not cut out for love: chapter 41

the night was still, a quiet darknesss all around. the dogs hadn't yet started howling as they often did around this time.

khushi had no idea what the time was as she sat shivering on the floor, staring at the benignly smiling face of devi maiyya. her mind was in a blur, her gaze was blank, every once in a while her eyes welled up with unstoppable tears and she swallowed hard to hold them back, not let any tear escape. the warmth of a tear might end everything.

she wouldn't be able to do what she must. she had no choice, there was no other way, she looked ahead with vacant eyes.

ar...na..

she stopped her heart, no she wouldn't think of him.

no.

her body jerked involuntarily and she gripped her knees tight as if seeking something. khushi closed her eyes trying to fill her head and heart with the night... no thought should escape into it... hey devi maiyya raksha karna.

***

what was that?

a draught of wind seemed to have rushed in through the open window in the still of the night. khushi looked around sensing something, an uncanny feeling sweeping through her.

why was her heart beginning to beat so fast?

why did she feel a weight begin to lift?

was she going mad?

the knock was sharp, loud and extremely peremptory.

it shattered the silence and commanded instant attention.

khushi's eyes widened, she stood... no jumped to her feet and looked around wildly. who was that? and at this time of the night? her breath pelted as she clutched her heart with a shaking hand. 

you know who it is, don't you? something in her said. she closed her eyes again, shutting out everything.

no... no no no. she would not think such things, she would not...

this time the knock was louder, sharper and scarier. soon after came the words she'd dreaded...

she had longed for...

"open the door, khushi, dammit!"

arnav singh raizada sounded furious and in no mood to tolerate delay or denial.

khushi held the post of the bed firmly, her feet had already begun to fly toward the door, but she was determined to stay where she was.

"khushi! i know you're inside, so stop this game... do you hear me!!! open the door otherwise i'll break it!" he threatened.

khushi heard a resounding bang soon after... he'd meant that thing about breaking the door!

khushi's feet made the decision this time, she ran and opened the door.

***

his eyes were bloodshot, his face was set and dark and extraordinarily still. he stood before her, tense, absolutely motionless, a pulse leaped at the end of his left jaw close to the ear.

khushi almost jumped back at the blast of heat that hit her, her heartbeat rose to a deafening crescendo.

the moments ticked by.

and suddenly harsh fingers were gripping her shoulders, pushing her back into the room, red rimmed incensed eyes were looking at her as if they didn't care if they scorched her, as if they wanted to do just that, a rush of searing breath was falling on her face, her neck.

a dry hot feeling that had appeared from nowhere and sat behind khushi's eyes ever since that phone call...began to cool off, ease all of a sudden.

khushi breathed in deeply looking up at the angry face looming over hers.

***

he stared at her unable to say anything, his whole being shaking with exactly what he wasn't sure. he didn't care... a bleak bottomless anger mingled with a fluid current of unnameable feelings. he gritted his teeth and began shaking her violently. mercilessly.

her eyes widened, shocked. her slender slight form couldn't deter that relentless force... she stared at him speechlessly, helpless... the tears came soon, this time she couldn't stop them.

even in his frenzied, fractured state, even in the darkness, he could see a plump shimmering tear spring up in her eye, balance for a moment on the edge of her eyelid and then plunge down, streaming rapidly down the curve of her cheek, its speed picking up as she was jerked back and forth by his punishing hands.

with a muffled cry he pushed her away. 

khushi fell against the dining table nearby. her hands gripped the edge as tears continued to fall.

"how could you?!!" asr whispered raggedly. he was trembling all over still unable to control himself.

"how COULD you?!!! do you even know what you've put me through??? do you even give a DAMN!!!" there was something broken and bereft behind the anger that was obviously there... khushi closed her eyes in agony.

she turned around slowly and looked at him, she badly needed to see him... even though she would never ever go near him again. her hand reached out automatically and touched a switch.

warm mellow light flooded the small sitting room in gomti sadan in the older part of lucknow.

***

he could only hear his breath as the plane taxied and lifted off.

where are you, his mind was screaming. his hands felt empty, a numbing worry occupied the back of his neck, his ears strained to hear a whisper of her voice, he could feel a soft curled frangipani by his neck, only that it wasn't there.

he had walked out of bua ji's house, winded, but his mind had refused to stop working.

where was khushi... he had to find her. she could be in danger. he couldn't let anything happen to her. he'd gotten into the suv and sat for a moment trying to compose himself... what was this pain ripping his mind, almost gutting him.

"get a hold of yourself, man," he thought... he needed to be calm... now more than ever. and as happened with him in times of crisis, a calm did steal over him as he sat there willing it to come... arnav singh raizada moved into autopilot. 

he would have to visit anjna jha once more... this time at the lock up where she was right now. she had admitted earlier that she was indeed her "husband's" accomplice, she had designed the nursery, she and shyam were planning to grab anjali's property and, yes, she had made that phone call to khushi. she was defiant, brash and utterly cold. she was shyam's "italian" "wife". he had duped her as well, but she had managed to catch onto his game and when she had, instead of being horrified, she'd been excited. there was a thrill in this. 

for the past five years she'd helped shyam find women, marry them and slowly drain them of their resources.

he would have to speak to her again, he had a feeling she had contacted khushi. but when? could it be this morning? of course! last night khushi was fine, she was... he exhaled slowly and let the vision of loveliness that flitted across his mind go. 

he was about to start the car when happy ji came by. spotting asr and completely unaware of what had transpired, happy ji smiled widely and said, "namaste, arnav ji!"

asr looked at the beaming man, he remembered meeting him the first time he'd come to lakshminagar... with khushi... that evening almost two months ago...

"namaste, happy ji, have you seen khushi?" asr asked without preamble. for some reason, he knew he had to ask this of the tiny little elf like man with an amiable face.

"oh... khushi ji... yes... but that was a long time ago... woh auto le rahi thi..." happy ji replied, his smile still in place.

(... she was taking an auto rickshaw...)

asr's syes sparkled, "auto? where was she going?"

happy ji's smile slipped a little, he looked puzzled...

"woh toh..." he scratched his head, "humein nahin pata..." 

(that... i don't know...)

asr felt his stomach hollow out.

then suddenly happy singh brightened, "yes! i remember, khushi ji was telling the driver, 'nahin nahin, old dilli nahin, new dilli...' arnav ji, i think she went to the station... maybe to pick up someone coming for the wedding??" he added helpfully.

(no no, not old delhi, new delhi.)

asr swore under his breath and started reversing the car swiftly, hooking his blue tooth onto his ear.

the plane had started descent. lucknow airport closed at eleven... they had just made it in the nick of time. captain raina was happy this last minute flight had gone smoothly, the boss had not looked prepared to take no for an answer from anyone tonight... 

asr ran across the tarmac not waiting for the vehicle assigned to pick him up... the suv was waiting for him at the entrance, he collected the key from the driver and leapt into the car...

she had to be here... at her home in gomti sadan... she had to be...

he accelerated and looked into the darkness.

"khushi!"

his heartbeat moved faster still, no speed limit there... no limit.

***

she stared at him, her heart breaking. he looked drawn, tense, haggard. his eyes... khushi swallowed almost feeling the pain in his eyes right there in the centre of her throat.

he was livid... he was broken.

khushi couldn't bear to see this.

"is this what you mean by love? by commitment? by your huge big lectures on marriage...?" his accusing gaze lashed into her, his voice was a hoarse whisper.

as if unable to control anything any more... not even his own self, he went on, "forget me... yeah... you don't love me, dammit!... right???... hah! how could i forget that!!... so forget me... but what about your parents...bua ji... payal... what about THEM, KHUSHI! WHAT!" his voice scaled a barrier somewhere and exploded.

khushi started and cringed. 

and the next moment she was crying copiously and running to him, flinging her arms around him and snuggling as deep as she could into his wide hard chest, her ears seeking instinctively and settling on the spot where his heart beat its erratic asunder beat.

"arnav ji! don't look like that... please, hum aap ko aise dekh nahin sakte..." she sobbed as she spoke.

(arnav ji! don't look like that... please, i can't see you like this...)

his arms had not gone around her, she noted, they hung rigid by his side. his head had not come down to rest on her chin as it usually did. he had simply remained there, aloof, angry, unreachable.

tears wet the front of his dark brown waistcoat. they soaked through and touched his skin.

he flinched.

"i couldn't do anything else... she said... she said... arnav ji..." khushi couldn't complete her sentence, she clutched him tighter and let the tears flow. she hadn't felt a moment of peace from the time she had picked up the phone that morning.

her mind was frazzled, tired, torn... her heart had lost hope... she could not see light anywhere, even her stars seemed too far away. 

now arnav ji wouldn't hear her, wouldn't hold her.

she felt his chest move against her cheek. he exhaled slowly, his breath touching her forehead.

"khushi!" he said her name, the "kh" touched the back of his throat and opened out, in it a longing from within. his arms came up and went around her waist, his hand reaching up her back, stroking, drawing her in, his head came down seeking its place in the crook of her neck, his cheek felt the silky touch of her hair even as his stubble grazed her tender skin.

she felt as though her world had returned to her... there was firm earth, there were stars, there was hope... always. hamesha.

they stood together like that for a few minutes. eternity sows thoughts of its very existence in certain spaces in time. arnav singh raizada and khushi kumari gupta had chanced upon such a space in the middle of the night in a small unpretentious, sparsely furnished sitting room situated in a quiet timeless spot on this earth.

he lifted her up in his arms and felt her settle against him. elation lifted the corners of his lips... she watched mesmerised. this is all she ever wanted to see, she thought. she reached up and stroked his cheek... he hadn't shaved it was obvious... she knew why... worrying for her... going mad perhaps with that worry.

he looked at her and winked... "kissi aur se pyaar karti ho? hmmm?" he asked in a quizzical voice, obviously amused... and yet she felt his vulnerability at the moment he must have read her note.

(love someone else? hmm?)

her lips quivered.

"hey! enough... no more tears, okay?" he said sitting down on sofa with her on his lap.

"arnav ji, that ciao darling woman called me this morning... she said, if i married you... if i don't disappear today itself, she would... hurt di... her baby," khushi wanted to tell him everything... needed to. "and when i... i said.. you wouldn't let her... she said, for that to happen, you'd have to be alive!"

khushi flung her arms around asr and started sobbing again, "hum nahin sah sakte... aap ko kuchh ho jaaye... hum jee nahin paayenge aap ke bina..."

(i can't bear it... if something should happen to you... i won't be able to live without you...)

"uh huh! kya main jee paaoonga tumhare bina, khushi?" he murmured hugging her close, kissing her cheeks with utter concentration. warm soft tender kisses that gave as much as they asked for, that said so many things... "socha bhi kaise aisa..."

(uh huh! will i be able to stay alive without you, khushi? how could you even think that?)

"socha nahin, arnav ji," khushi whimpered, "i couldn't feel, i couldn't think, i couldn't..." she faltered overwhelmed.

(i didn't think...)

"shh... later... sweetheart... relax, come rest on me..." asr crooned to the girl without whom he couldn't live. and being a fairly matter of fact man, he knew this was no exaggeration, this was how it was. perhaps this was even love.

"no, arnav ji, i really couldn't think... amma babu ji bua ji jiji, everything went blank, i thought of nothing, no one... just that i couldn't... couldn't let them harm you... arnav ji..." she began sobbing,  "babu ji... amma.. i must call them... they must be..."

"khushi! it's okay... i spoke to them before coming... but yes, we'll call them and tell them now. but first, you come here," he said kissing her on her lips at last. 

her mouth thrust closer against his lips, her teeth nipped his lower lip and she drew away, she wanted to kiss his lips along its entire line, right from where it started at one end, across its length, lingering over his cupid's bow, right onto the other side, where his lips had that little dragged down dip. 

he turned and lay down with her, kissing her hungrily. his hand pushed up under her kurta and felt the skin of her belly. he felt a peace begin to settle. she was here. with him...

"so you thought i wouldn't let any harm come to di? hmm? but you didn't come to me with the problem?  next time, don't do that, promise me? i know she called you, i know she can be very convincing... tum theek ho, khushi?" he asked softly kissing her along the length of her neck.

(are you alright, khushi?)

khushi couldn't think straight, the heady sensation of his skin against hers made her crave, and lose all thought.

yet she almost jumped up, "aap ko pata hai? kaise? how do you know about her call?"

(you know? how? how do you know about her call?)

"we got her this afternoon, khushi... unfortunately she'd already got through to you by then..." he replied pulling her back and rolling over till she was under him and he lay right over her, his every contour flush against hers. khushi blushed. then put her arms around his waist, pulling him to her,

"poor ciao darling, she had no idea whom she was taking on, did she... arnav singh raizada... humaare pyaare magarmach, laad governor, rakshas..." she lifted her head up and kissed his tired eyes... "jwalamukhi..."

(my beloved crocodile, lord governor, monster... volcano.)

he hadn't slept in nearly forty eight hours and yet he suddenly felt bright and alive.

he knew he had to do only one thing before he did something about that feeling.

he reached for his phone to let the guptas know khushi was alright. in his arms and giggling already.

index

chapter 42


 

without you: chapter 40

then even nothingness was not, nor existence,
there was no air then, nor the heavens beyond it.
what covered it? where was it? in whose keeping
was there then cosmic water, in depths unfathomed?

~~~ nasadiya sukta, rig veda~~~

he stood outside the room, unable to look in through the glass panel set in the door frame. blue door, white walls, a skirting of pale grey oil paint along the wall almost three feet high. an eerie silence all around. a faint yet persistent smell of disinfectant. it was past midnight, the operation was over, di was still unconscious.

they couldn't save the baby.

arnav singh raizada felt his heart knock against his ribcage as the words went simply, without embellishment, through his mind.

di had lost her child. they couldn't save her little girl. something flickered in his irises and went still. for some reason, di was convinced it was a girl... he almost smiled, remembering di insisting, she was even knitting a pale pink sweater...

he stood there alone in the corridor, an emptiness seeping into him. he had failed again. he had not been able to protect di.

di... what if... what if she had not...

he didn't finish that sentence. he wouldn't think of "what if" scenarios. he never did. what was, what had to be faced, dealt with, that was important. that was what mattered. he would focus on that.

and yet, what if he had lost di.

without taking his consent the thought crossed his head. he felt a jolt in his chest, a heat behind his eyes. he walked away carried by the force of a terrifying emotion.

for years now, he'd done everything he could to set right the defilement of a night far away... yet always close by. how it lingered just beneath the surface, seething and turbid, a craving in its wailing shehnai, a cremation in its gunshots. it wanted to swallow all light, plunge the world into eternal darkness... only a single sensation writhing within. a sound. maa.

everything might have ended that night. then he had looked at di and felt a stirring... a reckoning. he could feel it rise and take hold of him. he'd walked quietly to her side as she sat staring vacant eyed at the bodies of their parents covered in pristine white sheets and sat down beside her. he  had reached over and taken her hand in his. two siblings struck by catastrophe... a twenty one year old girl who had been dressed as a bride just a couple of hours earlier and who now looked almost childlike in her helplessness, and a fourteen year old boy who had started looking grown up all of a sudden.

as the world and its doing of things done whirled around them, a brother and a sister sat side by side, their relationship quietly realigning, changing, taking a shape it might never have if their life had not taken this turn.

into the wretched numbness had come a single thought, he would make sure nothing happened to his di. he would take care of her. as long as he was there, she would be safe... some day she would be happy too. he would see to that. yes, he would. he had let go of her hand and put his arm around her shoulder, drawing her head down till it rested on his shoulder. he had rocked her gently. he was here, he wouldn't let anyone harm her.

that night a young boy had found a reason to go on... to fight back, to succeed, to live.

and now di lay in that hospital bed, her child had died. her husband was a philandering cheat. her world was shattering again.

he had failed.

asr swallowed hard. his eyes moved upward of their own volition, then a mirthless smile slanted his lips... there was nothing there, or anywhere else... that one could depend on, seek anything from.

he began pacing along the corridor. how would he face di when she came to? what would he tell her? he could feel a thick pall descend.

"arnav ji," khushi's voice was a whisper. he started. he hadn't heard her approaching. he tried to look at her, but he couldn't. he wanted to tell her how badly he had failed, dammit... but that too he didn't. energy was sapping out of him... another long night loomed ahead. it was happening all over again.

khushi moved closer. she was still dressed in the rich prussian blue lehenga she had worn for di's godh bharai ceremony. the evening had been going so well, di was smiling and looking beautiful in her dark pink saree...

and suddenly... what had happened? they had all been dancing... then that piercing scream.

di was slipping and skidding down the stairs, trying hard to reach for the banister... arnav ji was running toward her. before he could reach her, di had fallen.

khushi looked up at the face of the man she loved. she lifted her hand and stroked his cheek, "ghabraiye nahin, arnav ji... di ko kuchh nahin hoga... aap hain na, di ko aap sambhaal lenge," she said softly. if she knew him at all, she was sure he was blaming himself right now... thinking he had fallen short in some way. she wanted to throw her arms around him and hold him, but she knew he wanted to be left alone.

(don't worry, arnav ji... nothing will happen to di... you are there, you'll take are of her.)

he seemed to laugh, she realised it was a sneer.

"main? no, khushi... i have failed, that's all," he said quietly. then he drew her into his arms and buried his face the crook of her neck.

(me? no khushi... I have failed... that's all.)

"how will i face di, khushi? what will I tell her?" he said, his voice breaking.

khushi felt tears roll down her eyes. she couldn't bear to hear arnav ji sound so helpless. she stroked his hair without saying a word. hey devi maiyya, take care of arnav ji and di, she prayed silently.

when anjali regained consciousness she refused to believe her rajkumari, her baby, was no more. she shouted at anyone who tried to say otherwise.

mami came to her nephew, distraught. a feeling of inevitability seemed to grip asr, he knew what he must do. he walked up to the door once more, but this time he did look in.

anjali saw him standing there and as their eyes met, without a word having to be said, she understood. he watched her face crumple, her hands grope wildly around her middle, her eyes lose hope... he stood there watching, unable to go and hold her this time. he had not done what he had promised to do. a part of di was dead forever.

that darkness, why did it never leave?
***

the noise startled everyone.

nani ji and bua ji were in the prayer room arranging the afternoon's offering and lakshmi ji nuzzled against her mistress. she seemed to want more attention than usual, devyani raizada thought distractedly and gave her pet goat a loving pat before going back to her work.

the rest of the family was sitting in the drawing room, om prakash and hari prakash had just served light refreshing buttermilk, the table was being set for lunch.

mama ji and shashi ji were deep in conversation about a lane in lucknow which had the most interesting savouries. garima was telling anjali to try a massage oil that had been particularly beneficial for her husband.

khushi was showing off her knowledge of london to nk and payal.

"haan, you know, i took a taxi all alone also... hum lucknow se hain, woh london wondon se darte nahin!" she said making a face and thrusting out her chin.

(yes, you know i took a taxi all alone also, i am from lucknow, huh, not scared of any london...)

"really, khushi ji? aap kitni badsurat hain!" nk gushed with a beaming smile.

(really, khushi? you are so ugly!)

"badsurat nahin, nk bhai, bahadur," payal corrected him in her gentle, patient vein. then she turned to khushi and with a slightly raised eyebrow asked, "you weren't scared at all, khushi?"

(not ugly, nk bhai, brave.)

payal had a knowing smile, khushi looked around a little uncomfortably, scratched her head and said, "haan, woh... matlab..."

"do you know, nk, yeh khushi hai na... yeh meri darti hai par karti hai behen hai..." said payal.

(do you know, nk, this khushi here... she's my scared but will do sister...)

"darti hai!" nk jumped up, "khushi ji, like me! I am also darti hai... of bua ji... and..."

"and... lavanya ji?" khushi said archly, "why, nanhe ji, these days you're never too far from her..."

nk blushed and grabbed his glass of buttermilk.

mami ji walked in looking very pleased, the after effects of all the "foreign" gifts had obviously not worn of. she was humming, "dehleez pe meri... hmmm hmm... jeena jeena..." her latest favourite hindi film song...

(on the threshold... hmm... hmm... to live to live...)

she came and struck a pose before the three of them and said, "uff lateef eej so guds, bhat a sweeets bwoy... bhat a lauly bhoice... my phaaborite! jeena jeena... hmm hmm..." she blew on her nails coyly, obviously the polish had been touched up.

akash lifted his head from the newspaper for a moment and looked at his mother, then he went back to his reading. payal had asked him to come home for lunch today, she was absolutely delighted to see her father almost back to being the way he was.

lakshmi ji darted out of the mandir and went toward the main entrance and that was precisely when the noise started.

it was so strident and sudden, it took a while to register that it was in fact the door bell.

"kya hua! kya hua!" nani ji came rushing out, looking perturbed.

(what happened! what happened!)

"kaun hai! hari prakash ji! kya ho raha hai!" anjali called out, standing up.

(who's that! hari prakash ji! what's going on!)

khushi sprang to her feet and went toward her father.

mami ji stopped singing.

and then it was she who yelled, "arre baba, jaao jaao, hp, op, darwajja kholo... ee toh humaar door bells hai, hello hi bye bye... bhere bhere... bhere eej the phires? bhy ringings so so many many timej... hab we gaat the jayckpaat... he he he..." mami giggled at her own sense of humour and bustled off toward the entrance.

(go go, hp, op... go open the door. that's our door bell, hello hi bye bye... where where... where's the fire? why are they ringing the bell like this? have we won the jackpot! )

the noise was getting deafening... khushi followed mami ji hurriedly... something told her she knew who it was... yes, it was arnav ji...

her heartbeat raced... had he...?


***

all you could see were two pairs of eyes. both dark brown. both shining.

asr's eyes were sparkling with something impossible to name. right next to them gleamed the little child's large eyes...

he was carrying her, holding her securely with both arms and walking in without looking left or right. behind him came doctor verma, more slowly but even he had a peculiar smile on his face.

khushi stared after them, her heart beat reaching a crescendo.

mami charged ahead keeping pace with the two men, her hands were shaking with a strange excitement... her eyes had widened and she went straight to her mother in law, though she had no idea why, and grasped her shoulders.

hp gaped open mouthed at the goings on, completely forgetting to close the door.

lakshmi ji trotted happily alongside doctor verma. a silence gathered and right in the middle of it fell four familiar inimitable words... "hai re nand kissore!"

before anyone in the sitting area could react, asr reached anjali... his eyes were fixed on her now and they seemed to get even brighter.

anjali stood there without moving. everything all around began to recede. brown eyes... she stared at the curls, the plump tender cheeks... the drool... who had smeared so much kajal in those eyes? anjali extended her hand even as she heard asr's ragged, hoarse, "di!" 

her fingers touched the wet cheek. the child made a noise. one of those noises that no one can describe... like the sound of rain... of the wind... of leaves falling. one of those noises there isn't any need to describe... anjali gazed at the child, her eyes refusing to move away...

who was she?

chhotey never carried children... anjali searched for an answer in her head. but her heart had picked up an erratic uncontrollable beat already.

"di!" chhotey said again. her nonplussed gaze shifted to him, was that a sheen of tears on his eyes... his lips were beginning to slant up... he looked like a little boy...

"chhotey?" anjali whispered asking him what she didn't know.

"roshni," he said softly... "aapki rajkumari..."

anjali wasn't aware she cried out at the words. a sharp guttural cry from some corner of her, some chasm within this thing we call our body yet it holds so much more than mere flesh. all she felt was a wild need to clasp the girl with huge eyes and curls and drool to her bosom... to keep her there. who was she? was there any need to answer that question? was there any answer to that question? she had heard her and touched her and known her for so many days, so many months, endless moments, right inside her... where you knew things... where there was no lie... ever.

asr watched through a film of tears as his sister took his niece from his arms and laid her on her own body... her eyes closed, she held roshni tenderly yet tightly, her hands had balled into fists.

asr caught hold of di's shoulders and made her sit down... everyone was now coming closer to the mother and her child... a murmur was rising. there was laughter, there were questions, there was astonishment, amazement and joy.

he looked back. where was khushi? she stood just outside the circle of people, tears streaming freely down her cheeks... his eyes moved down to her lips... she was smiling. light pink lips, unlined, innocent. he wanted to run to her and tell her... at last he felt free. he wanted to kiss her guileless lips.


***


"shyam!" anjali's voice was so low you had to strain to catch the word.

yet, he did. and he stiffened instantly. khushi's eyes widened. what was di saying?!

"you are my kanha, my shyam... do you know, you have come to me!" anjali was saying to the little girl who sat on her lap now, pulling lakshmi ji's ears... "no one can hurt you, no one can harm you... nani, khushi ji! hain na yeh ekdam shyam ji ke tarah...?"

(you are my krishna, my shyam... do you know, you have come to me! no one can hurt you, no one can harm you... nani, khushi ji! isn't she just like shyam ji?)

asr relaxed a little.

it was almost an hour since he had come home with perhaps the most beautiful gift he would ever give his sister. questions had been asked and answered, everyone had taken turns to cuddle and kiss the new member of the raizada family.

khushi had watched spellbound as nani ji had taken her great grand child in her arms for the first time and blessed her. she remembered nani ji sitting before devi maiyya that day when she had come home from the hospital after arnav ji slipped into coma... she had marveled at nani ji's strength and prayed her grand mother in law be spared any more tragedy. she had suffered enough, and always with grace and strength.

khushi had wondered what nani ji was thinking at this moment.

almost as if reading her mind, nani ji had turned, looked at her straight in the eyes and smiled. khushi had never seen her so happy, youthful... almost untouched by the years.

"oph course, my grand daaghter eej like that natkhat nand kissore only... and she eej prettier than him, hello hi bye bye... she eej our own raijada maynsson bootiphool sweet bestest kismis kajoobadam barphi gulabjamun jalebi..." mami ji chimed completely out of control in her joy. she also wept copiously right through.

(of course, my grand daughter is like that playful krishna... and she is prettier than him, hello hi bye bye... she is our raizada mansion's beautiful sweet best raisin cashew barfi gulab jamun jalebi...)

akash was sitting next to anjali beaming. anjali was the only sister he had ever known, she may be his cousin but to him, she was his di and he loved her, that was all. he reached out gingerly, looped a finger through one of roshni's curls and pulled, then let go almost immediately. the curl went right back to its original state.  akash looked at anjali and they giggled like kids.

"chhotey, i need to thank the nurse who saved my daughter... i must meet her... and she..." anjali said turning to asr, she sounded agitated.

"she..." anjali's lips quivered a little, "she was like a mother..." anjali felt a little better once she had said the word... "a mother... to..."

asr watched her silently. di was struggling with many things he knew. he had too. he still was. urmila jana had done more for his family than he'd ever have believed a stranger could do. he could still see that vulnerable look in her eyes as she gave the tiny toddler a little push and said, "jaa..." letting go...

he had called aman on the way home and left specific instructions to contact urmila jana and give her anything she might ask for. but he knew this was far more complex than just a matter of giving and taking.

"anjali," docter verma spoke for the first time since walking in with asr, "would you like to come to the hospital with me and meet her?"

anjali looked from her brother to the man she had grown to trust and value in these months, she said, "yes, vijay... please, I would... now."


***

the sun was bright but pleasant in the winter afternoon. anjali sat next to urmila on a bench, they were in the park next to the hospital. she was holding urmila's hands in hers as they spoke.

asr and khushi stood to one side, keeping an eye on roshni who was busy with a colourful ball, tumbling around the sand pit. vijay verma and akash were standing farther away, talking.

"have you heard the story of krishna, urmila ji?" anjali asked the plain looking woman sitting across from her.

urmila jana had barely spoken a word since they met. she seemed bereft, almost shut out from everything, she hardly looked at anjali.

"i don't think i will ever find the words to thank you the way you should be thanked... aur..." anjali held the limp hands in hers tighter, "hum shayad aap ko aisa dukh de rahen hain jo humne kabhi nahin jana tha hum kissiko denge..."

(and perhaps i am giving you the sort of sadness i'd never known i'd give anyone...)

the nurse lifted her eyes at anjali's words.

"it's okay, i won't create any trouble, i promise... roshni..." urmila's voice shook, "roshni will be happy..." she said listlessly.

"haan, she will be... that is why i have come... you saved her, urmila ji, you loved her... you are her...mother. humey yeh hi shiksha di jati hai na? sirf janam dene wali maa nahin hain, aapne unki raksha ki hai... " anjali said, her voice was breaking too.

(we are taught that, aren't we? only the one who gives birth isn't the mother, you have saved her...)

urmila jana started sobbing. anjali leaned forward and hugged her.

"please accept my thanks... and don't stop loving roshni... jab ji chahe, man karey... usse dekhne, zaroor aaiyega... jaantey hain? humney socha tha shayad hamari pooja, hamari prarthna... sab mein koi kami hai... nahin toh..." anjali paused for a moment before carrying on,"lekin... aaj humey laga... nahin... sab theek hai, jo sahi hai, wahi hota hai... you made me believe that... thank you."

(please accept my thanks... and don't stop loving roshni... whenever you want to see her, please do come... do you know? i'd thought my prayers, my faith, everything was flawed in some way, otherwise... but today i felt... no... everything is fine, what is right... that happens. you made me believe that... thank you.)

urmila jana smiled a little before she spoke in her flat monotone, "she was so tiny... and her hair was thick and dark... i did not do right, miss anjali... she is yours... and she should be with you... forgive me, i didn't do right."

not all relationships come about in neatly understood and prescribed ways. urmila was ready to kill a child without whom she now couldn't imagine living. anjali had never ever allowed herself to think her rajkumari might have survived. it was too painful to toy with such thoughts. yet, she always remembered how she'd not been able to believe her child was dead. she had only accepted it because chhotey had looked so shattered. maybe a mother has ways of knowing about her child that can't be explained? today she was sitting with the woman who had agreed to murder her unborn child. the greater truth however was, she had not.

nurse urmila jana had, without even meaning to, become a part of their lives... and she would always be the woman who saved roshni.


***

stars covered the dark winter sky.

asr sat by his pool, looking at the water. di was sleeping next to her daughter tonight, he thought... his brown eyes glittered for an instant. an intense emotion held him almost immobile.

then he breathed out slowly.

where was khushi? she had not yet come upstairs. it had been a long long day...

he got up and went quickly through their bedroom and down the stairs...

"khushi?" he called out. there was no answer.

where was the girl? he needed to see her now. where was she?

he checked in the kitchen but she wasn't there. he went to the sit out at the back only to find she wasn't there either.

"khushi!" had she gone to the terrace? he was about to go up when he saw her.

she was standing by di's bed, leaning down over roshni and smiling. both di and roshni were fast asleep.

asr felt his heart skip and miss a beat. khushi was wearing her red churidar kurta and she'd knotted her hair casually in a bun at the nape of her neck, her face as always had barely any make up, a tiny silvery bindi glinted on her forehead... from this angle, he couldn't see her face really... only her forehead and the arc of her lips as she smiled.

he knew though she looked beautiful.

an impatience nudged him. he walked into the room and without saying a word caught her wrist and pulled her after him taking her back to their room.

khushi was taken aback but she kept quiet... roshni mustn't wake up and really how shameless was arnav ji! in front of everyone he was pulling her like this. in her sudden agitation, or was it excitement, it didn't occur to her that there was no "everyone" anywhere. only the furniture, the plants, the curios. and now the water and sky and stars.

he sat down on the deckchair and pulled her on to his lap. his arms slipped around her waist and he drew her close...

"why are you still not ready for bed?" he asked in a hoarse whisper, making her spine tingle.

"arnav ji!" khushi exclaimed, she knew she was blushing.

"khushi, i want to make love to you... now!" he said against her lips kissing her hard.

she knew he was trying to tell her something... in his way. but at this moment, she couldn't think any more because he was taking off her kurta with sure swift movements... next his shirt was gone and his bare cool skin was against her breast, her diaphragm, her stomach, her abdomen... his hands cupped her breasts, he buried his face against her body and sucked gently on her left nipple. khushi moaned. his hand traveled over her back, her legs and came up to the drawstring of her churidar.

khushi covered his hand with hers and arched against him...

then he was lifting her and taking her into the room. everything was happening at a dreamlike pace... khushi thought. was this because of jet lag?

she felt her churidar slipping off her and all thought ceased again... his trousers were joining her dupatta and churidar on the floor by the bed.

khushi turned and lay back knowing he would be leaning over her soon. she wanted to feel his lips on her, his weight on her, his hands getting a little rough. she could feel him about to cover her body with his, she moved so that he would lie exactly where he should... she knew his every muscle rhythm and tone by now and she yearned for him. as she did every time.

she felt his legs against hers, soon he would be kissing her all over then sliding into her she knew... but tonight she needed to tell him what she felt he wanted to hear.

she cupped his cheeks in her hands and brought his face close to hers, "arnav ji," she said clearly, "i want you to make love to me... now!"

she saw his teeth flash in the dark. he was grinning...

then he was kissing her on her navel, her waist, her back... his hands were touching her, arousing... his skin was crisp and taut and compelling, she longed for it... for him.

his lips found hers when at last he thrust into her, loving her, delighting her, wanting only to give himself to her.

he felt his world come together in that embrace of hers. she had told him he would make everything alright for di some day... maybe that's why this day had come at all.

he looked intently at her face as she writhed beneath him. would she someday be looking down with that smile at a child of theirs?

"don't you dare stop loving me, ever... dammit!" he whispered breathlessly.


***

"good morning, mr arnav singh raizada!" khushi was sounding bright and cheerful.

asr groaned.

"what the! curtain band karo!" he commanded, eyes resolutely shut.

(what the! close the curtains!)

"haw... what will roshni say, her mama can't even get up in the morning... such a lazy uncle... hai re nand kissore!" khushi talked away while combing her hair and getting ready.

"shut up, khushi!" asr said through clenched teeth, eyes still tightly closed.

"bahut achha, hum shut up tak pahunch gaye hain, ab aayga, 'get out, khushi!'"  khushi giggled.

(very good, we have come up to shut up, now we'll reach 'get out, khushi!')

an arm shot out from the bed and gripped her wrist... next thing she knew, she was lying flat on him, their faces very... very close.

one eye opened. brownness took over the day. a lopsided smile came on. a finger flicked a startled nose.

"remember, my name is arnav singh raizada... samjhi tum...?" he whispered, cocking an eyebrow.

"aur mujhe samajhna itni aasan baat nahin hai..." he murmured, beginning to open her plait, his voice was setting off goosebumps along her shin. she wriggled. he held her tighter.

(and understanding me is not that easy.)

"aaj get out nahin kehte... okay? instead ek nahin get out ka programme banate hain..." his eyes were looking at her in a way that made her ears go warm...

(today, let's not say get out... instead let's make a programme for not getting out...)

khushi wondered what would be the best way to escape this man, especially in this mood. she wriggled again and he pulled her right back.

but now his eyes looked sombre. absolutely serious. khushi blinked.

"do you remember, khushi, that night when i made love to you the very first time?" he asked in a matter of fact voice. khushi didn't know what to say.

"the next morning, i told di and nani that i was ready to get married to you... again. with all rituals. yaad hai?" he said.

khushi was puzzled, "but, arnav ji... why are you talking about that now?"

he put his arms around her and smiled up at her, an earnestness in his eyes.

then he said slowly, "you said to me, you did not need to have a marriage with all the customs because you considered our wedding to be true and real as it was... you told me for you the fact that i had put sindoor on your head, tied the mangalsutra around your neck before devi maiyya and fire was enough... because you knew how much i loved you... you said, you considered our wedding sacred. there was nothing wanting in it, nothing incomplete..."

"ha-an" khushi said nodding, still perplexed, "i said that, because it is true..."

"tumhen mujh se itna pyaar kyun hai, khushi... and why do you believe in me so much?" he was looking into her eyes... "and whatever the reason might be, knowing you it will be fairly weird..." khushi made a face. it was hard to fathom arnav ji, really.

(why do you love me so much, khushi... and why do you believe in me so much?)

he laughed, "whatever may be the reason... thank you, khushi... mujh pe vishwas karne ke liye..."

(thank you, khushi, for believing in me...)

"vishwas..." she smiled bemused and stroked his hair...

outside the sun rose higher.

the sun had been blazing that day too, she remembered. but it was scorching hot that afternoon in june. arnav ji was lying on the road. she couldn't see from where she stood whether he was breathing or not. there was a presence of mortality in the air... she wanted to tell all those people there not to touch him, he didn't like being touched by strangers...

khushi swallowed hard and smiled at him.

in these few months so much had happened. so much... and here they were on a bright morning in december, all around them lay the feeling of new life... vibrant, indomitable life... its very breath.

"hamari dhadkane ek ho jaati hai..." our breath becomes one, he had told her once. not one, arnav ji, she wanted to say... aap hain hamari dhadkan, you are my breath itself...

she sat up and said playfully, "hum curtain band kartey hain, dammit!"

(i'll close the curtains, dammit!)

he chuckled and replied, "i love you, dammit..."

there was that grain in his voice, that touched her right by her heart.

that was the last chapter of without you... a story i started in a a highly emotional state, after seeing shots of asr's accident on the net. could asr die? i wanted to know, really. guess what, the man is lethal, just kills me and refuses to go away quietly. so if any storyteller thought they could get him to just disappear, they were in for a surprise. thankfully, they stopped trying. i do hope without you was good to read and made you happy in ways unpredictable. i can't believe we have come to the last chapter of this story. i'd like to thank each and every one of you for reading without you. ah, just look at them romping up there, telling me about life and love even as they go mushy and a bit silly. i have absolutely loved writing the story, thanks to all my readers. epilogue coming up soon.

index

epilogue

not cut out for love: chapter 39

lavanya knocked on asr's door and walked in, she was in a tizzy about the pret a porter line for blooms... she was very sure the standardized sizes needed to be looked at again. the market had changed, quite drastically in fact, in the past few years. the number of young women with a taste for fashion and ready money of their own to spend had grown dramatically. this year, she had a hunch that opening up the sizes and not pushing for only the lean measurements would bring in profits. there was no need to create a separate line for the bigger women, just offer more sizes and mention it clearly in ads. but the head of design was not at all willing to listen to this...

"asr!" la started off even as she stepped into his office, "you have to speak to ashok, this cussed 'i know everything about fashion' way of his just gets me, i can't stand these 'creative' huffs!" she did the two fingers up quote sign in the air and shook her head in exasperation.

she'd expected to get an instant response from the usually very quick and alert boss of hers. but it didn't come.

lavanya frowned at the still figure sitting behind the desk staring at the computer. he had a faint smile on his lips and his eyes looked somewhat unfocused.

unfocused?

lavanya almost screamed, "asr, tum theek ho?"

(asr, are you alright...)

then it occurred to her, he was fine. he was, and this is when la's jaw almost hit the floor, day dreaming.

what!!! lavanya would have slapped herself and said, "stop hallucinating, la... asr does not do such silly things..."

she somehow controlled the urge, tossed her head and walked out of the room.

as she sashayed down the corridor toward jp's office, she heard her phone ring.

"yes?" said lavanya crisply, answering the call.

"you are right, lavanya... we'll go for the bigger sizes," came asr's voice, brusque and commanding, as usual. then the phone went dead.

lavanya wondered whether this was reassuring or totally unsettling.

she would go with jean pierre to paris she decided, she wanted to get back that feeling... that a man woman relationship could be cool, pretty casual, yet fun and plenty games. asr had actually fallen in love, she doubted she could ever do that... but she was looking forward to the wedding, she had a smashing gold tissue evening gown...


***

"aaj mausam hai suhana, kabooter ban gaya laad governor haye kya bahana, what the what the la la..." khushi traipsed into kareena and salman's room, practically dancing, huge grin on her face, prattling her nonsense song.

(today the weather is beautiful, the pigeon became lord governor what an excuse, what the what the la la...)

salman looked up from his work, "huh! what's that... pigeon ... laad governor... what... whoaaa!" the last exclamation came as khushi pulled him by the hand and drew him into a happy twirl with her... in seconds, she had left him and fallen on kareena. kareena giggled and said "hawww, what's with you, babe?" and got into a vigorous bhangra with her friend.

"yaar, you women are nuts," salman said raising his eyebrows and shrugging, "khushi, you alright?"

khushi's eyes twinkled as she let go of kareena, stood at attention, then started to march around the room yelling, "riiight, left, right, left right..."

she did a couple of rounds, then went and caught kareena in a big hug, rushing soon to salman and giving him a tight hug too.

"aapke liye itne saare jappi, salman ji, kareena ji... thank you so much for that beautiful beautiful shadi ka joda...!" she said eyes shining.

(so many hugs for you...)

"aaah, so that's the matter!" salman grinned, "see, kareena, she liked the layering of different materials which you said she wouldn't!" he threw at kareena.

"huh?! really," came kareena's retort, "what about the fine zardosi and pearls melange i created which you thought was awful but gave a richness minus heavy gooeyness...!!!"

khushi jumped in between them and yelled, "yaalgaar yaalgaar, kareena ji and salman ji are having a khatarnak war over who's a better designer... aha!" she paused, then in her quixotic way, she broke into, "aaj mausam hai suhana, war karne ka hai bahana, what the what the what the..."

(challenge! challenge! kareena ji and salman ji are having a fabulous war over who's a better designer... aha!... today the weather is beautiful, there's a reason to go to war, what the what the what the...).

laughter came to the rescue as the three of them gave in to the moment. it was obvious khushi was feeling light frothy and almost hysterically happy.

"two two weddings, ji, two two weddings... so kareena ji, you must do do double double dressing up! and salman ji, no jeans allowed, okay? shaandaar jaan lewa sherwani mein aap ekdam nawab dikhenge, nawab!"

(in a magnificent, killer sherwani you'll look like a nawab!)

"sweetheart," sighed salman, "are you for real..."

kareena said, "so you did bring back a teri meri kahani from bali, khushi... i am sooo happy," and she grabbed salman and whirled away into another round of dancing with him.



***
the watery bulging eyes looked back at asr, venom seeping into them. asr's cold brown irises gazing implacably, didn't flinch... that venom was what he had been after all along. it was the only way he'd know shyam was hurting.

shyam sat across from arnav singh raizada in the tiny room in the police station where shyam was being held at the moment. asr had no intention of marrying without fixing this problem first.

"shyam, you will understand what i just said means... you are not going to be leaving prison anytime soon. i'd say, for the next thirty odd years you'll be in jail. maybe more. depends on how many women we find out about," he said almost pleasantly.

shyam snarled.

"you will have no right over my sister's child and this you will formally assent to. furthermore, you will gain nothing from this alliance of yours, and the case against you will be not only of bigamy but a criminal charge involving the transfer of her defence colony property to your name. along with this case, lavanya will formally charge you with attempt to murder, you will be held in custody right through. don't bother to apply for bail. i will use every means in my power... fair or unfair... to make sure you never get out."

shyam looked up startled, his eyes growing hooded and even more bilious.

asr continued, unperturbed, "... unfair means being most appropriate for you and you do know in delhi how far one can go with that... of course, did i forget to mention, you will be disbarred by the law society and never practice law again..." a curious little smile played on fine lips as shyam's claw like hands clenched at this.

"you will get the maximum sentence for attempted murder and bigamy with an intent to swindling my sister. i will make sure that these two sentences do not run concurrently," asr looked at shyam keenly. his face was unmoving, hard.

"you will also be tried by women you have cheated across the world, in various cities, one by one, on charges of bigamy, felony, swindling, etc. my main contribution to your future prison terms would be ensuring they do not run together, but one after another... you know ar has a highly capable legal team, we'll work with lawyers from all the different countries and get this done, don't worry, jija ji! till now, we have located eight women you have played your sick game with. i am sure we'll unearth more..." asr paused and then leaned forward...

"i'll see you in hell, shyam manohar jha, for doing what you've done to my sister. by the end of all this, you'll wish you'd never set eyes on her. you do know how men who are a little soft and physically slight get treated by prison mates, don't you... shyam?" asr spoke slowly, deliberately.  there was a purposefulness in his tone that made the listener squirm... a slight unease rode up the back of shyam's neck, an ancient response to a sense of danger.

shyam's eyes went pebble like, dense. he was well acquainted with the state of prisons and the law and order situation within the cells.

"don't even think of bribing your way out of anything..." asr's voice had grown softer, almost whispering, ruminative, "you will be dealt with as harshly as you ought to be and i know by the end of your first term you will know exactly what hell is."

shyam tried to lunge at asr, asr drew back slightly moving out of shyam's reach.

"your discipline, law... will be used against you... you will not get away with this, shyam... if it's the last thing i do, i will get you... d'you understand?" a cold gripping anger clenched asr from head to foot. he could barely breathe.

he stood up and walked out of the room.

he had to find the woman who owned the greater kailash house. she must have been the one to call khushi... but was she innocent, or an accomplice?

he didn't hear shyam swear under his breath, "the last thing, you arrogant fool, the last thing... i am shyam manohar jha, are you trying to play games with me...!!"


***
"stop fidgeting, khushi kumari gupta," asr said as khushi shifted position again. they were lying in each other's arms on a sofa at the farmhouse. it was late evening.

it had been a long harsh day... there was the usual day to day work at ar, then the skirmishes between marketing and product over blooms in agung. and, there had been shyam.

a dark, trenchant flame still leapt in asr, a consuming lick in it.

shyam.

his teeth automatically clenched, a nerve beat at his temple, the only outward sign of agitation. he could feel fury rise in him.

aman knew a bit about what was going on, but asr had decided not to involve anyone else in this matter. he had learned very early in life to stand alone against the storms of life. to take the battering and never yield. consulting, sharing, dividing responsibility, etc., were things he neither believed in nor was good at, especially when it came to personal matters. and anything to do with di was totally personal... 

he also did not wish to put anyone in harm's way.

he knew how dangerous shyam could be.

he also knew his wife to be was capable of throwing herself right in danger's path, in fact court it practically, to save others... those she loved.

she had boarded a plane with a complete stranger and charged off to an unknown city so she could earn for her beloved jiji's dowry.

asr hugged khushi close and even while admonishing her about her constant moving around couldn't help but kiss her lightly on her head and say, "you're absolutely mad, do you know that?"

"pagal nahin toh aur kya... who else would fall in love with a magarmach," murmured khushi snuggling closer.

(of course mad, who else would fall in love with a croc...)

"hmmm... and what was that mausam hai suhana, kabooter becoming laad governor song... huh?" he teased, she was squirming again...

"what??? how do you know? have you put a detective after me! you know which saree i am seeing at a shop far away, you know what song i sing in someone else's office... chudail!" khushi tried to sit up.

(... witch!)

"yeah..." asr said huskily near her throat, and bit her playfully, "i live in the frangipani tree... though that gender... hmm" he kissed her again, "do you know you were composing the song while driving to work? you even forgot i was sitting next to you... i would rather be chudail than chidia..." he laughed out loud as khushi picked up a cushion and started hitting him with it.

(i would rather be a witch than a bird...)

khushi was breathing heavily now and laughing, her hair had come undone, at some point he had slipped off the parandi decorated scrunchy that she wore at the end of her plait and her silky straight tresses had loosened out, opened and tumbled all over.

she was wearing a pretty dark red today with a yellow and red leheriya dupatta. her skin glowed against the colour, healthy bright and alluring. her eyes shone in excitement and mirth. all he wanted to do was kiss her on that beautiful innocent cheek and play with her hair. he swallowed hard, this beautiful girl raining blows on him, he wouldn't be able to live without her. he knew that with a certainty he couldn't explain to himself.

khushi was about to hit him again when she noticed a movement at his throat. his adam's apple... it moved up, there was a pause, then it came down slowly settling. khushi paused. something about it held her attention completely. she wanted to hold that moment in her she felt...

slowly she leaned over and kissed him on his adam's apple. her eyes closed, her arms went around him and she simply lay over him feeling things she couldn't find words for. i will never let anything happen to you, she thought.

"marogi nahin mujhe?" he said his hand stroking her hair.

(won't you hit me?)

khushi felt her whole body respond to that playful teasing voice. it started as a pleasing flutter near her heart and then a clamour, a hunger thronged her. she held him tighter and with a little whimper started kissing him along the long taut column of his neck, his collarbone... an intimacy in her touch which came from deep within, without premeditation or conscious intention.

khushi clutched his collar and pushed her head against the warmth of his body, moaning slightly.

he could sense the change in her caress and his body responded, his heart beat raced, a different fire scorched... he could feel thought fade away even as he tried to hold on to it. "khushi..." he breathed out as he felt her hand slip into his waistband at the back, "darling..."

he let a languid hand catch hers and just stay there. then he pulled her closer as she lay on him, shifted a little and put his right leg over her left leg as they lay entwined. with his free hand, he stroked her back, his lips hovered and played on her hair, her forehead, he could feel his hunger grow... she sensed him it seemed for she reached up, nibbling his chin lightly, her cheek rubbing against his, her breath was uneven, he kissed her eyelids, his body pressed against the length of hers... a volley of unspoken communication exploded between two people who had met one unrecorded day in a foyer of a hotel and nothing had remained the same that moment on.

asr let his tongue trail over khushi's upper lip, a lingering, familiar touch. khushi opened her mouth, her teeth glistening pearly white against plush pale pink lips. his tongue slid over the sharp edge of her teeth, something thrilling in that... he started kissing her as he had longed to ever since they'd left the office.

yet he'd held back... he knew himself... and he knew how innocent and full of wonder the girl in his arms was. she believed, he was sure, that girls only made love to their husbands. so... he would wait... be her husband. and let her keep her dream. her illusion... yes it was certainly that it was. but he didn't want even one of her illusions to break. certainly not her dreams.

he had neither. but she would have her dreams, her illusions, her fantasies, everything always... if he could help it.

why did he even feel such ridiculous things for this girl who had just barged into his life? again, he found no answer.

her hands were now busily taking off his shirt... she was kissing him at the same time.. every nerve in his body was alive. he wanted her... now.

"khushi!" his whisper was guttural, doused in desire... his shirt lay on the floor. his hands reached out and started to take off her kurta without even asking for permission, felt like it was his right, and khushi simply sat up and let him.

her eyes called him with such plain clear love. there was no inhibition in them. she held out her arms to him, and asked to be taken into his embrace, both of them bare to the waist, only a wisp of a lacy brassiere on her still.

he closed his eyes, breathed in deeply and let her come to him.

pale ivory skin touched male brown warm torso. shuddering breath rent the air.

"arnav ji," she whispered, her eyes tightly shut, where was this feeling taking her... had she ever been here before?

her hands splayed across his back, her belly rubbing against his skin, she had never ever felt such a sensation. she was almost naked. yet it felt right.

so terribly right.

his fingers rode lightly across her back and when they came to her bra strap, they unclasped the hook, knowing that is what she was waiting for, she wanted. he could feel her breasts move as they were freed of the tie. a terrifying tenderness overcame him... he swallowed hard again.

this beautiful woman.

she was holding him with urgent hands and kissing him now... her body thrust against him. he could feel himself going over an edge. her hand explored his upper thigh...

he pushed her away before he lost all control.

she looked at him dazed.

he smiled tightly and kissed the tip of her nose.

then without a word, he helped her into her bra and her kurta, lay the dupatta with extraordinary care over her shoulders and hugged her.

"you are mine, always, samjhi tum?"

again that unspoken wave of communication. khushi nodded against his chest. i can't live without you, arnav ji, she thought.

while shrugging into his shirt, he smiled a little arrogantly and said, "why can't you resist me, khushi?"

khushi realised she had been staring, she made a face and threw a cushion at him, it missed him and fell into the urli full of red frangpani.


***

"meh mehhh!" bleated lakshmi ji walking into nani ji's bedroom.

"kya baat hai, lakshmi? why are you so talkative in the evening suddenly?" nani ji looked up from the tray on which she was arranging all the many things needed for the wedding ceremony. purohit ji had given an exhaustive list and now that two of everything were required, it was best to start preparing early and avoid confusion at the auspicious hour.

(what's the matter, lakshmi, why are you so talkative in the evening today?)

"ratna, chhotey is getting married... i hope i have done right by your children, we are trying so hard to keep anjali safe, i really don't know how i couldn't tell... that... damad ji..." she was in the middle of her quiet talk with her herself and her child when her pet goat pranced in.

lakshmi ji ran to nani ji and reached over swiftly, picking up a betel leaf from the tray and chomping on it fast.

nani ji frowned. this was not like her at all. and lakshmi must have just had dinner. even while nani ji pondered worried, lakshmi grabbed another betel leaf and ate it up.

why was she so upset nani wondered.

***

"ee dekhau, humaar sanka devi ke vaaste toh humaar saadi ka joda hai hi, nand kissore, ooka haldi ke liye... par payaliya, my darling one, where will i find a lehenga for you now?" bua ji wailed.

(just look, i have my wedding lehenga for the goddess of craziness, nand kishore, for her turmeric ceremony... but payal dear, my darling one, where will i find a lehenga for you now!)

this sudden burst of emotion out of the blue had everyone flummoxed for a moment. then khushi's voice was heard loud and clear, "oh ho buaji, don't worry for nothing, you know... we can both get into your saadi ka lehenga and still there will be space..."

she giggled and jumped around her bua ji.

"haink! mazaak karat hau, apni bua ki sizewa lekar aisan kahat ho... hai re nand..." bua ji wailed higher still...

(what! you're making fun of me, saying such things about your aunt's size... oh lord nand...)

as garima cut in, "khoosie! does anyone speak like that to an elder...!!"

unfazed, khushi danced some more and hugged her aunt, "sabse bada sizewa hai kisska pata hai, bua ji?" she asked and made silly funny faces at her glowering aunt.

(you know what has the largest size?)

then she fell on madhumati ji again, and yelled, "aapke dil ka, bua ji.. itna bada xxxl dil toh kissi ka ho hi nahin sakta... ussi liye thoda bada lehenga chaiye tha... samjhi aap?

(your heart, bua ji! such a large xxxl heart no one can have... which is why you need a slightly larger lehenga... d'you understand?)

"titaliya," beamed her bua, om locket stuck on a fold of sumptuous neck, "tum kitni sararti ho gayi ho... aur bhi zyada... kaa baat hai, mohabbat ho gayi hai na babua se?"

(butterfly mine, you have become so naughty, even more so, what's the matter... fallen in love with sonny boy, is it?)

billo mausi simpered and sighed at that. her hand automatically reached for her pins.

shashi gupta saw that and smiled a little, behen ji had been behaving rather strangely of late, but he was happy her mood had lifted. he had just called rajat ji and invited him to come for the wedding, it would be a nice surprise for billo behen ji.

payal blushed a full happy red and looked down, her ears flaming. she was horrified, what was happening to her.

khushi thought of the way she had felt just a while back and said, "nahiin, bua ji... it's all jadoo tona... xxxl jadoo tona...," caught hold of her jiji's hand and ran off with her into their bedroom.

(noo, bua ji... it's all black magic... xxxl black magic...)

"xxxl jadoo tona? hai re nand kissore!" came buaji's lusty exclamation.

"devi maiyya raksha karna!" replied khushi still laughing giddily.


***

it was early morning, the clock in bua ji's living room was about to strike seven when the phone rang.

it was sunday, no office today, who could it be, khushi wondered as she struggled to wake up and answer the phone.

then her heart beat went haywire... was it arnav ji?

she grabbed the phone and whispered, "haylow!"

the voice she heard made her heart go still and very very cold.

index

chapter 40