khushi, talk to me.

don't you ever!... ever!... do this to me again. 

samjhi tum! 
(d'you understand!)

pata hai kab se phone baja raha hoon main! tumne phone kyun nahin uthaya! kitna pareshan ho gaya tha main...!!
(do you know for how long i have been calling! why didn't you pick up the phone! i was so worried...!)

a funny, worried pause, a silence. what did that say. oh, how much it said... and then almost tenderly, in a tone this matter of fact, angry young man rarely uses, with an urgency...


 khushi! khushi, talk to me... 

tum theek ho?!
(are you okay?!)

 

and when she, instinctively, understood the meaning of that silence, that tone, he denied it of course, and she let it go without perhaps even noticing what she had understood... 

fikar ki baat nahin hai... mera matlab... itna sara kaam baki hai tum achanak kaise jaa sakti ho...
(it's not about being concerned... i mean... there's so much work to be done, how can you leave suddenly!)

 right here somewhere was murmuring a call from days later...

mujhe laga...
(i thought...)

do you even know what i'm going through!!

pata ha kitna pareshan tha main!
(d'you know how worried i was!) 

mujhe laga ki... mujhe laga maine tumhe kho diya!
(i thought that... i thought that i lost you!)

aur tum yahan! tum yahan cha-...
(and you're here... you're here eating gra-...)

agar uss ambulance main tum hoti toh??
(if you'd been there in that ambulance??)

what if i lost you!

episode 141 two conversations
episode 178 a voice in the night
hello love : a vm
 

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a scene from 178

after a long long time, went and saw the scene. i wasn't sure if it would get me again. i almost looked for flaws, for moments where i could detect the disconnect. at one point i almost thought i did. so i went back and watched again and felt myself go slightly crazy once more. don't know if it was a good thing or bad but most of the night went making caps and editing and hearing the voices again... what if i lost you... aapko kya faraq padta hai... where the hell were you.

episode 178 a voice in the night

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what if...

what if i lost you?!

suddenly the words passed through my mind leaving a trail of memories and yearning behind. and a grazed slightly torn thing inside. wind blowing over it, carrying the hurt about in the night. once it meant the night, all of it. and the finding of rare and precious things just sitting there. a reminder of life. of why it does make a difference. i take a slow breath. it still hurts. did i lose you?










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episode 178 a voice in the night

what if i lost you?

a head falling weightless to the steering wheel after seeing someone. a deep breath finally taken, a saans. an anger returning as large as the relief. a walk, a hand reaching out even before touching distance is achieved, an arched back, a face thrust forward, two hands gripping a dear dear face. eyes relentlessly searching, hungry. a voice ringing out in the night.

who is this you he could not lose?

the you he'd held out his arms for one night, his eyes had seen her trembling lips.

the you who made him stop and stare and let music enter his life.

the you he'd hugged in the rain.

 the you he'd looked back at in a storm.

 the you he'd caressed without knowing why.

the you he'd carried home.

 the you who accused him.

the you who galvanised him.

the you he couldn't stop thinking of through the day.

the you he called out to in his sleep.

 the you who'd amused him.

the you he'd left alone in the dark, only to regret.

 the you he had so wanted to hold.

 the you wrapped in fairy lights.

the you whom he wanted.

the you he had berated.

 the you he had to tie when she tried to leave.

the you he'd hurt.

 the you he'd hurt with.

the you whom he'd yelled at saying she meant nothing at all.

the you he had dragged to him.

the you he had said faraq padta hai kyunki to.

the you he had danced with.

the you he'd kissed.

the you he had claimed.

 

the you who made him feel so lost.

what if he lost you.

as though the whole story of love got told in that one violent, vehement, exclamation on a dark road. a plea in it, a declaration too. don't leave me ever, i can't live without you. this point on that part of the story will be told, there will be a "khushi" connecting heartbeats, a silent near death by a terrace treacherous, madness, mayhem, even hate... yet the journey will go inexorably to the subtext of "what if i lost you?"

don't ever leave me. main tumhare bina ji nahin paaoonga.

this was the moment of the whole episode for me. in it, brilliant writing and acting and everything. a certain sophistication not expected in a not too high budget tv serial. not just because of the suv and a dapper man in gray, or a lovely young woman with not at all typical indian looks doing an indian middle class girl. just in that moment... in the body language of the actors, in the grain in the voice, in the silence around, in the night... what a way to bring things to a head.

arnav singh raizada is terrified of losing people he loves. so much, he has decided he will not love again. yes, the betrayal by his father was crucial in coming to this decision. but the behemoth hurt that a young heart felt when he lost his maa, the crushing force of it, perhaps that's why a young boy said... it was better not to love... better not to lose anyone. again.

yet, whether he calls it love or not, it has come to open his heart and live there. the pearl has come to the ocean and gather it close he must. his very existence, his ebb and flow his high and low depend on it.

just that she has no idea why he panics so, and if he does why doesn't he tell her the reason for it. somewhere from that first fall she too had gotten involved in feelings she can't fathom. they're deep, they're mysterious, they are faintly frightening, so she uses her little ploys to keep it all at bay. why can't she hate this man who has hurt her so much? he kisses her with right. what right does he have really? yet she can't stop him... or even create a scene. all she can do is run away in utter confusion and excitement and hear her dhakdhaks. her first kiss.

then he protects her, ties her dori, yet the next minute says, she and nk make a perfect pair. both half mad and half clumsy! yet look at him staring at her like that. she has no idea why he fears losing someone so much, that she will begin to understand much later. she needs to know why he says what he says, why he worried so much, why he looks at her like that. why that "mujhe laga... maine tumhe kho diya," breaks her heart with its fear, its love.

yes, love, she does feel it somewhere in the night, in his eyes, his hands grabbing her, jerking her close, shaking her at every sentence, she feels it and she needs to hear it from the man who'd said she means nothing at all.

she doesn't make a difference to him.

she has been through too much...

"mujhe laga... mujhe laga maine tumhe kho diya..." i thought, i thought i'd lost you, he's choking with fear.

he grabs back his anger. "aur tum yahan... tum yahan... cha..."

she's terrified by this sudden appearance and barrage of gussa... her lips move but no words form them... she has no idea what she wants to tell him.

fabulous emotions, swirling breaking rising crashing, the many many many avatars of love.
he can't hold himself back any more, his whole body arches as he thrusts forward and takes her head in his hands...

he's falling apart... "agar uss ambulance mein tum hoti toh?..." if you were in that ambulance...
"what if i lost you...!" his voice flies again, into the night, not caring who hears who doesn't.
the unthinkable hangs between them. the music ends... just him and her, he is still cradling her head, needing her so much, she is holding on to her chana.

unable to take this tension, this unstated right, this whole feeling any more, she pushes his hands away with a swift violent movement.

she steps back, "agar aisa hua bhi hota... toh... hamara hi accident hota... aapko kya faraq padta hai?"
and if such a thing had happened, so what? i'd have had an accident. what difference does it make to you?

she so needs to know.

he looks at her enraged and in disbelief... "faraq nahin padta? of course, faraq padta hai, dammit!" doesn't make a difference, of course it does, dammit.

an aggressive, consuming anger.

she wants answers. now. "kyun? faraq kyun padta hai..." why? why does it make a difference?
"kyunki..." because! and that day of the engagement ring returns. then too he'd stopped here, completely taken aback. not sure, not being able to see what's happening.

the music returns to fill the silence.

she looks at him seeking an answer he cannot give. he takes a couple of steps back. breaks eye contact... looks away. rabba vey.

khushi walks ahead of him to the suv and before he can open the door, gets in and slams the door shut.

he watches her in her huff from the outside... tender music reflecting a flow of feelings unrestrained...
he's relieved, happy, concerned, wanting to take care and yet angry still, the agony still not all drained. or so it seems to me.

he walks stylishly around the car and gets in... looks at her, long and considering, fixes his belt... eyes on her. she sits looking straight ahead, angry. why is he not saying the word.

as his music comes on... he drives off. this strained lovers' tiff like atmosphere. heat building. needs to resolve, there must be a fight or an intense love making or both.

"khushi, tumhari seat belt..." khushi, your seat belt...
 
she is ignoring him of course. haven't i been to this place before. haven't you?

he stops the car to make sure the belt is on,

"khushi, tumse kitni baar kahna padega apni seat belt pahno... khushi, jab main tumse baat kar raha hoon toh..." khushi, how many times must i tell you to put on the belt... when i'm talking to you...

she moves her dupatta and shows the belt. passive aggression. i like. needed i guess to balance the fire breathing dragon type in one's life.

she's looking at her bangles, so happy. he watches her struggle... little mean asr smile...
"toh nk ko tumhare kalai ka size bhi nahin pata..." so nk doesn't know your wrist size... oh he's delighted, no one can do things the way asr does you see.

"kamse kam churiya kharidne ka khayal toh aaya unhe... aah!" at least he bought them... aah!
he slams on the breaks, looking at her, a rush in him...

glass lodged in her arm.

he loses his cool instantly... "pagal ho gayi ho tum... agar tumhe pata tha churi tumhari size ki nahin hai toh pahni kyun... dammit, tumhe kuch ho jata toh, tumhari nas kat jaati toh..."

are you mad? if you knew the bangles weren't the right size, why are you wearing them? dammit, if something had happened to you? if you'd cut your vein?

again that "what if i lost you?"

exasperated she says, "toh kya ho jata!" so what would have happened!

two other thoughts on this episode.

significant things happen to them often on the road. many realisations, many milestones here. apart from economy as roads don't cost the earth to set up, is the journey metaphor a reason for this? or is it just... just like that.

the yellow parts and the blue parts... one was all about an individualistic state of being. the other about being a part of a whole, a society, where the individual recedes and social norms are in command. a girl with a broken wedding is a massive issue. a scene such as was executed by the desperate manorama is possible. no one screams and says, i'll do what i think is right, i'll marry whom i please. certainly not akash. and payal takes it to another extreme with her decision not to marry if sasuma doesn't want it. only one person in this entire lot has the streak of individualism her grandson proudly bears. nani ji. so she is the one who resolves everything and gets mano to agree because she believes this marriage is good for her other grandson. there was a questioning of this "group" oriented behaviour throughout ipk. creators definitely believed in individualism that considers the group but is not dominated by it, nor submerged. khushi initially was like that too... otherwise how would asr fall for her. but once the deed was done, ah, now let's make her into just a role, forget the individual.

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