a tear.
today
that one single tear that came from where who knows, yet we all do, the
tear is in me. it came from a place within, glistened on the edge of
her eye and rolled down visible clearly to him, before she knew of its
coming or its catching the light and flowing down a feeling; touching it
with its salt, telling it it's true.
sometimes
the writing touched a sublime note. this was one of them. often while
watching ipk, at the oddest of moments when no major thing is happening,
perhaps just a look in his eyes or a play in her voice brings a tear
stinging the back of my eye. it's perhaps because something senses the
truly precious, the ephemeral, the thing alive, in a feeling between a
man and a woman.
and
there they stood, a man and a woman. seemingly miles of distance
between them in every way, yet there they stood and she was really his,
and he only hers. it's just a moment. you can let it go and say it never
was, but such things, once they happen, they never really go away.
khushi's
feelings how powerful they were, how overwhelming, they cared not for
her inner sanctions and restrictions, they bothered not that she didn't
really have the experience to understand them, they just came and made
their claim. he was hers, how could anyone else hold him? and he put his
arms around another?
and he had come to only wipe away her tears.
why
else had he come to do what he'd said he never would? for whom did he
carry that slightest, incredibly beautiful almost-smile, whose
expression brought it on? the smile on which face did he seek? and who
touched his heart? the heart he said he didn't have. nahin hai dil asr ke seene mein.
the tear was its own answer. but khushi surrounded it with only questions.
"hey
devi maiya, yeh kyun ho raha hai? hum pareshan kyun hain? akhir humare
kahne pe hi toh... hume toh khush hona chahiye... lavanya ji itni khush
hui... par jab woh dono saath... pata nahin hume kya... hum pareshan
kyun hai." hey devi maiya... why is this happening? why am i
upset? after all, it's because i said... i should be happy... lavanya ji
was so happy... but when they were together... i don't know what.. why
am i getting upset? she is so confused, so unprepared to realise what it
is she feels. she is not supposed to feel like this.
but
isn't that what made it valid? you feel for someone a powerful feeling
of desire and more, with no rational reason or basis for it. extra-rational.
isn't that the very nature of love? in fact, even of of faith? isn't
love itself a thing of faith? can we start loving because you fit a
certain bill? can we stop loving because you do things that hurt?
"kyun usske aankhon ke aansoo mujhe pareshan kar rahein hain? kyun use main rota hua nahin dekh sakta."
why are the tears in her eyes upsetting me? why can't i see her
crying? rabba vey played its gentle piano notes as though asking
curiously, yes, why?
both are pareshan, neither knows why. the tears are like little vehicles to a separate different space, an extra-rational
space where only feelings count. feelings that will come together and
become "khushi, i love you" and in response, a tear rolling slowly down
as she grips the phone, her man now in the embrace of danger,"i love
you, arnav ji," it said.
perhaps
it said it for the first time just now, here. absolutely brilliant
writing. when we are moved in our core, even when we aren't aware of it,
the emotion still has its say. sometimes this way.
he walks into office. stops nonplussed. the room is overflowing with plants... and there's a letter.
in
hindi, from "tumhari lavanya kashyap." of course, there was no way he
didn't know who had sent the letter... but still he went.
"i'm sorry... please mujhe rok lijiye, nahi toh pahad... se kudkar... main apni jaan de doongi."
i am sorry, please stop me from leaving... otherwise.. i'll leap off a
mountain and kill myself. okay this is the precise point when it not
only registered that khushi has done this but also exactly how sanka she
is. did he feel a little laughter bursting forth inside? just a teeny
little "yeh ladki mujhe paagal kar degi" or "unbelievable" moment?
he
put the letter down on his desk. and sat down, leaned back, closing his
eyes. a familiar stance when his deep in his emotions. that first
evening at the fashion show, later the sunday when he couldn't help but
think of her after the resignation showdown, and now. every time, the
lean back as though needing rest and the lids slowly descending taking
him to his inner world.
inevitably thoughts of khushi came. first her voice, tearful, distraught, "aapne kabhi bhi unse pyaar kiya bhi tha?" did you ever even love her?
then tears in her eyes as she looked at him right here, in this office, only a short while back.
tears.
he jolted up, shaken to the core. tears in her eyes, even in a memory, is unbearable.
(really
why can't he bear to see her eyes filling. my mind wanders and says,
was there yet another story we were never told. had he seen her on that
night that her parents went, an eight year old sweet and solemn little
girl, tears brimming to her eyes and she trying hard to control it. did
his subconscious have a memory that kept coming back whenever he saw her
crying now? a story? ok i will not ponder this any more. just that too
many times he asked himself this question, maybe a different, more
complex story was it's origin.)
dammit! he struck the desk with his helpless fist.
"then
all of a sudden, this tear plopped down on the checkerboard. On one of
the red squares ... boy, i can still see it. she just rubbed it into the
board with her finger. i don't know why, but it bothered hell out of
me. so what i did was, i went over and made her move over on the glider
so that i could sit down next to her - i
practically sat down in her lap, as a matter of fact. then she really
started to cry, and the next thing i knew, i was kissing her all over - anywhere -
her eyes, her nose, her forehead, her eyebrows and all, her ears - her
whole face except her mouth and all. she sort of wouldn't let me get to
her mouth."
~~~ j d salinger, catcher in the rye ~~~
~~~
shashi babu continues his investigation and walks into a little trap
laid by shyam. shyam is giving idiotic slanted smiles. life goes on.
~~~
nani is back and wondering what's different about the environment. he
returns home with an elated lavanya. but the smile that made him really
smile was his di's. the sweetest bro smile as she hugged him.
~~~ nani struggled with her smile.
~~~
beginning of navratri. nine days of the goddess. and the first arati is
here. the story of her slaying the demon mahishasura in my mind as i
look at shyam trying to act as the consigliere. on vijaya dashami, evil
will be vanquished and ma durga will return home, come down only to help
ram overcome ravan. but the real evil was the grotesques mahishasura...
mmm did he twitch?
~~~ she stands before dm thinking of him. he
stands before his pool, his place of solace, near his garden and
thoughts of ma where he feels safe. and there's a girl with a tear
rolling down on his mind. while she thinks of him putting his arms
around another woman.
~~~ "kabhi kabhi hum kissi cheez ko poori duniya jehan mein dhundte rahte hain aur woh hota hai humare aankhon ke saamne." sometimes
we look for something all over the world and it is right before our
eyes. and if you want to find out what's really wrong with your friend
let her do this test, ask her to see if her breath quickens when she's
around this person. thank you, shyam, for that right before your eyes and
dhadkane tez ho jaati words. very very clever writing. smooth
absolutely.
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