a monsoon story

the river stretched far into the other side, the waters were deep and rippling, a rush in its current. the yamuna was in full spate, heavy rains had filled it to the brim and beyond, the embankments on either side had been breached a few times.

no, not the yamuna of the arid delhi summer this; a monsoon yamuna bursting with fecundity, burgeoning with life, flowing expectant and full toward sangam, the meeting.

khushi sat on the grass watching the river glisten. it was early in the morning, sleep had eluded her all night, she needed to get away and sit by herself and just be. she couldn’t explain to anyone her restlessness, her longing, her feeling of being empty.
 
who would understand what being away from him for a month felt like; someone she hadn’t met or known till less than a couple of years ago, and now? she didn’t know him… really? she thought. why did it feel as though such a time had not existed? ever.

when he told her he had to go for a couple of months to his office in new york, she’d been disoriented, confused. go away for two months? but… ? she had no idea what running a large business in the ever electric, ever fretful international fashion industry meant. her father’s mithai shop in lucknow had been there for nearly three decades now, it even provided a decent income, not huge, but enough… yet rarely did it impose such demands on the owner.

she had looked at him with troubled eyes. he had smiled back, leant forward, flicked her nose, and murmured, “you’re coming with me.”

she’d felt light and frothy for an instant. every time he did such things, she felt a quick dart of happiness inside. she had smiled back shyly and watched his eyes light up. she wished there was a way to catch these moments and put them in a box and keep them on the shelf where she hoarded her treasures.

she’d shaken her head and said, “nahin, arnav ji, hum nahin ja sakte…” he’d scowled darkly and retorted “khushi, shut up.”

right now she wished she could put that instant in her little box too.

she pulled at blades of grass as her mind wondered and the breeze played with her hair. the morning feeling in the air calmed her taut nerves. she had not felt it was right to go away from home for so long. this was her family, plus amma and babu ji were there too. payal and akash were in america. di was not yet feeling that strong. no, from whatever she understood of life, she really couldn’t go away just because arnav ji had to. that would be irresponsible.

someone had to stay here… khushi gave herself all these long lectures and finally asr relented. he did leave though.
khushi sighed. she could feel herself swallow raggedly, a frazzled emotion wanting to well up from within.

why, devi maiyya, she thought, is it so tough? she spoke to arnav ji every day. there was a nine and a half hour time difference, which meant when he woke up it was tea time for her, and every day her eyes strayed constantly to the phone around then. he’d be happy to hear the iphone which he’d bought her just before leaving she’d now grown practically addicted to… checking the time in new york on the world clock. he liked to call her usually the moment he awoke. his voice had a little sleepiness in it often, and it made her want to wrap her arms around him and pull him close, let him linger five more minutes before the day got going. really he worked too hard, she thought.

they did speak a few more times during the day, but then there were some days when he was too busy to linger over chats. just this thursday he’d called when it was midnight his time and morning hers. he sounded so tired. when she asked him what he’d had for dinner, he was distracted and muttered, “nothing, khushi, where’s the time to eat?”

she’d felt so terrible she couldn’t eat lunch that day. mami ji was shocked, “phati saree, are you pheelings aalright? tum khana naat eating? sun rijing in the baste…”

(torn saree, you feeling alright? how come you’re not eating, did the sun rise in the west today?)

she had kept herself busy, tried not to mope, but somehow, she never felt complete, whole, all there. like something was missing, all around, all the time.

khushi looked at the river, now stop moping she told her frayed self, look, there’s a boat, wonder where it’s going? are they fishing?

again a sigh.

today was going to be hard.

her eyes stung with tears. she remembered the bells ringing. she remembered a tense voice, a hand rough and merciless on her wrist… she was numb, in shock, he was relentless… 

hey devi maiyya, raksha karna. why is today so bleak? why can’t i pull myself out of this mood? chal, khushi, bas kar, ab jaakey jalebi banaate hain… theek hai?

(come khushi, now enough, let’s go and make some jalebis, okay?)

she got up slowly and made her way back to her scooter. yeah, she’d insisted she needed one, and after some arguing, he’d bought her a brand new one, refusing to buy the second hand scooter of bedi ji’s she’d suggested. he had checked the helmet himself, driving her crazy about the right kind and the right way to wear one. he’d also bought her a car, just because he felt she would be safer in one. a sweet red beetle.

she remembered her first time on the scooter. he had wanted to come along, just to make sure she was ok, she hadn’t been on a bike in a while. she remembered his arms going around her waist and holding her tight. her concentration had gone on a long wild flight at that. he’s shaken with laughter and teased, “khushi, kya kar rahi ho? told you, you can’t ride a scooter.” that did it. she’d wrenched her concentration back out of his clutches and shown him he was wrong. they’d had ice cream at india gate, actually she’d had two ice creams while he’d watched.

she smiled at the memory. oh arnav ji, where are you? a gust of wind rose as she started her scooter and seemed to pick up her thought.

gust of wind. she felt it and again thought, oh arnav ji, aap kahan hain?

when she got back home, nani ji was up and just a bit worried, “khushi bitiya, aap kahan the? aap theek hain na? amma babu ji?”

(khushi bitiya, where were you? you’re okay i hope? your parents??)

“sab theek hai, nani ji, main yun hi…” khushi smiled slightly trying to reassure her… nani ji  had started to feel like her own grandmother. she hugged her.

(everything is alright, nani ji, i was just…)

“bitiya,” nani ji hugged her back and then said, “come, get ready, we have a pooja today you remember? special day…”
khushi swallowed hard and went to change. somehow, it was impossible to put her mind to choosing the right clothes, matching the bangles, bindi… oh what a chore, she thought as she picked out a saree. right in front of her was a yellow one. hadn’t she worn a similar saree when he’d told her he hated her? and she’d said, she hated him too? because he wasn’t fit to be loved?

she felt as if she were suffocating.

she rushed out, outside by the pool, by his plants, and took deep breaths… she stood with her eyes closed, willing herself to recover, calm down, take a hold of herself. 

arnav ji, why didn’t i go with you?

she stood there bereft, shoulder drooping, today of all days…
then she felt something call out to her, she frowned slightly. what was that?

without really knowing why, she turned around.

he stood there at the french windows, staring at her. what was that expression on his face? why was he looking so tortured?

why was he… wait… was she dreaming? he couldn’t be here.
then he opened his arms wide.

and all she could do was race into them.

here, not here, reality, dream, whatever. she wanted arnav ji.
“aap hume chhorke kaise ja sakte hain? how could you leave me and go away, i can’t live without you, main aapke bina jee nahin paaoongi, ” she was crying and holding him tight.
his arms cradled her, “shh… shh… khushi, my darling, khushi, chup, stop crying, i’m here, see?” his breath caressed her cheek, she hadn’t felt its touch in so long. she wanted to hold it and never let it go anywhere.

she looked up at him at last, his eyes were alive and shining, his lips on hers were hungry, desperate. she held him even closer and kissed him back without shame or restraint. 

for long moments, the pool waters lapped and the breeze rustled the leaves and they kissed.

“khushi,” he whispered, standing with his forehead against hers. 

”arnav ji,” she sighed.

“do you know what day it is, khushi?” his voice had an undercurrent of tension.

“yes, i do,” she said simply, “it’s the day we got married.” 

she felt a grip on her wrist, her feet going up the temple steps, her dupatta trailing on the floor. he dragged her up the steps without looking at her even once, and flung her in front of devi maiyya’s graceful moorti. the winds howled, her tears streamed, her eyes went from his rigid face to a plate with sindoor and a mangalsutra lying before the deity. as she stared speechless, he went and picked up the necklace of black beads and gold and came back. his eyes were burning with anger, with hatred, with something torrid and tearing, he put the mangalsutra on her without a word.

then a pinch of sindoor was thrust upon her maang, her parting in the hair… married, she was married. to this man with violent eyes. who said this was a farce, for six months only. the bells clanged wildly, the night crashed around her head. she stood there numb. once he’d put that sindoor on her maang, she knew she was married… whether he hated her or adored her. there was no going back.

her arms reached out for him again, “arnav ji,” she clung to him, eyes shut. and at last the tears came. for so long she had kept a check on them. they flowed, warm and unstoppable, drenching his shirt, soaking through, on his chest, his heart. the monsoon had arrived at last. and it carried her to her meeting.

he lifted her up and took her to their bed, he sat with her on his lap and just let her cry. his arms held her, his heartbeat told her he was there.

when her tears abated, he wiped her eyes gently with his pristine white handkerchief. 

”how could i do that to you, khushi?” he asked. how he wished he could completely erase that night. he could feel the roughness of his hand, the ruthlessness in him, he could see a fragile bewildered girl just standing there helpless as he took away all options from her, as he beat her into submission by threats that he knew she couldn’t ignore. he wanted so badly to hurt her. “how could you!” cried his heart and shattered each time after it said that. all he knew was he had to do what he had to do.
yet he could see her vulnerable eyes, her resplendent beauty, however hard he tried not to. 

something in him roared, “you’re mine, mine.” something else screamed, “you’re filthy, dirty, vile.” and yet he had to put that mangalsutra around her neck. his hands were steady and determined, and his heart felt a jolt when the sindoor touched her parting. he didn’t believe in such things, yet he felt that jolt. rubbish, nahin hai asr ke seene mein dil… there’s no heart in asr’s breast.

he took a long breath and gripped her tighter.
“how could i?” he buried his face in her hair.
as they held each, their breathing eased. both seemed to settle a bit. it had been so long since they’d felt each other’s touch. in that itself there was peace, there were answers to difficult questions.

“i so missed you, khushi… i had to see you today…” they were lying next each other they both realised, no longer sitting, he held her fast, his shoes were still on, and her sindoor was smeared across his shirt front, where she’d buried her head and cried. her eyes lingered on the crimson blotches on the white linen, she nudged forward and pressed her lips to his bare skin, just above the top button.

“arnav ji, sometimes maybe things happen the way they do because they have to happen that way?” she was playing with his shirt button… “i used to dream of my wedding and how everything would be, but… it didn’t happen that way…” she looked up, he pushed back a lock of stray hair from her forehead.

“did you do that in the guest house the night you came to save me from the storm,” she asked suddenly, a memory seemed to trigger somewhere.

“yes, khushi,” he was taken aback at this jump to another topic suddenly.

“aap ne uss raat pehli baar hume khushi kahke pukara tha,” she smiled and snuggled a bit. you’d called me by my name the first time that night. asr was perplexed, what was she trying to tell him?

“arnav ji, when we met did you ever think we’d be here one day?”

what a strange girl she was, he thought and couldn’t help but smile.

“khushi, what are you trying to tell me, stop saying strange things.”

“ajeeb,” she said, and laughed, “hum sach mein kitne ajeeb hain.” strange, we are really so strange.

“did you really think it was only for six months and not a marriage at all?” she asked looking him straight in the eyes.
he remembered the jolt.

“no… no. i thought, ” he ran his fingers through her hair and grabbing a bunch of thick curls pulled her close, “i thought, you are mine, mine… i also thought you were a terrible woman.”

“but you couldn’t not be with me, hai na?” she breathed near his mouth and gave him a searing kiss.

“khushi…” he could feel desire rising.

“i felt terrible, i wanted to hit you, hurt you, i had no idea why you were doing this to me, but you know, arnav ji, when your hand went round my neck and you put on this…” she touched her mangalsutra, “i looked at your face… and all i saw for an instant was my husband. mine… mine.” she repeated his words and hugged him close and just lay there.

somehow there was no need to say things any more. he took off her churidar kurta slowly, she unbuttoned his shirt and undressed him with a terrible need. she so wanted to lie next to him, feel his skin, know he was there. they made love till both were exhausted and fell asleep.

when a river runs in full spate its beauty is of another order. no one remembers how dry and barren it had been just a while back, how narrow its spread, how brown and muddy the islands that erupted in its centre even at times, for the lack of its life force, water. perhaps it is these unpretty days of the river that hold up its beauty even more. make us marvel at its surge and strength, its gleaming ripples and sure gait. it seems to know where it’s going, without there having to be maps and compasses. an instinct carries it along to the right place. a river never gets lost.

***

that evening he said he wanted to take her out. she dressed with care in a red saree with matching bangles and a tiny sparkling red bindi. she left her hair open the way he liked it. when she came before him, he thought time had flipped and done some funny dance, that first time she’d worn a saree in his office and he had stood and stared, unable to look away… it all came rushing back.

he grabbed her hand and said, “come!” in that half tender half imperious way of his. out by the poolside, he made her sit on the deckchair and sat on the floor before her.

khushi recalled the look on his face when he’d slipped a payal onto her ankle one night, and him blowing so so gently into her eyes that day when she’d managed to rub some dust into them. arnav ji, do you know how often i have sat here and spoken to you this past month? but i think america is too far away, shayad aapko sunai nahin diya… she was talking to herself.

“no, khushi, i heard you every day,” he said to her as he lifted a hand and kissed it.

“haan?!!” she looked at him startled. he’d read her thoughts again.

“ha-an!” he grinned that lopsided grin of his, and she felt something on her wrist.

she looked down to see a beautiful gold kangan on her wrist and even as her mouth started to form her trademark “o” the other kangan was slipped on smoothly by a pair of expert hands.

she stared at the two perfect bangles, gleaming solid gold.

“arnav ji?” she looked at him tremulous… what was he doing?
“khushi,” he lifted both her hands and drew them close, right up to his heart, “i know everything about that night was wrong… i know you don’t like apologies, so i won’t apologise, i just want you to know that i loved you… even though i hated you. and i did want to celebrate the first anniversary of our wedding with you. together. you and me.” he bent and kissed both her wrists first. khushi literally felt pain melt away.

were these eyes that violent that night?

he turned her hands around and kissed her on each palm, slowly, taking his time, then he laid his face on them and sat quiet.

“please come to new york with me.”


***

as the plane rose higher, she sat still gripping his hand, her stomach felt like it was emptying and rushing up at the same time.

“tum theek ho?” a pair of creamy brown eyes were looking at her below a severe frown. the sunlight streaming in through the window made them sparkle more. how terribly grim those eyes could be sometimes. but she liked them even when she hated him. she almost smiled.

the plane banked and as she felt the tilt she grew nervous, her eyes went quickly toward the window, what was up? and there below she saw the yamuna.

a skein of silver in the mid day sun, how well it knew where it had to go. “hum aate hain, yamuna ji,” she thought, then turned and laid her head on his shoulder. her kangans made little sounds as they touched her bangles when she moved.

she heard him sigh.

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not cut out for love: chapter 49

the sand was still and smooth, a supple stretch extending all along and beyond. the water danced and gleamed. seagulls called out loud and almost demanding a ear. feathery white clouds roamed aimlessly about in the powder blue sky. a quiet lapping of waves could be heard along the shore. the edge of water was frilly and had a fine topping of white.

khushi felt wave upon wave of feelings fall against her heart. not so peaceful these surges, a turbulence in them, an undertow quite strong and disturbing, traveling through her from end to end.

"hey devi maiyya!" she sighed, tears mere seconds away from spilling over, "yeh humey kya ho raha hai... i can't understand what's happening! what are these feelings, are they normal? kya hum achhe nahin hain?"

(hey dm! what's happening to me? i can't understand what's happening! what are these feelings, are they normal? am i not a good person?)

overwhelmed, she fell silent. there were no words really to describe the swell of unsettling thoughts in her.

she had woken up early this morning. they had arrived in bali fairly late the previous night. there had been hardly any time to prepare for this sudden trip arnav ji had decided they were going on. amma and babu ji had sounded happy when she'd called to tell them she'd be away for three days. amma had instructed her to not worry about anything, just enjoy herself with arnav ji. khushi had felt her ears go hot. kareena had feigned a swoon and fallen straight on salman who had yelled.

"how amorous! how intimate! how passionate... oh oh oh... sun and sky and water and love... only looove!" she had trilled, not one to let a chance to be dramatic go by.

khushi had walked out of their office, her heart beats in disarray, her knees quite unsteady. why was everyone so happy? why was no one stopping her... no him... laad governor. how embarrassing, to be just with him and everyone knowing that they were there by themselves...

khushi had fished out a packet of chana from her bag the moment she's reached her desk and started throwing the little crunchy pods into her mouth hastily.

"do you know 'ow much your pompoms are dancing, ma cherie?" jean pierre's voice had brought her back from the land of panic. he was standing smiling at her.

"i 'ear you go to ba-lee again..." he had not paused as khushi had visibly gulped, "i need you to contact zees gentleman in ubud and tell 'im to send you ze seengs i 'ave made a leest of... okay? and remember, ahhnav is now a married man, don't let 'im look at all zose girls on ze beech, yes?"

jp had laughed before leaving. all khushi could do was gawk at that last sentence of jon piye ji's. her phone had rung. it was akash."ha-an, sir... no no, jija ji?" khushi had stammered.

"khushi, tell me something," akash had asked in his soft way, sounding slightly confused, "do you think payal will like paris... or should i take her to bali?"

"jija ji!" khushi had exclaimed, "paris? bali? jiji?" she couldn't believe they were talking about such things as though they were pondering whether to go to chandni chowk or lakshminagar.

a brown hand had come and taken the phone from her nervous fingers."paris. akash, take payal to paris," a voice with its unmistakable grain had said, sounding very sure. khushi had watched asr, her mouth slightly open. when had he walked into her office? and why were his eyes looking so brown. why oh why couldn't she look away. she would not go to bali... who did he think he was... she would tell him right now. she'd gotten her expression, voice, sentence everything ready.

but he had turned and swiftly kissed her. and she had lost the thread of her thought.

di had clapped her hands in glee and exclaimed, "i always knew it! my brother, the romantic man, the honeymoon man..."

she'd stroked asr's cheek lovingly. he'd winced and said, "hp! black coffee in my room!" and loped up the stairs two at a time leaving khushi downstairs, blushing.

khushi remembered all this and frowned. then she looked at the wide expanse of the ocean and shook her head...

this morning when she'd woken up, arnav ji was lying next to her, still asleep. she had lain there on her side, inches away from him, staring at his profile. her eyes had moved from his forehead down the arch of his high straight nose to his lips, and she'd felt her throat muscles constrict. her fingers had wanted to reach and touch his lips. her eyes had moved further down and she'd started when she realised he was naked.

well at least his chest was bare, a sheet covered him from the waist down. khushi almost shook with desire and didn't really want to know if he wore his pyjamas or not.

before she could stop them, her eyes had felt a hunger for him. she loved the taut gleam of his skin, its earthy brownness, she ached to touch the flat of his navel, to put her lips on his nipple, to nip his neck, to wake him up and... that's when khushi had sprung out of bed.

what was she doing, hey devi maiyya...!!

what sort of thoughts were these first thing in the morning!

her legs had felt cold and she'd gazed mystified at her bare shins. she was wearing a short little something. it was black. silk. buoyant. it had all came back.

arnav ji had walked up to her from behind... he had put his hands on her shoulders and drawn her against him. she could feel the rise and fall of his body, his breath on her neck, the solitude all around, a vast feeling of being in this universe with him, only him. no one else. arnav and khushi.

she had called him by his name in her heart... a tremor in her whisper. he had turned her around. a violent thrust of joy and other emotions had made her close her eyes instinctively.

he had not said a word. she had felt his lips on hers for a moment, then he was reaching down and raising her kurta... it hadn't even occurred to her to protest. he had taken off her clothes as they both stood in the centre of the room.

something soft had touched her face, then slipped down over her. a dress... what was it?

she had felt his hands settle over her sides, smoothing the fabric, moving down to her waist. his thumbs had brushed against her breast, her nipples, instantly awakening a response. she could feel a tightness as her breasts grew firm, her nipples grew defined. she had heard the slight indrawn breath from him, she had felt her breath grow dense. she had wanted to throw her body against his... but she had stayed still.

he had said softly, "i chose black for you.. do you like black?"

she had opened her eyes then and looked, he had turned her around and she had seen herself in the full length mirror before her. she had almost stopped breathing. a swathe of darkly black chiffon covered her from shoulder to just below her hips. the tiny little thing was cut jauntily, a carefree flounce as it came down, hugging her breasts simply at the top, right below sleeves made of a medley of fine silk strings.

khushi had never worn anything like this. her long legs, ivory and sleek, glowed; her shoulder bones were finely etched and flowed out to arms that were unblemished and beautiful. the column of her neck rose proud and straight from the low neck line. khushi couldn't believe her eyes.

she looked so bare. she looked almost wanton... like someone else... like those girls she never thought she was. and yet, she didn't want to run and hide. she liked being looked at by arnav ji... like that... just the way he was looking.

he had lifted her in his arms and taken her to the bed. she had felt a strange tearing need in her... the very thought of him choosing black for her, of making her wear this... whatever you call it... maybe he had designed it??

khushi had clung to him and let the need guide her.

she remembered he had laughed at one point.

she could feel him stroking her back as he'd slept off... he'd murmured, "so you like my colour..."

khushi remembered everything in a flash as she sat on the beach, immersed in a suffocating rise of confusion and other things.

how badly she'd wanted to let her fingers play with him this morning. how happy she had felt lying with her head against his chest last night, feeling the dampness of his perspiration against her cheek and ear; hearing his heart beating somewhat erratic; sensing his body begin to calm lying beside her.

how could she be so... so... well, khushi bit her lips and said the word to herself. shameless.

yes, she decided, she was being just that. of course, she knew one did certain things after one married. but she...she seemed to want all this... yeh sab... khushi again searched for the right word... she could only come up with "baatein." yeh sab baatein... yes, she was not at all comfortable with the way she seemed to want it, enjoy it, crave it almost... this was bad. what would everyone think of her... worst still, what would arnav ji think of her.

(all these things.)

at last the tear rolled down. khushi sobbed and put her head on her drawn up knees.


***


"khushi!" he called out as his eyes opened. it was bright outside he could see through the window.

asr turned to look at her, but she wasn't there. where was khushi, he wondered and called out once more. there was no answer. he sat up quickly and the cover fell off. he was wearing nothing. asr smiled slightly as he remembered why.

she had been even more beautiful, if that were possible, last night.

he longed to hold her in his arms and kiss her just then, feel her writhe against him, sigh, scream. but his wife had disappeared. now he grinned. he was getting used to the fact that things would not go as expected with khushi around.

in the bathroom, he splashed cold water on his face then pulled on a pair of shorts, picked up a beach towel and went out.

soon he spotted her sitting up ahead near the shoreline. he started running lightly toward her. a rush of energy thronged in him, and something akin to lightness. again that unusual feeling... ever since he had seen her. even more now, now that she was safely and securely a part of his life. he would never want it to be any other way.

he was almost upon her when he noticed she was wearing blue. was it the blue she wore the first time he'd kissed her? but before he could ascertain that, he saw her head was down resting on her knees. she was not sitting and talking to the waves, or the clouds, or a seagull or two as he had fully expected her to.

what was she doing? was she crying??

asr completed the last few yards to her at lightning pace. when he was next to her, he sat down and asked quietly, "khushi? tum theek ho?"

(khushi? are you okay?)

she didn't say a thing. she didn't lift her head. had she gone really still? asr got worried suddenly."khushi, what's the matter... tell me dammit!" he put a hand on her shoulder, "is everything okay at home?"

khushi's shoulders shook at this.

he said urgently, "what's the matter? babu ji?..."

she raised her head and looked at him, her pupils had turned red, tears streaked her cheeks...

"khushi!" arnav singh raizada felt a terrible worry come over him.

what was the matter?

"arnav ji," khushi whispered, "hum shayad... shayad... "

(arnav ji, perhaps i... perhaps...)

"haan... tum shayad, kya... kya, khushi... tell me!" his voice was raised.

(yeah... you perhaps, what... what, khushi... tell me!)

she had no idea what she should say, and how did you say such a thing anyway? but she looked into the concerned, shimmering chocolate eyes and all she knew was she had to tell him... tell him everything. he was the one she wanted to share her fears, her worries, her troubles with. she knew she could tell him. again, no real rational reason could she state for this certainty. she just knew. and she so wanted to. he was hers... she was nothing without him. she couldn't lie to him, couldn't hide from him.

her thoughts seemed to soothe her a bit. she sniffed loudly, drew in her breath and looked at him through her lashes, a little embarrassed by what she had to say, "hum shayad itne achhe nahin hain... hum... hum, " she grabbed his hand for support, "arnav ji, am i normal?"

(i am perhaps not good... i... i... arnav ji, am i normal?)

asr looked at her perplexed. what was the girl saying? or trying to at least.

"normal?!" he exclaimed, "no... of course, you're not normal, khushi, you're you... and not good?" for a second more he was at a loss, then it dawned on him... achhe... good...

"khushi" he said gently, lifting her chin, "come here!" he put his arms around her.

without any protest she let her head rest on his chest and snuggled. she had been feeling terrible, all those thoughts churning in her.

"do you know, i have never felt like this ever before either?" he said, his chin on her head, rocking her gently... "i know, baby, you have never done all this with anyone... i know how new it all is... a little scary, isn't it? for me too, khushi. mere liye bhi..." she sighed, not really hearing every word, just letting the sound of his voice rumble in her ear and bring calm.

he chuckled, "if anyone is not good between the two of us, it's me..."

khushi shook her head vehemently making him jerk his head back with an "ouch!"

she buried her face in his chest and kissed him. then she hugged him close.

"you are not just good," he said, "you are the best, samjhi tum! the best thing that's happened to me... i can't live without you..."

the sand and the water and the clouds knew what he said was true.

part of arnav singh raizada still couldn't quite process this fact though. it was completely irrational... no, it was extra rational... outside the ambit of the rational. and he had never thought he would accept anything like that ever. but now he did. even though he didn't understand it.

khushi kumari gupta was still not totally convinced that she was not bad, she was also quite unsure as to why she felt such a strong sense of happiness at the very mention of his name, or even laad governor, magarmach, jwalamukhi, khadoos or rakshas. or why her hands were stroking his cheek, playing with his stubble right now. she was sure though that she had banged into an unyielding object one day and nothing had ever been the same from that moment. that sticky syrup all over his black shirt... hey devi maiyya, is that why she had made her jalebis all along? just to find this man she loved. khushi sighed again.

his breathing was growing ragged. he stood up without warning and pulled her after him till they reached a hammock nearby. he swung onto it and carried her up.

"make love to me, khushi!" he commanded with a serious look at her.

her eyes widened. out here in the open? what if someone saw them?

she nipped his neck anyway. she let her fingers roam over his chest, his hips, his navel anyway. she lay by his side and pulled his hand to her breast anyway. when he cupped her breast and took her hand and put it on the waistband of his shorts, she didn't draw it away.

he decided he'd tell her later that he'd hired the entire place for their three days with each other. what was that silly thing called honeymoon anyway...

***


payal looked down all around from the top of the eiffel. she was smiling from ear to ear, her eyes had widened and she held akash's hand tightly. akash stood by her looking adoringly at her. had there ever been a prettier girl atop this celebrated tower? had a man ever felt happier here? this was paris and they were two lovers that's all... no names, no limits, no "nahin."

"nahin, amma, it's not cold..." payal said. akash's head jerked toward her. what?

payal was speaking to her mother on the phone he realised. akash lifted her hand and placed a warm kiss on the back of her palm.

"kya?" payal's voice wobbled, she shot akash a look that said don't do that. he kissed her palm instantly again.

"besharam!" payal mouthed the word without making any sound and pouted.

akash was sure at that moment, no happier man had ever stood and loved at 906 feet above paris.


***

"stop the car, arnav ji!" khushi said, an excitement in her voice.

"what!" asr slammed on the brakes without waiting for her to explain. she had not been feeling alright, perhaps something was bothering her again.

khushi jumped out of the car and went running to the side of the road, looking at the foliage there... she looked around the area, then came traipsing back, standing on his side of the suv and smiling up at him.

"yaad hai? don't you remember? it was here that you...? that you... that night? you know when we were coming back from the volcano?" khushi asked.

asr's lips began to curl. one side went up slowly. his eyes started that familiar swirl to a darker more dangerous cognac brown. crow's feet appeared at the corner of his eyes, eyes looking really rampantly amused.

"so you remember that night... hmmm?" he asked in a soft low whisper.

khushi felt her cheeks begin to flush.

"hmmm?" he repeated even softer than before.

khushi looked nervously down at her feet. her flip flops were new as was the rest of her ensemble. she was wearing a snug fitting red tank top with a billowing white voile shirt, the girl at the boutique had taught her how to wrap the aquamarine blue batik sarong around her waist. arnav ji had insisted that she try some beach clothes, she had demurred at first then given in. she had liked the look of those sarongs the staff at the resort wore.

asr leaned forward and peered at her, his lips pursing, his eyebrow shooting up, now openly teasing.

khushi turned and ran.

no sooner had she bolted, the suv door was flung open and a man in black trousers, black shirtsleeves and grey waistcoat, hair brushed back neatly gelled, leaped out. the chase began.

the volcano knew what the sand and water and sky also did. this was going to go on for a while. the frangipani whispered, yes a while... quite a while... something like forever.

my dear wonderful readers... this was yet another chapter that was not supposed to be there. but then khushi and asr are not about supposed to bes, they are the flight of our deepest imagination and longing, searching way beyond the limited, set, and pat. and finding dhakdhak resonating everywhere, especially where it is not supposed to... thank you, sohara, for saying let khushi try something other than her lovely churidars and thanks to each one of you who wanted a peak into bali. hope it was worth it. and now... that epilogue.

i am so glad the short story went into a half century chapter. thank you so so much. all of you... and kabootar. 

index

epilogue


 

without you: chapter 32

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

~~~ ee cummings ~~~

he stood at the doorway watching her. her eyes were dreamy yet they sparkled with merriment, or was it mischief, every now and then. but then back they went to another world where likely fairies and fauns lived and also rajkumars and their princesses.

it never ceased to astonish him or touch him that she could so easily move between worlds, completely comfortable talking to stars one minute, and making the bed or doing something equally mundane, the next. it was as if there were no walls, no limits, that separated the hard material sphere and a realm outside it, a realm made of memory, faith, trust, joy, and perhaps some hot crunchy jalebis.

he started to smile as he came to the last couple of words. it was a smile that usually made her heart skip several beats whenever she saw it. but right now she was too engrossed to notice.

the travelator on which she stood went round the exhibits in one continuous loop, most visitors to the tower of london stood on that moving walkway and gazed in astonishment, wonder, and maybe even with a touch of envy and covetousness at the dazzling, resplendent, utterly majestic array of the british crown jewels. crowns of queens and queen mothers, sceptres of kings and princes, stories of conquest and empire... royalty letting you know of its pomp and power.

magnificent gems glittered bright and glorious, placed with awe at the centre of a fabulous crown or the handle of an imperial sceptre, or studded onto a little princess's spoon.

there were diamonds the size of pigeon's eggs or larger, there were rubies, emeralds, sapphires and more. it was hard not to be moved by what one saw. and it possibly made the viewer quite completely forget that just a few hundred yards away was the not so towering tower where queens and princes and earls and viscounts and the powerful of the land were once beheaded.

khushi's eyes glittered, then she folded her hands and seemed to be praying to devi maiyya. this was possibly the fifth or sixth time she had gone around the exhibits. every time at a certain point, the transformation took place.

she suddenly peered closer, looked keenly, her eyes narrowed and  filled with khushi like emotions, not always easy to decipher. and then came the praying, lips also moved as she muttered under her breath.

just watching her, standing at the entrance to the hall, asr felt a lightness settle around his heart. it was saturday, he had a little time to take it easy, go out with khushi and show her some typical places tourists went to. then he frowned and wondered why in all these years he'd come to london he had never seen any of these things. london to him was always about work. about ar and its prospects. where it was important to have a base if one wanted to really make a mark in the world of fashion and luxury. he did not come here to see the buckingham palace or the london bridge or saint paul's or for that matter, the crown jewels. he went every day to the office and he worked and ran ar.

khushi was so immersed in her mysterious quest, she did not notice he'd stepped onto the travelator when the crowd started to thin. he had made sure he was right behind her, in fact. it was only when he slipped an arm around her waist from behind that she jumped up and glared back, now only anger shining in her eyes, lips tightened too.

"kya...!!!..." she started to yell when she realised she was staring straight into shimmery chocolate brown eyes.

(what!!)

dazzling brown actually, bright and glorious.

her words did an about turn and went and hit the back of her throat instead of coming out and slaying the offender. she stared, her knees beginning to feel a bit weak already. only one pair of eyes in the whole wide world had this intensity, this colour, this perfect clarity... and this dazzle.

and when he smiled that slightly baiting smile with the tiniest movement of his lips, his head bending closer, the eyes seemed to catch a dark light, and glinted with piercing brightness. devilish, provocative, made her dizzy every time.

"hey devi maiyya," she thought, "must just looking into arnav ji's eyes do this to me... and it's been two years, four months and two weeks already, isn't there any cure?!"

he grinned, the flash of white teeth acting immediately on her heart rate,  and slipped his other arm around her waist to pull her close. even through the layers of jackets and cardigans, she could feel his touch, his skin seemed to caress her back. she felt a breathlessness rise. her head stayed turned back looking at him, still.

"uh huh, won't you look at the diamonds and gem stones, khushi!" he was clearly teasing her, completely aware of the impact he had on her senses. that was exactly what he'd planned to have.

"tell me, what is so interesting here that you've been ignoring me all this time?" he nuzzled her neck, and pecked her lightly exactly where he knew she'd feel it the most, just where her collar bone ended and shoulder began. khushi shivered, hissing as she inhaled sharply. her stomach did a treacherous somersault and emptied out. a warmth spread across the soles of her feet.

"nn.. nahin toh..." she mumbled incoherently, tilting her neck and pressing back involuntarily against his lips. she could feel his stubble scratch her tender skin. she wished he could just pick her up and...

(nn... no not really...)

arms went around her knees and shoulder and the next instant she was aloft, arnav ji had picked her up, and he was smartly carrying her and stepping off the travelator!

"hey devi maiyya, how does he read my mind... does he also know what i thought..." khushi grabbed his collar and looked down, blushing.

his eyes moved lazily over her face recording her reactions, his smile went a bit more slanted, obviously intent on completely disorienting his wife.

khushi swallowed.

surviving this light, relaxed laad governor was becoming quite a task. what had happened to arnav ji? was he looking even more handsome than what she was used to, she thought again as she had several times ever since they'd come here? must be that long coat he wore, or something. yes, sometimes he wore a hat too. topi. she wanted to laugh and say funny things, but what she usually could manage was a choked gurgle. not very elegant.

she looked at his dark glossy hair fixedly now.

all sorts of burey khayal came to her head when she saw him, thoughts no one should read, yet she had a feeling he did. otherwise why did he tip his head to a side like that and smile at times.

(bad thoughts)

this was all getting to be too much.

first that koh-i-noor.

now him.

he kept walking with her in his arms.

"what were you looking at for so long, khushi? what were you thinking of?" he asked as he set her down when they had left the tower premises, but then kept holding her with an arm possessively slung around her middle, pulling her in slightly but firmly.

glad to have something to talk about and banish her bure khayal, she said, "that koh-i-noor," her eyes grew wide, "did you see it, arnav ji? how big, how beautiful it was? and now it is on the poor queen mother's crown... such a pretty crown. smaller but nicer..." she paused for a second, then rushed in, "soch rahe the kaise issey yahan se chori karein..."

(was thinking how would i steal it from here...)

asr started.

"that's why i was praying to devi maiyya and loking at it again and again. it's ours, na, why should it be here... haan?" she was giggling. obviously well aware by now that this was yet another fanciful thought of hers.

asr shook his head ruefully and caught hold of her hand, walking toward the tower bridge.

in her pale blue churidar with the mandatory gota and pompoms, a knee length quilted coat in ivory with fur trimmed collar, she had insisted it had to be fake of course, a fine tea rose pink cashmere scarf matching the pink trimmings on her churidar kurta, her hair tied in a neat little bun so she could pull on her hood whenever needed, she looked so pretty and from another time, he wondered what she'd say if he told her she reminded him of the heroines of those films maa and mami used to watch on tv whenever they visited delhi over the school holidays. all that was missing was a puffed up bouffant hair do and thick eyeliner on both lids.

he grinned at the thought and held her hand more tightly.

khushi snuggled up to him remembering how firm his hand had felt even that night, when he had turned around at sheesh mahal and gone straight back to where danger and death lurked.

she had not doubted him for an instant even then.

she rubbed her face against the smooth material of his trench coat, he looked down at her and gestured with his head for her to see what was before them.

they were at the railing of the bridge and the river thames lay below, in front and behind them. on either side was the city of london, graceful and sure, a sense of time and history wrapped in its known and not so well known buildings. steamers and speedboats went by. the greenish grey water swayed and moved, such a deep and wide river running across the heart of a city. it was a dull cloudy day, yet khushi thought it was beautiful.

when arnav ji smiled like that nothing very much else mattered.


***

she was standing on the steps of the temple, her heart gone blank, a buzzing sound in her ears. she could feel her cheeks burning, almost scorching. she knew that was a sign of anger coming on.

how could this be?

shyam ji was a married man!?!! he was anjali ji's husband?

khushi's head seemed to explode. was that pain or what was that feeling?

she had never been lashed by such a storm of emotions, all powerful and exceedingly brutal.

shock had given way to disbelief, then horror, disgust, even shame had come rushing. as she stared at him on the terrace of shantivan and finally the pieces fit together... why anjali ji's husband's voice had sounded familiar on the phone, why he would disappear whenever anjali ji came visiting, why both her fiance and anjali ji's husband had the same name...

why?

the simplest of answers really, because they were the same man.

khushi, who had always had a head for maths, whom babu ji trusted with all the accounts of the shop, had not worked out this simple equation.

her eyes widened as a wave of emotions swamped her while she stood at the terrace door. then she walked on jerky feet to the man who had wronged her and so many others and without thinking of anything, certainly not the consequences, she raised her hand and slapped him hard across the face.

without a word, she threw her ring at him and left the terrace, head held high.

it was only when she went inside that the full impact of what she had just discovered hit her. she could feel herself shaking from within and the more she tried to rush the more her legs felt leaden, dragging her down.

in a disoriented broken state, eyes swimming with tears, she sought safety and walked ahead, now head down, trying to hide her tears.

when he shouted, "what's wrong with you! can't you see where you are going!!" and she heard the sound of shattering glass, she realised she'd come to the poolside, where...

where usually arnav ji was to be found... working... on the plants or his laptop. but ever since that day...

when nothing had seemed to matter as he'd kissed her, when all she had wanted to do was be with him and let all sense cease. when, in the end, she had not been able to do that and had left him. and afterward he had come to her full of resentment and accusations...

they were both engaged, given to others, they had no place in each other's lives.

ever since that day... khushi had avoided him the best she could. she had been conscious of never coming to his part of the house. always alert... mindful, she did not want to feel things she was not supposed to.

then why, why today her feet had found their way here? why? again, khushi couldn't add things up and come to a straight simple answer.

shaken, she sat down to pick up the pieces of the coffee cup she'd broken when she dashed into him. her hands shook, her tears blurred her vision. she kept herself from whimpering. she told herself she had no right to throw herself on his wide solid chest and cling to him, screaming and asking why, why, this had to happen.

she could not let his arms wrap around her and lay her head on his shoulder and feel taken care of, safe.

she could not cry into his warm comforting body and tell him to make it alright, never let her feel like this again.

she did not have the right to do any of that. he belonged to another.

at the thought, more tears came flowing.

"khushi?" his voice had lost all edge, tender and gentle it was and he knelt by her side peering at her. her tears glittered and shone. the evening sun sent sharp slanted rays to refract in them and make them bright and dazzling.

he had caught her by the shoulders and made her stand.

"what's the matter? ro kyun rahi ho?" he had asked.

(what's the matter? why are you crying?)

"who has hurt you?" he had persisted, when she kept quiet, "was it..." then suddenly his eyes had changed colour, his voice gone flat, "was it your fiance? tell me, did he do anything to you?"

khushi had stared at asr speechless. what could she tell him? that his sister's husband was her fiance? he was the man she had been engaged to till five minutes back? no. her very being shuddered at the thought. it would break to smithereens anjali ji's life.

and arnav ji? her eyes searched his face. no. she couldn't bear to hurt him. not him. he may be another's but she could not hurt him.

he had gotten more frantic. his voice had gone up, his hold on her tightening, eyes reflected the spectre of uncomfortable, terrible thoughts.

"tell me, what has he done... has he hurt you, khushi?" asr had not been able to control the fury entering his voice, his being, at the very thought of anything untoward happening to her. anything... wrong.

but khushi had said nothing, and then suddenly she'd turned and left swiftly, refusing to look back when he called out.

she had left in a hurry from shantivan, the family was in the midst of a havan and she had been able to escape without much fuss. she had walked around blindly for a while and then gone where she always went when nothing in this world seemed right, when she needed solace and strength.

she had gone to her devi maiyya's temple. it was a wonderful chance, or perhaps not, that just as back home in lucknow, here too, near bua ji's house there was a beautiful temple dedicated to the goddess.

her prayers were half way through when the calls started to come. and after she had rung off many times and still arnav ji refused to give up, she had answered him.

"how dare you!" he had shouted, sounding all too familiar, "how dare you disconnect my calls?!"

she had said nothing.

"khushi?! are you okay? where are you?" he had asked, maybe his voice was gentler but she was too tired, too beaten to notice.

she had still said nothing.

"you won't tell me?" why did he have to sound like that? again her tears had threatened to come. "tum theek ho?" he had asked softly. she had swallowed, mumbled and put the phone down.

(are you alright?)

now she stood on the steps of the temple. again assailed by the unbelievable situation, the stark horror of it, the subterfuge and sheer menace at its core. how could this be? shyam ji, who had been practically thrust upon her by her well meaning aunt, whom she had agreed to marry only because her babu ji seemed to want it, who she thought was her friend, even if she didn't love him and she felt maybe friendship would be the foundation on which she would build a relationship she had accepted the burden of having... shyam ji, who had saved her all those months ago at the bhoolbhulaiya, who had helped her get her job in delhi... who was always unfailingly kind and concerned for her... unlike the man she had just left and come... how could shyam ji who was so well spoken and who adhered to the best ideas of their tradition, how could he be such a lowdown unspeakable cheat?

how?

how could he be married and that too to anjali ji!

khushi closed her eyes, she wanted to throw up, her whole body jerked as she retched. why was she feeling so dizzy suddenly? was she going to pass out?

she felt arms gather her just as she would have fallen on the steps.


***

they both stood by the river lost in thought, their hands were linked, fingers playing unconsciously, saying things that words are not able to.

"arnav ji?" khushi said looking out into the distance as the light dimmed and in the horizon a streak of red separated earth and sky. and lights started getting turned on here and there, in homes, on the streets, on the bridges over thames.

"hmmm?" he was loath to let the silence go. he hadn't been enveloped in a silence like this in years. perhaps never. yes, his world had gone silent one day and there were very few words in it for a long long time. but not a silence such as this.

he put his arm around her shoulder and drew her to him. the water was shimmering darkly now... had he ever felt this peace before?

"do you think they knew?" khushi asked.

he had no problem understanding what she was trying to say.

"perhaps not in a way we 'know' but in another way... the way..." his voice stopped and he seemed to look for the right words. he swallowed as he thought of maa. she seemed to have melted and dissolved into every breath and space and atom around him. she was a presence in his heart, a voice in his mind, a sound of kangans, and endless peace... he kept quiet. this time he noticed he didn't hear the gun shots.

"yeah, i think they knew," khushi smiled and looked at the first stars appearing in the firmament. her mother was there, somewhere... and no, no one could really hurt her... never.

she sent a longing glance at a star that felt familiar. his fingers on hers tightened as if he knew exactly what she was feeling. some day, she thought, i will tell our kids about how ajeeb their father is, and how much love this khadoos laad governor had brought into their mother's life.

"hey devi maiyya!" she yelped no sooner had she thought that. her eyes became large circles as her lips went into the "o" formation, her eyebrows leapt up on her forehead, and her hands flew to cover her mouth...

"yeh humne kya socha!" she shrieked.

(what was this i thought!)

asr looked at her, eyes dancing. why had he imagined there might be any silence around his wife. futile thought.

"what's the matter, khushi? calm down..." he was struggling not to laugh. the drama never abated, not an iota, with this pagal he loved.

"calm down?! kaise calm down!" she said with a frantic look and several quick gulps.

(calm down? how to calm down?)

children... she had been thinking of children?!! and that too while looking at the stars.

"come, let's go get some dinner," asr said cutting into her thoughts. but this time even food couldn't divert her mind. imagine little little laad governors running around... she shut her eyes tight.


***

she had almost fallen upon him at the poolside. and then when he'd asked her what was wrong, she had left in a rush without saying much... in fact, without saying a word.

asr was well aware she was avoiding him. he had not wanted to meet her too. ever since that day... when he'd heard she had agreed to marry someone.

she was engaged.

the words had unsettled him instantly. ripping through him. how could she?! then he had remembered lavanya. a commitment. no, he was not a free man. yet it bothered him. bothered him so much to think of khushi with anyone.

asr's lips tightened, his body grew tense. why was she in that state. was it that man? anger climbed up the back of his neck, his ears and reached the pulse beating at his temples. it throbbed. he could feel himself lose his grip. he wanted to find this man and straighten him out. how dare he... had he done anything to her?

but then her face floated up before him. so lost. so untethered.

khushi.

where was she? he must find her. he picked up his phone and started calling her. no answer. then she disconnected his calls.

what the. how dare she! he made several more attempts. finally she picked up the phone."how dare you!" he shouted, "how dare you disconnect my calls?!"

she said nothing.

he tried to talk to her more calmly then... all he wanted was to know she was alright. why it mattered he had no idea, but he knew he had to make sure she was.

she said nothing... and then in the silence he could hear a sound begin to pour in.

temple bells.

she was at the temple.

was it the temple near her house? she had pointed it out to him once long back. then he thought, why should he bother, she had not even spoken to him throughout. not a word.

he paced up and down in his room for a few minutes. but this need to see her, to hold her and soothe her assailed him. he shook his head exasperatedly and threw the phone on the bed.

he walked out onto the poolside and stood for a moment looking up at the sky... bright sunlight, yet there was a sense of darkness.

he swiveled around and strode back to his bed, snatched up the phone, picked up his car keys and went swiftly out of the house.

he had no idea if this was the right temple, but he drove there anyway without wasting any time.

he parked and was crossing the road when he saw her. she was standing on the steps at the entrance and she seemed to be confused. then she put a hand on her head and started to sway... he had no idea how fast he ran when he saw that.

if she fell she would hit hard stone floor. he had to catch hold of her before that. a car narrowly missed him as he ran across the road, the driver called him some unprintable name. asr didn't even seem to hear.

khushi.

he had to get to her.

she was about to let go when he reached her, his arms already extended to catch her. she collapsed in a pliant heap on him, the impact of her body making him fall back a bit, then he steadied himself and looked down at her. she looked so pale and fragile lying there in his arms. and tears... a whole cluster of them clung to her eyelashes.

a sharp jag of pain glanced through his body, his heart seemed to feel its impact. he went down the steps and to the suv with her. when he made her sit on the passenger seat and put on the seat belt, she lay there limp, not responding. he got into his seat and was about to start driving when he caught sight of her wan face again. he had to stop.

he leaned over and gently touched his lips to her closed eyelids where the tears glistened on dark lashes.

salt got left back on his lips.

he licked his lips in reflex. he could taste her tears there. and he did not like the feeling at all.

why should khushi be in this state? why should she cry?

he put his arms around her and kissed her tenderly on the lips.

"don't worry," he murmured... "it will be okay."

he drove to her place, when they reached and she was still not awake, he  carried her inside.

she called much later that evening and thanked him for taking her home. he knew what was between them was perhaps gone, never to return, he was angry with her for saying yes to someone, and yet he felt happy she had called.


***

it was a beautiful restaurant. one of london's trendiest. gordon ramsay's new place and the food was interesting and different. the well known chef of the rather foul tongue had been to south east asia earlier in the year on a quest to master the most popular dishes of the highly food oriented people in that part of the world.

he had come back recharged and wildly enthusiastic about new tastes and textures. here in his new restaurant he explored that in a menu splashed with exotic fusion combinations of south east asian hawker food and popular western dishes.

asr had heard a lot about the restaurant and had had aman reserve a place from them the moment he decided to come here with khushi. she would enjoy it he was sure...

he had a bite of his crab cake flavoured with singapore pepper crab spices and looked at khushi.

she was picking at her delicate looking pesto sauce and laksa noodles which had come plated in a large platter with a tiny little mound of pasta  arranged prettily right at the centre, lots of empty white plate all around.

khushi had started out looking thrilled, then her expression had slipped to one of stoic acceptance.

when she saw him gazing at her, she smiled brightly and said, "very nice, pata nahin kitne saarey masala hai iss mein, must be very hard to make..."

(very nice, i wonder how many different spices there are in this. must be very hard to make...)

asr finished his food while khushi struggled. when he was done, he called for the bill without checking if she wanted anything else.

she had not enjoyed the pasta, but she had finished it nonetheless, she hated wasting food. she was so looking forward to a large dessert to fill the gaping hole in her stomach, but arnav ji seemed to be in a hurry, maybe he was tired, so she kept quiet.

they were in the car going back and she was talking about all sorts of things... the buckingham palace which she had seen just that morning, st paul's cathedral which was so pretty, and yes peaceful and the koh-i-noor. oh how shining and beautiful was that... when she noticed instead of turning left at one point, he veered right.

"arnav ji, that's not the way home!" she warned.

"i know..." he smiled slightly. he liked it when she called his little pad, home.

soon they had reached picadilly and he turned into regent's street and found parking.

he got out and came around to her side; when she looked at him bewildered he grabbed her hand saying, "come!"

a short walk and a turn into a little lane later, they were going up a plush carpeted staircase, khushi read a nameplate somewhere along the way that said veeraswamy's.

huh? what was this? a door swung open, a smiling man, he looked indian, in a dark jacket, said, "good evening, mr raizada, do come in, so you are in london again? pease, madam... this way!"

they were ushered to a secluded table overlooking the street. khushi looked around nonplussed yet excited. it was an indian restaurant!

arnav ji had already got the attention of a waiter and completely ignoring the menu, he had started to order, "get us vegetable biriyani, boondi raita, kashmiri aloo dum, matar paneer, dal tadka, naan, and some hot gulab jamuns with icecream for dessert... and... some gajar halwa also." khushi was gaping at him.

the waiter looked pleased and was beginning to turn away when asr called out, "oh yes, before i forget," he gave a whimsical smile, "a plate of golgappa, make the water really spicy."

khushi almost fell off her chair at that.

golgappa?

in this land of pasta, salad, sandwich, soup?

she looked at asr, tears of joy almost coming to her eyes.

"khushi," he laughed and flicked her nose, "is it necessary to cry at everything?"


***

it was sunday morning. and today the sun was shining bright. not a hint of grey anywhere. the colours of the trees and sky were true and fresh. church bells could be heard in the distance. there was a crisp energy in the air. a picture perfect day almost.asr was having a shower while khushi went about making the bed, opening the curtains, getting something on for breakfast. mrs higgs wouldn't be coming in today, she would go shopping with her tomorrow, khushi decided. they needed vegetables, eggs, bread butter, flour, oil, sugar, everything.

she would make arnav ji a nice cheese paratha now, he would grumble about the oiliness but eat it anyway and khushi was sure he thoroughly enjoyed it too.

as she ran about the apartment putting things in order, she hummed  a song. he had just come out after a bath wearing only his large white bath towel tucked around his waist, and he was looking at his shirts, lingering while he listened to her voice.

she rarely sang like that, but whenever she did, he heard quietly, a funny kind of happiness stealing into him.

and then she screamed.

"khushi!" he was shouting her name and running out to the sitting room at the same time. what was wrong?

he found her standing frozen by the window.

she seemed to be okay. he breathed a sigh of relief and walked over. "what's the matter?" he asked.

she turned around and saw him, and shrieked again.

her eyes moved from his face down his long neck, flaring collarbones, down his tapering chest all the way to where his towel rested on his slim, slightly flaring hips, then she looked up hurriedly, trying not to look at his sinuous flowing arms. he had stopped when she shrieked, now he started to walk toward her...

"what's there? why are you...?" he was about to look out of the window when she drew the curtain hastily and pulled him away, "nahin!" her voice was a bit panicky, "don't look there..."

(no!)

"why?" he was completely puzzled now.

"nahin, woh!" she mumbled. she was flushed, her cheeks had gone pink. he watched wondering what the matter was. then her eyes fell on his chest, the springy hair that grew from just below his neck all the way down to his navel and she looked away again and turned a fairly bright fuchsia pink.

uff, khushi, she thought to herself, again bure khayal. and what was that outside!

while she pondered and looked bothered, he peeked out quickly to see what had got her so frazzled.

right below, on the open deck of the house next door, a young woman lay on a chaise longue wearing a straw hat, large sunglasses, a tiny little bikini bottom and nothing else. she was sunbathing, so what it was november and rather chilly. her bare breasts were visible to the skies above and everybody who cared to see from the buildings all around.

asr's shoulders shook with laughter, he turned to look at his horrified wife's face, now fully understanding what had put her in this state.

then as he looked at her, he felt a rush of pure, absolute desire come and overtake him. he started to move, walking deliberately toward her.

she was watching him from under her lashes and as he came closer, she could sense something was different. she had this uncontrollable feeling that made her take one step back, then another...

he kept walking toward her anyway... completely engrossed now, his eyes on hers, his gait slightly menacing. the towel swayed as he moved, a regal slowness to it.

asr could feel the skin on his back tingling and a need surging through him his entire body. as she felt her back hit the wall and stopped looking at him helplessly, he walked over and put his hands on the wall on either side of her head, trapping her, looking down at her with a measured half smile.

why must eyes shine like that, she thought, and tried not to quiver too much... she, in fact, made the mistake of lifting her chin slightly in defiance.

he swooped down that very moment and took her lips in a swift hard kiss. she felt a stab of pain as his teeth bit into her inner lip. and then strangely, instead of feeling hurt, she was excited. she swallowed hard...

his breathing had become short and his hands urgent. he dragged her to him and stumbled over to the sofa falling upon it, their arms and legs entangled. he heaved himself up over her for an instant and whipped the towel off him, flinging it away.

khushi felt his body slam against hers as he lay naked over her. her hands went up to his back. smooth taut skin that khushi loved to touch. she ran her fingers all the way down the groove of his spinal cord, to his hips. she held him there and moved closer, her body now alive and wanting him.

he sat up all of a sudden and helped her take her clothes off. neither of them spoke. it didn't matter to her it was the sitting room. there was no time to think of such things. only an absorption, a driving need, a gnawing in the gut, and a joy in touching, in stroking, in nudging, in holding, in pushing, in arching, in screaming, in falling, in heaving.

they lay together in each other's arms entwined, oblivious to anything but each other... and the morning went by.

aman had tried to call many times, an important buyer, mr yosel sassoon wanted to invite sir and khushi bhabi for dinner the next evening. seemed sir was not available to take a call today.

index

chapter 33