i liked what and how he felt for lavanya. there was no disrespect in it,
none. and you see that very thing so often, when it comes to an
independent girl who takes decisions about her own life, earnings,
sexuality herself. in fact, if anything, he respected lavanya. found
something in her that was like him.
having seen all he had and that
fractious broken relationship of his parents, having felt the ache of
losing his mother which he just couldn't deal with, he had gone into a
shell, backed away from romantic notions of love, even marriage. yet he
was adult and intelligent enough to know, he would want a relationship,
just that he wasn't looking for one that took over his life. one where
there was affection and desire and yes, respect, but no expectation of a
lifetime of love and commitment, such as marriage...
and that was what he felt he could have with lavanya.
he liked her, he valued her, but no, he didn't have that swamping
emotion for her, one that took over your mind and inundated your heart.
and got settled deep in all of you.
not being involved with her from
those parts of us that spell love, he didn't pick on the fact that she
had crossed the limits they had both perhaps set for their relationship,
the boundaries... that she was crossing over to the side of... love.
one of the best scenes and most complex that i have ever seen must be
the one where he rails at lavanya for her bride on the bed tactic, and
when he says, yeah, he didn't care for her that's why he brought her to
live with him, in his home.
and the other... that moment, where he
realises, no matter how much he may value lavanya, how much he has done
the right thing by her, how both of them had wanted the same thing, but
at this moment what he is doing, how he is feeling about khushi, all
that confused, extreme response to her... he is not really doing the
right thing by lavanya.
the story of asr and la could have been
written in a million different ways. i am so glad it was done the way it
was. true to both their characters. it showed a beautiful flow of
feelings in a girl who never really had planned for it and how it
gradually made her understand things... grow up... find more of herself.
and it told me so many things about this dashing, handsome, clever, cool, deep, clean hearted, sahi, and vulnerable man.
episode 47 saansey ruk jaygi
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saansey ruk jaygi episodes
episode rambles
fanfiction
he's sleeping, it's early morning... and "aaj se hi tum meri zindagi sa nikal jao..." his words to her play back, leave my life from this very day... she's
walking away... he's on the other side of the temple, leaving her.
forever.
eyes open, he starts and jumps up... "khushi?" again
that different cadence to a name. today it's a question, a first
thought, a where are you? she's so on his mind. all that go away forever
yet the heart doesn't listen. in your sleep the truth is clear.
and it's di yelling at him, her little bhai dooj drama. rather sweet.
"di, what the hell," (aw the "hell").
but
to go back to that dream, this has happened before. the day she'd told
him in a closed, stirred storeroom that she was leaving for lucknow,
forever. hamesha ke liye. perhaps the first time hamesha had entered
their moment.
episode 118 started on a note echoing the one we we ended 47 on:
he lay there in deep sleep. then her voice. she's going... forever. no, you can't go like that... khushi, khushiii.
he jerked up and sat upright in bed. shallow erratic breathing.
why do i feel you in the pit of my stomach. why do i want to go where you lead me. listen to me, will yoy?
doesn't
he, like many of us, take his innermost thoughts and fears and desires
to his dreams, his nightmares? that recurrent memory of di's wedding
day, a woman running, shehnai, and "maa." the thought of separation
from the one most loved. his mother. haunts his sleep often.
and
now at the mere thought of being separated from khushi, the fear laced
with a wish, a want, a need is stalking him behind closed eyes. i felt
at some place the sudden loss of ma and the sense of parting with khushi
had a similar sensation. not consciously or clearly. but both felt like
a terrifying terrible thing. the intensity of losing his mother is no
doubt much keener, but the emotions evoked by the two partings are
alike.
without our knowing, sometimes people become more
extremely important to us. they become part of life. habit. even when we
tell them to go away and never show face, we think that's not going to
happen, they'll always be there. hamesha. then the dream shows
otherwise. with ma, he knows there's no hope, she's gone. but with
khushi?
"khushi bitiya agar aadat hai, toh hum aisan umeed karat
hai ki aisan acchhi aadat harek ko pade..." nani is wise and her
sentence: if khushi is a habit, then may everyone get a habit like
this... a sweet hint from writers that someone is becoming someone's
habit.
and like all good habit owners, he is trying his best to
kick it... failing miserably. looking more and more angry. now if a
grown man didn't look so cute disgruntled and rude with a red tika and
stubble, might have been easy not to let such an aadat form.
"enough
di, please..." an outburst. "stop it... bahut ho gaya khushi khushi...
why don't you guys understand ki woh ja chuki hai..." how he rants...
she's gone, why don't you guys get it...
too much protest? all taken aback.
then
di's words chill him to his gut. sometimes you don't know whom you're
meeting for the last time and after they leave you realise how wrong you
were.
he stands there riveted to that thought. di storms out, her anger is real this time, the others leave too. at last he can close his eyes, swallow...
in
the meantime, khushi has decided to start teaching kids maths and hindi
and earn some money. di and gang have mounted a campaign to bring her
back to rm. and akash ji has come to lakshminagar to acquire a gift for di... for next year's bhai dooj. payal ji.
bhaji gali love, done.
diya stall love, done.
now auto rikshaw love. while the other two are doing suv hate.
nice
contrast, creatives. the sweet love and the khadoos killer type love.
no need to guess which is clearly aspirational, unless of course you
have a thing for three wheelers. have to say, the auto driver's brusque
get on with it was funny.
khushi has been
tricked into returning to rm. her three champs are doing their "sab
darama" to convince her, while mami ji wonders what the. khushi enters and nani ji and la start.
360
degree pans as the two women scream and "fight". a mysterious "galati,"
mistake, it's cause. so what is the problem, a harried, concerned
khushi asks, which book does la know nothing about?
di says,
bhagwat gita... nani says, ram charit manas. to cover up the faux pas,
nani yells, even mano baby knows it... "aur toh aur manorama ko bhi ee
sab ka gyan hai..." manorama is ready to pass out at this... "humka?"
me? she clearly knows nothing. another insight into the raizada
essential tolerance and open mindedness, despite all the daughters in
law need to know this and that talk and the endless poojas and festivals.
a place for new thought and different ways exists here. somewhere a
recognition of each to his own. a little irritation, leg pulling,
discord amongst fam members every now and then, but no real interference
with one's right to be who they want to be. sadly la seemed to have
pressed all the wrong buttons, not just one, and so this stringent "get
with the programme" regimen she had to go through. but even that was
made easier once nani sensed there was a good, wholesome, loving girl in
there somewhere.
a lovely imbroglio, set up to get madam khushi dream stalker back. well written, well acted, dum (kick) in it.
finally mami gets it. phew.
as khushi goes to get some oil for the lamp, the music, feelings, where is he, thank g he isn't around. really?
"where
the hell is my..." storm strides in. stops. just like that other day,
when he knew she was here and how he'd shouted even then. rakhi.
bhai
dooj today. sisters brothers and their love and hopes for the each
other, on two days significant for this relationship, a sister's wish
for her brother seems to be coming closer.
she was walking along light and happy, when that wind got to her too.
..............................
ahamiyat and bandagement episodes
episode rambles
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hume
aapki koi baat nahin sunni... nafrat hai na aap ko hum se hamari aukat
se... hamari shakal dekhna nahin chahte hain na aap... toh khush ho
jaaiye... kyunki hum aapki nazron se hamesha ke liye door ja rahein hain... lucknow ja rahein hain hum... hamesha ke liye.
i don't want to lsten to anything you have to say... you hate me and my station in life, right?... you don't want to see my face?... then be happy... because i am going far away from your gaze forever... i am going to lucknow... forever.
khushi!
i
hear him calling her name out in the guest house. and in his sleep. on a
hastening heartbeat. in an aching store room. a cliff top. by a pool.
across distance. and today it echoed deep within. dare i say it... in
his heart. if you listened carefully you'd hear it. her name on his lips
had a different sound. there was a different bite in it. as though he
exhaled on her name, as though he wanted to draw her in the next
instant. and never let go.
tragedy at a young age had taught him
to keep his heart far from hurt in a place impenetrable. thick walls of
indifference had been put up to protect the tenderness within.
unemotinality was the quest, its holy grail. the fort of faraq nahin
padta.
and it had succeeded in keeping all out. until she came.
but
now that she had said what she had. now that she was leaving. forever.
hamesha ke liye. before he could tell her what he'd been wanting to
these past few days. something he had to. now he just couldn't take his
mind off those words. again she'd lashed out in hurt and pain and hit
him hard. the first time it was in his home: to hell with you and your
job, also aspersions on his character; he was callous, uncaring,
capable of sending someone to danger, even mortal danger, merely to win a
bet. he hadn't said a word then. he'd wanted to say something ever
since.
and now she was going away, he'd never see her shakal, the
face that roamed his mind free, breaking barriers, entering hidden
corners and niches. it felt like a blow to the gut, even worse than all
those insults that day. thoughts of her cascaded. he was handing her her
dupatta, looking away, mindful of her awkwardness without that
essential piece of garment... she was crying, how that bothered him...
and then the most difficult one, she's saying she's...
if you go away on this summer's day, then you might as well take the sun away...
he
stood their unable to extricate himself from his thoughts, the most
delicate and touching music wrapped around them, there was no anger,
just a float into a place he couldn't resist. if i didn't know all i
knew of him and that hard exterior he presented to the onlooker, i'd say
he was bereft. and this did bother him. for survival depended on that
faraq nahin padta. if he let things matter, he'd finally get hurt.
"jaa
rahi hai toh... mujhe kyun faraq pad raha hai. sochna nahin chahta
bhoolna chahta hoon fir baar baar ussika khayal kyun aa raha hai?"
if
she's going, why does it make a difference to me? don't want to think,
just want to forget, then why her thoughts again and again?
he's
sounding vulnerable, weary almost, worn down by this power of hers over
him. he is most unused to this. he doesn't want it. yet, faraq padta
hai. he has just said it.
whenever the two were not together, the
directors and screenplay guys at ipk found all sorts of ways to keep
them together in our mindscape. in this episode, it was the devise of
intercutting. smooth transitions from him to her, then him again.
she's
rolling a chapati listlessly. mind elsewhere. she's with him. now that
she's lied and created a situation that would take her away from him
forever, she's plunged into gloom. her rakshas, her laad governor... she
was going away for hamesha. her thoughts of him as compelling as his of
hers.
... he's falling atop her, her gaze suddenly meets his and locks...
... he's yelling at her to listen to him while he speaks "lemme finish!"
suddenly,
the anger's gone, he's handing her her dupatta, unobtrusive,
respectful. restoring her dignity which was trampled upon one harsh
night in lucknow.where his thoughts had started, hers end. they seemed
to meet on this memory, transcending barriers of reality, in some other
space.
she snaps back to here and now and says the tickets are done. payal had asked for ghee.
crossfade
to him, still watering plants. when anjali found him and saw his lost
expression and the overflow of water from the pot, she knew he needed
help and she stepped in to offer that. only, she got the reason wrong.
"kya soch rahe ho?" what are you thinking, she asked
"kuch nahin..." his voice sounded soft, unfocussed.
she
assumed this state of mind was to do with lavanya. and since she
herself was unsure of la and her relevance in chhotey's life she asked
if he were happy."tum khush to ho na?"
he asked
with what. considering he'd just had a major showdown with his grandma,
and his brother in law had managed to work out a situation that let his
girlfriend move in with him. considering he was bringing her home that
very day. one would have thought he'd be quite ecstatic about the
situation. "kisse?" really?
an
interesting insight from di about her chhotey and his ego. she wonders
if the la thing really hinged on his ego rather than a decision based on
the right reasons. his ego was always big, he hated anyone questioning
him or not agreeing with him. it would get him realk angry. "aur
waise bhi... tum jab gusse mein hote ho toh tumhara dimaag band ho
jaata hai, aur tum gusse mein josh mein aake hamesha galat faisla lete
ho." and when you're angry, your brain shuts down, and in that state you always end up taking wrong decisions.
isn't that pretty much what happened one night on a treacherous terrace?
but today, we'll talk another central theme of ipk. dil vs dimaag. heart or head.
"enough
di..." he countered, "i don't take all my decisions because of ego...
plus this life is mine... which means, everybody should not be
interfering in it... and if this indeed is the most important decision
of my life... then i'll still say lavanya is perfect for me... she's
never refused me till date... our thinking is similar... neither am i
interested in marriage nor she... she understands me."
di comes in beautifully, "and you? do you understand yourself?"
"aise faisle sirf dil liye jaate hai... dimaag se nahin." such decisions are taken from the heart, not the head.
"sorry di, there's a huge difference between the two of us... i don't get emotional while taking a decision."
little did he guess what was coming next.
"pyaar toh dil se hi hota hai... pyaar toh bas ho jata hai." love comes from the heart, said anjali, you can't calculate and calibrate it, it just happens.
at "pyaar" his eyes went still, his mind was touched. hey hey hey... rabba vey came as if on cue and...
di went on, "ke jab aap usse dekho toh uske chehre se nazar hi na hate..."
when you see her you can't look away from her." there she rose before
his gaze, beautiful in red, shy, gorgeous, an unspoken complaint in her
eyes.
"agar
woh udaas ho... toh kuch bhi achha na lage..." if she's sad, nothing
feels good. and he saw her crying, cowering, and he so bothered by her
tears.
"usse door jaane ka khayal bhi aapko pareshan kare,"
even the thought of being away from her will upset you. oh, why was she
saying that? saying, "i am going... khush ho jaiye kyonki hum aapke
nazron se hamesha ke liye door jaa rahen hain." be happy, for i am going away forever.
sochna
nahin chahta, bhoolna chahta hoon. i don't want to think, i want to forget.
he says, he doesn't have time for all
this stuff. and moreover, if such a girl should come into his life, he'd
make sure he stays away from her.
hamesha had walked in
yesterday, today came another core asset of this pyaar. saansey. breath.
ipk writers had a vision of love that scaled the ordinary and attempted
to really understand the nature of love. and there they possibly found
its kinship with faith. we are often asked to pray with the name of the
eternal on each breath. as though dedicating the gift of life to its
creator. those who have loved deeply and long will know that at times
love indeed does feel like a prayer, like faith. as inexplicable, as
inexorable, as elevating.
this creative insight into love and its saansey was, well, breathtaking.
"woh tum kar nahin paaoge..."
you won't be able to do that, said di, all believing and utterly sweet.
she who had only faith in her love. tragedy sometimes is just the
shattering of a simple belief.
"kyun?"
"kyunki tum agar uss se door gaye na, toh tumhari saansey rukne lagegi," for should you stray far from her, your breath will stop.
needless to mention, this brought on the lopsided smile, killing viewers, and to complete the decimation, "you are... unbelievable, di."
khushi
remained unhappy, and when her mother spilled the beans about the
shop, she decided this was a very good reason to go back to lucknow, ah
now she needn't think it was to run away from her feelings, now there
was a fine and noble cause. but her face never lifted.
asr went
to pick up la. she was lovely in red, but he barely noticed. her need
for him was contrasted perfectly by his control over his emotions. her
body leaned toward him, he stood unyielding. her eyes glinted, his were
opaque. i have always felt a little sad for lavanya, because in one
matter he was right, she did understand him, and she grew to love him in
the finest of ways. he realised that too.
just
once they flared, when she turned away from him while he was talking.
he remembered khushi saying, i won't listen to anything you have to
say... i am going... hamesha ke liye.he gripped la's arm and spun her
around, and said to her all that he wanted to say to khushi as she ran
out of the store room, leaving him locked there...
"jab main baat kara hota hoon toh poori baat sune bina beech mein mooh mat moda karo... main tumse kuch kah raha tha." when i'm talking, don't turn your back on me without letting me finish... i was telling you something.
on
that "main tumse kuch kah rah tha," there was a rasp in his voice, a
plea it seemed to me beneath that. he hated anyone walking away while he
spoke, but with khushi it was more than that. he needed her to hear
him. vitally. and what it is i wonder, he wanted to tell her.
what sound was that
i turn away into the shaking room.
what was that sound that came in on the dark?
what is this maze of light it leaves us in?
what is this stance we take,
to turn away and then turn back?
what did we hear?
it was the breath we took when we first met.
listen, it is here.
~~~ harold pinter, it is here (for a) ~~~
(i
quoted this beautiful love poem in a post on crooner. but this is where
saansey came in and i wanted to dedicate a special one to saansey, so
once more, it is here.)
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saansey ruk jaygi episodes
episode rambles
fanfiction
