this business of love

just wanted to say something about this business of pyaar.



i know everyone wants it to be politically right, done and shown a certain way, we see shows that seem to present the "right" way of loving... and definitely a man trapping, pulling, dragging a girl is out as far as socially acceptable love is concerned.



and yet, when these things happened in ipk, i couldn't help but feel the roiling throbbing real emotions in those moments. i could also not say these things don't happen. nor could i say, if this happens you need to walk out on the whole relationship.



fighting, yelling, getting a little, no a lot, out of control i have come to know to be part of deep emotion. especially love. there are people who by disposition are calm and they will express and experience love within the extent and boundaries of their nature. then there are more naturally ebullient people, such as myself. but i think anyone, if they really feel this emotion, will be touched by it and moved to do things they normally may never do.

it's been more than thirty three years since i fell in love madly with a young man. he was handsome, funny, totally exciting, and he had this crazy upbeat view of life that carried me away. this december it will be thirty years since we married.



when i see asr and khushi fight and take things to extremes at times. when i see them err... both of them... and then come back to each other, i am so reminded of my life, my love.



there is an inherent tension in utter love. if there weren't, poetry, literature, art would not be devoted to it. 

if you love someone you just may overstep boundaries.



and when you do, if it is love, its call will get to you, catch you, bring you back... and even make you consider your actions with deep honesty. you may be able to modify certain things as the love fills you... some things though will remain... part of nature. part of your love story.



your lover will make the decision to live with it or not. as will you. 

there has been a lot of hurting and forgiveness and feeling and heartache in my years with this feeling. many things have not been politically correct... 

but i have known in my heart this is love. that was all i needed to know at times.

i must absolutely stress here, i am not including even for a moment and even an iota of physical violence in this. that is not politically incorrect, that is wrong and no one who loves you, hits you, beats you up. no exceptions to this fact. 

so yes, asr pulled and dragged khushi as if unable to hold himself back, angry why he often didn't even know. yes, the story took them to the terrible night of a bizarre wedding, but had asr hit her... i'd have switched off the telly. there'd be no indiandisspyaarko.

ipk touched the nature of this emotion we call love. not in pretty scenes always, but it got the feeling like very few things i have seen have. there was a sensing of the effects of this hard to describe emotion, how it descends from nowhere and yanks you in, takes over your mind and strikes your heart.



and it rejoiced in this feeling, honouring it.



i can see khushi and asr thirty years from now... they will still be doing nok jhok and at times clashing wildly. ask either of them to change even one line of their love story, they'll possibly yell... pagal ho gayi ho kya. have you gone mad.



okay, maybe that whole achhi bahu part khushi will ask for a little real kkg elements to be brought in there, asr may say enough smiling, dammit! but even if you don't change a thing and let it be exactly as it is, they'd still be there years on... asr khushi and a girl falling into a man's arms one lit up evening, hamesha.

......................

samjhi tum to sorry episodes

episode rambles

fanfiction

the need for chaos

asr had no idea how much she mattered to him. he was not the sort of man who had told himself tales of meeting a girl and falling in love with her for all eternity, all his life. just the opposite, in fact... and so when it happened, he couldn't even begin to fathom what was really happening. by the time he did, and was ready to tell her, everything exploded. he'd not even begun to feel the depth of his emotions, just touched them, gotten introduced.

perhaps watching her suffer, be unfairly treated, in tears, all of it had its place in this love story... they took him to the real depth and colossal nature of his emotions. they led to the battle unto death between his dil and dimaag, his heart and mind. they made the man of dimaag accept the triumph of his dil... the truth of pyaar sabse bada hota hai.

he thought he felt nothing but nafrat, yet his dil completely opposed his posturing, and he said as much later: his heart refused to listen to him. perhaps these are the times in which he will know exactly how indestructible, essential, and undeniable his feelings for her are. how he really can't live without her... and then finally let go of all doubt, anger, chhap gaya hai dimaag mein mit nahin sakta without needing or asking for any proof. 

this wild situation, bizarre and chaotic, utterly unfair to the one most loved, maybe it actually made the story of love truly powerful.

maybe it had to happen, there had to be some terrible situation for him to realise. and her too... to accept, no matter what, no matter how much he hurt her, how much the nafrat grew, something in it wanted to live, had to live... she loved him, she felt his pain, even if he had done all that he had, and yes, he had been brutal... she still loved him. 

sensitive writing and tremendous understanding of moment and meaning by barun and sanaya, direction looking at an emotion with a steady unflinching gaze, rarely found anywhere, certainly not in a tv serial, and always that element of sound, an editor most keen, adding dimension, not just slapping on background score or effects routinely.

just look at him, terribly perturbed and hurt on her behalf. but he hates her, right? beautiful.

 

chot and its episodes

.......

episode rambles

fan fiction

not cut out for love: chapter 28

khushi sat head bent before devi maiyya. something inside her trembled even now.

why was he so angry with her? and what was it she had felt as he had hauled her to him, his arms unyielding around her even as he shouted and berated her?

khushi closed her eyes remembering the heat of his breath on her face, the fury emanating. she had felt bludgeoned by it, almost physically hit. perhaps when she decided to go to the temple on her own she had meant to rile him a bit for not coming to fetch her, but this level of anger!

khushi looked at devi maiyya and said, "why? why is he like this? and why does it hurt me so much, yet i... i..." her tears started to flow then.

he had said, "you are right, doesn't make a difference, koi faraq nahin padta." how could he say such a thing... and this was not the first time he was saying she meant nothing to him.  even if not the last time, surely this time he knew it would hurt her...

he could be angry, perhaps that was his way... yes, he had his gussa, she knew that. he could shout and scream and even shake her by her shoulders... khushi touched the edge of her shoulder as she thought that and winced, "devi maiyya, though i am saying he can shake me by the shoulders, actually i'd rather he didn't, it really hurts, ouch! what's happening to me? okay i won't say that any more... i know you have given me the answer..."

in a flash, interrupting her train of thought, came the feeling she had felt standing by the fairy lights the previous night.

a surge of warm and mellow things. it poured through her and seemed to soothe away her shock and hurt. it filled her and made her want to melt. like chocolate.

chocolate brown eyes twinkled in her mind.

she loved arnav ji, yes, that was what she felt for him. why she had no idea, she just did. and that seemed to be all that she wanted to feel, even if she... and now her feelings frayed and shuddered, but she went ahead and completed what her mind had started to say.

even if she meant nothing to him... made no difference.

what! what was she saying. winded by her own thoughts she reached for the ber which she had unconsciously put on the table as he dragged her to him.

her heart beats could feel his almost, so close they'd been. khushi shut her eyes tight and popped a ber into her mouth. the salt hit her tongue, then her teeth plunged into the fruit bursting the skin, eager to feel the sting of sudden sharp sourness, and because by now she knew exactly how the sensation went, she searched for the sweetness that came straight after, just under the sour. a perfect sweetness; crisp yet delicate. it was that sweetness she particularly looked for. wasn't always there. only in some seasons.

again she halted her thoughts. what was she thinking of? she was supposed to be angry and upset... and now she was muttering about ber in her head?

really, she was sanka devi... no, she was parmeswari.

and he was rak... a memory of di's gentle hold on her elbow made her pause. what was it his sister had said? arnav ji's amma had killed herself? because his babu ji was... unfaithful?

khushi looked at devi maiyya and couldn't help the tears that began to cloud her vision again.

the ruby on her finger glittered as her hand lay still on her lap. she thought of the kabooter with blood red eyes and sobbed, she thought of crimson frangipani and wanted to wail.

she meant nothing to him, koi faraq nahin padta... but he meant so much, so much to her.

she looked around the room, wondering how long she would be able to bear this thick ache in her. he had been harsh and walked away.

and if it didn't make a difference what were they doing here in this mess? why were they getting married? he had tricked her into agreeing. why? he wouldn't answer. and marriage was not a thing that could be just flung away and stalked off from the moment anger came?

or could it? was that what he would do?

terrible thoughts started buzzing inside her head. confusing and uncontrollable. her breath caught in her throat. she could feel herself sinking and struggling to stay afloat, alive. she looked down at her hands, at the ring.

di had guessed he had chosen it. he had. a lump invaded her throat. should a girl's first love be so difficult? she raised her eyes to devi maiyya and there was a complaint in her gaze. she had offered such fresh gujias for prashad just a while back, thanking her for making her know what she felt. now she wished she had not realised a thing.

she wished she could go right back to hating him.

a note of hope traipsed in.

buaji called her titaliya, butterfly, maybe she was just that and could fly and flit from feeling to feeling. she would show that laad governor. she narrowed her eyes and stared ahead, decidedly unkind thoughts going through her mind.


***



"sir..." aman had called him twice already but asr had not looked up. he sat at his desk, a frown creased his high forehead. his eyes looked glazed as if he were lost in another world.

aman wondered if all was well with the show. he knew asr was tense about it, this year was a crucial one, several new players were aggressive in the market and given the economic woes of the world, buyers did seem to get swayed by lower prices without caring too much about quality, unlike the more robust years in the past.

aman had no doubt his boss would find a way through this. it always fascinated him to see how arnav singh raizada's mind worked. how he faced issues squarely and dealt with them. he looked at asr almost indulgently. thankfully, his boss did not see that.

but today, why was it that aman sensed it was not work that brought that look on asr's face? it seemed like something else...

both men were immersed in their thoughts when the phone rang.

asr started and snatched his phone up from where it lay next to the laptop, and answered without checking who was calling.

"yes!" his voice was terse.

aman was about to signal he was in the room, when he saw the frown lines disappear from his boss's forehead almost magically.

his lips moved a little, then the faintest smile came. had he ever seen asr smile like that before?

but what caught aman off guard really was the sudden glint in the dark brown eyes. a moment ago they were opaque, cold. now there was a lightness in them, they shone.

aman had never seen his boss look like this. he stared. that's when asr glanced up and saw him.

instantly his expression underwent a mercurial change.

"what the f...!" asr said sharply under his breath as he frowned darkly.

before aman could answer, asr looked away. he was listening to what the caller was saying it seemed. a second later with an exasperated shake of his head, he banged the phone down on his desk and stood up.

"aman, whatever it is, we'll talk later," asr rapped out and went quickly toward the door that led into the small office next to his. 

aman shook his head, he was never not a little fazed by his boss's alacrity, the fleetness that was so typically him. and he could have sworn he had seen that smile before.

wasn't it on the day he had wondered about persuading miss gupta to come and work at ar and asr had said "that's taken care of"? yes, that was the day he had flown to lucknow though aman didn't know of any meeting scheduled. definitely, the smile was there that day.


***

he walked briskly into the room and shut the door behind him.

khushi looked up startled. she had been sitting at her desk eating ber it looked like.

"i didn't say that to you..." he said without preamble.

khushi kept quiet, she gazed down at her hands, her lips moved a little, some feeling overwhelming them.

"look at me, khushi, when i talk to you," he rasped out.

she turned resolutely away and stared at her computer.

he swallowed hard. when he had answered the phone and heard her simple, softly said, "haylow!" he had felt his insides quicken. lightness... a quicksilver lightness. he had wanted to hold her just then. and say he didn't mean anything he had said... nothing... he was terribly worried... that was all. he couldn't bear to think of anything happening to her.

he might have said it too, if he could bring himself to handle that lightness.

but then he had seen aman and the expletive had come rushing out.

"it was not you i said that to... it was aman..." he said brusquely.

at that her yes moved swiftly and she was staring at him, had she been crying?

he closed the distance between them and peered down at her.

"were you... were you crying?" he meant to ask that crisply yet his voice went hoarse on the last word.

she continued to stare at him without a word. her heart beat had hastened to a point where she could barely think let alone speak. why was arnav ji giving her explanations? why was he standing so close and was that concern in his eyes?

why? especially since faraq nahin padta. koi faraq nahin padta.

(especially since, doesn't make a difference. doesn't make any difference.)

her heart beat picked up volume and pace. she blinked at him but couldn't really speak. why was nothing about this feeling easy? even though it was he who had been so nasty and rude, she had known he was upset... she didn't like him feeling that way... she never had.

she had wanted to know how he was doing but she didn't want him to think she cared so she did not go to his room right next to hers. yet she had to reach him, had to know, so she had made that call.

he walked around the desk to her side and waved a hand before her face.

"tum theek ho?" he was sounding worried now, "answer me, khushi! are you okay?"

she nodded her head silently. a few moments passed, then she held out the packet of ber to him.

he stared at her hand holding the crumpled chit of paper with a few brown little berries covered in salt and spices on it... what the!

he shook his head and said, "unbelievable!"

the next moment he was gone.


***


asr walked out of the room but could not stop thinking about khushi and her safety. something had to be done about shyam and sooner than he had thought.

things were not under control. yes, he had put shyam under surveillance, but since the attack on lavanya it had become clear to him that shyam was dangerous and if he felt pressured for too long he could act unpredictably... he could do damage.

di... no he could not let di go on living with this man. she could not be with him for six more months. not with a man who had no morals and who would not stop at anything, not even murder.

his stride grew more urgent as thoughts of his sister began to filter through.

how would he keep her safe? and khushi?

he noticed he was standing in front of the office shared by his two young designers. he walked in. it had been a while since he'd taken a look at their work... he needed to think about work now... he had to calm down before he thought of a solution to the problem of shyam.

that needed to be solved with a clear head; he knew right now his emotions were too roiled.

salman was drawing furiously at his work station. kareena was on the floor, several drawings scattered around her, she seemed to be in deep thought.

both of them stopped work... what did the boss want! was everything alright, he usually did not walk into their office like this.

perhaps something urgent?

"please carry on working," asr said, "i just wanted to check in and see how's it going... anyone got a thought on ravenous yet? jean pierre must have mentioned it!"

"food, sleep, chocolate... sex!" said kareena immediately, her head nodding at every word, curls bobbing as she seemed to tick off from a checklist.

asr's left eyebrow shot up.

salman made a wry face. and making sure asr couldn't see him, he shook his head at kareena his hand gesturing a neat slicing off of the neck.

kareena jumped up as soon as she realised what she had said, she could sense the quiet quick tension permeating the room.

"sorry, sir... i was... just doing a free association with the word.. you know... brain.. stor..." she began to peter off, kicking herself mentally for being so impetuous. this was the owner of ar asking a serious question and before shooting her mouth off she might have paused for a second. thought a little.

but now it was too late. she looked sheepish and waited for the scathing put down. asr was not exactly known for his honey tongue; nor his tolerance.

"sex is good!" came the clipped voice. kareena's head shot up, she stared at the man in brown suit with a perfectly matched olive tie... how do you manage to wear brown and green and not look like a tree, her agile mind skimmed the question even as she gaped at the cool response.

"okay, think about it, you two... do keep in mind the prudish censors and yes... taste. good taste... ar is all about that," he gave a brief, tight smile and left the room.

kareena almost collapsed. she was sure she had to find a way to never leave this and be plunged into the grey world of management. brown and green and red and pink and blue swirled in her head... ravenous had to be delineated through sex but with taste.

salman whispered, "you're nuts, kareena... but you're good!"

they hi fived like the young twenty somethings they were. neither thought it strange that it was impossible to imagine their twenty something boss... hi fiving.


***

khushi was trying hard to concentrate on the figures on her computer screen, akash ji had left her with some number crunching charts and graphs... though babu ji always said her sense of math was perfect and she really liked calculating things for his mithai shop... but today, her mind was on anything but those squiggles on the screen.

when he said, "unbelievable!" like that and looked her up and down, she felt her heart flip and her head go flying. she was still trying to settle her various shaken bits and it was almost an hour since he had left. really, khushi kumari gupta, if this is your state now, how will you handle things after four days... once you are...

her heart plunged to her toes...

married!

she was going to be married in four days. the meaning of that statement seemed to finally hit her.

what was wrong with her? how had she agreed to this completely bizarre idea. and actually let herself be tricked into it too...

ridiculous.

no! she would not marry him.

yes! she did... l...l...like him.. but no, she was not going to let him force her into this marriage.

she thought she felt someone looking at her.

she turned and there was devi maiyya, sitting quietly on the desk.

"are you looking at me?" she asked aloud, "yes, you are! and why are you smiling... this is not right, devi maiyya, i am in such a difficult situation and you...! jaiyye, hum aap se baat nahin karenge!"

(go, i won't talk to you!)

the phone rang, she answered with a distracted, "haylow!"

it was bua ji. "arri o titaliya, phool gobi ke samose bahut swaadist banai hai tohar amma, aoor oo methi chutniya bhi... when you come back this evening with arnav bitwa, tell him to have some tea and samosa with us... theek hayeen?" said her aunt.

(hey butterfly, your mother has made really tasty cauliflower samosas, also the methi chutney... when you come back this evening with arnav bitwa, tell him to have some tea and samosa with us... okay?)

"not tea, bua ji... he drinks only coffee... that too black... without even a chutki of sugar," khushi sounded quite irritated.

(without even a pinch of sugar.)

"sanka devi, now what's eating at you? why can't you ever be calm and placid... see, like me? hain? why?" bua ji sounded concerned, she was ecstatic for both her nieces. her aunt's instinct told her that the "boys" were absolute gems... yes, one was a bit abrupt and felt too angrez but he was so romantic... imagine sending a plane to pick up her titaliya.

bua ji sighed. she wouldn't admit it to anyone but while both the young men were good and deserving of her nieces, arnav singh raizada felt like a specially exciting man to her... she knew her parmeswari would have a fantastic life with him, a thought that made her very happy indeed. the little orphan girl who had walked into her life all those years ago, large innocent eyes and a funny wide smile... madhumati knew she would never have a child by then... maybe the little girl had become her daughter, without anyone ever quite realising it.

but suddenly now, now as her matrimony approached and the strains of bidaai were already in the air... only four more days and then it was time to let her go... bua ji felt pangs which were no less than a mother's.

she swallowed hard, the chain with the om locket cut into the folds of her neck, she  said, "parmeswari, haldi ke bakhat, tum hamari laal lehenga peheniyo, theek hayeen?" and swung her long plait over the shoulder with a swish, trying to grapple with her emotions.

(supreme goddess, during the turmeric ceremony, you wear my red lehenga, okay?)

khushi almost bawled at the mention of her haldi. she was not going to marry that horrible man. and haldi in bua ji's lehenga?!! khushi wanted to weep copiously... a girl had only one haldi and hers would be in bua ji's huge lehenga.

she mumbled a "yes" and disconnected the line.

the phone rang again, must be bua ji she grumbled to herself and answered the call with a resigned air all set to hear about the marriage she was definitely not going to go through with.

"haylow, buaji?-" she started but a smooth svelte voice cut her off.

"khushi kumari gupta," the caller said, it was a lady, "remember... if you marry arnav singh raizada, there will be consequences..." khushi gasped audibly.

"... we shall ruin his show... and in case you think that is a minor blow... remember also, one failure this year and it would take years for your..." the speaker paused, clearly for effect, and then continued, "fiance's company to get back in business again... have a good day, ciao darling," the woman spoke at an even pace with utter confidence; a little cool laughter toward the end and the phone went dead. 

just then the door opened and asr walked in. khushi was startled, worn out, shocked by that last call, she blurted out the first thing that popped into her head,

"samosa... bua ji wants you to eat cauliflower samosa..."

he walked across to her, his gaze never leaving her face... her mind went blank, all she could think was, why were his eyes so glittery and like warm chocolate suddenly? why was he not angry or sarcastic or nasty...

he came up to her desk and stood opposite her, a hint of amusement in the irises now.

then he put both his hands on the desk and leaned over, bending down, when he was almost at eye level with her, he murmured, "khushi kumari gupta, do you ever think of anything other than food?"

she would have perhaps answered him, but his lips had caught hold of hers by then, he had started kissing her right there in her office, bending across her desk.

khushi blushed and wondered why her lips were pressing against his so hungrily. yes, please kiss me, her mind seemed to scream.

she realised she had missed him doing just that this morning, she reached up and slipped her arms around his neck, pulling him down.

"whoa!" he seemed to be laughing, "you've missed me, haven't you?" he was biting her lips playfully.

"come!" he said and pulled her up, drawing her around her desk till she stood before him, breathless and unresisting, her eyes gazing over his features... the dark dark eyebrows, the sharp widow's peak, the chiseled, fine lips, the lower one thicker, fuller and thrusting forward a bit, her eyes felt drowsy with craving. she reached up and kissed the right corner of his lips where it pulled down a little, an asymmetrical tug to it. something seemed to erupt in him.

"khushi, dammit!" he said softly and started to kiss her again. his arms looped around her hips and pulled her against him, he was leaning against her desk, she could feel her thighs pressing against his as she fell forward. she didn't demur or stop. she wanted to be near him... she wanted...

he crushed her to him and all thought ended. his lips left a trail of feather light kisses across her face. they moved to her throat, her collar bones, he kissed his way up her neck to her eyelids. she murmured incoherently and turned her head, kissing him wherever her lips landed... she wanted arnav ji to be with her hamesha and love her like this.

hamesha... love??!

khushi went still.

what was she thinking? he didn't love her.

"um hmm, not a smart move, there will be consequences," he said sounding amused though she could hear he was breathless and not really in control. he started to kiss her hard on her lips. but she drew away sharply. consequences... yes, that is what that lady had said. they would wreck his show, his company would suffer... if she married him. khushi almost stopped breathing.

"what's the matter, khushi?" he asked, still nuzzling her neck.

she pushed his shoulders trying to move away, "i can't... no... i won't marry you," she said in a tense small voice.

"really?" he was rubbing his lips along her long, fine alluring collar bone, nipping her, pecking her once in a way.

khushi could feel her body respond and strain against him.

"so miss khushi kumari gupta, do you usually behave like this with men you ... won't marry?" he was openly laughing now and gathering her even closer.

he had lifted his head to look at her reaction.

she found herself gazing directly into melting chocolate brown eyes, shining with laughter.

and with a long shivery sob, she burst into tears.

index

chapter 29




 



 

episode 189 take a decision

"akash, tumhari shadi hai, kisska wait kar rahe ho, bhai?" the exuberant voice of nk starts the episode. akash, it's your wedding, who are you waiting for, bro? he is in white and looking an absolute dish.

"bhai kahan hai, main bhai ke bina yeh jaimala..." the quiet, slightly perturbed akash... where's bhai, without him i won't exchange garlands.

bhai... bhai... is it a mere coincidence that in bombay hindi, that is the word for don.

and bhai enters. brown suit. slicked back hair. black fire in eyes. grim, dark, concentrated.

khushi watches, beautiful in her deep dark blood red with an edging of blue. a strange uncanny worry in her eyes. a sixth sense maybe? she could feel his rhythms and he hers. 

contrast this with all the happiness and joy and loud fun and revelry of a wedding. lots of jewellery, gold encrusted sarees, glittering smiles, makeupiya without touchupiya and ceremony and colour and custom and a sense of order.

while chaos brews on the side.

and i am thinking "the godfather" opening scene. that was a classic... a whole way of life and many facets of the story were told through a magnificent wedding sequence... at times out there in the festive lawn, at times in the dark, intimate, concentrated room of don corleone, of course there was sonny providing a bit of macho entertainment...

when i see 189, i think of all that. in fact, the whole way the marriage was used to take us into the heart of deceit, destruction, desperate love and deathly conflict, of man fighting fate, of a herculean push to preserve that would destroy... the way it took us to the core of character... each player's almost... the godfather had to come to my mind.

and on the scenes when he stood at the poolside with her, dark and saturnine, minimum movement of facial muscles, flat, compelling voice... again the godfather... the lighting, the tense tone of visual and sound, the suffocation... her imploring eyes, and slowly a realisation dawning, no way out. while just on the other side the wedding colours and sound. two spaces, one dark, one light, in both a crazy story unfolding. and only two are aware of it... a third gleans the tremors but knows not what is afoot.

but first the current of life... as all move forward, he comes in suddenly from the back, a decision has been made, he walks alongside her for a few steps, unnerving her with his look, his gait, then at one point he holds her hand... 

never will he let it go... on the day of his brother's wedding a promise will be made that will not be broken... i was watching the opening scenes of the godfather and echoes from here were somehow there...

he grabs her hand and turns her taking her against the flow, against the flow of life it seemed... the zigzag lines, the cross currents... a feeling of being swept away, gone, thrown into a whirlpool maybe.

the godfather was really fine cinema, of course, our serial may never reach that level, but in my heart it does, at this time, throughout the wedding. especially in its emotion and sense of drama... and that growing suffocation, the curious sanctity of certain things amid the turmoil and shatter.

he had reminded me a lot of michael corleone in the opening scenes of the show... the way he sat, the dead look in his eyes. there was that dark, no explanations given, no excuses made, don quality to this man.

classically, most of what he says to her is hidden from us. yet, just watching the first time, and even if one had no idea about the forced wedding (by now possibly already revealed by the promos), one would get a sense of calamity... of impending doom... and surprisingly of a beauty that will rend and tear and make us quake from within...

"arnav ji hume kahan le ja rahe hain, hamara haath chhoriye, aap humey chot pahuncha rahe hain..." why have you brought me here, leave my hand, you're hurting me... her first lines to him, tears gathered in eyes, a confused girl completely taken aback by this harsh behaviour, the hint of darkness everywhere.

he lets go of her hand flinging her away from him.

"aap... aap hume yahan kyon lekar aaye?" why have you brought me here.

"main batata hoon kyon..." i'll tell you. again that concentration, as though he is not quite himself... only one aspect of him has come and taken over. like an athlete about to start the race... the whole world falls away, he is only one single identity then... athlete.

here, he is perhaps just one single aspect of him too... brother. protective, unyielding, ready to kill.

maybe this is the only side of him he can stay more or less sane around right now. for to feel the lover in him is perhaps to just go utterly insane. or maybe perish. there is a fragile side to this man, an achilles heel, get him there and he is powerless. the girl of his dhadkan, can he really be nonchalant about her, can he really withstand the "reality" of her loving another man? it is better to turn to duty... to action... to fight back... to prevail. these are the things that have helped him survive before.

"tumhari behen payal ki shadi tab tak nahin hogi, jab tak tum meri baat maan nahin leti..." straight to the point, your sister will not get married till you have agreed to do as i say.

an offer is about to be made which can't be refused.

(interestingly, in the godfather, during the wedding it is michael who says this memorable line while explaining things to kay.)

till he reaches the mandap, akash won't marry. he makes the scenario clear to her in a few succinct words.

cut to wedding, and a couple understand each other's problem, both deciding to wait till their siblings return. and a villain can sense danger, he is uncomfortable.

back to the poolside and stories are told through eyes, and stance...

"jaldi faisla kar lo..." decide quickly.

does she have a choice? maybe she does... but he is in no mood to let her think so... arnav singh raizada in absolute don mode is out to get what he wants, he will solve the problem... that is all. that is paramount.

and then we hear nothing...

till... "hai re nand kissore, oo dekho," buaji breaks into a relieved exclamation, and they both return.

from now on, we will see a constant play of looks, gazes, glances... a cold determination in one, bruised broken heart and pitiable helplessness in another, questions in a third perhaps a premonition, and much happiness and laughter and wedding time emotions in others... a little mano meanness to spice it all up.

the music suddenly adds a more extended and fuller version of that violin cry we had heard when khushi got engaged to shyam.. a gnawing pain in it puts the heart on edge.

as smiles go around.

very cinematic... and reminding me of the most spectacular wedding sequence i have seen in the movies.

"bhai, sab theek hai?" is all well asks akash of his very terse looking brother.

"yeah... sab theek hai..." that is what he's working on, he seems to say, to make everything "theek".

at a wedding one night his world had gone to pieces... he had not been able to do a thing... maybe that is why he promised himself he would make everything okay for his beloved sister and gone out there to battle whatever needed to be battled. this time he is hellbent on making sure nothing goes wrong with his fam, especially his di...

and he takes a decision that is laced with extreme emotion however much he may think it comes from the head... and despite the fact that he loves a woman who is part of his heartbeat, he will be unfair... no matter what he will know that always and so will i.

this emotional content to me was ecstatically ipk, absolute asr.

i am told this marriage was worked in under duress. well whatever it was, there was a bated beauty in it, a fire that glowed deep in the story, keeping you awestruck, still, and breathless... like the love he felt for her.

this decision would change everything... she will have to take the offer but it will take them both down ways they had never imagined.

in one quick shot they'd be flung very far from the young and happy days of flirting he had just started... instead of going along with the current, they would whirl away into wild turbulent waters, the abyss pulling them in sometimes, the force of the waters tossing and churning them...

khushi struggles to seem normal and happy, the wedding ceremony commences, everyone does their duty, even the bride and the bride groom no one knows of...

duty is what keeps both going.

a thaal of shagun is picked up and passed, hands join, as they have many times before... at different points of a mohabbat that came out of nowhere and grew to where no one knew and now it moves into nafrat... 

shyam has guessed something is going on. everyone else is oblivious. despite the look on khushi's face... maybe in that situation, people don't notice things.

the wedding is done...

a mehhh break with mano and lakshmi...

but soon enough... khushi is not going to follow everyone to the next venue. as the monkey said in the lion king, "it is time".

she goes taking the first step, he follows. whither thou goest, i am thinking, from ruth, i found it in a mills and boon when i was 13/14.

shaym tries to follow, but again anjali is at hand stopping him. where would asr khushi be without their sisters' knowing and unknowing contribution to their relationship. tonight they will both marry for the sake of the two siblings.

he overtakes her, goes stands at the door, holding it open, his face impassive. she slowly walks out, helpless and not even knowing why this had to happen.

a sense of that's it.

and payal enters the raizada home on a ritually proper grihapravesh, lifting up in arms included.

i am thinking i need to go back and see the godfather again. i have bought the music from the apple store and right now speak softly love plays on what is it, a mandolin?

love speaks very very softly, doesn't it... bas karni hai... jaldi faisla kar lo... shadi karni hai, chhay mahine ke liye... main hamesha hamehsa tumse...

oh and i might be falling in love with nk. ab aapka kya hoga, asr?

"there are things that have to be done and you do them and you never talk about them. you don't try to justify them. they can't be justified. you just do them. then you forget it."
~~~ mario puzo, the godfather ~~~

the shadi karni hogi episodes

.........

episode rambles 
fan fiction