his desire... her shrieking, "chhor dijiye anjali ji ko..." a close up, a new rage rising... tears in his eyes. what a nameless glut of emotions.

he says "di, i'm so sorry, mujhe maaf kar dijiye par yeh baat main aapse chhupa nahin sakta... chahe aap ko kitni bhi thes kyun na pahuchen... mujhe aap ko batana hi hoga..."

forgive me, di... i can't hide this from you, i must tell you, even if it hurts you terribly.

character... i think. the guptas played the game of the weak with that lethal information re shyam. they hid the truth.

yet a young boy whom life had left for weak, vanquished, but who showed "himmat" and got up and fought back, claiming his place back, who chose to be strong, no matter how broken his insides... he grew up to be a man that acted from the position of the strong... no need to hide anything and not tell di. he knows it will hurt her immeasurably... but he will do it.

something to learn in that.

straight forward... no game... no excessive to and froing about the good and bad of a thing... his instinct says she must know.

in the meantime, shyam knows he has failed and ranisahiba is in his arms again. while khushi is running around looking for arnav ji, a certain sense of urgency just not there. "di!" he's changed for the wedding. i see his clothes and my heart contracts... we are here... the bride groom from mount vesuvius, mount etna, mount pinatubo and all other volcanoes combined is here.

"kahiye, saale saab, hum toh bas..." shyam is all sweet smiles but again i notice the meaninglessness of his words. why this lack of care in dialogues?

but no need to waste time on that, someone keeps pulling me in with his magnetic performance. a fist is clenched, a music starts... asr is back... the tears are not for public consumption.

then comes the ominous walk down... the meeting.

"mujhe aapse kuch baat karni hai..." i need to talk to you, animosity in every pore.

he bursts into a room, shyam behind.

what's up, saaley sahib, you look upset... shyam is trying to be normal. oh aabhas, why this aimless pitching?

"main janta hoon..." the cool in the voice. i know, says asr... the one who doesn't really know.

shyam thinks it's about the engine, the tampering with di's car.

"aisa bhi kya jaante hain, saale saab," what's it that you know, bro in law. and he rushes to the mirror. both in the reflection now. a funny parallel world.

"mein dekh chuka hoon," i have seen.

then what hurts him badly to say, "khushi ke saath dekh chuka hoon," seen you with khushi.

shyam is stunned... searches for the right response, sliminess magnifies.

he reiterates, i've seen you on the terrace with khushi.

shyam has the temerity to suggest this might be a misunderstanding.

ah, misunderstanding. our one and only mu, come let me seranade thee. somehow i hated hearing the word from him... of course a nice irony there.

"mujhe koi galat faimi nahin hui hai..." i have not misunderstood, says asr.

his face is set so differently... stone like.

"main apni aankhon se dekh chuka hoon aur apni kaano se sun chuka hoon.. so don't even try. safai dene ki koshish bhi mat karna..."

i've seen it with my own eyes, and heard with my own ears... so don't even try... don't try to explain...

he hurls the words, his arm swings out, finger aggressively pointed at the enemy. of course, at this point indi dies... just look at him.

with that the entire scene takes a turn and shyam goes into mode rumplestiltskin. in that now nasty now nice vein devised freshly by the directors. frankly, it was silly and rather tiresome...

wish they'd thought more clearly, not wasted some of the finest scenes.

especially since asr was at peak interpretation. how could you do this to my sister...who thought you greater than god... you cheated on her.

shyam smiled... he could sense asr's weakness... di!

"i am not gonna spare you, jo ki hai uski keemat chukani padegi... itni asani se jane nahin doonga... na aapko... aur naa hi uss khushi kumari gupta ko..." i am not gonna spare you, you'll pay for what you've done... not letting you escape so easily... not you... not that khushi kumari gupta.

the madness has begun...

shyam guesses khushi's reality is hidden... and starts the talk of hamare aur khushi ji ke pyaar... bataiye apni di ko...his and khushi's "love", challenges asr to go tell his di... for a moment it looks like asr won't.

what you and khushi have got together and done to us... he is seething with hurt, revulsion, anger, protectiveness toward di, so much.

"aap ne aur khushi ne milkar jo humare saath dhoka kiya..."

shyam asks him to respect the feeling he has for khushi.

at shyam's heinous "khushi ji humari zidagi ban chuki hai," khushi has become my life, the eyes close... the heart cannot bear it.

there's only one thing between him and khushi, screams shyam, and on a devilish grin, he utters, "raanisahiba!"

all of it is like the rings of chakravyuh, a coiled snakelike thing, falling fast and smooth and trapping the honourable warrior. he who has entered the formation but has no idea how to get out.

with that last echoing word (episode started on an echo that would lead to hell and closed on one which shut the door, the quarry was in), the darkest and direst moment of the night began to take clear and present shape.

for khushi









.....................................

the terrace episodes 

episode rambles

fanfiction

episode 185 terrace party

for me this episode has a perfect pearl in it. that moment when i realised, i was looking at a fabulous actor, not just a terrifically attractive man who swept me away with his every word, move, smile, cocked eyebrow. no, this here was an actor. of the kind people talk about for decades afterwards. in him the potential to be greater than perhaps any actor i'd ever seen. so completely he became his character. eliminating all distance, and so powerful his sensing of his character.

somewhere here was the point when it hit me.

he has reached the terrace door. he pauses, thinks, smiles and turns toward the door. what a moment, he is all set to tell the girl he gives a faraq for... why it makes a difference.

one swift move and the door is open and he stands there, half smile on his face, so eager and confident of his next move. he has seen her going toward the terrace... she is here just here, he's come for her. what a moment in the life of the fractured and broken asr... a boy who was robbed of his trust, his faith, his everything on another night of a wedding.

but tonight he will claim his life, his heartbeat, back from that calamity, with a beautiful thing called faraq.

he'd been delayed on his way to her, his sister needed to have her wound bandaged. ironic isn't it, the woman whose words had made him decide he had to tell khushi about this feeling right now, because of her he is held back, and will witness something that wouldn't have transpired if he'd made it to the terrace on time.

but finally he does look the way he'd seen her go and say, "aaj main khushi ko batakar rahoonga... mujhe kyun faraq padta hai..."

today i will definitely tell khushi, why it makes a difference to me. goosebumps. the voice dips at mujhe kyun... and becomes completely a thought within.

and he is on his way, his sister looks at him: something in his way, his walk, says this is no ordinary job he goes to do... she'd told him jao kaam khatam karke ao... go finish your work. he is so ready to do that.

then a crash echoes.

gust of wind lifts its head... how cruel that sound tonight, it used to tell him she's here nearby... and look what it shows him now.

he's confused, what's that? then shock begins to seep in along with a knock out confusion... what is he seeing?

crash of thunder...

slowly the eyes register the emotion rising in him... he is seeing this he can't believe... the moments which will be etched in his mind, indelible. "chhap gaya hai dimag mein, mit nahin sakta."

music reflects the inferno beginning within...

he stands speechless watching this unbearable picture...

what a sight to behold. khushi clasped in shyam's arms.

what did he see there i wonder... his father betraying his mother... di's happiness ending... his love plastered against another man's body...

did he for an instant feel the way his mother might have felt? did he empathise completely in that instant? did he think of ending it all?

somewhere he began to die... you could see it in his eyes. the man who flew to rage at the slightest, spoke not a word, he just stood there dumbfounded, emotions entering and killing him bit by bit.

there have been many debates about the irrational behaviour of his, why didn't he ask her, etc. isn't that the normal thing to do? but was there anything normal in that moment? especially for one who had stayed in his shell, his fort faraq nahin padta for years and was about to make his first tentative move to come out. that too because of what happened to di and what di said... oh how delicate his state of mind. how extra rational his feelings... the always rational asr had never felt this before.

and in that very moment, of course, life had to strike.

"hum sirf aapko chahte hain, khushi ji, hum ranisahiba ko apni patni nahin mantey..." shyam's declaration rends the night. i only want you, khushi ji, i don't consider ranisahiba to be my wife...

zoom to the man at the terrace door, where she'd stood one day and seen the truth of shyam, he sees what seems to be true and yet is anything but that. in it the seeds of a lie that will snuff all truth out. almost.

the structure of this episode was almost musical... pathos and tragedy at its core...

a sound effect... an inflection point, a note that hits his mind and heart.

he's shocked further, his eyes show that... calibrated... layer by layer horror descends.

another gust of wind blows through the barren night...

his eyes move a bit as though he is trying to piece this thing together.

"aur nahi iss shadi ka humare liye koi matlab hai... humara yakeen kijiye, khushi ji, hum sirf aap se pyaar karte hain aur bahut sara pyaar karte hain..." shyam is unstoppable, this marriage has no meaning for me, believe me, khushi ji, i only love you and love you so much..

imagine, he had to hear that.

it rips through him... a beautiful visual device shows his state...

crack of thunder, world crashing around him.

another note that finds its mark.

drums. and why do they remind me of that gunshot?

it is a nightmare unfolding, a new nightmare. this time it happens right before his eyes and within earshot. he knows every detail of it... who will die this time?

she pushes shyam away... he waits... maybe hoping to hear something that will feel ok, make his world stop rocking.

"koi matlab nahin hai..." doesn't mean a thing, she seethes.

"kuchh bhi nahin, khushi ji... sachi," nothing, khushi ji, shyam avers, really.

the most damning words leave khushi's mouth now...

"agar aap ke liye yeh rishta koi maine nahin rakhta to aap yeh shadi tod kun nahin dete... chhor dijiye anjali ji ko..."

if this marriage means nothing to you, then why don't you break this marriage... leave anjali ji!!

and perhaps that's when he finally dies.

this is the girl who means all to him...

at last the thunder and drums stop and emotions flow. he shatters. and shatters some more... on a turn...

as his face told a thousand stories of disillusionment, of killing hurt, i realised i was not just looking at a gorgeous sexy man... i was looking, as i said when i started, at an actor.

i sat up on my bed, the word thespian went through my head... his was a rendition of the classic greats... a simple turn and all the feelings in the face, in the stance of the body... as it's been ever since he's known he must tell her... faraq kyun padta hai.

and his sister did tell him... no matter what don't let her go. so how could he?

a wonderful episode constructed with great care. so many layers. apart from that magnificent terrace sequence, where a nightmare returned, the episode had a dream in it, a confession, and some beautiful bonding and dialogues.

the inter-cutting used between asr on the one hand taking a decision and walking with a happy purposeful air and shyam shocking khushi on the terrace and then inundating her with crazy talk of love, was thrilling.

let's talk of anjali and asr. a brother and a sister connect, sister says key things about loving and losing people.

"di, aap kabhi mujhe maa ke tarah..." di, don't leave me like maa... asr's fear lives close by within. the very thought of di in an accident had him highly agitated, when he saw her alive but hurt, that old fear of losing people came charging...

i am here with you i will never leave you... i am here, i promise never... promised his di.

he hugged her tight again.

anjali let the words come from her heart: when the car was going off, i thought i might never see my chhotey... sabse badkar humare khud ke zindagi se badkar humare liye tum ho. you mean more to me than everyone else, even more than my life.

"chhotey, yaad hai uss din hum tumhe kya kah rahe  the... ki kal ka koi bharosa nahin hai... kal kissi ne nahin dekha... aur kal hi kya... aaj ke baare mein bhi kissiko kuchh nahin pata...  iss liye jab, kabhi dil mein kuchh aaye na... jaise aaye... waise bole dena chahie... varna shayad... har pal poori tarah se jeena chahiye, chhotey, kyunki pata nahin chalta kaunsa pal akhri ho...

aur hum jinse sabse zyada pyaar karte hain.. jo hamare sabse kareeb hota hai usse kabhi jaane nahin dena chahiye... kissi bhi haalat mein... aur kabhi koi baat bahut bewakoofi wali bhi lagey toh bhi sir... sirf apni dil ki sunni chahiye."

chhotey, remember what i told you the other day... that who can depend on tomorrow? who has seen tomorrow? and why tomorrow, who knows even about today...

oh that last line so prophetic.

and so she'd told him, whatever comes to your mind you should say, the moment it comes, say, who knows what might happen... and when the last moment might come...

and those that are close to our heart, we must never let them go, no matter what. even if something feels foolish, we must only listen to our hearts.

i did feel the dialogues got a bit heavy and daljeet struggled with the words, but while they were meant to augment plot, there's important meaning in them and i rather enjoyed the thoughts.

as he left his sister's room and she made her way to the terrace, they did one and the same thing. they dreamed of each other. remembering tender moments. when they'd yearned, and felt, and wanted each other... what if i lost you, wrap me in fairy lights, oh i want you to kiss me, i want to kiss you, come hold my hand, and let me undo your hair... a swirl of memories where two young lovers smiled and waited with bated breath for that special moment when it would all come together. she thought he'd called her to the terrace. he'd seen her headed there and was ready to follow her.

lost in her world of dreams, she waits for him... he walks to her... and a hand approaches her shoulder.

alas the trap had been laid by a knave, who was determined not to let her go without telling her today. irony again... shyam too was waiting to confess his love. and he too was going to do it today itself... just like asr. and he will say things that really asr must have meant to... from the day i saw you in lucknow i fell for you... day and night i think of you. i love you and i love you lots. shyam said that to her? poor girl... it was an evening that was fair to no one. not asr, not khushi, not anjali.

when she feels the hand, her eyes widen... she turns slowly with lowered gaze all ready for her lover, she lifts her eyes and freezes in shock. it is shyam.

asr climbs a flight of steps...

and he sees his di coming down... he decides to fix her bandage.

on the terrace, the horror story has started to unfold. shyam is adamant that he loves khushi. she is shocked, repulsed, affronted.

"khushi ji, hum jaantey the aap humse milne zaroor ayengi," khushi ji, i knew you'd certainly come to meet me.

"aapne woh likha tha?" you wrote that?

"toh aap ko kya laga?" so what did you think. a play in shyam's voice. his cunning, knowing side on display at telling points. a psycho dimension is being accentuated in his character. he knew khsuhi would think that note on the mirror was from asr.

this device of a cold voice alternating with holier than thou sounding "good" shyam voice and lover like "desperate" shyam voice is used often in this sequence, and abhas has worked hard to create a more complete picture of this character, give it a believably lunatic and scary rim, but somehow, it never did get me. the acting lacked something. consistently. only in the very beginning did i really find shyam interestingly portrayed.

as she goes to leave... he yanks her back... "nahin"... he insists she listen. in his tirade a warning, don't make me hurt you again. so there was a reference to babu ji... possibly to be picked up later, but it was finally lost.

the saddest thing is that while khushi is horrified at the sickening claims of shyam, angry and disgusted, she completely misses seeing who comes to the doorway.

she is so concentrated on shyam, she has no idea what's happened just to one side of her.

the man whose confession she waited for, came, saw, and was devastated.

with that her dreams and his dreams crashed and turned into a living nightmare.

"chhoriye hume," khushi.

"nahin chhorenge, hum aap se bahut pyaar karte hain..." shyam.

"humne kaha chhoriye hume!" khushi.

if only asr had walked in at this point. but he didn't.

.....................................

the terrace episodes  

episode rambles

fanfiction

episode 184 your happiest dream your worst nightmare

wrapped in memory, a place of stability when the storm out of nowhere landed one evening and blew it all away, a gentle steady love that gave him a reason to live, a reason to strive in the worst days of his life... his di.

anjali was much more than just an elder sister to him. she was perhaps the one thing that kept a 14 year old boy's heart alive. otherwise dimaag would have become his only mainstay. dil completely dispensed with. a dil that had the depth and breadth of an ocean and more... buried forever.

when we see anjali we see her as she is today, but the way he looks at her, i feel i can see her through all the years of his life. even his most dreadful nightmare begins with him smiling at her, so happy to see his di looking lovely... and then the look on her face changes, and everything spirals. gunshot... maa.

both the siblings had lost their parents and a whole way of life overnight. all they had was each other. di connected him to his maa, his sense of family. he connected her to the same things. both vital to each other.

even more so for him perhaps, for right from his birth, di was always there. she was the only one he associated with his earliest days, who didn't disappear in that storm.

she was his connection to love. 

and she was always the one who tried all she could to never let him deny the place of heart in life. of love.

it was her words that he heard in his years when he suddenly realised while picking up a file that the girl he gets so vexed about actually means something to him.

the story of asr and khushi couldn't have started without di, so perhaps a good story teller knew how sweet a turn it would be in the tale, if because of her really it would almost end.

he is about to tell the woman he loves why she makes a difference, when he is called away.just a few short minutes ago, he'd reached khushi and was about to start telling one of the two most important women in his life that she had started to matter to him, but before he could get there he leaves... and reaches the moment that would start unraveling everything. 

the other most important woman in his life, his di, is the reason for nani's call.

i thought the story was told very well, though yes, a bit predictable that he should be interrupted at that very moment... this is a daily soap that depends on drama and tension in every 22 minute pellet, and is not making a pretense of being arcane literature or anything, but the level of emotion stirred in him was almost at the same pitch, involving the two women he cared about. i found that rather well designed, he will be radically torn between these two women and his strong emotions for both. the one he will choose to hurt, the choice for which he will be hated and for which some day he'll feel terrible, yet won't it show whom he loved more?

don't we usually end up hurting the one we love more? and protecting the one we see as less strong? just a thought.

here on the one hand all his love and excitement and perhaps a glimmer of the future... at last, a dream for the future that might give him respite from the nightmare of the past and maybe that's why all those mirrors showing what might be.

and then on the other, a stark, compelling, convulsive pull back from the past, an immediate presence of it in his wobbly, scared, "aa... waaz?" 

sometimes just one word, one delivery can call up a whole story, an entire past, a complete character...

when nani ji says it's anjali bitiya... di? kya hua di ko? he rushes in, in an instant alert and tense. nani ji relates the call in frantic tone ending with there was a ... "jor ki aawaz..." a loud noise.

and the fear kicks in... in one single word it is all there... he stumbles over the word, his voice reflects his terror, you can feel his nervousness, a sensation rising.

he reaches for his phone, does he feel more in control of things when he holds that instrument somehow?

"di... what the hell... yeh stupid mohan ka phone kyun nahin mil raha hai..." he can't get through to "stupid" mohan, the driver he tries to call. lovely, his words, stance, anger, all speak of his fear and love for the woman who is the centre of his universe. the only person that matters... till along comes that girl waiting by the mirror.

as his panic escalates, a brief cut away to an obscene man reveling. quite sure his wife will die soon and he will be free to marry khushi. the fool thinks that is the reason khushi won't have him, because he is married. how he runs from the truth... that it is him that khushi despises, not his marital status. he will hold on to this illusion for a long time. maybe even he needs his illusions just to make himself tolerable to himself. i decided not to waste time making edits of the overacting shyam today. just mentioning him is ugh enough.

asr receives one of the scariest phone calls of his life... the darkest shyam of all has both him and khushi trapped. using their feelings for someone else... someone who matters so much.

asr confirms the car is his when the inspector calls, the silence at the other end unnerves him... "inspector, aap bolte kyun nahin, kya hua" ... why aren't you speaking, what's happened. finally the voice is raised."mr raizada, daryaganj ke paas gaadi ka accident hua hai..." there's been an accident near daryaganj. my mind checks, daryaganj? isn't that where asr was held by the kidnappers later? what's this daryaganj fixation? something there?

accident? he's shocked

nani ji starts. everybody is horrified. "swaha" says shyam. like a little dance drama, or rather greek tragedy. nani ji and family members a fabulous chorus to the action onstage...

"meri di se baat karwaiye... what!!! kya matlb hai aap ko nahin pata hai ... how can you NOT KNOW!" the protagonist has started going to pieces... let me speak to my sister, what!!! what do you mean you don't know where she is... how can you not know!

and he remembers her saying things about not being around, though all is well now, but "bhagwan na kare kuchh ho jaye aur hum... hum rahe na rahe..." god forbid something should happen, whether i live or not...he was walking slowly gripped by fear, recalling that evening when she'd said these things, mainly to get him to consider marriage, but even then all he'd reacted to his fear of losing her, how vehemently he'd asked her not to say such things, how sweetly he'd picked up her hand and kissed it... soon after he'd kissed khushi.

again now, one moment khushi... next minute, di... life does try arnav singh raizada.

at that "hum rahe na rahe," a terrible fear... he starts running.

great direction to elucidate an emotion, and such natural acting.

during a wedding one night had come death and complete destruction, it's a wedding again, what awaits the night?

he runs and then suddenly stops short... at the gate stands di. alive. in bandages, but alive. he goes through a thousand feelings.. he'd thought she was gone. but...

"chhotey..." her voice is sweet and scared and yet loving like only hers is. he is close to tears. this is di for god's sake... his di.

she walks toward him, he's rooted to the spot.

"chhotey..."

"di.. mu...mujhe laga ki..." di, i...i thought...

the 14 year old chhotey returns to feel all the fear again. his voice breaks, losing all its husky masculine edge, it's almost child like, tears drench it.

he strokes her cheek, the gentlest, "aap theek ho na, di." you're okay, di?

and as she nodded he just has to rush and hug her. and she him...

siblings who have been through hell... always tied by a different string. their music keening, sad echoes of all that.

she consoles him with looks and strokes as she always does whenever he's worried. then she cries like a baby to him about the car brakes... he holds her... each others support... like parents to each other they are.

when the family, relieved and worried at once, takes her away to her room, he stays back to call the hospital, make sure mohan the driver is taken care of.

anjali shows resilience and a great attitude while the family fusses over her. no need to tell anyone anything, let's get on with the wedding. poignantly, she is glad her husband is nowhere to be seen, no need to worry him too. ah the illusions we live with. despite all those nights away, always with the weakest of explanations, anjali never ever thought of doubting the man she loved.

life had taken too much away from her. this time she meant to hold on tight. 

as she talks asr arrives, absolutely in tears by now. when everyone leaves, brother and sister are alone at last. he just stands there staring with tears brimming over. these tears as heartrending as the smile he gave to khushi on that verandah that morning. the smile and the tears seem to come from the same place. 

and this time too he will move propelled by his feelings... she was the closest thing he had to a mother. a mother whom he missed every day... so much, he had to block everything off.

when she says, "yahan aiye humare paas," come here to me, in that mother like tone, a strain of music that reminds of maa plays.

he looks away, then looks at her... moist reddened eyes, a softness, a broken feel, and he walks to her; with each step his feelings rise as do hers... then he suddenly lets go and buries his face in her lap.. a giving up and falling on a mother's lap there.

and he cries.

"di, i'm so so sorry."

"sorry, chhotey tum humey sorry kyun bol rahe ho..." why are you saying sorry to me, chhotey, she asks crying herself. they both know why he cries, how close she might have come to death.

"har baar jo maine aapse badtameezi se baat ki usske liye..." for every time i have been rude to you, says the nasty, caustic, get off my back asr.

"har bar jab aapne mujhe kuch karne ke liye kaha aur maine saaf mana kar diya, usske liye..." for every time i just refused to do what you asked me to...

"i'm really sorry, di" some time back, on a day when he was sensitized to his mother's going away, he'd understood a young girl's, another orphan's pain and apologised... a first for him.

today again that fear of losing on the back of losing maa forever. and he says as much after that sorry... i thought you... please don't leave me like maa did... "mujhe laga ki.. di aap kabhi mujhe maa ki tarah..."
 

she shudders understanding his panic, and strokes his hair, calming him, slowly bringing him back to now, the present. but the past has already claimed his heart and left it tender, so vulnerable. 

he will not think when it is struck again. he will not think... only spiral into crazy feelings. 

the roiling of his emotions was so necessary for him to completely lose his head. great writing and orchestrating of emotions.

and in a room by herself, oblivious to all this smiles a girl, remembering things, touching a gift left on the mirror for her. on the mirror a reflection of a future... with the man who gave her bangles and kisses, and haldi marks, and constant dhak dhak. she touches her bindi with so much wonder and joy and feelings soft and sweet.

and then she sees the message... lipstick letters across the mirror,"khushi, meet me on the terrace now."

she sees the sign and she is rattled, she runs out to check...

something tells her it is him... was it the "abhi"? now! so asr that command. is that why shyam added it? she is misled... i think of othello, so terribly led astray by what he thought was evidence. now she, later asr... innocents twisted to see things his way by a knave.

the dhak dhaks come... she thrills to his voice saying, "khushi, tumse baat karni hai... bas karni hai..."and then in the sweetest sign of reciprocated love, she wonders, "aap humse kya kehna chahte hain, arnav ji... kya aap humse wahi kehna chahte hain jo..."

what do you want to tell me, arnav ji? do you want to tell me the same thing that...

so close to telling each other the state of their heart they were. there was no doubt in either's mind... just dreams.

she wipes off the message. no sign is left of the charlatan's trick. at this moment it did feel as though fate is the only thing that has a say over our lives.

couple of other things:

~ "hello hi bye bye agar aap logo ka prem kahani khatam hui gayi ho... " mami ji said, hhbb, if your love story has ended... was she again acting as chorus and hinting at things to come? 

she was of course, horrendously rude, and the gupta family squirming before her not a  pretty sight. at too many levels utterly wrong. would have been good to see later, how she and payal adjusted to each other, and grew to have feelings for each other despite this wedding time madness. or perhaps they never did, and payal found hr voice back after being provoked incessantly. would have ben interesting to know.

~ nk brought green tea... i giggled, suddenly this form of tea is so in in my land. when i was growing up, no one had heard of it apart from tea planters. now in every serial, especially in wealthy homes, it pops up. gh's other show, sathia, has the hero practically addicted to it. seen as panacea to all ills. also i think a mark of sophistication. hello hi bye bye.

~ nk also brought ek chutki sindoor, a pinch of sindoor... oh what a rendition of that will come soon.

~ he said 60 instead of 7 for the pheras... wonder why.

~ akash's kids it seems would call him uncle, uncle. was there a story there? was there some plan of showing that someone was not fathered by his or her supposed father?

~ and nk also brought along haivan pareshan... devil disturbance. that, alas, is about to reach untold depths.

 

e p i s o d e s  o f  f a r a q  p a d t a  h a i
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episode rambles 
fan fiction