that morning after

that morning there was anger in him and perhaps a hint of guilt too. perhaps he sought the comfort of his plants, their calming effect. he was a gardener deep down, he wanted to create, see things grow, blossom, it perhaps soothed him in unspoken ways too. it was perhaps also a way to shut the bedard duniya out.

but this morning, it wouldn't shut out a voice. a voice that accused him. a voice that insulted him with that bhad mein jaaye. a voice that questioned his very character. a voice that did something to him that he couldn't quite understand. and his character... so precious to him... to be sahi... to not be galat... like his father. in fact, his dimaag and dil have whispered to him before that what he's doing with this girl may not be right... in the suv, after the rain, in the rain... kyun, kyun mujhe aisa lag raha hai...

he who had sworn never to let kissi ladki make any faraq... because a woman, an illicit romantic relationship perhaps, had ruined their lives... now this ladki was so much on his mind. i think he genuinely was uncomfortable with that. in fact, had kkg not run after him in the mazar, he would have walked away. if she hadn't landed up in his office and insisted on working, he'd have been fine. he was comfortable where he was, his safe zone. now this knocking on the gates of his domain, his fort.

the voice connected him to an anger that had possibly become part of him. it triggered fury. just as there was extreme tenderness in him, there was a proclivity for violence. did it take root on that night he saw his mother die and all because of his father's misdemeanour? so much of asr is in that echoing maa.

when he lost his cool, he catapulted to violence often. that snapping of the pearl string on their first meeting. she mentioned his sister, he lost control. this out of proportion anger, that made him lose his senses was always there. on the night of a wedding, on a terrace, he would again lose all control over his feelings and commit an act of violence almost by yoking the one his heart ached for to him but in the most painful and traumatic way.

today, he was at the beginning of this yearning. it was still not clear to him what it was... why her words mattered. why he couldn't stop thinking of her. and how dare she insult him. he had to do something. and do it now. her tirade had left him speechless. she had railed at him. he had tried to say something, but she wouldn't let him speak... he had been struck deep by her words, he could only express that feeling through anger perhaps. all that pent up anger was bursting forth now. had she been around, the brunt of his anger would be borne by her. but she wasn't, he reached out for something precious and flung it down. all his tenderness and violence mixed in that act? we see the gussa. we don't sense the tenderness... he needs to apologise to the girl he almost harmed irreparably becasue he was angry with her... t his sister knows him well, she knows what hdes underneath that anger.

asr was an upright human being. he'd never knowingly have sent khushi to a dangerous place. that was bothering him. her believing that he was a man with no conscience was bothering him. her tirade and insults were something he never would take from anyone, that was bothering him. the girl was too much on his mind, that was bothering him. he reached out and expressed his anger. without words. with just a violent act.

why did i hear that jagged sharp maa in it as i thought about it now? just like that moment in his life, from normal to chaos... was this a leitmotif in his life?

and did the anger of guesthouse and the resignation also make him note there was a similarity in him and this girl from out of the blue... did he hear echoes of his gussa in hers? again di pointed out there was something that was alike in both... she didn't say the rest, that in everything else they were poles apart.

but it wasn't just their gussa, it was their tenderness too, that was alike and sweet as h. just look at the way he's taking care of his plants. wonderful direction, taking it from that sweetness to that chaos. the play of contrasts. and who could do it more brilliantly than one asr.

episode 34 i am not okay

g.u.e.s.t.h.o.u.s.e.  e.p.i.s.o.d.e.s

................

episode rambles

fan fiction

a sense of asr

while the end sequence with asr in black dazzled and turned my brain to mush, this sequence, this moment, the quiet ponder in the dark, in the seclusion of his room, a room feeling curiously bereft, asr realising, connecting, feeling, assessing, planning and particularly this shot, was beautiful, played in me.


this is asr as he is. no mask, no public face. just who he is.


sort of reminded me of the man standing in the rain talking to himself in episode 24. sahi and galat he had pondered vis a vis this girl and sworn arnav singh raizada ko kissi ladki se koi faraq nahin padta. then he'd encountered faraq and done several things vis a vis that... some sahi, some galat... and today he faces that squarely... but this time he knows he is bidding for much more than right and wrong, he is prizing hamesha out of the grip of twelve days and an end.

 


episode 306 no shayad about it

episode 24 rain talk 

.........................

huq hai tumhara mujhe pe episodes

episode rambles

fanfiction

of love, life, and fear

hi rhea,

thanks so much.

people fear... okay, today i am in that funny mood and shall say what often bothers me about people... and i speak of the collective, because behaving in a crazy mass sort of way seems to be our wont and we do everything we can to avoid individuality, standing out, being what our inner self may call us to be.

so we fear.

especially heady mad love... because it calls us to be a little crazy, it may or may not give us what we want, it may fail. and we are forever processing everything from the point of view of outcome, results, whatever.

it is easier to chase money, because we instinctively feel money cannot hurt us, we have control over it. and money will therefore make us happy.

but love?

yet i really think, if anything will ultimately make you feel life, be alive, go the trip your limited life span on earth will be, then it must be that complete sort of feeling you develop for another being. a real being, who will not be all you want them to be, who will bother the heck out of you, make you plunge in and find things about yourself you didn't even know and raise yoy to giddy heights of joy within. fall in love with all you have in you and really it will lead you where and beyond you never know.

the journey will not be easy. that is pretty mandatory.

but really, the courageous will find immense wealth and inconceivable happiness.

mills and boon, for whatever reason, hinted at that. all  the time. it said: be giddy, go for head over heels, fall, let go...

it called out to me as i grew up... 12 to 17, i must have read a millie boonie a day, often skipping, hitting page 57 for kiss one, rushing to the end for the pull drag dhakdhak scene. innocent happy silly stuff, but a purity in it. some will call it stupidity.

okay, give it to them... stupidity. but pure.

that purity appeals. it's like gold. it's like asr. it's like that essential molten feeling between asr and khushi.

if you believe that can exist, it does. if not... not.

we create our realities, i believe that like asr.

just because a thing doesn't fit our highly limited rational examination, does not mean it isn't there...

think god, you'll know what i mean.

i love ipk unashamedly unabashedly completely. even when i want to scream and slap someone.

i have seen and gone a bit nuts over enough handsome men in my life, they didn't get me to watch a serial (not even "mad men" has done it... maybe because i am ready to look at the pure and don't need constant nuancing by what we term "reality"... i felt terrible when i heard betty had cancer... how we fear, how much we fear to want something truly), nothing got me writing this frantically, not even my honours course in literature, not my work as copywriter. this feeling that i must write.

it was this romance, this love which said to h with fear and which got told by two actors who have such vibe that even dubbing doesn't diminish their pull... that got me here.

i used to watch in the middle of the night and often hear myself thinking: this will save the planet more than many pompous sounding do gooding stuff... and such a joy to see love and romance and its nature its storm and thunder brought back centre stage. i do believe people who love deeply and freely and experience all of it or are ready to, take better decisions in many things, because they are more "whole" in a way... okay this is a hypothesis, based on no real rigorous experimentation data gathering and inference... just a strong feeling.

when russian sounding names are among the first to hit like on an episode take or egyptian girls or someone else watching ipk now and very often minus the sounds of asr and kkg and are still falling apart, i just feel the power of this love story... and this astounding chemistry again. and so enjoy it.

may not surprise you to hear that most of my friends, people in their fifties and forties, avoid the topic, look at me with a trace of not too well concealed pity in their eyes if i mention the show or barun, i am sure they think i am fairly stupid. i am. i have no problem being stupid.

but i must write, i must...

so yeah, let whoever wants to laugh at m and b or disney type romance and reach for their "realistic" tempered and pruned pyaar do so... me leaping in with hair pin and taking the air out of my own inflated sense of intelligence, so it doesn't stop me from getting stuck and being silly... ohhh is that asr coming to help me fix things. 


 
also...

two of my favourite men, asr and mr lee kuan yew have pondered the issue of power and how essential it is if you want to achieve something. i believe that. there are different kinds of places you look within yourself and delve for that power and establish it before the world.

khushi also believed in power, the power of her beliefs, her feelings and she also exceeded limits when she felt something needed to be done. i find it absolutely wrong to assume, asr's basic way of approaching life was full of holes and we needed the beautiful lovely kkg to come and remodel him. they were who they were, mix of the several things that make us, in themselves and they were in many ways alike, asr recognised certain things for what they were and said so. their story to me is more about an extra rational pretty impossible to define connection that two strangers begin to feel... and then you find they really seem to need each other, they each have a "key" that the other is unlocked with... as if each had been sent by life to the other to complete a story. doesn't mean either person changes and becomes someone else, just that they begin to be free... open up... evolve their own way, be more... reach... and yes, feel the sense of happiness deep within.

i hope asr is being brusque and unreasonable somewhere while looking incredibly sexy and kkgsr is planning her next crazy move to bother him... i hope he is being awfully arrogant with buyers and suppliers and winning like mad in business, i hope he is smiling a little condescendingly at kkgsr as she speaks of her sort of stuff but accepting that tika from her anyway... i hope she is making him his sugar free jalebi... and he is teaching her some jalebi making every night.

we need our fairy tales to reach out and grab love in life. all these millions of books on business and "serious matters", hehe just fairy tales of another kind, only those are about grabbing something else.

i shall not apologise for the length and incoherence of this jawab.

......................

feeling arnav ji feeling episodes

episode rambles

fanfiction

a deal and its maker

everything will go the way arnav singh raizada wants it to go. when i met him first, he'd come to make a deal, and he'd made sure "sab kuch" had gone the way he'd planned it... there was a game in that deal too. one worked out ruthlessly by his dimaag. 

after a long time a sense of that deal making, that game, and that rampant desire to win again... this time it's all coming from his dil, his dimaag is still as sharp and focused on the prize, but now there's a smile in it, albeit a devilish one.

why did this episode's asr remind me so much of the asr of 6 june? like he'd come back, only now having met love... love that was determined that its aim, its nishana, wouldn't miss. an almost defeated "shayad" asr walked out... was that what triggered in him a return to who he essentially was? unfamiliar surely that feeling of not being in command of a situation. even during kidnap, he had to be the one in charge, no matter that he was bound, gagged, being beaten. but here she almost had him beaten... what ailed her? why couldn't he reach her... yet the moment he realised what it was, it was as though asr receded and waiting in him surged right back. 

thrilling to watch him ever since he shut that door behind him in his room, thought about things and then donned black to take on his girl... and no doubt it excited him to see her in red, the girl he'd felt funny things for when she'd worn that colour and he'd heard something in the air, felt something in his gut... 

......................

huq hai tumhara mujhe pe episodes

episode rambles

fanfiction

episode 64 raging waters

"my soul is full of longing
for the secret of the sea,
and the heart of the great ocean
sends a thrilling pulse through me."
~~~ h w longfellow ~~~

di, yeh yahan kya kar rahi hai!

how the ocean roared today. it lashed out repeatedly, breaking its fury upon its shore. lacerating it, whipping it, punishing it for being there, for mattering, for beginning to enter its inner space, its protected inner waters. go away, get out, never ever come near again. but what's an ocean without its shore. what's a shore without its ocean.

as the ocean churned, nafrat came out first, loads of hate, fear, ugliness, terrible feelings, ones that shook up everyone all around, poisoned the whole environment with its touch. reminded me of the samudra manthan many indian kids grow up hearing of. when the demigods and demons churned the oceans and so much came out of it. lethal, horrid things at first, but finally amrita, the nectar of immortality. could that have been love?

asr is not called arnav, ocean, for nothing.

and today we saw its terrible face. yet it was a part of him, in its own way it had a certain terrifying beauty. there was no game, no twist, nothing unclean in his anger, it was as pristine as he is, came straight from his fear of that thing called love, and expressed itself without chhal or kapat, trick or wiliness. it was what it was.

and once expressed, it brought his infuriated mind back to earth. almost. his anger was part of his nature, made him him. shiva, who was supposed to be the ultimate husband, was not known only for his "goodness." complex character he, lots of anger there too. the expressed sort, in fact he is remembered often in nataraja form, while performing the cosmic dance of destruction that will allow the recreation of the universe. a very deep character conception indeed.

in a funny sort of way as asr's voice hit an all new pitch, as though he was losing control, his very insides unhinging, storm tossed, a note of hysteria in it i could have sworn, i felt his voice rise, and circle wildly in a dance itself, a dance that would wreak havoc.

"matlab? yahan kyun? di, mujhe iss ladki ki shakal bhi nahin dekhni hai... kabhi resignation dene ke liye... kabhi party mein mithai dene ke bahane... pata nahin kaun kaun se bahane karkar yahan aati rahi hai.. aur aaj aap isse yahan lekar aayin hai," voice rising, a falling apart in it. i don't want to see her face, she makes strange excuses to come to my home... you may be taken in by her, but not me...

"main isska asli chehra dekh chuka hoon." i have seen her true face.

 
she is flummoxed.

"aisi ladki jo paison ke liye kuch bhi kar sakti hai..." she can do anything for money.

everyone shocked. she's stricken at this insult. "khushi kumari gupta... kitni bhi koshish karlo main tumhe apne iraadon mein kamyab nahin hone doonga." try what you like, khushi kumari gupta, i won't let you succeed in your intentions. what intentions? who is this gold digger he knows, that comes up in innuendo again and again? obviously, she was there in his past... in sheesh mahal, the house of mirrors where all the mirrors shattered one day and dreams lay scattered... bikhra... like the pearls on a string snapping. (their first meeting  came to mind.) he was relentless, that woman had to be punished, and so the blame fell on a surrogate head.

an innocent head with only hope and clarity in the eyes. she who had returned for her family's sake, requested by his sister to come back and bring peace back to his house was now being told she was after money. yes, she was a deal maker... but all she wanted was the good of those she loved. that, the only profit she played for.

yet, i am glad asr let his anger out. otherwise it would have further confused his emotions. i accept him with all his sides, the good, the nasty, the slappable. unwittingly his di said a pertinent thing, "pad gayi dil mein thandak?" has your heart been cooled? yes, a certain cool will reach his heart, once the heat is out. to create we destroy... to find nectar we first rid the oceans of poison... to feel pyaar we must be prepared to know nafrat. this love's path is through the nafrat. actually, nafrat door jaane na de... the hate also doesn't let you go away, it ties you. and at last it is out there, openly.
  
her tears shine at the edge of release, glistening, catching light.

"iss ghar mein tumhe apni jagah nahin banane doonga." i won't let you make a place in my home... but it is elsewhere that she makes it...

"ab bas karo"... it's enough.

he is sounding less and less in control. spiraling emotion.

chhotey, listen to me.

no, di. heard enough.

chhotey, ek minute.

"ek minute bhi nahin, nani... iss ladki ke liye main ek minute bhi compromise nahin karoonga...jis ladki ne meri insult ki hai... meri baat katne ki himmat ki hai aur mujhe ulta jawab diya hai, woh aaj mere samne mere hi ghar mein khadi hai." what he didn't mention was the real problem. she has dared to enter a place that is sacrosanct. his dimaag... his mind. she sits there, he has been trying for days to overcome her power there. recently, "uss ladki ke baare mein sochna band karo," be a man, forget her. before that, when it first hit him, the pondering in the rain... am i wrong? no, main sahi hoon. later, a little lost, "yeh kya ho raha hain mujhe..." he must stop her. the ocean must tell the shore to recede... go away. and so just like he has said once before to her, only that time it was his office, now from his home...

"nikal jao mere ghar se.

get ouuut."

as he watches her furious, a tear rolls down her cheek. something begins to change in his gaze.

she leaves. unbearably hurt. even the air around seems to have ceased to breathe.

he stands there looking a bit disoriented, almost sad.

anjali is mad at him. happy now? itna gussa, chhotey?

you've done wrong not by khushi, you did wrong by me... you have thrown her out, you will bring her back.

"main kahin nahin jaaonga, di! woh ladki mujhe iss ghar mein nahin chahiye, and that's final. yeh MERA ghar hai! this is my house." i am not going anywhere and she isn't coming back here. this is MY house.

the dance of destruction peaks. stops. and with anjali's turning away, the first steps toward creation are taken. she walks away, stumbles, falls... di! di!... he rushes to pick her up, but she won't be in his world any more.

he has hurt his sister, kills him more, it does. again he has taken the pot and thrown, destroyed the rose to punish the thorn. two roses this time. arnav singh raizada ka nishana kabhi nahin choogta. asr never misses his mark.

di, darwaza kholo... di, darwaza kholo, please. you know i didn't mean that. di, enough di, please darwaza kholo. please open the door, di, i didn't mean it. nani ji admonishes him. intense his gaze. so much in those dark, clean eyes.

"kal raksha bandhan hai." tomorrow is raksha bandhan.

he's struck. he struggles... hint of sadness and shame on his face. then a disengaging, a slight tightening of jaw...he turns and walks away... asr music.

khushi is taking off her jewellery and throwing them down on the dressing table. she throws her dupatta. she has found a substitute to take her anger out on too. and angry she is. like him, has her temper. just that it isn't an "issue" as it seems to be with him. payal is all concern. and indignant. how could he behave like that. let's go back to lucknow. but before that can happen, another phone call from amma. babu ji is losing his health worrying about the shop.

"hum khushi hain," she says typically taking over the phone from payal, taking over the responsibility of her family always... and then, "hume poora yakin hai ki iss andhere ke baad devi maiya ki jyot ki roshni zaroor aaygi..."

i am convinced after this darkness, dm's flame will surely bring light.

and the bell rings.

  
he is here.

with an offer. music raises pace and scale, reflecting the turbulence. he can't leave her well alone, he raged in earlier, threw her out, raced toward his sister... then back again, now to her. waters ebbing, flowing, now rushing away, now hurtling back in... a shoreline really emerging through it all.

"hai re nand kissore... aur phir maafi..." has he come to apologise, oh g, wonders bua ji.

"arnav singh raizada kabhi kissise mafi nahin mangta..." asr never asks for forgiveness from anyone, terse interruption.

"main yahan sirf tumhe wapas bulane ke liye aaya hoon..." he has come to call her back for di. many months later he will say "wapas aa jao... mere paas... mere saath," in one of the finest episodes of ipk, august 1 2012, come back with me, episode 310... that time only for himself will he ask. tonight his mind won't let him see that. the poison must be drained first. in fact, the beauty and the beast is another tale that comes to mind again and again. only beauty could see the beauty of her beast. does she see it now? as she stares dumbfounded while he slaps wads of notes down, insulting her further? maybe not consciously... but she is so in tune with her heart, i get the feeling it tells her things that she will turn pages and look at later. for now, not a word from her.

her rakshas is back.. interestingly, change one letter and it becomes rakshak. demon... protector.

the one eye of horus that arshi writes of. the one eye we've seen before... the night of the rain hug, when he gets down from his car... much later, during the escape from kidnappers, right here. also her one eye during ankh micholi mahaepisode. is this all by chance? or are the director, the writer, playing with the theme of protection and protector all along? whatever it is, it gives thought.

"kaafi hai? ya aur rakh doon?" enough? or should i keep more?

one more wad.

"pehle se double hai." it's doubled now.

the insult scorches her skin, she clenches her fist but keeps quiet. "bikhar raha hai" everything is scattering... amma had said, she will not let her family's dreams scatter.

"kal subhe main tumhara intezaar karoonga. aur jaanta hoon ki tum aogi." i'll wait for you tomorrow morning... i know you'll come.

payal barges in, no she won't! tell him we're leaving for lucknow...

khushi stands silent. she can only hear her amma's voice in her head. her dad is falling sick worrying about money, tears in amma's voice. tears in khushi's eyes. two wads of notes. and a bagful of insults.

"what are heavy? sea-sand and sorrow.
what are brief? today and tomorrow.
what are frail? spring blossoms and youth.
what are deep? the ocean and truth."
~~~ christina rosetti ~~~

 
yes shyam did enter the episode. and since i couldn't yell get ouuut!!! at him, had to tolerate him. he is perhaps the most interesting foil character i've ever scene. asr raves rants screams shouts says awful things but is surf ultra clean. shyam always speaks gentle and sweet (sorry i can only hear the hisss) yet all the detergents of unilever, p&g, nirma combined will not be able to clean this stench, this cretin, oh oh oh.



......................
 
caps of 64... get out

caps of 64... see you tomorrow

......................

e.p.i.s.o.d.e.s of dil
episode rambles

fanfiction

character is it

a lot of thought i think was given to conveying the complex thinking mind and emotional content of asr. glass was a great choice, so was water, in the visual portrayal.
 
i studied literature in college. we had to do deep lengthy studies of characters of course. those considered large and with great relevance. even the smaller not so huge ones. i rarely enjoyed these, in fact, studying was never exciting... i did not like writing the reams i was expected to write. something never really touched me as much. maybe studying greek tragedy would have done something. i did feel much for macbeth and othello but really, i was not happy to write and write about them.

look at me now.

when i watch asr and feel a million things in me, hard to always rationally list... i just know there is a character here worth pondering and writing lengthy essays on. he has fascinating contours and fill, some are archetype sorts, some very unique, many absolutely beautiful, some not so nice... complex and big, he strides through 398 episodes leaving one quaking (or sighing and falling flat on one's face) even when the character has been played with.

pity, literature students won't study a contemporary hero called arnav singh raizada.

 
n i s h a n a   e p i s o d e s

.........

episode rambles

fan fiction

my musings on asr

what made him exciting and precious was not his tortured past and the jagged edges thanks to it. there are many characters in all sorts of literature and arts who have the appeal of the cut and torn. heathcliff. othello. my little obsession, don draper. oh there are many and all of us i'm sure have a favourite or two.

what made asr beautiful to me, was the way he dealt with his share of rain, his terrible difficulties at a very young age. he faced it, fair and square. he never ran away into fantasy or try to make it better with stories and platitudes. it is true, people say they can understand what you feel, but no one can ever feel the emotions you go through when you cremate both your parents, touching them with the fire that will annihilate, end it all.

his entire sense of trust was badly shaken. his father had betrayed his mother, him and his sister too. the father is a place of trust, respect, solidity. none of that for this boy of fourteen. gone in a moment.

along with it, his haven of love, shelter, growth: his mother.

how terrible that his mother had killed herself because of his father's actions. his beloved mother who tried to teach her taciturn, angry, little chhotey the meaning of life, the value of conscience, of examining things, of giving the rose a chance.

he could have easily become incredibly bitter, harsh, cold; and rich and materially successful, while being drop dead good looking. oh yes, even that would have made him an exciting man, especially watching a woman break through layers of this darkness to matter like mad would be delicious.

but asr went much further than that. he did it his way.

(ok me sucker for individualistic people, do their own thing, prepared to face the consequences, but think and act according to what they feel is right, sounds familiar?)

he held the pain by its horn and charged right back at it, with all of himself, not some cut and lacerated bits of him, everything that's him, the good, the bad, the scared, the broken, the laughing, everything. he promised himself he'd make it ok for all those he loved. that trust, that respect, that solidity, he would restore all of it. he will be nothing like his father (though interestingly the writers gave him his dad's anger issues, wish they had done something with it), he was nothing like him. he would be honest, clean, hard working, dependable.

and he would not depend on anyone else, i feel this came from the extreme sense of betrayal he felt re one person, the one he depended on, perhaps at some point even his hero, his father.

no god, kismet, fate. asr would make his own destiny himself. no problem if his di and whole family needed their bhagwan to make things happen. he wouldn't try to change them, another sign of strength in my eyes. but he would go it alone. if power and money were what mattered, he'd create enough never to have to look back. of course, there was much about life the boy had to learn, and go way beyond power and money, but his way of dealing with tragedy and his clear eyed courage in taking it all on, breathtaking. my feeling, there was lots of asr's mother and her basic positivity and integrity in his basic character. so even when he seemed harsh and terrible, some part in him always breathed and felt human. ah the guest house scene. dead.

only one concession to the turmoil, and maybe only because a part of him just ached and cried within (for which child would not want their dad to be who they thought they were), maybe that's why the closing down of his heart in one matter. women and love. arnav singh raizada ko kissi ladki se koi faraq nahin padta. a boy was keeping his hurt inside and away, while somehow trying to make amends to his mom. don't worry, i won't ever fall like that, i will always love you and di and my family with all of me. i will be there. i will not fall and become like him, your husband. no place for women inside me, no allowing them in. no getting carried away to saansey ruk jaygi moments. di, you're becoming like nirupa roy every day. a fabulous defence put up by one shattered within and trying to stay calm and strong. (all my conjectures, all may be wrong.)

by giving himself a real job to do in crisis i feel he saved himself. anger brought intensity, but he let his intelligence bring guidance.

his primary reason for going forward was not hate, it became love. for his sister. he anchored himself there, and went into the future, as its maker. this indomitable spirit and not the tortured soul is what made him so very dear to me. not just another troubled good looker i wanted to hold in my arms and nurse back to lau and such stuff. but a man i admired and wanted to learn from, thrilled me to hear his views on life, love, god, work, and more.

there was also his attitude to women, how he viewed gender... more gorgeousness there. honestly, indian television could do with more characters with his mindset. he is the renaissance man to me, one i seek in my world. and his time is definitely come.

okay, i know i sound touched in the head and this is a hindi tv hero... no one is supposed to write about him like this. but really, this is a beautiful and significant character and deserves as deep a delve as any macbeth othello gora meursault heathcliff.

one of my favourite scenes.

n i s h a n a   e p i s o d e s
.........

episode rambles

fan fiction

episode 339 a galat and a gussa

was there ever such gussa
or such exploding red angry love.

in a whole edifice collapsing, like that guest house of 27... something stood rock steady and unshakable this episode. the character of asr.

that anger of his. a part of him inalienable. so thickly entrenched, so true, it almost starts looking beautiful; and when it erupted without restraint, violent and expressed, i felt a rush, a breathing out in relief.

yes yes yes i know this anger and it is authentic, without compromise and sugar coating.

what's more, this time, in this situation, it is justified and really this would be the way arnav singh raizada would react to feeling utterly betrayed by someone he loves.

for that is how he felt when he heard his beloved had brought the wrong one, the galat one, back. incalculable hurt there. anyone else doing this might have been bearable, but "khushi, koi aur agar yeh karta toh main sah leta... lekin... tum?!"

sah leta. touching.

had it been anyone else, i'd have borne it, but... you?!

the moment the others had left the room, he turned and cut her mid sentence, grabbing her wrist and dragging her up the steps, rough, furious, not thinking, just feeling... raging.

how many times i have seen him do this, sometimes his action has seemed extreme till i've looked into his eyes. always there a pain, almost remorse, oh that day in the office when he'd raged, "nahin hai dil asr ke seene mein," and then ached stoically watching her tears... over time that look has changed and become clearly identifiable as love. she is part of him, he can't be without her... which is why everything hurts so much, much more than with anyone else. even di can't hurt him the way khushi can.

i wonder about this young man who is wrapped in his cloak of anger, out to destroy his demons and dare life... and prevail. his nearest and most loved let him down terribly once. maybe that's why he has hardened his heart, sworn, never again. he was not going to let anyone close. no maybe about it... it is so.

which is why, "i always knew it... kabhi kissi ko itni kareeb nahin aane deni chahiye... kyunki phir wahi log... wahi log tumhe chot pahunchate hain..."

i always knew it... don't ever let anyone come so close... then those very people... will turn around and deliver you hurt. (a bit of literal translation there... for that delivering of hurt, the suggestion of deliberate action in it feels important in the context.)

he has been to this feeling before. at fourteen. and he cannot bear the strike again. the pain ricochets it seems to me between now and that day, the anger going further and further out of control. his only defence... this flare up.

that word "chot", why can i almost feel it hit my heart when asr says it. i sense him struggling with that chot of his. the day he had brought her back from the temple after marrying her without any explanation, dragging her just the way he did today, even then he had spoken of his "chot" and refused to say what it was.

barun sobti had once mentioned that it was asr's sensitivity that was key. it is. an extremely sensitive tender heart in that strident, arms akimbo, feet firmly planted fearless man.

funny how, the girl who would love him completely would not understand that. at one level, that is fine i guess because life is often that way. what was not fine was the manner in which khushi brought shyam back. and even more not right was the self righteous air she donned about it... she said she was right and what's more she actually thought his sister might not have lived if she hadn't done as she had. saviour, huh.

that was perhaps the most insensitive thing i'd heard in a long time. he reacted instantly, surging toward her, i thought he might hit her. maybe she thought that too... it was a beautifully crafted moment. the directors and actors all keenly focussed on the interplay of emotions there. deserves a gif. it plays in my mind in a loop.
an air of unfair hung about the whole scene. he'd hurt her immeasurably once saying she was the reason shyam had strayed... but he had understood soon enough that he should never have said that and rushed back to make amends. he'd tried for days to make up, set things right. but here, it's as though khushi has suddenly lost all empathy. plus she is adorned in self importance. is this really khushi?

but that there is asr. no doubt about it. angry, outright, straightforward, impetuous and emotional. it was a joy to watch him. and he was not exactly sweet and politically correct as he raved. he was human.

that marvellous possessiveness over his sister, "woh meri di hai... main unke liye faisla le sakta hoon." she's my elder sister, i can decide for her. what's good or bad for di, i know well... he does actually.

there was also that beautiful asr khushi signature forward backward walk over anger...

a quiet magnificence in his resigned and slowly getting back into shell delivery, "galati meri hai... ki maine tumhe apne itne kareeb aane diya... issliye tumne aaj apni had paar ki...mera bharosa toda hai..." it's my fault, that i let you come so close to me, which is why you crossed your limit today and broke my trust.

had she understood him even for a moment. but no.

she said di might have died. extremely bad taste apart, this was such nonsense.

just leave. khushi, chali jaao yahan se. i said.. go!

he just wanted her to go, maybe because he couldn't trust himself in that state. he is perhaps also the kind who needs his solitude to get back to even keel. loneliness, his most trusted companion. 

if i mention again and again about barun sobti's acting, this is the reason... classic communication in his portrayal really. he paints deftly a few strokes of character, and invites you in, to feel the rest, fill in the gaps. an open, generous mien to the acting. it always lets you in... even when he yells go, just leave!

he may be angry with her, but he will love her and he will protect her and even if she has allowed shyam in, he will not allow shyam anywhere near her, not even in his thoughts.

"khabardar agar usska naam bhi apne zubaan par laaye toh!" don't you dare even bring her name to your lips, he said through clenched teeth, a different kind of fury igniting the air when shyam tried his wheedling. fury grips him unreined at the very thought of shyam anywhere near khushi. this protective/possessive thing is just plain exciting and feels extremely asr.

after all that anger is out and he is a bit settled, that beautiful missing at night. a grown man with a love that is melded in him, a need for his woman, a need for her no matter what... nothing to justify, nothing to show others, his conversations are all with himself. a delving at what transpired, what he said in the heat of the moment. his own words hurt him. he always needs her. does she even understand that? or is a "good girl" not supposed to?

a sad rabba ve rises... khushi's expression is almost petulant.

restlessness in the morning... a laptop snapped shut. jaws gritted. you pace you ache.

she makes jalebi... is it a bit too pat, i wonder. a trifle hackneyed? there is as if no development in her character and what was charming and real once is now just an easy way out. lazy writing.

he has been harsh and he feels its reflected pain.

you turn swiftly before you can change your mind... and pick up the phone. i think of the many times this simple instrument has been your way of reaching her, connecting... with gussa, with pyaar.

she's listless, she sees your name, she is happy instantly... but then... oh that age old lovers' game. she won't talk to you...

you call again...

i feel like tracking every second of this restlessness.

what the... you say.

a slightly lighter note enters frame. so the tide is turning... isn't it a little preciptous? the timing not quite right? a bit of a rush to get into a light happy mood.

she puts the phone in the veg basket and covers it with spinach. khushi cuteness being established again. this is supposedly her... something is getting lost from an episode that had felt real.

he chucks the phone... well at least everything and everyone has not changed.

"di, please! stop it," he snaps at his sister, and this time he will not rush to make her feel better. he is upset angry hurt... this separation from khushi, this angst with her... he can't take it... lovely understanding of lovers. 

 

......................

that i love you dammit episodes

episode rambles 

fanfiction

episode 338 khushi... you?

the rage and the incredulous look. that's all i really remember from this episode. and then the helplessness...

when you love someone with all your heart, you can make massive errors, but you can equally be absolutely a hundred percent spot on right. that emotion makes you react in ways unfathomable i believe.

if seeing khushi in shyam's arms completely played hell into asr's sense of judgment and he erred hugely, equally did he learn to believe and trust and realise the truth, thanks to that same emotion. and once he knew shyam had messed with both the important women in his life, there was no going back. never again. not even if his beloved sister was aching and begging for a change in his decision.

he knew shyam was bad for her. and he would not let shyam anywhere near di. he in fact was out looking for a sensible, effective way to nurse di back to health.

and anyway, i didn't quite understand the strange collapse of anjali's health with the nurse calling out every next dramatic turn for the worse in monotone. nor did i get the super flap by her family, and all the achhi bahu khana making and competing. was this ipk?

finally of course, instead of going to a doctor khushi went and knocked on the murderer's door because creatives had failed to find a more interesting way to bring shyam back.

as i have said before, i understand the dramatic potential of this "twist" but for that you have to convince me that khushi had areally good reason to do so. alas, you haven't done that. so all it does is makes me think why am i watching this episode.

then i see a man turn on the staircase he had just started climbing (sorry the super tan tan tan entry of your favourite villain and focusing on his shoes just as you have before on asr's did not get me all excited so did not mention it) and his expression changes, and i am glued. all thought stops. could it be not only because the chap is gorgeous to look at, the man we call hotwa, but really because he is in character. that is asr. the man i met in episode one still capable of fabulous out of control anger especially when his heart is involved.

he came down swiftly, chucked his jacket onto a sofa, he had been elegantly carrying it on the crook of his arm... and went right up to shyam and stopped him... hand straight reaching for collar.

to that right correct anger... salaam.

he was not going to tolerate this man in his home. i was glad to see his nani and mami, and later nk and payal, none of them looked pleased at the sight of the man di was pining for no matter how much they cared for her. sense, intelligence, ability to take the right decision... valuable things.

would be good if these instead of mahaanta was the key differentiating property of the achhi bahu format endorsed by television land. a land which is our virtual duniya from eight to twelve every evening.

asr seethed with fury... who brought the abhorrent pretender here he wanted to know.

"answer me, dammit! kissne bulaya tha tumhe?!" how does this actor keep himself so convinced?

after the requisite dramatic pause, came a single word from the nineteen to a dozen girl. even that felt wrong. khushi would never talk like that. she may walk up with head bent, clutching her hands or rush in with a thousand explanations, but that cool smug voice. ugh.

the first time i saw the episode, i think i was more shocked than asr. just as i could never believe shyam had kidnapped asr despite all the huge thunking bricks chucked at us as "hints"... i also could not believe khushi, of all people, would bring him back, no matter how many times they showed her muttering to herself, even saying there might be "anarth" and she could not let that happen.

and why anarth would happen so easily, i didn't get. anjali had a miscarriage and was weak, why this melodramatic handling of the whole thing?

"humne."

he looked up and in his eyes was stupefaction followed by a rush in of emotions... i wonder what they were. horror, anger, sense of betrayal...

"khushi! tumne!!" he sounds flabbergasted.

and the emotions pile up. she does this little let me explain to you thing, hand on his shoulder, holier than thou look on. "arnav ji!" hushed urgent whisper, she knows better tone... he is the one who doesn't samjho, understand. "hamari baat samajhne ki..."

he flinches away. incensed.

a real person. yes, that is what i would do too. there can never be any explanation that will justify this.

and there isn't, no matter what the writer writes.

upstairs in her bedroom, anjali, the offering, has heard "mere shyam ji's" voice and she struggles and heaves to sit up. i watch daljeet... a rather dramatic way about her always. she takes the frame and makes it hers, she has a certain presence. and i really don't mind her acting too. again, it's the writing that doesn't gel.

daljeet does this lover in unbounded need of her lover thing, hurls herself out of bed and rushes limping and falling to her husband. out of the room, down te many steps, dash against the walls then finally face to face with him... hair open and flowing, desperate love in eyes, a joy descending on features... almost manic. she looked beautiful to me. and yes a terrible poignancy in her love for a sick creature. for her love was always true. an emotion that can make you think galat and sahi both.

asr looked on. did a funny helplessness come into his eyes? he could not stop di from falling into shyam's arms. but he did tell shyam, he did not believe him when shyam said he was here only for anjali's sake.

i felt asr's extreme loneliness. he knows what is right. but there's no point. both the women he loves are not with him on this.

and when anjali hugged him, he really couldn't bring himself to return the hug.

no one had taken more care of her than him... today achhi bahu knows better. i think khushi is out there on the steps looking at this scene as had once before gazed at a brother and a sister from outside a temple. and her eyes are brimming over, feeling terrible for her laad governor.

......................

that i love you dammit episodes

episode rambles 

fanfiction

episode 323 chapter 1 aane doh aane doh aane doh

 

this was my first take on 323. will add a short piece on the crucial aane doh aane doh aane doh later.

oh, kiss me
beneath the milky twilight

lead me
out on the moonlit floor

lift your open hand

strike up the band
and make the fireflies dance

silvermoon's sparkling

so kiss me

~ ~ sixpence none the richer ~ ~

 

i've seen in my own life that if intentions are clean, destiny acts to bring you to the right place. of course, there is randomness and it can completely throw you, but still too many times i have seen forces align to make something happen because the heart and the call was untainted. can't ignore that. we're seeing it right now and perhaps "tab se" in iss pyaar ko. there's depth and perhaps an empirical truth there, which keeps us riveted.


a kiss is never just a kiss.
a thank you is never just a thank you.
but character just may be destiny.


i have worried about two characters last week, last night that worry got almost entirely allayed. 100 percent in the case of asr. 93.7612 percent for khushi. i am happy, grinning, wanting to write.


got home late last night, iss pyaar ko had already started. caught it just as he came back to take his phone. a bit apprehensive about the episode i was trying to catch the story, when his "thank you" reached my ears.


had no idea why he was thanking her, ostensibly it was for that phone of his, but how could it sound so full of meaning and moment? surely not just for a phone? and that voice, low, deep from within? i let it be and decided to just enjoy the exchange. he looked at her lingeringly, something in his eyes, the frankness of a child untouched by the world, a touch of sadness? certainly gratitude. he held her gaze as if he wanted to say so many things.


she was puzzled, perhaps not wanting to see him go, a fleeting smile and she said: bye.


bye? that's his language, i thought. she even said it in his sort of way. he seemed to notice it too.


"bye," and he turned away.


of course i saw the episode immediately once again. as the context set in, there was just wonder in me at the very conception of this character called arnav singh raizada and the understanding his makers have of him, not to mention the fire asr's prometheus, barun sobti, brings to him. once, a long time ago a man had let me into a secret about himself: when he loved someone all they needed to do was show him a wee bit of love and then he would want to flood them with his love, absolutely, no limits, no flood gates.


and there was arnav singh raizada doing just that. he had overheard bua ji's conversation with di. he wanted khushi to have the wedding of her dreams and perhaps was wondering what to do. then he heard khushi making buaji understand why she felt there was no need for him to tie the raksha bandhan: he respected and loved each one in the family, but if he didn't believe in something why not let him be. just that, the small matter of a string. but with that sentence she had shown respect for his individual space, she had defended his right to be him. then he also heard that she had got a slap for speaking up for him earlier.


nothing much, just a couple of sentences, yet his heart welled over. first time ever, he was hearing khushi, his patni, his ardhangini, the love of his life, say in so many words, his way mattered, just because it was his way. khadoos, non ritualistic, laad governor whatever he was, she would want him no other way. he was worth getting even slapped for, he was worth much more.


almost any human being would be touched by this. but arnav singh raizada showed his gratitude his way. with a deeply felt thank you, there was wonder in it... and why did i feel there were a few tears in it? as though he felt, no one got me all these years, and now you, spunky, jhalli cute mad you, you who loves her little traditions, her dm, with your clear eyed innocence, your inexperience, you got me so beautifully and thought i was worth keeping just the way i was? yes, there were tears behind those eyes, at this amazing grace.


the flood gates opened and all he wanted to do was show her his love. ever the karta, the man in charge, he took over the observance of the ritual, every detail, requirement, rule at his fingertips. make sure it all happens right. just the way khushi wants it. no mistakes this time. without rancour an arm, sorry right arm, was stretched out for the raksha dhaga. smitten bua ji, proud nani ji, what the di, harrumph dadi ji, star in my eyes khushi ji.


don't know what dazzled me more, the man in black, white, and red or the man immersed in the colours of love. if only there were no pink.


how beautiful is the character of that arrogant young devil we met 6 june 2011. what a deft touch, this trait of loving back big and generous for a tiny bit of love given to him. actually, it's always been that way i realised. how much he treasured and gave his di emotionally. did he ever ask for much in return?


true to character again, he reminded her of their bandage engagement. this ritual has been done before, in a sacred spot she must have remembered. so she has been his "tab se." for me, that was their real roka. a gift of destiny to these two of the purest heart with the most untainted call.


we all know fate has delighted to these characters and already taken them through the essential rituals of a wedding. arnav, shatir saudagar, knows that. khushi is beginning to realise it. wonder what her reaction will be when she realises that indeed devi maiyya haath pakadke sab kuch karwate hain. if we are true, our god never fails us. there was never any need to worry that a wrong was being committed.


khushi is awakening to her love more and more. submitting to it. now she is entirely someone else's, sorry salman ji. and she will not change him, just take him as he is. this growth in khushi is just so so right. perhaps it's this maturity that shone in her eyes last night making her look prettier than ever in that where on earth are you from dress and the please go back to where you came from jewellery.


again they heard each other across the distance, in the silence of their heart. he smiled. oh i miss your frown these days, but something tells me not to worry, there's plenty of that there too. character, after all. jaayega kahan.


god's in his heaven
all's right with my characters


as the story progresses and the kisses get going, i leave with only one request.


khushi, please miss him like he misses you at night. feel the stirrings he's left in you, sneak into his room as he sleeps, nk will be glad to pick you up and bring you home, go right up to your sweet husband and put your lips on his skin. the rest i'm sure he'll manage. don't worry, you're already his. will you please be true to sankadevi and do this, khushi kumari gupta... singh raizada?


 

......................

that i love you dammit episodes

episode rambles 

fanfiction