hi rhea,
thanks so much.
people fear... okay, today i am in that funny mood and shall say what often bothers me about people... and i speak of the collective, because behaving in a crazy mass sort of way seems to be our wont and we do everything we can to avoid individuality, standing out, being what our inner self may call us to be.
so we fear.
especially heady mad love... because it calls us to be a little crazy, it may or may not give us what we want, it may fail. and we are forever processing everything from the point of view of outcome, results, whatever.
it is easier to chase money, because we instinctively feel money cannot hurt us, we have control over it. and money will therefore make us happy.
but love?
yet i really think, if anything will ultimately make you feel life, be alive, go the trip your limited life span on earth will be, then it must be that complete sort of feeling you develop for another being. a real being, who will not be all you want them to be, who will bother the heck out of you, make you plunge in and find things about yourself you didn't even know and raise yoy to giddy heights of joy within. fall in love with all you have in you and really it will lead you where and beyond you never know.
the journey will not be easy. that is pretty mandatory.
but really, the courageous will find immense wealth and inconceivable happiness.
mills and boon, for whatever reason, hinted at that. all the time. it said: be giddy, go for head over heels, fall, let go...
it called out to me as i grew up... 12 to 17, i must have read a millie boonie a day, often skipping, hitting page 57 for kiss one, rushing to the end for the pull drag dhakdhak scene. innocent happy silly stuff, but a purity in it. some will call it stupidity.
okay, give it to them... stupidity. but pure.
that purity appeals. it's like gold. it's like asr. it's like that essential molten feeling between asr and khushi.
if you believe that can exist, it does. if not... not.
we create our realities, i believe that like asr.
just because a thing doesn't fit our highly limited rational examination, does not mean it isn't there...
think god, you'll know what i mean.
i love ipk unashamedly unabashedly completely. even when i want to scream and slap someone.
i have seen and gone a bit nuts over enough handsome men in my life, they didn't get me to watch a serial (not even "mad men" has done it... maybe because i am ready to look at the pure and don't need constant nuancing by what we term "reality"... i felt terrible when i heard betty had cancer... how we fear, how much we fear to want something truly), nothing got me writing this frantically, not even my honours course in literature, not my work as copywriter. this feeling that i must write.
it was this romance, this love which said to h with fear and which got told by two actors who have such vibe that even dubbing doesn't diminish their pull... that got me here.
i used to watch in the middle of the night and often hear myself thinking: this will save the planet more than many pompous sounding do gooding stuff... and such a joy to see love and romance and its nature its storm and thunder brought back centre stage. i do believe people who love deeply and freely and experience all of it or are ready to, take better decisions in many things, because they are more "whole" in a way... okay this is a hypothesis, based on no real rigorous experimentation data gathering and inference... just a strong feeling.
when russian sounding names are among the first to hit like on an episode take or egyptian girls or someone else watching ipk now and very often minus the sounds of asr and kkg and are still falling apart, i just feel the power of this love story... and this astounding chemistry again. and so enjoy it.
may not surprise you to hear that most of my friends, people in their fifties and forties, avoid the topic, look at me with a trace of not too well concealed pity in their eyes if i mention the show or barun, i am sure they think i am fairly stupid. i am. i have no problem being stupid.
but i must write, i must...
so yeah, let whoever wants to laugh at m and b or disney type romance and reach for their "realistic" tempered and pruned pyaar do so... me leaping in with hair pin and taking the air out of my own inflated sense of intelligence, so it doesn't stop me from getting stuck and being silly... ohhh is that asr coming to help me fix things.
also...
two of my favourite men, asr and mr lee kuan yew have pondered the issue of power and how essential it is if you want to achieve something. i believe that. there are different kinds of places you look within yourself and delve for that power and establish it before the world.
khushi also believed in power, the power of her beliefs, her feelings and she also exceeded limits when she felt something needed to be done. i find it absolutely wrong to assume, asr's basic way of approaching life was full of holes and we needed the beautiful lovely kkg to come and remodel him. they were who they were, mix of the several things that make us, in themselves and they were in many ways alike, asr recognised certain things for what they were and said so. their story to me is more about an extra rational pretty impossible to define connection that two strangers begin to feel... and then you find they really seem to need each other, they each have a "key" that the other is unlocked with... as if each had been sent by life to the other to complete a story. doesn't mean either person changes and becomes someone else, just that they begin to be free... open up... evolve their own way, be more... reach... and yes, feel the sense of happiness deep within.
i hope asr is being brusque and unreasonable somewhere while looking incredibly sexy and kkgsr is planning her next crazy move to bother him... i hope he is being awfully arrogant with buyers and suppliers and winning like mad in business, i hope he is smiling a little condescendingly at kkgsr as she speaks of her sort of stuff but accepting that tika from her anyway... i hope she is making him his sugar free jalebi... and he is teaching her some jalebi making every night.
we need our fairy tales to reach out and grab love in life. all these millions of books on business and "serious matters", hehe just fairy tales of another kind, only those are about grabbing something else.
i shall not apologise for the length and incoherence of this jawab.
time was
running out... saansey was about to complete its term, i was still far
behind the target 139. only done up to 132. decided to do some ramanchi.
i would try and find one scene to talk about in the episodes pending
and see what i came up with.
and so i began to search and
noticed the moments... "something in the eyes" little scenes that were
there right through. almost every episode had them. asr's eyes mainly...
once in a way khushi's too.
after the blast and heat of:
"tum
samajhti kya ho apne aap ko"... who do you think you are... you think i
am angry because of you... that whatever i do i do because of you... if
you
think it makes any difference to me your being or not being here...
"tumhare hone ya na hone se koi faraq padta hai..." then forget it...
you don't even exist for me... do you understand... tum ho ya
na ho... whether you're there or not... kuch kaho, kuch karo... mujhe
usse
koi faraq nahin padta... whether you say something or do something,
doesn't make a damn difference to me...
after that
tirade, that spiraling of rage, something seems to have cooled inside
this ravaged, man constanty grappling with that edge of raw pain
writhing in him, trying to shut out all feelings with desperate ramparts
of don't care. but suddenly now there's an easing... especially since
she cut the fire with calm... and non aggression. a sort of cleansing
perhaps in that outpouring, a detox as it were.
ever since that
evening, he is curiously aware of her. and of course, just now in the
restaurant her "phree biskut" spin has him reaching desperately for his
smug, superior air just in case he should completely melt and show those
"pyaar wyaar" feelings he knows nothing of.
i was completely
blown away by these scenes coming up. if you string them together it's a
gorgeous length of, well this is ipk so it must be pearls, pearls that
would never lose nacre or lustre. arnav means ocean, and pearls find so
many references and allusions here. sometimes i think, the ocean had all
the pearls in him, among them the most precious one, his dil, someone
had to dive in and find it. then she came, togged in gota and off centre
plait, slip off mojris, pompoms bobbing, and a smile that would cheer
up the gloomiest soul. sunny, bright, sparkling a creature, that could
reach and light up the darkest corners of the ocean and find those
pearls.
how he enjoyed her "khushi" type sanka as they planned
the charging of jiji's resistence and uniting akash and payal. a love of
their siblings brought them together, but those hours of scheming
together, guard down, khushi in filmi overdrive, and then success,
achieved together... somehow it all made him feel all sorts of funny
things for this jhalli babe.
i must say again, he fell for her at
those weird khushi moments... that's when she got right through, past
all barriers and reinforced concrete walls, to his heart and left a
little mark there that was indelible. permanent damage.
and yes,
he did feel a certain something when she fought back and refused to take
nonsense from him. i think that fire attracted him too.
anyway, the scenes.
episode 133
here
as she tells him to manage akash, he looks at her home and suddenly his
mood seems to shift. a bit thoughtful, almost mellow, then he turns and
wants to tell her something... "uh, khushi, mujhe tumse kuch... "
uh,
khushi, something to you i wanted... the quality of his voice, a little
lost. contrite? unsure? the music had changed, become tender, like that
day that she told him about the stars.
what did he want to say
to her? this was a moment of quiet after the rage the previous evening
and all the hectic activity of the day... did he want to tell her he
didn't mean those things he'd said? about her not mattering? tum ho ya
na ho?
i couldn't figure out, but there was something sort of
terribly important he wanted to tell her... however that was not to be
since someone had disappeared.
"tum wahan kya kar rahi ho!" what are you doing there?
then the crazy coot talk from the floor... tell me he didn't fall for her then.
a cute exchange:
"akash achha hai... mera bhai hai." akash is good, he's my bro. so innocently arrogant if that makes any sense.
"usske bawajood bhi achchhe hain..." despite that he's nice. at his what the look, khushi's spin on that unwise comeback was really funny.
my favourite line:
"par khushi ek problem hai... tumhara plan bahut stoopid hai... fail ho jaayga."
but khushi there's a problem... your plan is very stupid... it will
fail. love the way the boy says "stoopid." very delhi... i say stoopid
just like that too.
a series of moments from the time he comes to
give payal the letter to all four of them walking back happily to the
car, where he looked at her, sometimes exasperated, or challenging, but
also oddly tender, considering, curious. they even managed to laugh
together, he was certainly utterly amused with this melodrama queen. and
had to admit her plan, however stoopid, had worked.
though
uncomfortable with the plan, he is happy for his brother, and at least
once he looks at her with what seemed like acknowledgement; of course,
our jhalli is in her hyper, over excited, doer mood and possibly misses
it.
his eyes find her again and again and there are so many
things they seem to say... but for now she misses most of them, though
once in a way there's a meeting of eyes and and a delightful awkwardness
in her, always a search in him.
"main baat karoonga, ghar walo ko main sambhal loonga..."
i will talk to the family and manage them. when he says that, she looks
at him with clear, happy eyes, gentle, grateful, acknowledging.
so she does one part, he the other. partners... team... equals? can't stop looking at her as they walk to the car.
episode 134
"bhai, khushi ji thodi paagal hai... ekdam alag hai,"
bhai, khushi ji is a bit mad, absolutely different... when akash says
that, involuntarily a look in asr's eyes. akash walks away. a pause...
music running around the mind... his face getting softer, he's
reflecting upon something rather lovely... a smile lifts a corner of his
lips. "haan pagal toh hai..." yes, mad she
is. sounded like, "absolutely gorgeous she is." and tell me, what's
that look in his eyes. i mean how terribly doting and tender and dreamy
must a man look.
"pagal," he said like a man in love on a holi morning, even when he thought she was a harlot, a home wrecker.
such a telling scene this. she is firmly entrenched under his skin... dare i say, in his heart.
when
she storms his den with many questions, alleging gross inefficiency and
ineffectiveness in his mission, he doesn't yell at her... most unusual.
instead, he tries to get her to calm down.
"khushi? relax...
calm down... gehrin saans lo," take deep breaths. but she is incapable
of such things at this point... too excitable.
and so comes the fabulous...
"shhh!"
a
hilarious exchange between the two about the problem at hand. he is
trying to stay cool, obviously he's told himself that he can handle miss
sanaka. brave fellow. see i'm cool is his air. but she manages to
irritate him and the snarl is almost out. madam is delighted, hero is
unable to control emotions, gets gussa. she will teach him how to be
poised and persuasive and influence mami. after listening to her filmi
dialogues for a while, asr has to say what he has to say.
"what crap."
episode 136
everyone
is at gh, nani ji has come to ask payal's elders for her hand in
marriage... as everyone settles down, khushi goes to shut the door, and
his hand comes and touches the door at the same time as hers. his hand
covers her hand. neither flinch from the touch. instead, a long, aware
look. he seems to just want to look at her... almost searching for
something at times. i loved the car keys hanging from his thumb... felt
like asr. something terribly active about this character... he strides,
he goes up to life, he moves... sometimes mountains. that key looked
somehow sexy, don't ask me why.
later his ire at the talk of
khushi's fiance and those looks exchanged between them as she knocks on
her fiance's door. this man is terribly aware of her. more than ever
before.
episode 137
a
moment with her when she is troubled... a helping hand on the door, as
though to say, "i am here." what an intimate and intense shot up there.
the body language is so expressive. they seem to flow into each other,
she turns to him, seeking, he look sat her, his body protective almost
in stance, eyes looking into hers... need me? i'm, here.
they are just acting, right?
then he lingers... shall i call the doctor... some people feel like your own, even if nothing says so officially.
"kuch dawaiyya ya kuch..."
some medicines or, some... he doesn't just walk away. even when he
leaves, a turn back, a bit of thinking, perhaps wondering if he can help
her in any way.
later, he returns to apologise to payal. the sorry is almost blurted out like he couldn't wait to say it. asr never says sorry. "sorry, meri vajah se apki shadi tot gayi... ekbar rishta pukka ho jaye, phir sorry bol doonga..."
sorry, because of me your wedding was called off... i thought let the
relationship get the nod, then i'll say sorry. an air of urgency, an
innocence, an almost vulnerable open face. "maine use jaane se roka tha... i'm really sorry," i stopped her from leaving... i'm really sorry.
and finally, jumping to her defence... "usski koi galati nahin thi," it was no fault of hers. bravo, asr, you've come a long way, baby.
my favourite line, "decide khushi kumari gupta, what do you want?" around that forceful turn around and almost collide into each other... lots of centripetal force here.
then
as she is about to answer, he says, you know what... i don't want to
know. nice. when his eyes said things, she was too hyper to hear. now
her eyes are soft and yielding, so he must run. could be because he
could sense the danger... he might melt and become puddle.
no problem. she lets the air out of his tyre and we are treated to another classic bout of comedy.
episode 138
as
i look at babu ji reacting to anjali, and all the "sya... sya," i am
amazed that khushi never made the connection once she found out... she
didn't figure out that babuji knew.
138 builds up toward and gets
set for the revelation of 139. khushi has picked up enough hints to get
really concerned. perhaps a part of her has already arrived at the
truth. but it is so shocking maybe she can't process it.
"tum yahan kya kar rahi ho..." what are you doing here, he asks sensing she's not quite herself. in
her confusion and growing suspicion she's wandered into his den... it's
him always she needs when she needs real help, like in the hospital...
beautiful touch, she does it instinctively.
"kya hua?" what happened? she's silent, eyes lost.
"kuch chahiye tumhe?" do you want something? a little brusque the coice, yet there's concern... and patience.
"kuch baat karni hai?" do
you want to say something? i wonder did he want to hear something from
her? so tender... seems to bridge right back to 133 and his searching
preamble "khushi, mujhe tumse..."
she
is terribly troubled. her eyes focus but it's brimming with an ominous
feeling. she turns and leaves, unable to say what's bothering her.
edit:
reading anita's comments reminded me of something i wanted to say here.
it's such good story telling and insight, she's found her way to his
room... to him, without knowing so consciously. in fact, she's startled
to find herself here. it looks as though she's wondering aimlessly in
her frazzled state, but she has unerrigly made her way to the place
where she needs to come... to him, to find calm, sense, protection. her
insides have sensed that care, that protectiveness that flows from him.
beautiful. there was never any need to say this was love, you just felt
it was. uff if only i could write like that.
he goes back
to work with an "unbelievable..." maybe, he needs to shake off that
unfamiliar feeling of concern and care for this woman who means nothing
to him... whether she's there or not, it really makes no difference.
faraq nahin padta.
only one piece, this item.
completely unedited. hmmm.
......................
feeling arnav ji feeling episodes
episode rambles
fanfiction
it
has to be one of my most favourite asr kkg moments, that white sleeved
arm coming out and pushing the door open, even as she struggled to reach
it as she took her father back to his room.
and the look asr
gave khushi, how much was in that... how can all the time so much be
said without using practically any words. back in communications class,
we often talked of subliminal communication, non verbal communication,
etc. with these two one gets a complete sense of that.
earlier he
had pushed open a door when she least expected it. now again. maybe all
this means something. even if it doesn't, the way he looks at her and
she responds, it's hard to imagine these are actors and that isn't love,
just make believe.
of course, shashi ji has recognised anjali
and is beside himself with worry and a desperation to communicate the
truth about shyam. "sya... sya..." he calls out. khushi understands it's
shyam he speaks of... but she doesn't even begin to guess what the
truth might be, although she knows both anjali's husband and her fiance
have the same name.
in
the sitting room there's talk of calling khushi's mangetar, fiance. the
look of ire and that something else on asr's face is again talkative as
hell, shyam babua is mentioned again and again. yet, all these fairly
intelligent people, none of them connect the two names when all hell
breaks lose later post kidnap... of course, asr doesn't believe khushi
when she tells him the facts. no one seems to recall that bua ji had
clearly uttered khushi's fiance's name and it was shyam.
a
beautiful look exchanged between the two lovers over the fiance search.
the lovers quite unaware of their intense attraction, one deciding to
relegate it to acidity and the other hellbent on running away from any
and all tender feelings coming over him. but he keeps being terrifically
sweet to her today.
clearly this is arnav singh raizada's dil
at work. the same one which he complains about to khushi one evening on a
telepathic chat. '"itni koshish ki, maine itni zyada koshish ki tumse
nafrat kar sakoon... par main tumse nafrat kar hi nahin paya, mera
khudka dil meri baat hi nahin maanta," i tried so hard to hate you but i
couldn't, my own heart wouldn't listen to me.
he'd told her it's
best if she kept away from him, but he couldn't stop himself from
rushing to help her. as he stood there watching her fret over babu ji,
he looked so concerned, maybe he recalled how important her father was
to her, and her fear and despair at the hospital. when he came out of
the room, he hesitated and looked back, something was bothering him...
as he left their place he saw khushi hugging her sister in great joy, he
watched, his eyes seemed to twinkle as if he were really happy to see
her so thrilled... maybe he did a little bit of all this not just for
akash, but also for the girl who means nothing to him.
then
came that sublime hesitation and his decision at last to come back.
khushi was totally taken aback. he wanted to speak to her alone? no, not
her, her sister. kkg jumped in front of payal protectively. he looked
sternly at her, looking even more drop dead gorgeous if it were possible
and said with his impeccable delhi amriki accent, "leave us alone."
payal
was lovely as she told her sis to be reasonable and let him talk to
her. khushi pouted. asr frowned. does this man practice his frowns? how
does he get them to look this good? inbhestigasson kareka padi.
thankfully, the favourite ipk rescue devise, the phone... it rang.
out came "hay.. haylo," kkg style.
and a few feet away, a quick "sorry," asr style.
i
loved that scene, everything about it. payal was magnificent, asr was
moving... then with a touch of the comic khushi barged in. she heard
what was being said... and again was struck by a million emotions. tears
threatened to pour, a tremulous smile its first indication.
payal said the trouble was khushi believed the breaking of payal's wedding was all her fault.
a
man who said he had no heart in his chest, who said she meant nothing
to him, jumped in protectively, "usski koi galati nahin hai..." it's no
fault of hers.
again
i felt that traction, something entered and settled in my heart. this
was a feeling that needed no name, just needed to be cherished and
pondered... if need be in lengthy essays on a hindi tv serial, even if
people thought one was mad for doing that.
lovely writing and
direction all through. episode was so thick with meaning and beauty and
every kind of emotion... hate, love, nurturing, wonder, joy, sadness,
sombreness, playfulness, comedy, an exciting sexual tension.
he
said that and immediately noticed khushi was standing right there, she
had overheard him.. she was reacting and he knew she was getting really
emotional. tears in her eyes.
he attempted what he had to. a
quick get away. by the way, has he grown even more lithe and there's a
catlike grace to his movements which is causing fairly severe breathing
problem this side of the screen.
she gave chase... he had to listen
to her... he turned back and said, okay, tell me. she started saying
what she waned to, clearly she was going to be nice.
could he
risk that? his instincts leapt in to protect him khadoos asr man of
dimag, just as he'd repeatedly moved with alacrity to shield her. the
same momentum with which he'd suddenly turned and blocked her, he turned
away and marched off... seems he didn't want to hear what she had to
say.
of course, he didn't. it might touch him too much and no way could he let that happen.
such fascinating play of a so many subtle and not so subtle emotions of attraction across the episode.
she
rushed after him and did something totally bizarre. she took the air
out of his tyre with a hair pin. i felt all sorts of things coming
through, led chiefly by a sense of extreme sexual tension that makes you
almost giddy headed and you need some sort of release...
for
the past two days they'd been too close too often... planning together,
wholly immersed in a shared project, not being nasty, sensing each
other's emotions, especially he could feel her many feelings for her
family and was clearly moved... and just as by the poolside on diwali
night there was the "wo sab" she didn't understand and that left her
breathless, so also this caring protective man, gently asking her
questions, there for her, apologising to her sis, saying she is not at
fault.
it was all a bit too much.
something had to be done to go back to even keel... a little nafrat times. back to laad governor and sanka devi equation.
thwarted
when she tried to be nice, khushi opted for nasty. and the tyre went
flat. she stood grinning her head off, while he looked stunned then
freaked out.
now you'll have to stay... she declared.
he
swung out of his car and did some more of that lithe killer walk ending
up right before her, angry and incredulous. what the f... went his
angry voice, while his eyes grew most ungentle. are you crazy, he asked.
by now, her reply possibly didn't surprise him any more.
aap
crazy, she retorted of course. he turned back to leave. i was
intrigued. no real yelling again. he was really crazy, wasn't he? for
her.
she
did her sorry aur dhanyavad bit. he stopped, rabba ve notes wandered
in on a lilting note, a little inquisitive... asr looked at her
quizzically.
yeah, he reminded me of mills and boon words a lot today.
when
she said there's a reason for her weird words, he muttered under his
breath since when does she need a reason to talk. sounded like a
possessive, smitten lover to me. his "isse" and "usse" sound so
intimate, almost caressing. never have i heard the third person singular
sound this endearment like. and that avoiding of all eye contact or
conversation about his apology to payal... again it said he cared too
much and needed to not be found out, by anyone else or even himself.
he
couldn't help himself and began to smile a bit at what she'd said, when
again sanka attack, she summarily wished him bye and told him to leave.
oh
that look on his face when he processed this. that smile which said,
she's crazy, ah well... i love her just like that whispered something
amid all that shrug and bye and cocked head and amused half smile.
turned out, he didn't know how to change a tyre. they wrangled a bit over it, what! you can't change a tyre?! yeah so, big deal!
of
course, the jalebi maker was also an expert tyre changer. she might not
be able to push a car but change tyre she is expert at.
we went
right back to the adversaries mode of lovers, a little aggression,
skirmishes, constant contact of another kind, through anger, ire,
irritation... but contact.
kids laughed at him, really why are kids constantly making fun of this man... anyway, they called him "uncle".
then she referred to him as uncle.
he was genuinely horrified.
she
fixed the new tyre and prayed for a good and safe journey. obviously
writers were dropping major isharas, hints about something... a new
track maybe? i was never good at understanding all this. so i just
gawked at the fabulous romance.
she refused to say sorry to him. but khushi, he is also going to thank you for changing the tyre... not.
ha, the man had the last word.
such a game of love, this last word getting.
a
young beautiful funny girl in tight churidar and a young totally
handsome guy in formals, that too grey and white, changing a wide, heavy
tyre together, well he did help her roll it into place... all this
looked unbelievably erotic and also cute at once. asr and khushi always
evoke layered nuanced response.
she called a spanner... paana...
the hindi for "to get". paana hai... need to get, she called out. kya
paana hai? what do you need to get, he barked back, frowning. again much
more than what was said, was said.
......................
feeling arnav ji feeling episodes
episode rambles
fanfiction
a post from a conversation with a friend on the blast from the past thread on india-forums. the fan group barun's angels had just started to post new pictures of barun sobti.
okay,
after reading that could not hold myself back, rhea. was talking about a
barun shot released by some barun's angels today, going nuts wondering
where he might have worn the white shirt, grey waistcoat seen there. i
actually missed him so damn terribly, went and found four sets of scenes
where he was in that combination, made random caps from 137 and 200,
killers both and in different ways... no need to edit...
and
after mandir came "chot." in that white shirt grey waistcoat look. one
of my favourites, that profile of his, asr thinking of his chot and
trying to hold on somehow... where is this actor. i want to kill
someone.
how i wished that angel's edit was a new shot. white shirt waistcoat was always extraordinary. remember 137?
