that diwali which meant nothing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

diwali. a momentous episode in the story of their love. here a delineation of the powerful, elemental pull between a man and a woman... a carnal, physical, mindless thing in it. every encounter would change them a little, make their relationship take a step, but diwali was a tectonic shift. a heave in it and when things settled back, they weren't exactly the same as before, a permanent change had taken place. nothing would be the same again. and that's why maybe story wise, it was the perfect moment to have them commit to a life with someone else.

doesn't mean a thing.

koi matlab nahin? 

diwali and koi matlab nahin episodes

......... 

episode rambles 
fan fiction

an edit wrapped in memory

everything in life can't be planned. i hadn't planned on falling for a serial, but when something gets you, it just does. the first episode and the last, something ties them together, is it a pearl dori that doesn't snap? and yet, i hear the pearls scattering, their sound against an unguarded valve of my heart. 

......................

n i s h a n a   e p i s o d e s

i p k k n d ek jashn

episode rambles

fanfiction

episode 29 falling in love

a feeling he had never known before. that he had said had no place in his life. how much anguish in it, for a man who had to be in control, never lose himself in anything. certainly not love. and yet that scratch on his hand, that blood, the memories. unbearable.

episode 29

lyrical portrayal of a man falling in love. that's what those unspeakably beautiful 3 odd minutes seemed to me. entrancing music, not a single word, graceful camera movement. a room in blues, greys, beiges, and a deep wound in red. a man feeling the touch of one he craves in it; immersed, hypnotised, lost in an emotion he'd never thought he'd meet.

when he came home after leaving her, there was nani with many questions, and di trying to make everything calm again. but he was in no mood to answer. please, i want to be left alone. alone? will you ever be alone again?
 
di fussed over his cut, he was disengaged, walked away, his fist balled.
 
in his room he paused looking almost trapped, restless.

and then like a little boy who'd found the first marvelous "treasure" in a pile of mud or sand, he opened his palm, to look at his wound. jo tum mehsoos karti ho woh main mehsoos karta hoon... if you've been cut, so have i, yes so have i. he lifted his hand and gently touched his cut. almost cradling it the way he'd cradled her before.

arnav's namesake, the ocean, swirled in him. crashing, ebbing, peaks, troughs, anger, hate, love. what. he knew not. all he could do was let it pull him in. for what is asr to know of love? there was no place for it in his life. he said so, he believed it even more. yet, she was there. left her mark and it throbbed in more than physical pain.

never seemed out of place this soulful asr and his tanhaai. because by now, we'd come to understand this brash young man had a sensitive core. that felt, often more than others. that acted with conscience and empathy, when those that mattered to him were involved. most striking till now for me, his pampering of mami ji with that gaudy necklace, just because he got her and her feelings.

just like barun got asr. like no one else did. and so in that interview, a treasure really for all those who love asr, he said what he really liked about his character.

sensitivity.

that's why i could never think of harsh things like retribution, even when he dragged her to the temple that fateful night. i knew that too was love, just like the one he felt at this moment. a kind of love rarely seen, and if you can take its fury, its beauty would drown you even more. she knew it as she went along too.

but at this moment, he had no idea it was that feeling. her thoughts just plagued him. he wanted to forget. frustrated, he slammed his wardrobe door, and awaited composure.

di walked in. again questions. she could sense he was very upset, his elder sibling who perhaps understood him better than most others. what's bothering you, i know who you're thinking of. "di, main khushi ke baare mein nahin soch raha hoon." di, i'm not thinking of khushi. khushi?

just before that in the sitting room, there had been a most emotionally difficult exchange with nani. her love, versus his need to lead his own life. nani was not pleased with his choice of girl, lavanya. she wanted to have a say in his decision for she cared. "main jaanta hoon, nani, par kuch faisle, achhe ya burey, insaan ko khud lene chahie... aur jaldbaazi mein kiye gaye faisle, kabhi theek nahin hote..." i know, nani, but some decisions, good or bad, one should take oneself... and any decision made in a rush is never correct.

di tried to say something. and he spat out, "di, please, mujhe abi khushi ke baare mein koi baat nahin karni." di, please, idon't want to talk about khushi.

twice she came to him unbidden, slip of the tongue. or yearning of the heart?

how would he know? for he'd said, "mere liye pyaar koi maine nahin rakhta." love has no significance for me. for him and nani, pyaar only seemed to suggest terrible tings. he didn't say so explicitly, but nani did, "pyaar naam ka shabd hai na, oo ka ek hi matlab hai... barbadi." that word love, it means only one thing, destruction. it was clear this had a lot to do with asr's parents and their life, their hasty decisions, their story.

but in our story, pyaar had made a strike and escape seemed impossible. what troubles you, di persisted, and finally she offered to feed him. the boy who lost his mother at 14, who became father, brother, man of the house, protector overnight, who never ever asked anything for himself, today he was feeling the need for someone. for this unfamiliar feeling troubled him no end. how sweetly he turned and handed her the plate. yes, i need a little cuddling tonight, a lullaby maybe?

but he kept quiet. what's the matter, don't you trust me, she asked. trust? the word broken to smithereens by his father. yes a part of him couldn't trust anyone perhaps. but di? oh he so desperately wanted to trust.

trust. love. elemental issues of life faced him tonight.

i wanted to play a song for asr here.

"wise men say only fools rush in
but i can't help falling in love with you
shall i stay
would it be a sin
if i can't help falling in love with you

like a river flows surely to the sea
darling so it goes
some things are meant to be
take my hand, take my whole life too
for i can't help falling in love with you

like a river flows surely to the sea
darling so it goes
some things are meant to be
take my hand, take my whole life too
for i can't help falling in love with you
for i can't help falling in love with you"

~~~ geroge weiss, hugo peretti, luigi creatore ~~~
 
it indeed was meant to be.

she was as wrapped up in him too. feeling his hands, his touch, stroking her cheek. touch indeed has memory. and her subconscious didn't reject it. his fingers lingered as she slept.

perhaps its call was so urgent, it woke her up. and in the transition to reality, the clearly felt and the understood came into focus. "nahiiin," nooooo! he was rakshas. she remembered nothing. till her trusted elder sister said,"woh laya tha," he brought you back. then came recollection, she saw the scar, and her expression grew more and more troubled at what she remembered.

she could feel him jerk her around, his hand on her wrist letting go but the churi had already done damage, she was confused, still trying to focus. in the middle of that everyone's anger at the man. was there anything galat that happened? in a middle class home, especially with girls, this is a big concern. no no, she said, not that. leave him, leave his job, she was advised. she had no answer, just the facts of the day. and a strange feeling.

 

a brilliant episode, adroitly stitched together. barun tremendous in his search for asr in this state. sanaya lovely in her confusion laced with anger. nani, di, just perfectly delivered, and mami's and bua ji's spike plus shyam's sliminess, what a mix.

credit: uploader

g.u.e.s.t.h.o.u.s.e.  e.p.i.s.o.d.e.s

................

episode rambles

fan fiction

 

she is leaving

she's walking away, she's done with him, he's angry, she's angry, it's over. resignation. it's sunday, i sit at my comp, watching, my toes feel things. she looks back, he crushes the letter in his fist. why is she feeling so bad. why is he not shouting.

episode 33 the confrontation

 

g.u.e.s.t.h.o.u.s.e.  e.p.i.s.o.d.e.s

................

episode rambles

fan fiction

a friday with 35

fixing the pictures on episode 35. while watching again and making caps, i felt that old familiar feeling. no name for it yet. not easy to frame in sounds with boundaries feelings that know none. that just flow. that just are.

episode 35 he is leaving





......................

those teej episodes
episode rambles
fanfiction





 

episode 40 water of love

"reclaiming the sacred in our lives naturally brings us close once more to the well springs of poetry."~~~ robert bly ~~~

i do not believe in rituals, but there was something sacred in those moments up there. and their interludes were indeed poetry, saying like great poems much more than what's apparent to the eye. you had to listen with your heart.

not too many television shows bring this level of communication. for this i really thank each and everyone involved with this show. i've been thinking about 40, and there's a conch shell blowing through it, and red rising, a man walks before all with a woman in his arms, taking her responsibility, making her his own, being hers. but neither he nor she really know it, perhaps that's the beauty of it all.





"the secret and the sacred are sisters. when the secret is not respected, the sacred vanishes. consequently, reflection should not shine too severe or aggressive a light on the world of the soul."~~~ john  o'donahue, anam cara: a book of celtic wisdom ~~~

i have no idea what the soul really is or if it exists at all. but something other than the material does indeed fill our universe. it was in his eyes, his arm around her so gentle and caring, his hand reaching out to support her head as he held the glass of water to her lips. "khushi... khushi..." he called, a bit beside himself with worry. but her last words to you had been harsh and full of accusations about the kind of man you are. yet, you look at her with eyes that only worry and care.

she hadn't kept a fast willingly. but it was someone's will. he wasn't meant to open her fast with the first drops of water, but looked like something or someone had meant it to happen just that way. sindoor smeared them both by a holy tree where wishes hang on ties full of faith. by shiv parvati's temple, he completed the task entrusted to husbands, and she drank the water before remembering to protest. 108 years had parvati waited for shiv to come to her, there was a sense of their fulfillment in those seconds that he held the glass to her lips, and she let the water flow into her.

when she had had her fill, her focus restored, she was upset with him for ruining her fast. but i wonder, khushi, would you have just taken a glass from a perfect stranger then and drunk something without knowing what it was? or is it that your senses beyond the counted five knew this was no stranger? knew he was to be trusted? knew that water was to be given by him and none else?

water. one of the four elements. and the elements play a central role in iss pyaar ko. not by accident surely, the name of the larger than life, riveting man around whom this story revolves, is arnav, ocean. water in the end is perhaps the most assertive element of all, dousing even fire. and since we are talking about shiv, can't help but remember it was in his locks that he captured the waters of ganga and then let her flow. of water and its shore, happiness, a tale unfolds. and their ebb and flow toward and away from each other is mesmerising as ever.

he comes to her, she rests against him, she resists, and turns away. again a spell. no, it isn't time. stay still, be with him.

instead of thanking him for saving her, she of course berates him. since when do lovers have to behave within the bounds of normalcy. so off she goes. he is upset, "mujhe nahi pata tha ki tumhara... tum behosh ho rahi thi," "i hadn't realised that you (were fasting, perhaps he meant to say)... you were about to faint..." she stalks away, but in seconds she's dizzy again.

 
he comes yet again to catch her. swiftly, forgetting his anger, her unreasonable words... everything but...

they have the right it seems to be mad at each other and save and be saved by each other too. only one relationship i have encountered that's like that in life. grimly, he tells her "pehle do kadam chalna sikho, phir mooh kholna," first learn to walk a couple of steps, then open your mouth. children shouldn't open their mouths. oh, he is angry. was there a little reference to her yelling at him the other day?

this time, no letting her go. he holds on. she's shocked, then her eyes change, they wonder, they wander. her hand clings to his jacket, his hand firm on her shoulder. the spinning has stopped yet they stand. and time pauses to take in the scene. he's looking at her, angry, but rapt. her hand was on his heart. what did it hear?

"i have always been fascinated by the ocean, to dip a limb beneath its surface and know that i'm touching eternity, that it goes on forever until it begins here again."
~~~ lauren destefano, wither ~~~

tears well up in her eyes. why? where do they come from? from a place of sadness? or of feelings that confuse her, that just ask to flow out and feel the sunlight, the air around? to breathe, to grow?

she steps away, and it's ebb again.

but the mind keeps flowing toward each other. the eyes won't rest till they see what they desire. heads turn, gazes shift, a current of awareness keeps khushi and asr firmly tied to each other, on a day that is all about making and keeping ties.

beautiful direction and emotion play. and completing the episode many nuances of story.

........................ 

"anjali ji, aap ki thaal... shayad galati se khushi ke paas aa gayi thi."
 
anjali ji, your platter... perhaps by mistake it khushi picked it up. 

something of anjali's is with khushi by mistake. payal returns it to anjali, perhaps an indication that she will play a major role in rectifying khushi's galati.

"maaf kijiye, anjali ji, par pata nahin kaise yeh aapki amanat hamare paas aa gayi."
 
forgive me, anjali ji, don't know how, but what belongs to you was left with us.  

pata nahin kaise... don't know how. this is so true of shyam's involvement with khushi. she didn't know the man found her attractive, she didn't know he was married, didn't know he was married to anjali. but khushi will keep anjali's "amanat" safely, as she says later, make sure it is returned to anjali. poignant, and truly sad for both the girls, this ungodly switch. if only it were just about a thaal.

"kabhi kabhi bado ki baat bhi maan leni chahiye."
 
sometimes, you should listen to what the elders say.

finally, akash opens his mouth. his dream girl, his dupattewali stands there, his di has conspired to keep her back for the diya lighting, and now when it looks like there's a possibility of the sisters staying back here for the puja and there's much yes... no... around it, the boy can't hold back anymore. he says what he has to. ooops, did his only mother hear his words?

"aur humka blouj ke pay-ttern bhi bahuthe achha laga... ekdam aircondisioned... jharokedar."
 
"and i like the blouse pattern a lot tooo... absolutely airconditioned... with windows."

how to leave without paying tribute to and giving respect to one of the best "dialogue givers" in the show. lavanya didn't know what she got, a compliment or a censure. but mami seems quite determined to keep la happy, after all she might solve the problem of arnav bitwa's inconvenient bachelorhood. and since both are so good at giving "pets names," maybe another hot jodi is about to come together today in this very temple.

"aap janti hain na aapse kitna pyaar karte hain."
 
"you know how much i love you, don't you?" my first big peeve since show started. why this tacky "disguise" of shyam's voice? surely, with the hints dropped piling higher than khushi's mountain of jalebis, we all kinda knew who the guy was. poor anjali, waits there with full faith. so terribly dependent on this man, who perhaps by marrying her gave her a sense of herself. born with a disability, she was fragile enough, then had come the shattered incident at sheesh mahal. and though we see the visible signs of that tragedy in asr, the seemingly happy anjali remains fractured and fragile inside, her husband her crutch. i see chhotey and yeh as her two mainstays. if either is taken out or messed with, anjali will feel the impact.

 
sfx: breeze swirls and rises, then envelops all...

did you hear the breeze over those first moments of episode as he stops her fall, pulls her close, lifts her in his arms and gazes at her? how full of thought, emotion, music. calling out to the ocean, tying water to the heavens above, heart beat to heart beat. some of the best dialogues in it, just listen.

......................

those teej episodes
episode rambles
fanfiction

.........................

photobucket played a nasty trick. blocked all our images a few days back. said, it wouldn't release them till we paid hefty subscription fees. this was a free photo sharing site. i had to come and edit new pictures and share from imgur instead, on many of my posts here. still working on it. while watching again, i realised how compelling these two actors are. you can't stop wanting to cap a moment or turn it into an edit capturing just that feeling in it. ended up making more and more edits. i loved this one which i'd made a while back.