without you: chapter 34

 

i am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you
with a hundred eyes

my heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold


~~~ rumi, looking for your face ~~~

why did the oil look so dazzling?

khushi frowned slightly.

then the tear dropped from her eye and her vision cleared.

"no, it is not dazzling, it was just my tear," khushi thought blankly and held her hand with the bag of batter over the simmering hot oil to drop in a batch of jalebis.

her hand moved making deft little circles, that familiar movement she had known for years. it tried to soothe her, tell her everything was fine. khushi looked down to see how the jalebis had turned out.

distractedly she noticed, there were some funny looking bits of batter turning brown in the kadai, but they looked nothing like jalebis.

and before her eyes they turned brown too quickly, then darker... the oil was too hot.

khushi felt another tear rush up to her eye and without waiting to cloud her vision, fall.

she breathed in sharply, not wanting to feel her breath shake, she was not going to give in to this feeling... and started clearing the burnt bits stirring a ladle mechanically in the oil.

jalebis.

she had thought she'd make arnav ji fresh jalebis in the morning.

where was arnav ji?

khushi could feel a redness behind her eyes, an arid scorching heat as though a desert sand blew there... dry and bereft. her head pounded.

she realised she was standing at the hob making jalebis, that she had at some point taken off her shoes, but she was still in the red dress... the necklace of a million stars, her taarey, lay on the coffee table, she couldn't remember when she had taken it off.

she paused, lifting the ladle out of the oil. perhaps she should go change and go to sleep. then a terrible feeling rushed up inside her almost choking her. no... no... she must keep working. doing something. she could not stop... she couldn't stop... she couldn't bear to remember the look in his eyes as he left the flat. what was in it? why did it cut so deep inside her? why did it make her feel so filthy? khushi could feel herself on the verge of a scream. she pulled back and deliberately lifted her jalebi cloth again, moving her hand in the way she had learned to years ago. she was alright, she told herself. she was khushi, she was not a bad person, she was alright... she was alright. and... and... arnav ji loved her... yes, he did... she didn't hear herself sobbing as the thoughts came, she kept making her burnt, broken jalebis.


***

"amma, are there really fairies in this world? tell me, na?" khushi was lying next to amma as she patted her to sleep.

she had almost dozed off, amma had been humming one of those songs she often sang to herself as she worked in the kitchen. but suddenly this question popped into her head... she had to ask amma.

"fairies? kyun, khushi, aaj pariyon ko lekar ye sawal kyun? you mean there are no fairies in this world?" lajwanti pinched her little daughter's cheek and asked indulgently.

(fairies? why, khushi, why this question about fairies tonight? you mean there are no fairies in this world?)

"i said there are, amma, but that preeto... bahut buri hai woh... she said i was silly, there are no fairies, only buddhu children believe so..." khushi was drowsy, but the question bothered her, she needed an answer from amma. she could only trust her.

(i said there are, amma, but that preeto... she's very bad... she said i was silly, there are no fairies, only silly children believe so...)

"lajo ji," her father had walked into the room, "will you serve me dinner? and, bitiya, aap ab tak soyin nahin?" he went up to khushi and with the gentlest touch stroked her head a few times, smiled at her and left the room.

(will you serve me dinner? and, bitiya, you aren't asleep yet?)

lajwanti watched her husband leave then turned to her daughter, "humey lagta hai, kahin door, jahan shayad humari aankhon ko dikhayi na de, par man ko dikhayi de... yes, there are fairies there and they have their magic wands... just like you..." lajwanti gave khushi a hug and slipped off the bed, she went to serve dinner to her husband.

(i think, somewhere far away, maybe where eyes can't see, but the mind can see... yes, there are fairies there and they have their magic wands... just like you...)

feeling quite pleased with the answer and with a calm settling in her, the little girl drifted off to sleep... yes, i am a fairy... preeto doesn't know, was her last thought before she slept off.


***

he had left unable to do anything about the images hurtling in him. flashes in his head... a sheen of perspiration on skin, his father's face, dark unfocused eyes, a little leer making his lips hang loose. asr walked on, the streets were empty, sodium vapour lamps stayed dim as the fog of early winter settled down... lipstick gleamed on a smile, a hand was caressing flesh, large coarse brown hand, pale ivory skin... he shut his eyes trying to block the picture. it persisted. her lips had pink colour on it and it was smeared across her upper lip... pita ji was lying back on the long divan, laughing... arnav wanted to run... run away from there... it was a hot hot afternoon, where was maa... he wanted maa... he wanted... blue eyes twinkled... a strong jawline, confident laughter rang out, she was looking at him rapt, her hazel eyes gleaming, pale nude lipstick... smeared...asr walked through the darkness, he was in the park he saw, along the water's edge. she had sat there just the other morning wrapped up in a shawl, watching him... from a distance even he could see her eyes.

he swallowed hard.

such innocence and that feeling for him in those large hazel eyes.

why?

why?

why for him... not him... not him. his breath seemed to get stuck half way up his chest somewhere. again he swallowed hard. she was smiling at him and eating a ber, he wanted to kiss her, she was lifting her lips to his, the ber was now in his mouth and it was tangy for she'd bitten into it... she was laughing and trying to hide it, he had just walked into the living room, something wet and fluid oozing out of his shoes... later she had said it was mango juice because she couldn't find orange juice... what???... and there she was, climbing out of the window of her home and running away with her mojris in her hand while he stood at the door looking at her, shocked. what was wrong with the girl... asr halted in his track. the night was somehow thicker than usual, no cracks for light to seep in through.

what had he done.

khushi!


***

she didn't hear the door click as he walked in.

the room was dark, except for a floor lamp which he had switched on when they'd walked in earlier.

he came in wanting to run to her, find her, hold her, be with her.

khushi... he wanted to bury his head in her hair, feel her arms around him, her breath upon him. there was no peace without her... there was no ease without her.

but he knew he couldn't do any of that.

he had hurt for no reason, brutally... he had taken an evening she had wanted to fill with just the two of them straight into a nightmare. and she had no idea why. why was he like this? why...

she was at the hob, with a kadai in front of her, she seemed to be absorbed in her cooking. why did it not surprise him. he was sure she had managed to get everything needed to make jalebi here. his wife was a resourceful, smart girl. he almost smiled at the thought.

in fact, he had been fairly certain she'd be there. she was still in her red dress, her hair hung to her waist, the light from the outside behind her sylph like silhouette.

he wanted to stride up to her and pick her up in his arms, go straight to their bed and make love to her till she laughed and giggled... he needed to hear her giggling...and to feel her touch on him, her scent crushed against him and left behind on his skin. he needed to hear her say, she forgave him. but he didn't deserve any of that. nothing.

his legs felt leaden suddenly, his arms seemed to grow heavy from the shoulder down. he walked very slowly to the sofa and sank down on it. and sat there, too roiled to move. his lips set in a straight tight gash, his eyes anguished. khushi, he heard her name echo in him.


***

it was morning when his eyes opened. he had slept off on the sofa he realised. he turned swiftly toward the kitchenette... no, she was not there. he got up quickly and ran to the bedroom, a fear clutching his middle... khushi... had she...?

he found her lying among the crumpled white sheets, a startling splash of red... her pale flowing limbs gleamed in the sunlight cascading in through the windows... her hair splayed out in auburn dark streams all around. exhaustion on her face and marks of tears.

arnav singh raizada felt his insides empty out, she looked so fragile, so slight and helpless... he couldn't stay away any more... no khushi, please don't hate me... don't go away... thoughts raced through his mind without asking his permission or approval. please never go away... i am wrong... if you don't want me... i wouldn't want to...

but why was she not moving at all?

why was her breast not rising and falling with the flow of breath?

asr felt a chill grip his heart.

khushi...

why was she so still?

why was she not saying anything?

why was she not moving?

was she...

his legs began moving before his mind could reach the decision...

he was before her, bending over, his hand shooting out toward her face, fingers scanning the space just below her nostrils.

checking for breath.

breathe, khushi, breathe... his mind screamed... he was again on a cliff's edge and she was not breathing...

no...

khushi, no!

don't leave me!

don't go!

his eyes darted over her face frantically...

why was she not...

khushi, i can't live without-

"arnav ji?" she said.

he looked at her startled, she was looking at him through half open eyes.

he swallowed as he felt the solace of her gaze. his eyes stayed unmoving, feeling the peace of her innocent eyes upon him. there was sleep clinging to her irises, her lids struggled to stay open.

he felt his breath at last relax and return to an even rhythm. you're okay, khushi, here... with me... he swallowed and remained where he was, still unable to move... the cataclysmic grasp of absolute fear ebbing away slowly, still not quite done.

then she smiled slightly, the corners of her lips turning up just a little and he saw her long beautiful arms lift. she held them open and just waited for him.

why is it that this generous gesture did not surprise him one bit either. his heart ached at her giving, it yearned for her sweetness.

khushi. who loved him beyond all questions, all anger, all barriers and each and every limit. who called him from her heart and he could hear her call no matter where he was... even when he almost wasn't.

relief and a mystical happiness flitted through him, she was holding out her arms to him, she had forgiven him. he was not a man who cried easily, but he knew at this moment, there were tears at the corner of his eyes.

he smiled and plunged into her arms, where he had wanted to be all along, ever since it had started to hurt, yet he had wanted to hurt her.

he gripped her tightly in his arms and buried his face in her neck, her hair falling over his face, his stubble grazing her shoulder. she winced and giggled a little. again he felt peace spread through him. smooth alabaster skin, taut and luscious, a musky fragrance in its hollows... he breathed in deeply and pressed his body against hers, wanting her cleansing touch, her unsullied embrace.

"i am sorry, khushi... galti ho gayi," he whispered against her ear.

(i am sorry, khushi... i made a mistake.)

she turned her face and kissed him quietly on the cheek, then cradled his head near her bosom. she turned her body and lay against him, stroking his hair.

"i... i... have the most terrible thoughts at times..." he started to speak.

"it's okay, arnav ji," she said, "it's over..." though her heart was scythed, though she still felt slashing pain and a curious insult at the way he had behaved, she did not want to dwell on it.

ever since arnav ji's accident, khushi felt a reluctance to stay too long with what was painful between them. he was there, alive, talking, being himself... she didn't want anything more. she would deal with everything else... she would find some way. last night she had ached terribly, she had not been able to walk up to him and forgive him. though she knew in his heart that is what he was asking for... she knew him well. when he had stormed out she had felt thick pain, and yet, she had known he would come back... he would want to love her, and only after she had forgiven him would he feel like himself.

but she had not been able to last night. something about the whole day had caught up with her and exhausted her... she had needed sleep.

now it was morning. and he was here... all she wanted was to have him in her arms, happy, sighing, relaxed. her arnav ji. her peace, her home.

she stroked his cheek.

"promise me, you'll never leave me, khushi," he muttered wretchedly, "mujhe chhorke kabhi nahin jaogi... i am not easy to live with, but, darling..." he paused, struggling, "main tumhare beena-"

(promise me, you'll never leave me, khushi... you won't leave me and go anywhere... i am not easy to leave with, but, darling... withiout you i won't-)

"arnav ji, shh, aise nahin kahte... hum aap ko chhorke jaayenge kaise... hum kya jee...?" she interrupted him.

(arnav ji, shh, don't speak like that... how will i leave you... can i live...?")

"shh..." he cut in then, "don't say that, khushi!"

suddenly she was giggling, her whole body shaking...

"and what is so funny, mrs khushi kumari gupta singh raizada?" he asked brushing his stubble against her cheek, nibbling her ear lobe... she turned to see his eyes were twinkling, deepening brown, no longer hurt and still.

"aap... aap very funny!" she chimed.

(you... you are very funny!)

"funny," he replied, "let me show you funny," and without warning, he ran his fingers over her smooth bare thigh, from near her hip, down to her knee, a soft deliberate caress. she trembled all over and convulsively moved closer to him.

"arnav ji, just now you were so filmi... now again you are arnav ji!" she was laughing and holding his hand, playfully moving it away.

he kissed her impulsively on the swell of her breast where it rose over the neckline, then with a swift gesture, he pulled her with him so they were both sitting up on the bed.

before she knew what he intended, he had slipped down onto the floor and was sitting before her on his knees, his arms came up and went around her waist as he sat there smiling up at her. her heartbeat catapulted, that smile of his, lips aslant, it never stopped messing with her heartbeat. he leaned down and kissed her bare knee. she blushed.

"i know, khushi," he said, "you will say there's no need to say this," he had a clear almost childlike look on his face.

his eyes shone up at her, serious and straightforward, no game in them.

"but, i have to say this. i... main... main shayad abhi bhi... i'm not yet free of all that happened and there are parts of me... parts that i... i don't understand... maybe maybe i fear them, khushi..." his voice had started sounding strained, he was searching in him to find what it was that he exactly wanted to say...

(but i have to say this. i, i... perhaps even now i... i'm not yet free of all that happened and there are parts of me... parts that i... i don't understand... maybe maybe i fear them, khushi...)

"fear, arnav ji? nahiin, aap mein aisi koi baat nahin hai..." khushi looked earnestly into his eyes and said what she believed.

(fear, arnav ji? no, there's nothing like that in you...)

"hai, khushi. kuch cheezein... main... my father..." his eyes grew troubled, "main shayad... galat... khushi..." he let go of the effort and buried his face in her lap, hugging her even closer.

(there is, khushi. some things... i... my father. i think i am... wrong... khushi...)

thoughts of sheesh mahal entered the quiet room in belgravia and descended on him, they whispered things he had tried for years not to hear. galat... there was something so terribly wrong about all the time. you could feel it everywhere. he had never breathed free, never been a part of that menacing air looming. what made it so he could never understand. and yet he belonged there, that was his home, there was his being, his blood. his father was galat. and arnav singh raizada knew the fault did not lie in his uncle or circumstances, it lay deep and true in his father. pita ji was wrong. and yet he loved pita ji. even now.

the thought came simply to him.

he felt winded by its quiet assertion. yes, he thought, he did love his father.

he had tried not to, he had vehemently opposed and denounced what his father had done, he had assumed he would never feel, could never feel, anything good about such a man. and yet... he could not change the way he felt about pita ji.

perhaps his fear came from this. was he the son of his father after all... with that deep and true fault embedded where no one could see it? only he sensed it? how he hated it when he lost his temper... it took him straight to the memories of his father and a horror that he carried something, anything, of dushyant malik in him.

she was stroking his hair with urgent hands telling him not to feel this way. she was here she kept saying, she was here for him. and she knew there was nothing wrong in him, not a shred of galat.

he listened to her lovely bell like voice.

and just lay there.

he could feel the soft folds of chiffon against his face, brushing his eyelashes, delicate gossamer fine. her fingers were cool on his face, she stroked his eyelids, his cheek, he could feel her bend down over him and kiss his temple softly.

so much beauty in this world, he thought. it gave him the strength to look up at her and finally say perhaps what he had needed to say to her all along.

"he was wrong, he was weak, he hurt maa... di... me. but i couldn't hate him... khushi. i love pita ji... i tried not to... but," he frowned wretchedly, torn by this bizarre confession he was making... what would khushi think. still she was the one he had to say this to, needed to say this to... he needed to tell someone about these hidden feelings of his that never rested, never gave peace. they stayed behind dark crevices in him, invisible even to him. but something in him knew they were there, they did exist. she was the only one in this whole world he could trust... she was the one whom he had hurt, and would keep hurting if he didn't do something about it. he must tell her.

what had happened last evening, he didn't want that to happen again. if that meant he had to face this revolting thing it was a small price to pay. he couldn't do that to khushi... to himself, anymore.

he looked into her eyes and completed his sentence, "... i can't help it, i find i still love him."

she had been looking at him with concern in her eyes. she seemed tense.

but now she smiled at him in that gentle knowing way of hers and murmured, "just as our children will love you, arnav ji."

he was dumbstruck for a few moments. what was that she said?

how did she always know what to say that made things fall into place. made him feel whole and true.

"but, khushi..." he demurred.

"koi but nahin, koi shut nahin... dekhiye, woh aapke babu ji the... unhone jo bhi kiya, par aap toh unse pyaar hi karte the na? and can one stop loving just like that?" she looked at him so seriously, he wondered where she got her conviction from, "galat... sahi... hum yeh sab dekhkar thodi pyaar karte hain?... it's not about that you know, it's a feeling... and once it comes, it's not easy to just let it go... it blesses us, it fulfills us, it makes us give of ourselves... aapki amma bhi toh unse pyaar hi karti thi na?"

(no but, no shut, see, he was your father... whatever he may have done, but you loved him, didn't you? and can one just stop loving like that? wrong... right... do we love after checking all that... it's not about that you know, it's a feeling... and once it comes, it's not easy to just let it go... it blesses us, it fulfills us, it makes us give of ourselves... your mother too loved him, didn't she?)he started smiling, "is there anything you don't know, khushi? come 'ere..." he pulled her down onto the carpeted floor and lay down next to her.

"what were you saying about..." his hand went to her back as he looked for the zip of her dress, "our children, hmm?" his face hovered over hers, really close, his eyes were laughing.

she squirmed and then shrieked as he pulled the zip down with a swift tug. khushi went to grab the front of her dress trying to keep it from slipping down and off her body. but he was quicker, she could feel the cold air hit her bare torso as he tossed her dress onto the bed.

"you looked beautiful last night, khushi," he whispered as he kissed her on her neck, her cheeks, her nose, her breasts, her stomach, her belly button and kept on kissing her moving further down...

"i wanted to make love to you like this all through the evening..." he was kissing her shin, first the right one, then the left. his lips felt warm and urgent, his heated breath trailed along her skin. she could feel goosebumps spreading over her belly, on her shoulders, along her upper arm. he had never kissed her like this before...

"you are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen," he nibbled her toes as he undid the buttons of his shirt and took it off...

he kissed his way up along her leg and by the time he had reached her lips she was arching, her body taut, wanting him to kiss her, hold her, make her his. she had so longed for arnav ji all of yesterday...

the touch of his calloused hands on her breasts made her sigh. she slid her arms around his hips and drew him down onto her...

"i love you, arnav ji," she whispered as she brushed her lips against his and felt him enter her.

it was a long time before either of them became aware that they were on the carpet and the room had gotten really cold.

you don't love someone because they are right or wrong, you just love them... sometimes so much, it hurts and still you can't help but keep on loving.

 index

chapter 35

without you: chapter 32

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

~~~ ee cummings ~~~

he stood at the doorway watching her. her eyes were dreamy yet they sparkled with merriment, or was it mischief, every now and then. but then back they went to another world where likely fairies and fauns lived and also rajkumars and their princesses.

it never ceased to astonish him or touch him that she could so easily move between worlds, completely comfortable talking to stars one minute, and making the bed or doing something equally mundane, the next. it was as if there were no walls, no limits, that separated the hard material sphere and a realm outside it, a realm made of memory, faith, trust, joy, and perhaps some hot crunchy jalebis.

he started to smile as he came to the last couple of words. it was a smile that usually made her heart skip several beats whenever she saw it. but right now she was too engrossed to notice.

the travelator on which she stood went round the exhibits in one continuous loop, most visitors to the tower of london stood on that moving walkway and gazed in astonishment, wonder, and maybe even with a touch of envy and covetousness at the dazzling, resplendent, utterly majestic array of the british crown jewels. crowns of queens and queen mothers, sceptres of kings and princes, stories of conquest and empire... royalty letting you know of its pomp and power.

magnificent gems glittered bright and glorious, placed with awe at the centre of a fabulous crown or the handle of an imperial sceptre, or studded onto a little princess's spoon.

there were diamonds the size of pigeon's eggs or larger, there were rubies, emeralds, sapphires and more. it was hard not to be moved by what one saw. and it possibly made the viewer quite completely forget that just a few hundred yards away was the not so towering tower where queens and princes and earls and viscounts and the powerful of the land were once beheaded.

khushi's eyes glittered, then she folded her hands and seemed to be praying to devi maiyya. this was possibly the fifth or sixth time she had gone around the exhibits. every time at a certain point, the transformation took place.

she suddenly peered closer, looked keenly, her eyes narrowed and  filled with khushi like emotions, not always easy to decipher. and then came the praying, lips also moved as she muttered under her breath.

just watching her, standing at the entrance to the hall, asr felt a lightness settle around his heart. it was saturday, he had a little time to take it easy, go out with khushi and show her some typical places tourists went to. then he frowned and wondered why in all these years he'd come to london he had never seen any of these things. london to him was always about work. about ar and its prospects. where it was important to have a base if one wanted to really make a mark in the world of fashion and luxury. he did not come here to see the buckingham palace or the london bridge or saint paul's or for that matter, the crown jewels. he went every day to the office and he worked and ran ar.

khushi was so immersed in her mysterious quest, she did not notice he'd stepped onto the travelator when the crowd started to thin. he had made sure he was right behind her, in fact. it was only when he slipped an arm around her waist from behind that she jumped up and glared back, now only anger shining in her eyes, lips tightened too.

"kya...!!!..." she started to yell when she realised she was staring straight into shimmery chocolate brown eyes.

(what!!)

dazzling brown actually, bright and glorious.

her words did an about turn and went and hit the back of her throat instead of coming out and slaying the offender. she stared, her knees beginning to feel a bit weak already. only one pair of eyes in the whole wide world had this intensity, this colour, this perfect clarity... and this dazzle.

and when he smiled that slightly baiting smile with the tiniest movement of his lips, his head bending closer, the eyes seemed to catch a dark light, and glinted with piercing brightness. devilish, provocative, made her dizzy every time.

"hey devi maiyya," she thought, "must just looking into arnav ji's eyes do this to me... and it's been two years, four months and two weeks already, isn't there any cure?!"

he grinned, the flash of white teeth acting immediately on her heart rate,  and slipped his other arm around her waist to pull her close. even through the layers of jackets and cardigans, she could feel his touch, his skin seemed to caress her back. she felt a breathlessness rise. her head stayed turned back looking at him, still.

"uh huh, won't you look at the diamonds and gem stones, khushi!" he was clearly teasing her, completely aware of the impact he had on her senses. that was exactly what he'd planned to have.

"tell me, what is so interesting here that you've been ignoring me all this time?" he nuzzled her neck, and pecked her lightly exactly where he knew she'd feel it the most, just where her collar bone ended and shoulder began. khushi shivered, hissing as she inhaled sharply. her stomach did a treacherous somersault and emptied out. a warmth spread across the soles of her feet.

"nn.. nahin toh..." she mumbled incoherently, tilting her neck and pressing back involuntarily against his lips. she could feel his stubble scratch her tender skin. she wished he could just pick her up and...

(nn... no not really...)

arms went around her knees and shoulder and the next instant she was aloft, arnav ji had picked her up, and he was smartly carrying her and stepping off the travelator!

"hey devi maiyya, how does he read my mind... does he also know what i thought..." khushi grabbed his collar and looked down, blushing.

his eyes moved lazily over her face recording her reactions, his smile went a bit more slanted, obviously intent on completely disorienting his wife.

khushi swallowed.

surviving this light, relaxed laad governor was becoming quite a task. what had happened to arnav ji? was he looking even more handsome than what she was used to, she thought again as she had several times ever since they'd come here? must be that long coat he wore, or something. yes, sometimes he wore a hat too. topi. she wanted to laugh and say funny things, but what she usually could manage was a choked gurgle. not very elegant.

she looked at his dark glossy hair fixedly now.

all sorts of burey khayal came to her head when she saw him, thoughts no one should read, yet she had a feeling he did. otherwise why did he tip his head to a side like that and smile at times.

(bad thoughts)

this was all getting to be too much.

first that koh-i-noor.

now him.

he kept walking with her in his arms.

"what were you looking at for so long, khushi? what were you thinking of?" he asked as he set her down when they had left the tower premises, but then kept holding her with an arm possessively slung around her middle, pulling her in slightly but firmly.

glad to have something to talk about and banish her bure khayal, she said, "that koh-i-noor," her eyes grew wide, "did you see it, arnav ji? how big, how beautiful it was? and now it is on the poor queen mother's crown... such a pretty crown. smaller but nicer..." she paused for a second, then rushed in, "soch rahe the kaise issey yahan se chori karein..."

(was thinking how would i steal it from here...)

asr started.

"that's why i was praying to devi maiyya and loking at it again and again. it's ours, na, why should it be here... haan?" she was giggling. obviously well aware by now that this was yet another fanciful thought of hers.

asr shook his head ruefully and caught hold of her hand, walking toward the tower bridge.

in her pale blue churidar with the mandatory gota and pompoms, a knee length quilted coat in ivory with fur trimmed collar, she had insisted it had to be fake of course, a fine tea rose pink cashmere scarf matching the pink trimmings on her churidar kurta, her hair tied in a neat little bun so she could pull on her hood whenever needed, she looked so pretty and from another time, he wondered what she'd say if he told her she reminded him of the heroines of those films maa and mami used to watch on tv whenever they visited delhi over the school holidays. all that was missing was a puffed up bouffant hair do and thick eyeliner on both lids.

he grinned at the thought and held her hand more tightly.

khushi snuggled up to him remembering how firm his hand had felt even that night, when he had turned around at sheesh mahal and gone straight back to where danger and death lurked.

she had not doubted him for an instant even then.

she rubbed her face against the smooth material of his trench coat, he looked down at her and gestured with his head for her to see what was before them.

they were at the railing of the bridge and the river thames lay below, in front and behind them. on either side was the city of london, graceful and sure, a sense of time and history wrapped in its known and not so well known buildings. steamers and speedboats went by. the greenish grey water swayed and moved, such a deep and wide river running across the heart of a city. it was a dull cloudy day, yet khushi thought it was beautiful.

when arnav ji smiled like that nothing very much else mattered.


***

she was standing on the steps of the temple, her heart gone blank, a buzzing sound in her ears. she could feel her cheeks burning, almost scorching. she knew that was a sign of anger coming on.

how could this be?

shyam ji was a married man!?!! he was anjali ji's husband?

khushi's head seemed to explode. was that pain or what was that feeling?

she had never been lashed by such a storm of emotions, all powerful and exceedingly brutal.

shock had given way to disbelief, then horror, disgust, even shame had come rushing. as she stared at him on the terrace of shantivan and finally the pieces fit together... why anjali ji's husband's voice had sounded familiar on the phone, why he would disappear whenever anjali ji came visiting, why both her fiance and anjali ji's husband had the same name...

why?

the simplest of answers really, because they were the same man.

khushi, who had always had a head for maths, whom babu ji trusted with all the accounts of the shop, had not worked out this simple equation.

her eyes widened as a wave of emotions swamped her while she stood at the terrace door. then she walked on jerky feet to the man who had wronged her and so many others and without thinking of anything, certainly not the consequences, she raised her hand and slapped him hard across the face.

without a word, she threw her ring at him and left the terrace, head held high.

it was only when she went inside that the full impact of what she had just discovered hit her. she could feel herself shaking from within and the more she tried to rush the more her legs felt leaden, dragging her down.

in a disoriented broken state, eyes swimming with tears, she sought safety and walked ahead, now head down, trying to hide her tears.

when he shouted, "what's wrong with you! can't you see where you are going!!" and she heard the sound of shattering glass, she realised she'd come to the poolside, where...

where usually arnav ji was to be found... working... on the plants or his laptop. but ever since that day...

when nothing had seemed to matter as he'd kissed her, when all she had wanted to do was be with him and let all sense cease. when, in the end, she had not been able to do that and had left him. and afterward he had come to her full of resentment and accusations...

they were both engaged, given to others, they had no place in each other's lives.

ever since that day... khushi had avoided him the best she could. she had been conscious of never coming to his part of the house. always alert... mindful, she did not want to feel things she was not supposed to.

then why, why today her feet had found their way here? why? again, khushi couldn't add things up and come to a straight simple answer.

shaken, she sat down to pick up the pieces of the coffee cup she'd broken when she dashed into him. her hands shook, her tears blurred her vision. she kept herself from whimpering. she told herself she had no right to throw herself on his wide solid chest and cling to him, screaming and asking why, why, this had to happen.

she could not let his arms wrap around her and lay her head on his shoulder and feel taken care of, safe.

she could not cry into his warm comforting body and tell him to make it alright, never let her feel like this again.

she did not have the right to do any of that. he belonged to another.

at the thought, more tears came flowing.

"khushi?" his voice had lost all edge, tender and gentle it was and he knelt by her side peering at her. her tears glittered and shone. the evening sun sent sharp slanted rays to refract in them and make them bright and dazzling.

he had caught her by the shoulders and made her stand.

"what's the matter? ro kyun rahi ho?" he had asked.

(what's the matter? why are you crying?)

"who has hurt you?" he had persisted, when she kept quiet, "was it..." then suddenly his eyes had changed colour, his voice gone flat, "was it your fiance? tell me, did he do anything to you?"

khushi had stared at asr speechless. what could she tell him? that his sister's husband was her fiance? he was the man she had been engaged to till five minutes back? no. her very being shuddered at the thought. it would break to smithereens anjali ji's life.

and arnav ji? her eyes searched his face. no. she couldn't bear to hurt him. not him. he may be another's but she could not hurt him.

he had gotten more frantic. his voice had gone up, his hold on her tightening, eyes reflected the spectre of uncomfortable, terrible thoughts.

"tell me, what has he done... has he hurt you, khushi?" asr had not been able to control the fury entering his voice, his being, at the very thought of anything untoward happening to her. anything... wrong.

but khushi had said nothing, and then suddenly she'd turned and left swiftly, refusing to look back when he called out.

she had left in a hurry from shantivan, the family was in the midst of a havan and she had been able to escape without much fuss. she had walked around blindly for a while and then gone where she always went when nothing in this world seemed right, when she needed solace and strength.

she had gone to her devi maiyya's temple. it was a wonderful chance, or perhaps not, that just as back home in lucknow, here too, near bua ji's house there was a beautiful temple dedicated to the goddess.

her prayers were half way through when the calls started to come. and after she had rung off many times and still arnav ji refused to give up, she had answered him.

"how dare you!" he had shouted, sounding all too familiar, "how dare you disconnect my calls?!"

she had said nothing.

"khushi?! are you okay? where are you?" he had asked, maybe his voice was gentler but she was too tired, too beaten to notice.

she had still said nothing.

"you won't tell me?" why did he have to sound like that? again her tears had threatened to come. "tum theek ho?" he had asked softly. she had swallowed, mumbled and put the phone down.

(are you alright?)

now she stood on the steps of the temple. again assailed by the unbelievable situation, the stark horror of it, the subterfuge and sheer menace at its core. how could this be? shyam ji, who had been practically thrust upon her by her well meaning aunt, whom she had agreed to marry only because her babu ji seemed to want it, who she thought was her friend, even if she didn't love him and she felt maybe friendship would be the foundation on which she would build a relationship she had accepted the burden of having... shyam ji, who had saved her all those months ago at the bhoolbhulaiya, who had helped her get her job in delhi... who was always unfailingly kind and concerned for her... unlike the man she had just left and come... how could shyam ji who was so well spoken and who adhered to the best ideas of their tradition, how could he be such a lowdown unspeakable cheat?

how?

how could he be married and that too to anjali ji!

khushi closed her eyes, she wanted to throw up, her whole body jerked as she retched. why was she feeling so dizzy suddenly? was she going to pass out?

she felt arms gather her just as she would have fallen on the steps.


***

they both stood by the river lost in thought, their hands were linked, fingers playing unconsciously, saying things that words are not able to.

"arnav ji?" khushi said looking out into the distance as the light dimmed and in the horizon a streak of red separated earth and sky. and lights started getting turned on here and there, in homes, on the streets, on the bridges over thames.

"hmmm?" he was loath to let the silence go. he hadn't been enveloped in a silence like this in years. perhaps never. yes, his world had gone silent one day and there were very few words in it for a long long time. but not a silence such as this.

he put his arm around her shoulder and drew her to him. the water was shimmering darkly now... had he ever felt this peace before?

"do you think they knew?" khushi asked.

he had no problem understanding what she was trying to say.

"perhaps not in a way we 'know' but in another way... the way..." his voice stopped and he seemed to look for the right words. he swallowed as he thought of maa. she seemed to have melted and dissolved into every breath and space and atom around him. she was a presence in his heart, a voice in his mind, a sound of kangans, and endless peace... he kept quiet. this time he noticed he didn't hear the gun shots.

"yeah, i think they knew," khushi smiled and looked at the first stars appearing in the firmament. her mother was there, somewhere... and no, no one could really hurt her... never.

she sent a longing glance at a star that felt familiar. his fingers on hers tightened as if he knew exactly what she was feeling. some day, she thought, i will tell our kids about how ajeeb their father is, and how much love this khadoos laad governor had brought into their mother's life.

"hey devi maiyya!" she yelped no sooner had she thought that. her eyes became large circles as her lips went into the "o" formation, her eyebrows leapt up on her forehead, and her hands flew to cover her mouth...

"yeh humne kya socha!" she shrieked.

(what was this i thought!)

asr looked at her, eyes dancing. why had he imagined there might be any silence around his wife. futile thought.

"what's the matter, khushi? calm down..." he was struggling not to laugh. the drama never abated, not an iota, with this pagal he loved.

"calm down?! kaise calm down!" she said with a frantic look and several quick gulps.

(calm down? how to calm down?)

children... she had been thinking of children?!! and that too while looking at the stars.

"come, let's go get some dinner," asr said cutting into her thoughts. but this time even food couldn't divert her mind. imagine little little laad governors running around... she shut her eyes tight.


***

she had almost fallen upon him at the poolside. and then when he'd asked her what was wrong, she had left in a rush without saying much... in fact, without saying a word.

asr was well aware she was avoiding him. he had not wanted to meet her too. ever since that day... when he'd heard she had agreed to marry someone.

she was engaged.

the words had unsettled him instantly. ripping through him. how could she?! then he had remembered lavanya. a commitment. no, he was not a free man. yet it bothered him. bothered him so much to think of khushi with anyone.

asr's lips tightened, his body grew tense. why was she in that state. was it that man? anger climbed up the back of his neck, his ears and reached the pulse beating at his temples. it throbbed. he could feel himself lose his grip. he wanted to find this man and straighten him out. how dare he... had he done anything to her?

but then her face floated up before him. so lost. so untethered.

khushi.

where was she? he must find her. he picked up his phone and started calling her. no answer. then she disconnected his calls.

what the. how dare she! he made several more attempts. finally she picked up the phone."how dare you!" he shouted, "how dare you disconnect my calls?!"

she said nothing.

he tried to talk to her more calmly then... all he wanted was to know she was alright. why it mattered he had no idea, but he knew he had to make sure she was.

she said nothing... and then in the silence he could hear a sound begin to pour in.

temple bells.

she was at the temple.

was it the temple near her house? she had pointed it out to him once long back. then he thought, why should he bother, she had not even spoken to him throughout. not a word.

he paced up and down in his room for a few minutes. but this need to see her, to hold her and soothe her assailed him. he shook his head exasperatedly and threw the phone on the bed.

he walked out onto the poolside and stood for a moment looking up at the sky... bright sunlight, yet there was a sense of darkness.

he swiveled around and strode back to his bed, snatched up the phone, picked up his car keys and went swiftly out of the house.

he had no idea if this was the right temple, but he drove there anyway without wasting any time.

he parked and was crossing the road when he saw her. she was standing on the steps at the entrance and she seemed to be confused. then she put a hand on her head and started to sway... he had no idea how fast he ran when he saw that.

if she fell she would hit hard stone floor. he had to catch hold of her before that. a car narrowly missed him as he ran across the road, the driver called him some unprintable name. asr didn't even seem to hear.

khushi.

he had to get to her.

she was about to let go when he reached her, his arms already extended to catch her. she collapsed in a pliant heap on him, the impact of her body making him fall back a bit, then he steadied himself and looked down at her. she looked so pale and fragile lying there in his arms. and tears... a whole cluster of them clung to her eyelashes.

a sharp jag of pain glanced through his body, his heart seemed to feel its impact. he went down the steps and to the suv with her. when he made her sit on the passenger seat and put on the seat belt, she lay there limp, not responding. he got into his seat and was about to start driving when he caught sight of her wan face again. he had to stop.

he leaned over and gently touched his lips to her closed eyelids where the tears glistened on dark lashes.

salt got left back on his lips.

he licked his lips in reflex. he could taste her tears there. and he did not like the feeling at all.

why should khushi be in this state? why should she cry?

he put his arms around her and kissed her tenderly on the lips.

"don't worry," he murmured... "it will be okay."

he drove to her place, when they reached and she was still not awake, he  carried her inside.

she called much later that evening and thanked him for taking her home. he knew what was between them was perhaps gone, never to return, he was angry with her for saying yes to someone, and yet he felt happy she had called.


***

it was a beautiful restaurant. one of london's trendiest. gordon ramsay's new place and the food was interesting and different. the well known chef of the rather foul tongue had been to south east asia earlier in the year on a quest to master the most popular dishes of the highly food oriented people in that part of the world.

he had come back recharged and wildly enthusiastic about new tastes and textures. here in his new restaurant he explored that in a menu splashed with exotic fusion combinations of south east asian hawker food and popular western dishes.

asr had heard a lot about the restaurant and had had aman reserve a place from them the moment he decided to come here with khushi. she would enjoy it he was sure...

he had a bite of his crab cake flavoured with singapore pepper crab spices and looked at khushi.

she was picking at her delicate looking pesto sauce and laksa noodles which had come plated in a large platter with a tiny little mound of pasta  arranged prettily right at the centre, lots of empty white plate all around.

khushi had started out looking thrilled, then her expression had slipped to one of stoic acceptance.

when she saw him gazing at her, she smiled brightly and said, "very nice, pata nahin kitne saarey masala hai iss mein, must be very hard to make..."

(very nice, i wonder how many different spices there are in this. must be very hard to make...)

asr finished his food while khushi struggled. when he was done, he called for the bill without checking if she wanted anything else.

she had not enjoyed the pasta, but she had finished it nonetheless, she hated wasting food. she was so looking forward to a large dessert to fill the gaping hole in her stomach, but arnav ji seemed to be in a hurry, maybe he was tired, so she kept quiet.

they were in the car going back and she was talking about all sorts of things... the buckingham palace which she had seen just that morning, st paul's cathedral which was so pretty, and yes peaceful and the koh-i-noor. oh how shining and beautiful was that... when she noticed instead of turning left at one point, he veered right.

"arnav ji, that's not the way home!" she warned.

"i know..." he smiled slightly. he liked it when she called his little pad, home.

soon they had reached picadilly and he turned into regent's street and found parking.

he got out and came around to her side; when she looked at him bewildered he grabbed her hand saying, "come!"

a short walk and a turn into a little lane later, they were going up a plush carpeted staircase, khushi read a nameplate somewhere along the way that said veeraswamy's.

huh? what was this? a door swung open, a smiling man, he looked indian, in a dark jacket, said, "good evening, mr raizada, do come in, so you are in london again? pease, madam... this way!"

they were ushered to a secluded table overlooking the street. khushi looked around nonplussed yet excited. it was an indian restaurant!

arnav ji had already got the attention of a waiter and completely ignoring the menu, he had started to order, "get us vegetable biriyani, boondi raita, kashmiri aloo dum, matar paneer, dal tadka, naan, and some hot gulab jamuns with icecream for dessert... and... some gajar halwa also." khushi was gaping at him.

the waiter looked pleased and was beginning to turn away when asr called out, "oh yes, before i forget," he gave a whimsical smile, "a plate of golgappa, make the water really spicy."

khushi almost fell off her chair at that.

golgappa?

in this land of pasta, salad, sandwich, soup?

she looked at asr, tears of joy almost coming to her eyes.

"khushi," he laughed and flicked her nose, "is it necessary to cry at everything?"


***

it was sunday morning. and today the sun was shining bright. not a hint of grey anywhere. the colours of the trees and sky were true and fresh. church bells could be heard in the distance. there was a crisp energy in the air. a picture perfect day almost.asr was having a shower while khushi went about making the bed, opening the curtains, getting something on for breakfast. mrs higgs wouldn't be coming in today, she would go shopping with her tomorrow, khushi decided. they needed vegetables, eggs, bread butter, flour, oil, sugar, everything.

she would make arnav ji a nice cheese paratha now, he would grumble about the oiliness but eat it anyway and khushi was sure he thoroughly enjoyed it too.

as she ran about the apartment putting things in order, she hummed  a song. he had just come out after a bath wearing only his large white bath towel tucked around his waist, and he was looking at his shirts, lingering while he listened to her voice.

she rarely sang like that, but whenever she did, he heard quietly, a funny kind of happiness stealing into him.

and then she screamed.

"khushi!" he was shouting her name and running out to the sitting room at the same time. what was wrong?

he found her standing frozen by the window.

she seemed to be okay. he breathed a sigh of relief and walked over. "what's the matter?" he asked.

she turned around and saw him, and shrieked again.

her eyes moved from his face down his long neck, flaring collarbones, down his tapering chest all the way to where his towel rested on his slim, slightly flaring hips, then she looked up hurriedly, trying not to look at his sinuous flowing arms. he had stopped when she shrieked, now he started to walk toward her...

"what's there? why are you...?" he was about to look out of the window when she drew the curtain hastily and pulled him away, "nahin!" her voice was a bit panicky, "don't look there..."

(no!)

"why?" he was completely puzzled now.

"nahin, woh!" she mumbled. she was flushed, her cheeks had gone pink. he watched wondering what the matter was. then her eyes fell on his chest, the springy hair that grew from just below his neck all the way down to his navel and she looked away again and turned a fairly bright fuchsia pink.

uff, khushi, she thought to herself, again bure khayal. and what was that outside!

while she pondered and looked bothered, he peeked out quickly to see what had got her so frazzled.

right below, on the open deck of the house next door, a young woman lay on a chaise longue wearing a straw hat, large sunglasses, a tiny little bikini bottom and nothing else. she was sunbathing, so what it was november and rather chilly. her bare breasts were visible to the skies above and everybody who cared to see from the buildings all around.

asr's shoulders shook with laughter, he turned to look at his horrified wife's face, now fully understanding what had put her in this state.

then as he looked at her, he felt a rush of pure, absolute desire come and overtake him. he started to move, walking deliberately toward her.

she was watching him from under her lashes and as he came closer, she could sense something was different. she had this uncontrollable feeling that made her take one step back, then another...

he kept walking toward her anyway... completely engrossed now, his eyes on hers, his gait slightly menacing. the towel swayed as he moved, a regal slowness to it.

asr could feel the skin on his back tingling and a need surging through him his entire body. as she felt her back hit the wall and stopped looking at him helplessly, he walked over and put his hands on the wall on either side of her head, trapping her, looking down at her with a measured half smile.

why must eyes shine like that, she thought, and tried not to quiver too much... she, in fact, made the mistake of lifting her chin slightly in defiance.

he swooped down that very moment and took her lips in a swift hard kiss. she felt a stab of pain as his teeth bit into her inner lip. and then strangely, instead of feeling hurt, she was excited. she swallowed hard...

his breathing had become short and his hands urgent. he dragged her to him and stumbled over to the sofa falling upon it, their arms and legs entangled. he heaved himself up over her for an instant and whipped the towel off him, flinging it away.

khushi felt his body slam against hers as he lay naked over her. her hands went up to his back. smooth taut skin that khushi loved to touch. she ran her fingers all the way down the groove of his spinal cord, to his hips. she held him there and moved closer, her body now alive and wanting him.

he sat up all of a sudden and helped her take her clothes off. neither of them spoke. it didn't matter to her it was the sitting room. there was no time to think of such things. only an absorption, a driving need, a gnawing in the gut, and a joy in touching, in stroking, in nudging, in holding, in pushing, in arching, in screaming, in falling, in heaving.

they lay together in each other's arms entwined, oblivious to anything but each other... and the morning went by.

aman had tried to call many times, an important buyer, mr yosel sassoon wanted to invite sir and khushi bhabi for dinner the next evening. seemed sir was not available to take a call today.

index

chapter 33

 

without you: chapter 30

"there will be today, there will be tomorrow, there will be always,

and there was yesterday, and there was the day before..."

~~~ leo tolstoy, war and peace ~~~

lips pursed, concentrating, he frowned at the laptop screen as the stewardess came silently and placed another cup of black coffee on the arm rest. a quick sharp gaze at her acknowledging her gesture and asr went back to work.

"sir, can i get you something to eat," shalini ali asked, she knew what the answer would be, yet it was her duty to ask.

"thanks, shalini, i'm fine..." asr sounded offhand, in his own world.

shalini looked at mrs raizada in the seat beside him and saw she was fast asleep. shalini withdrew from the private cabin, they had been flying for almost eight hours now, and as usual mr raizada had only had coffee and was immersed in his computer. she wondered about mrs raizada, should she awaken her? she had had a hearty lunch though, so maybe it was alright to let her sleep, they were to land around 4.30pm london time, she would serve some refreshments before that. there were cheese sandwiches for asr and  freshly made samosas and jalebis had been sent over from his home for mrs raizada. 

"hmmm?" khushi murmured in her sleep and her head flopped to one side.

he looked up thinking she was awake. she had been terrified during take off, gripping his hand tight, her eyes squeezed shut and muttering many prayers to devi maiyya sotto voce. yet this was not her first time in a plane he knew.

that had been a flight from delhi to lucknow, blindfolded. asr's teeth had clenched as he'd recalled the kidnap, sheesh mahal, everything. his eyes had flashed in anger, he'd looked away from her not wishing to let her see it.

they both needed to be away from everything for a while. just be together. that was all.

he leaned across and tucked a pillow under her head, he adjusted the seat so it was almost flat. then he sat looking at her for a few minutes.

the innocent curve of her cheek and the slight pout her lips settled in when she slept touched him whenever he caught sight of them. a lock of hair had as usual fallen forward over her temple and of course his fingers wanted to reach over and tuck it behind her ears as he had done so many times before. but before that... before that...

he bent closer and let his lips touch her cheek, the lightest little peck, his lips resting against her smooth skin just for an instant, brushing against it, feeling its taut springy touch... just an instant.

she felt the kiss and sighed.

her mouth opened slightly and she exhaled, a small gossamer breath slipped out and he felt its warmth against his cheek, his nose... a faint sound as she sighed... she seemed to whisper something under her breath, he couldn't catch what.

she always spoke of hamesha... eternity, his yes narrowed a little remembering. and in a tiny spec of time, a fleeting moment, eternity he felt was right here, in his hand. he'd caught it and it was there to stay.

he looked at khushi once more and brushed that errant tendril away, then he continued with his assessment of the new project in the uk. he hoped he would have the time to show her a bit of the city. he knew the two weeks were going to be quite packed with meetings and work.


***

winter was beginning to make its way to the northern hemisphere. there was a sharp chill in the air and as they walked out of heathrow, khushi's teeth chattered involuntarily though she was wearing a thick jacket and scarf.

"come here," his arm shot out and gripped her shoulder as he brought her close, "better?" he asked, one eyebrow lifting.

and though the breeze had a bite in it, khushi suddenly felt warm and a bit dizzy. she looked at him, eyes a little confounded. she couldn't quite understand why but arnav ji seemed to be somewhat different here, just like that... her heart rate was raised to an alarming level... her breath struggled and seemed to lose its way at the sight of him. hoonh, really he was a laad governor and this videsh must be like his own land to him.

she had noticed his ease when they got into the airport. people appeared from nowhere to attend to him, actually a rather beautiful woman in a very short skirt and smooth tights and slim heels it had been. she had smiled at arnav ji, said, "good evening, mr raizada, good to see you, do come this way," and whisked them through immigration.

khushi had never stepped outside india, in fact she'd barely left lucknow ever. they had gone to the family home in the little village nearby for some weddings and things at times. she had been to agra once and yes, now delhi and almost to nainital.

she had never seen an airport terminal either. her eyes darted all around as she took in the crowds, the massive proportions of the place, the high ceiling, the modern, metallic grey look, the air of rush and something expectant, excited all around. there were people of so many kinds... had she ever seen so many people from all over the world in one place? some were fair with golden hair, some absolutely dark, there were people who looked like they were from china and people who looked very angrez, or so she thought... they could be from anywhere...khushi's eyes began to grow a little rounder, it occurred to her what a huge world this really was. and completely unfamiliar. she felt a little nervous suddenly. would she be able to cope here? and surely she would have to speak to everyone in english. her arnav ji's favourite language, huh. khushi made a little face.

"aap ko taxi chahiye, madam?" a voice cut into her thoughts. she almost jumped. did someone speak to her in hindi just now? she must be hallucinating. she knew it she was not feeling too well, she should have told arnav ji...

(do you want a taxi?)

"taxi mil jayega, kahan jaana hai bataiye?" the voice spoke again.

(you can get a taxi, where are you going?)

so it was a real voice and it knew hindi. khushi turned around cautiously and peered. before her stood a slightly burly indian man with a rough face but a huge smile. khushi gaped and said, "n.. namaste..."

the man looked at her and waited.

"n..nahin hum..." she started to reply.

(no, we...)

"no thank you, we have a car," asr's voice was clipped as he looked at the man and declined the offer of a cab, he had made sure their luggage had been sent to the car and come up to join khushi.

now he was holding her close and smiling slightly at her, "ready for london, khushi kumari gupta singh raizada?" he asked.

khushi wished she could say something smart like, "is your london ready for khushi kumari gupta singh raizada, laad governor?" instead again she was left all flustered by his glittering eyes and that different air. she noted he was wearing a very long coat and that looked so much like a movie.

***

the forty five odd minute drive to belgravia was quiet. khushi was too engrossed in the passing scenery to say anything. the feeling of being in a completely new environment held sway and there was something alive and energetic in it. the roads were different, the houses, the trees, the skies... and all the houses they passed seemed to have beautiful greenery, leaves of many shades, some bright flowers also among them... there were little potted plants on tiny balconies, or creepers with a few blooms here and there, rose creepers clung to many walls and others whose names she didn't know. there were garden patches in some homes and some had lawns and manicured hedges; it was very obvious that people here liked their gardens.

just like her laad governor. her eyes strayed to him for a second as she thought that, and she saw his eyes were on her, a little smile played on his lips. the light was falling fast but she could sense the chocolate brown of his irises looking molten and fluid.

she felt a rush of extraordinary joy suddenly. had she ever imagined that one day she would be coming to a country so far away with a man she loved more than her life?

yes, it was the country that had ruled over her own land for many years and often done unfair things, but it was still a country which had beautiful things in it, she knew, and there were many wonderful people here, also things to see, to know, and she was really excited about her first trip outside india too.

lavanya ji had given her many ideas as to what to do here. she had even  made a list of what she call the "must dos" and had said should khushi feel the need for anything she must call her parents who lived in london itself.

but khushi knew as long as arnav singh raizada was with her, she would really need nothing else. 

***

it was not a very large apartment, but it felt so familiar, she felt at home the moment she walked in. the colours were his and so was the almost sparse austere air. grey, black, brown, white, clean lines, minimum clutter and large windows overlooking a view that rose in layers, the trees on the streets was closest, then came terraces, some with charming gardens and finally the city behind it rising to the stars above.

"like it?" he asked as she looked around. then he just pulled her into his arms and started kissing her.

she was taken aback and almost yelped. she even put up her hands involuntarily to push him away. he laughed and held her hand twisting it behind her.

"khushi, say it..." he said against her lips.

"kya?" she was confused.

(what?)

"you still don't know?" his irises had gone dark, his hands were urgent. he lifted her swiftly into his arms and walked in, taking her to the bedroom. swiftly he took off his overcoat and helped her out of her jacket.

then he opened the curtains of the french windows lining one wall and outside against the dark, stretched lights, the glimmering lights of a vast city. they were on the fourth floor of a remodeled old townhouse in this quiet, beautiful neighbourhood in central london. a balcony ran alongside the windows, there were potted plants in planters hung on the railings outside and a palm tree in a large pot grew in one corner. it looked lovely from where khushi sat on the bed.

there was a simple chaise longue in silver grey velvet, a glass top csmal coffee table and a recessed wardrobe in the room. a plush dark grey carpet was at the foot of the bed, bedside tables on either side near the head. elegant floor lamps and a couple of bedside lamps threw interesting pools and eddies of light around the room.

khushi had noticed the houses along the tree lined streets were mainly pristine white and had a stately air, a calm enveloped everything. this was his little place, something like a "bachelor's pad" he had told her. he preferred to live here when work brought him to this city. he had bought the flat a few years ago and a well known designer had done it up for him, but it was just a necessity as far as he was concerned, a place of his own where he could work in peace and not have to see new unfamiliar hotel rooms on every trip.

she sat looking around the room wondering what he wanted her to say. he walked back to her and pulled her onto his lap as he sat on the chaise longue. he gently nuzzled the crook of her neck, kissed along the back of her neck, her nape, up to her ears... there was a relaxed languid air about him. as if he had not a care in the world.

the room settled down around them beginning to feel warm and welcoming. khushi realised this was the first time ever since they got married they would be living in a home all by themselves. just the two of them. and strangely enough, even though she absolutely loved living with family, in fact, she couldn't imagine living any other way, yet, she was filled with a sense of thrill at the thought that it was only arnav ji and herself for the next two weeks. no one else.

well, there was mrs higgs. the lady who came in regularly to make sure the place was clean and aired and the plants were taken care of. but she didn't live here.

and he had said he also had a car here, preferring to drive it himself, though he did say at the rate london was getting congested he wished he could just use his helicopter to move around. 

khushi giggled at the thought.

he tugged her closer to him and said, "what?"

"what nahin, what the kahiye," she retorted.

(not what, say, what the.)

"huh?" he was clearly more interested in doing what he was doing...

"you want to fly around all over the city of the sahibs... haan? laad governor kahinke!" she snuggled into him and tucked her head on his shoulder.

"hmm, at last she says it," he murmured, "remember who i am and obey me, d'you understand!" he chuckled and made sure she understood exactly what he wanted her to comply with.


***

he watched her as she slept on the chaise longue after they had made love. the silhouette of her profile, her breasts, her long flowing body. he never tired of looking at them... or wondering if he made her as happy as she made him.

as she lay there and the lights of london gleamed behind her in the night, he had a feeling of stars, of promises of a place away from here. 

it had been almost a year and nine months since the night he had dragged her with him to the temple and forced her to marry him.

his eyes registered the pain he felt, the pain he knew he had given her.

thoughts intruded.

they came  from another dark night when shots had rung out, two gun shots. he shuddered. no maa had not killed herself. it was chacha ji. and it was his wife's mother who had been the bait used. khushi's mother... his eyes closed in a helpless rage, his father had tried to molest her and she had escaped... but not really. ultimately no one had escaped. especially two women. he had always blamed the other woman, he had always thought she had played a game to trap his father and perhaps she had even wanted to get rid of his maa and take her place.

when dadi ji had accused garima aunty and she had not denied the fact... he had felt a curious sense of extreme disappointment but really no anger. he had known khushi's amma too well by then to know, she was no player of games.

he had felt unsettled, there was a feeling of something not quite right in the whole situation. a profound feeling of galat. wrong. but exactly where and what he had not been able to tell.

now he knew.

not khushi's amma, but khushi's own amma was the other woman... yet, was she even to blame. if anything... without his realising a sob settled in his heart. his uncle had taken khushi's parents away from her.

and worse still, his own father had tried to molest the mother of his wife.

asr's eyes glittered in the dark. a streak of danger in them. the malignancy of sheeshmahal seemed to spread and reach a room thousands of miles away. two women had been egregiously wronged. by his own father.

no, three women had been wronged. the third lay before him. and she was only eight then.

he got up slowly and went to the sitting room next door. he picked up a remote and pressed a button. the sombre aching notes of beethoven's moonlight sonata filled the room. he poured himself a scotch and stood by the window sipping it neat, not even a splash of water.

***

khushi stood before asr, shaking with rage, "why, why won't you tell me what i have done, how i have hurt you and why you have done this to me... forced me..." her eyes filled with tears. angry tears... not tears of sadness but fury... they spilled freely down her cheeks.

he stood watching her, unable to say a word. anger, hurt, sense of betrayal, an earthshaking loss and loneliness churned and pummeled him. he could feel its blows raining down on him, his breath scattering... their rhythm snapped... but he couldn't say a word.  he looked away and stared out through the french windows at the pool blazing under the sun outside. he couldn't bring himself to say he had seen what he had... he had known what he had... he had felt what he had.

all he wanted to do was tuck back that willful lock on her forehead. touch her soft shiny hair tenderly and caress her skin and know she breathed near him, just by him, always his... hamesha.


***

khushi could feel a wild hunger overtake her suddenly, she woke up with a start. she looked to see if he was up, but he was not next to her. she sprang up a little worried, scared, disoriented.

"i am here, khushi," she heard his voice and looked in its direction. he had just walked in the door and stood there. his glass was still not empty. khushi frowned, he was drinking by himself, was he alright?

"arnav ji, mujhe bahut bhookh lagi hai," she blurted out, her body sending out slightly garbled signals in her jet lagged state.

(arnav ji, i am very hungry...)

his face broke into a wide grin at that and he said huskily, "now that is actually what i was waiting for you to say." 

index

chapter 31