what do you do with a feeling? one you never thought you had place for. one you never knew. episodes 149/150/151.
i was in a rush. a backlog of almost 12 episodes, plus a couple not done from before, could i finish it in these two weeks of practice? maybe i'll do a couple of combined episodes ones, just choose one scene and talk about it... in this frame of mind i watched 149 to 151. i was fully concentrated on identifying a handful of scenes, started paring away looking for just what i wanted... and was struck by what i found... there was loads of fun and games and bromance and things... but below all that a serious dialogue between a man and his most perplexing emotions.
he had not planned on love. in fact, he shunned it. in his eyes pyaar was galat. he'd do anything to be sahi. anything to wipe away, obliterate the galat perpetrated by a father, a galat that took away his mother, practically annihilated a young boy. he had to stay away from this terrible thing. so he never allowed it in, no fantasies about what will happen when a girl comes into his life. no musings about saansey and things. only work... extreme effort to get beyond the tragedy of life.
so he had no idea what this feeling was all about. like i have no clue about the surface of the moon, they say it's been landed on, but till i get there... and suppose it reached me before i'd done some hectic reading, would i even know it was the moon?
the moon is always big and watching in ipk, and there's always the sun rising.
when he saw her that very first time, something happened to both. what it was neither knew... yet there was a note taking by the gut. a rise of emotions. unfathomable. two meetings, and she was on his mind...
aur uss ladki ka kya?... what about that girl? episode 5, anjali asks asr. his eyes say there is only one uss ladki, and she is on his mind. it's a classic asr scene, his complete persona almost in a few minutes, in a minimum of well crafted lines... and already she's made a mark.
"dulhan ke libas mein arnav singh raizada ke gode mein giri... kabhi socha uss kladki ke baare mein..." fell in your arms in bridal wear, ever thought about the girl? teases a gently interfering sister who cares and has again asked god for a bride for her brother... . an intense look, eyes transported to another space... flat reply, with the slightest hint of devil smile, "soch ke hi toh kiya tha..." thought and did what i did... he'd released her tapes to the media. challenged by her insistence that god exists and creates our destiny.
was he refuting her theory or really fighting back, sensing her getting into places he never let anyone in. that long long stare at her tremulous lips the very first time she fell into his arms, eyes moving down to them... caught... then somehow managing to look away.
he wasn't waiting for love. he had no fantasies about it. he had no way of knowing what was happening. yet something was.
by episode 7, akash seems to pick on something that his successful and smart cousin is not willing to see: uss din wali ladki hai kaun? usne gadi se zyada arnav singh raizada ke dimag mein dent kar diya. who is the girl from that day? looks like more than the car, she's made a dent in asr's intellect.
then came their many meetings and clashes. till her in a red saree... he couldn't just couldn't look away... so he punished her more... and had to save her even if it meant getting hurt, injured, even killed, himself. a hold of desperate hands in the rain... can't let go. why?
he had no answers, but he realised this was something new and impossible... inadmissible. not sahi... galat. not right... wrong. kissi ladki se koi faraq nahin padta. no girl makes any difference...
guesthouse came and with it again that need to reach her, save her. his first "khushi," his first complete loss of control. had to touch her hair, her cheek, a rush of sensations, had to cradle her and take on her responsibility it seemed, a streak of lightning showed a man looking at a woman endlessly as though they had never not been together... they were eternity.
he had no clue what was happening... again and again he asked himself what the h was going on.
and slowly despite lavanya being there, despite him making her move in with him, he couldn't stop thinking of her. oh that collapse of all barriers on diwali.
lavanya knew of love and recognised it for what it was. but even after knowing he had this thing about khushi... she was always there, that he couldn't bear to see her in tears, she moved him, he wanted to protect her, he wanted to do things to make her happy, he wanted her badly, madly even... he still had no idea what this feeling was. he had no notion of love, never having allowed it into his conscious mind. no picture. no expectation. no recognition.
for that, krishna had to come.
nand kissore... bua ji's ishara that he is the ultimate lover, the beautiful namesake's emissary... later she sees three nand kissore in her inebriated state... all of it pointed to a little play by the writers. of course, to give depth to story, but how well conceived. what lovely understanding of the protagonist they created. when his di asks again and again to tell her why he's breaking off with lavanya... the anguished... "bata deta agar..."
why "agar"? would he have said... "agar main jaanta kyun?" would have told you if i knew why?
he was feeling many feelings, swamped by them... but what did they all add up to? to come to faraq nahin padta turning to faraq padta hai, to make him hear his first dhak dhak, we needed nand kishore... you know, nk. normally nand kishore arrived from up there, but this time a little variation, he came from down under.
at crucial moments the story that started with "hai re nand kissore," always returned to him.
when asr heard nk was coming, a familiar irritation at the thought of this nutty cousin's cousin who called him naanav/nannav, without any fear that too. (my mind rambles: almost as though krishna knew the little boy that dwelt in the big bad ogre's self... as much a part of him as anything else. that that little boy, laughing, tender, full of tricks, suddenly shut off, needed a friend... and he was that friend. and why the naanav then nannav? also in bangla krishna is often called noni gopal, referring to his penchant for fresh butter, any connection?)
but when he introduced nk to khushi in an exasperated moment, he had no idea what it would do to him. to see the two immediately hit it off. to watch nk "fall" for khushi and chase her around, to have him invite her as his "taarikh." to look at khushi all happy and cosy with this crazy creature with his flamenco beat.
a little break, please.
when 149 starts, a die indi moment. "haan aman... listen... what?!..." asr is in the car, speaking to yes, aman (peace)... he says that and shifts his phone to the other side... how natural is that... did the director tell him or he did it on his own... so life like, and that busy executive air.
"no way..." oh grain in voice... i'd like to buy some if i may.
okay break over. onto nk and khushi and the intro.
"lekin sab kuch perfect hona chahiye... yeh main apne bhai ke liye kar raha hoon, understood?" he's talking about the party he's planned, everything must be perfect he's doing it for his bro... later khushi will tell him he can never do anything for others, not understand the pleasure bringing a smile to someone's face brings. she is not being fair... she knows it, i think, but the moment is too rife with layers of hurt and pain all ricocheting off one another, and exploding.
in the house, nk does "kathak," khushi gapes, the bwoys come to manage the scene. lots of fun.
"kaan gaye hai yeh toh bataya that, dimaag ke bare mein toh anjali ji kuch kahe hi nahin." khushi is looking at nk and thinking of what di had said about the saree seller... hard of hearing, but hadn't mentioned he was nuts.
classic case of mistaken identities on.
"yeh, nk bhai... kya?"... akash.
"what the!"... guess who.
"shh... bahut chillati hai... very strict," nk says she screams a lot. he's been told by di, the dance teacher, he of course thinks khushi is she, is most strict.
"woh toh sirf iss liye kyunki anjali ji ne kaha tha ki saree wale ko kam sunai deta hai," that's only because di said the saree man little deaf... she's yelling. fantastically natural both sanaya and karan... delightful lightness.
"okay stop... yeh khushi hai... koi dance master nahin hai... aur yeh koi saree wala nahin hai... hamara cousin bhai hai... nand kishore."
stop! yells the man. enough... this is khushi whose sis will marry akash, and this is cousin nk.
khushi's prompt "o" and my recollection of draupadi and nk/krishna and vastra haran, happen practically together. yes, much later, the mortal nk will stand by his friend khushi as her sakha and defend her against the public stripping shyam in duryodhan/dushasan style will subject her to. that story of draupadi's saree being pulled off her body by dushasan, as she pleads to krishna to save her from this dishonour; dushasan keeps pulling and the saree keeps coming undone... but never ending, always covering her body, her sense of honour, still gives me goosebumps.
saree wala krishna... some might think he doesn't hear, but if you speak from your heart, no way he won't listen.
a delicate subtlety in writing... unless all this occurs to us, the writers never meant it. no idea.
nk says, "aur main saree wala nahin hoon. main iss ghar mein toh... beiman hoon."
khushi corrects him... first of many times... "beiman nahin, mehmaan." not a cad, a guest.
they start chatting promptly, silly, light, girl and boy.
and into the lightness enters a streak of red... burning... a feeling in the head, a zizz in the gut, a look in the eye. he hadn't bargained on this... that she would immediately start laughing and get all friendly with nk.
"hum khushi hai..."
"hum bhi bahut khushi hai..."
the long hand shake has him in a state.
and "phir toh aap bua ji ko bahut pasand ayenge," khushi's then you'll be a favourite of bua ji's brings in the lady around whom a naughty tale writers will spin... innocent yet oddly suggestive.
"inerfamily intro khatam ho gaya ho, toh kaam karen. bahut baki hai." if your inter-fam introductions are over, let's get to work.
absolutely hot gorgeous seething man in brown jacket, brown eyes fiery, lips dangerously pursed.
akash makes it terrible, "nk bhai ko toh apna perfect match mil gaya. khushi ji." nk's got his perfect match. khushi ji.
the eyes stilled, the face too, then the eyes moved... le.thal.
akash didn't see the look, he left to mind nk. only the music knew what went through asr at that moment. something he hadn't thought of at all.
and off this instant friendship came a plan to ruin asr's party and make it more palatable for her jiji. what khushi perhaps forgot as she showed a certain haq over him, is that he too has a place, a right to do his party his way. wonder if she ever considered that. chances are... not.
she was a bit worried about the non-desi stance of a laad gov evening. rather judgmental too in announcing it would be boring. but may have, just may have stayed off, but nk wouldn't allow that. there was work to be done. a feeling taken to its correct recognition.
he said, uh huh, she had a say in this party as being payal's sis, she was a stakeholder too. i thought of shareholder meetings that brought down boards.
and so the two tried to persuade the seething one. who looked coolly indifferent and said things sexily so the viewer went bananas but not without noticing, he told her it would be the best party of her life.
so he had invited her.
also he told nk to stay away from her, ostensible because she's crazy.
or was it because he was going crazy watching them together.
"crazy people." yeah. right.
i don't think at this point he knew it to be jealousy. just a terrible feeling. he knew not why.
but after he'd heard his own dhak dhak... oh then it was jealousy supreme. felt like a master flautist had him dancing to a tune.
in 150, khushi tried to make him change his mind about the videsi party... add desi rang in party... agar nahin hua toh... if it's not there...
"toh tum uncomfortable feel karogi?" then you'll feel uncomfortable? what was that in his voice. a little concern? some tease?
"ji..." she looks hesitant, unsure... picked that concern in his voice? melting? "abhi bhi waqt hai, bas ek do jilebi ke stall laga dijiye... aur thodi chaat..." there's still time, just a couple of jalebi stalls...
gritted teeth, "aisa kuch nahin hoga..." nothing of this sort will happen. note, he hasn't banged the phone down. he is having a conversation about this party which he wants to be just right for his bro. he has no idea it's love that keeps him here, keeps him tied to a strange loony girl. jalebi? he wouldn't even allow indian classical music, no, with a little expression that devastates... some "jazz... or (and i couldn't figure out that word)."
"nahin hoga?... pa... par hume lagta hai ki..." won't happen? then i feel...
"ki tum nahin aogi, right?" that you won't come, right? he prompts her suddenly, cutting off all argument.
"haan?" she's taken aback... never thought of that.
"toh ek kaam karo, mat aao... it's ok. jo kaam log karna nahin chahte main usske liye unhe push nahin karta, you see..." delicate pause... "bad manners hote hain."
then do one thing, don't come... it's ok. i don't want to push people into doing things they don't want to... it's bad manners.
there's a push and a tease and a getting close and intimate in that. she just affects him... he doesn't seem to be able to control it. even when she's doing something where he's legitimately right in objecting.
"aur waise bhi... maine tumhe invite hi kab kiya tha..." and anyway, when did i even invite you.
smash. game to asr. nasty boy. he was upset, he was angry at all that nk-khushi team making and the interference, he had to give it to her. a decent rally, but then, a little falter by khushi and one smooth powerful shot.
takes off blue tooth. he's done.
"woh laad gov ki itni himmat ki hume party mein nahin bulaya?
she's hurt, and angry... how dare the laad gov... not call her to the party?
the sweet, caring, loving khushi... he seems to bring out the worst in her. after acknowledging why she couldn't marry shyam, she'd decided not to look at a feeling any more. so she resolutely stays away from it. but that feeling wants its own fun. khushi is hurt too... the man didn't call her. how could he.
so a pretense of having hurt her ankle and so too bad she can't come for the party... but jiji must.
till again, circumstances and a ceratin interfering, take over aspect in madam's nature takes her to the venue of the changed menu.
151 has him looking at her nonplussed. she lovely in flowing blue, the colour of night... months later shades of this blue in an intense reverie, rich in psychological meaning... teri meri.
"tum!"
you didn't call me but what to do i couldn't say no to nanhe ji, says the coquettish khushi, most upset by that remark of his.
she's out to get him... hurt, hurt back, hurt once more... so many signs of love. yet one is in denial and the other doesn't know this is what it is.
aur waise bhi maine tumhe invite hi kab kya tha, he'd said, forgetting he had actually taken it for granted that she'd come. his huq over them.
she starts, "waise kaafi udas party hai na... bilkul phiki, bina namak chini ki... arre haan ab agar sugar ki bimari hai toh chini toh kam hi hogi..." seems like quite a dull party, absolutely bland, without salt or sugar, of course, if one has a sugar problem then how to add sugar...
nasty mood, khushi ji. awww.
a conversation between the two is always on. nk is puzzled. what's that in asr's eyes. she is here with nk... what else could be there in his eyes, nk bhai?
right through the evening, he can't stop staring at her... all sorts of emotions in him. she is no less aware... raises her voice to apprise someone, when nanhe ji said she must come, she couldn't say, "no." khushi never asked herself why she had to get her back at him.
"walk straight, dammit!" he of course heard her and had to dammit someone.
she baits him. "hume party mein nahin bulaya" vs "how could she come with nk." i should be laughing but it's becoming hard. i know these feelings and they are all painful. maybe necessary, but painful nonetheless.
a difficult evening moves on. she does whatever she pleases with it. he says nothing. he lets her. telling, i thought.
till the very end.
only when she smiles brightly and invites him to thank her, that he snaps. and in all the turmoil, oversteps the mark... hurts her. again.
"sirf ek pal ke liye mujhe aisa laga tha shayad mujhe tumse yeh poochna chahiye... ki tumhara rishta toot gaya issliye upset ho?... kya hua... tum theek toh ho?"
for a moment i'd thought that maybe i should ask you, your engagement broke... are you upset because of that? what happened? are you ok?
she's beginning to dull, dim, ache... all the pent up emotions, dissipating... taking her down.
"tumhara rishta?..." slightest cocking of an imperious brow, "hua tha... yaad hai na? jissko toote hue, lemme think, abhi ek hafta bhi nahin hua hai... par uss baat ka tum par koi asar pada aisa lagta toh tum yahan meri party ko desi banane mein lagi ho... you really surprise me."
he is punishing in his attack... remember you had an engagement which broke, what, less than a week ago, yet it doesn't seem like it left a mark on you, you are busy making my party desi... you really surprise me.
"aap ki baat... hume bilkul hairan nahin karti... hum jabbhi milte hain... jabbhi aap humse kuch kahna chahte hain... hum aise hi," she's choking... "nahin aise nahin... isse bhi kadwi baatein sunne ke liye taiyaar rahte... kyunki kuch achha toh aap bol hi nahin sakte... ya phir aapne seekha nahin hai..."
but what you say doesn't surprise me... whenever we meet i am prepared to hear bitter words like this... no even more than this... because you never say anything nice... or perhaps you never learned to. she has a point there. he is usually nasty as h.
on talk of his toota rishta... he turns away.
he didn't see her tear this time.
he hadn't meant to hurt her, just ease the anger, the pain he felt...
he turned back, a part of him revealed in his eyes.
but she was gone.
when he caught up with her... oh he did go after her. that he had to. no choice. he may not know what his feelings meant. but there never was any question about what he had to do when it came to her. she was insisting on going home alone in the middle of the night. she too was hurting badly. and he couldn't let her. the sensible man and the lover were one in this decision it seemed. his anguish at not being able to get through to her. he has no right over her... he knows she's doing badly within... he wants to haul her to his car maybe, yet a funny sensitivity. tonight it's tough for both of them...
lines from tagore's shapmochan... "jao morte, shekhane dukha paabe dukkha debe" (alas not on the net, can't correct, straight from fading memory) go to the mortal world, curses indra. his court musician and dancer have committed the folly of forgeting their duty to indra in their love for each other... go to earth, live a mortal life, give pain, receive pain, and that pain will be your prayashcitta... penitance. then you'll find each other and love and return to this exalted state again... just flows though my mind.
"khushi stop this..." dark, saturnine, remorse in every bit of him. he can't help hurting her he can't see her hurt... complicated... it's love.
"khushi kumari gupta, tum andar aa sakti ho..." kkg, you may enter, he'd said in 149/50. way after she was already very much in. entrenched.
he will soon realise why.
...............................
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