episode 43 gadbad thoughts

two clear and distinct layers in this episode. one takes us through the twists and turns of the outer, evident story. the other loses its way in memory, in yearning, in feelings not yet described and given a name to. as mami ji says, "arnav... kaahe itna laast lagat ho?" why are you looking so lost, arnav? why indeed. 
 
a song came to mind as i watched two people helplessly veering into thoughts of each other, without volition, without premeditation. as if the memories called out to them.

credit: tips music

khushi was not quite herself when payal said, it looked like lavanya had kept a fast for asr, she saw him opening it for her. uh huh, something about this did not gel with khushi. though all she could think of apparently was eating aloo poori the next day, the fast having spiked her need for food a notch higher. khushi and her constant food talk. a cover for something? like that incessant chatter of hers? maybe a little girl is lost permanently inside trying to find her way home, and to keep the thoughts at bay a defensive layer of noise and filling spaces that are empty inside? despite her stars and her upbeat demeanour, some things in her begged resolution. but sp and ph decided women were bahurias and super human, so that never got looked at. pity. if there was ever a man on television who could have had a meaningful relationship with a real woman, it was arnav singh raizada.

this was impossible. every time she closed her eyes, a scene from that day played in her mind. teej... she would have fallen if he hadn't caught her... then she walked away and again felt dizzy, he caught her in time again, jerked her close to him...no! her eyes flew open. again she tried and again an image of the man. she could even hear his voice, "pehle do kadam chalna seekho, phir mooh kholna." she leapt up and sat upright, desperate.

"gadbad ho gayi, jiji... tumne uska naam le liya. ab saari raat humey neend nahin aayegi... baar baar ussika khayal aata rahega." ah mr gadbad was creating problems again. thanks ami, for that name and there goes another word, becoming forever ipk. gadbad. mistake, something gone wrong. jiji, mistake that was... you took his name, now the whole night i won't get sleep... again and again his thoughts will keep on coming. why khushi? why is mr gadbad so in your thoughts? rakshas that he is, why can't you just dismiss him?

 
"hey devi maiyya... humari raksha karna."

next morning, busy khushi gets making mounds of poori, but as is wont to happen these days, again gadbad. bua ji in foul mood hands her the sindoor box to keep properly. out it flies from her hand and falls on the table top. blood red vermilion. 

and a memory triggers.

she's dashing into him at ber sarai, sindoor from her platter all over him,
 
he's holding her hand to steady her, she feels his touch, his warmth, his strength,
 
he looks at her hand in his, something in his eyes, they're both touched by sindoor.

no. she can't think of him. dm, please don't let that rakshas's thoughts ruin her happiness. khushi, what if those thoughts are your happiness? noticed yesterday? for a short while they made you forget food?

segue to rm, a contented asr who has just seen his family relaxed and happy around the magical bonhomie of shyam, picks up a glass of water and drinks from it. and before you can say what the, he's transported to another world. (doesn't take much it seems for his thoughts to just run away and be with someone.) 

where a girl drinks water...

 from the glass he holds tenderly to her lips...

ah, to dream of such beauty... he's putting her arms around his neck, she is snug against his body, he lifts her up,

and there is her face, lovely, serene, he doesn't want to stop the thoughts.

but reality calls, hello hi bye bye has cleverly noticed her favourite nephew is looking distracted. talk continues and all would have gone well if anjali hadn't mentioned khushi and her sister and how they were at the temple.  

khushi.

  
he goes still hearing her name. in that very instant, the plate of jalebis in shyam's hand tips and crashes to the floor.

this quiet meandering layer touched me and stayed. khushi in her crazy talkative way, and asr in his own reticent, intense way go to the same place in their minds. their meetings, their takkars if you will. their constant ebb and flow toward and away from each other. unbidden come the irresistible thoughts, and tell them something they don't understand.

lovely. she has breached his fortress faraq nahin padta. and he has touched her sanaka mind.

while this entrancing thought flow traversed the inner emotion layer, the outer layer showed us how shyam charmed the family. 

first nani ji, then lakshmi, then the rest... "kaahe itna laad karat hai sabko" nani ji asked, smiling in delight. anjali beamed right through. if last night shyam had wiggled out of a tight spot regarding the delhi papers in his bag with a lie, today he turned evasive and philosophical to explain how he learnt to make jalebis. apparently, such things just happen.

oh well. the way the raizadas are willing to believe anything he says, why should he bother to be coherent or remotely logical. there was talk of anjali and shyam buying a house and moving out. asr looked worried, nani ji vetoed the idea saying she ought not hang around alone at home. obviously, anjali's disability makes her family over protective. and shyam is happy to take advantage of that. now all talk of moving out is over, he can relax and keep switching between gh and rm. living off his in laws.

on the other side bua ji was irritated with khushi, maybe because she was not showing any interest in shyam, in fact laughing it off and teasing bua ji about her interest in babua, "kya baat hai, bua ji... aapko shyam ji ki badi yaad aa rahi hai?" babu ji called the girls and hearing their giggly happy chatter, couldn't bring himself to say that they were in financial difficulties. khushi made loads of poori. but when payal said the rations were depleted and money wasn't plentiful either, khushi decided not to gorge, saving the pooris for lunch.


some dialogues that said more:

"arre tum kari jayi ho manage aur hoi jaihe damage." oh you keep managing but damage is what gets done.
mama ji, that was a little mean, and looks like you have a gentle sense of humour and very much in lau with your mano.

  
"ap toh suttupai karlo. humri boli bolne ki kosis na karo." you shut up, don't try to speak in my language.  
aw, such cute love talk from mami ji. i am serious. if mama ji doesn't get a dose or two from mami ji regularly, i bet he doesn't feel quite like himself.

"bhai ek baat toh hai, damad ji ke yahaan aate hi poora ghar badal jawat hai."  
one must say, the moment damad ji comes, the whole home seems to change.
yes, mama ji, everything changes with shyam's entry, but not in the way you think. deceit and destruction comes with him. that's the change he brings.

"tum humko pehle ee batao, tumko kitne prakaar ki sanak hai?" first you tell me, how many kinds of craziness do you have?
bua ji was hilarious today. she can't take khushi's sanak no more. tell me, how many kinds of crazinesses have ya got, chatori number one.

"hai re nand kissore, ye kahabat ka bhi istemal naahi kar sakat hai, kaise ke sasoori ko anaj ke elava jindagi mein kuch chahiye bhi nahin," oh lord nand kisore, one can't even use ths saying, because apart from food this one wants nothing else in life.
very telling, bua ji. really why is khushi so fixated on food?

"di toh aap hi ki hai," di is yours... poor asr, no idea what vile intent lurks in that dark heart. if only he'd caught it, if only.

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some people look good in blue and some other people can't help but make caps when they see some people in blue.

 

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a new world

when i started watching iss pyaar ko, i had no idea online forums existed for tv shows and there feisty, fast and furious conversations went on about hindi soaps. then ipk started going strange, khushi's ott post marriage. i was disturbed, i'd watch the show sitting on my bed all by myself every weekday midnight... the witching hour. it was my absolutely happy and giddy time. so when things went wonky, first i yelled and shouted at my husband. 

he had never seen me watch hindi serials before, and certainly not with this absorption. he had no idea what to do with the whole situation. thankfully, after years of living together people start getting each other i think. i remember he'd say to me in soothing tones, not to worry, things would come around. they didn't. so i came here, to the net... to india-forums. 

i'd chanced upon its name while listening to noreen khan's first interview with barun. a forum? really? what did they do out there? i didn't know. but i needed solace. and since i didn't have an suv, nor jalebi making skills, i went to this unknown place. i was astounded and thrilled at what i saw. so much fun and action and so many girls posting constantly, some funny, some deep, some totally witty, some angry, some militant, all clearly besotted with ipk.

met wonderful people. there was crooner, lovely girl called honeypriya (yeah, everybody had their own forum names... i giggled at the very thought, then settled on indi52) ran the thread. that gracious invite to join in the chat, i'll never forget. got to know great girls and then one fine day (no not a fine day, but anyway) iss pyaar ko ended.

three years now almost... 

undeterred a group of us started watching again.

when i came to the forum, i barely knew how to post. but thanks to everyone and that collaborative happy atmosphere, i learned a lot. till one day i was making edits, vms, gifs... oh many many many thanks to all my wonderful teachers.

and so it was, that along with writing long super long takes, i started making edits, very basic to somewhat more complex. like the ones above and below. i hope you enjoy these. 

a whole new world ipk gave me, i had no idea that would happen when on an unmarked midnight i saw a young man in a grey suit walk toward a young woman in a red saree and just could not look away.

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episode 334 not just love... meaning

to be sure, man's search for meaning may arouse inner tension rather than inner equilibrium. however, precisely such tension is an indispensable prerequisite of mental health. there is nothing in the world, i venture to say, that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions as the knowledge that there is a meaning in one's life. there is much wisdom in the words of nietzsche: "he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how".

~~~ viktor e frankl ~~~

i remember being extremely moved by this book, man's search for meaning, from which that quote comes, when i read it a few years ago. the thoughts and work of an eminent psychiatrist who had lived through the hell of a concentration camp. his inspired observations about human nature in that state of extreme suffering and humiliation. and his ever steadying belief that those who survived were the ones who had a sense of purpose, a "meaning" in their lives.

i have forgotten most of what i read.

but in the relationship of asr with his sister anjali, i felt that search for meaning; that need for something to live for... in a very young boy suddenly cut off from stability and a sense of "normal" in his life.

di was not just someone he loved... di was the one because of whom he found the urge to live... to conquer... to show "himmat".

when di felt happy, he felt everything was alright... he had said the episode before. a moving look into the character of an apparently cold hard arrogant man.

i'd written in 333 that perhaps khushi, the one we had met initially, had sensed his non-negotiable need for his sister. how fundamental she was to his sense of well being... of his "normal". because nothing really was normal in his life that night onward. yet, brave and arced toward overcoming odds, he had held onto the one thing he could, his sister's responsibility... and forged ahead.

when he broke down before khushi and said he was a failure for not having succeeded in protecting his sister, i'd hoped she would show her ken and say things that heal him, love him, tell him he has succeeded, in his own way. just by doing what he has, he has done that... that even though it might not seem so at the moment, yet, he has not really failed.

"aapke amma babu ji ke saath jo kuchh bhi hua... di ke saath jo kuchh bhi hua... aap unhen nahin badal sakte hain, arnav ji..." she said instead, eyes streaming, her voice neat and pert and at a distance from her words.

such pat words. what happened to your parents and to your sister... you can't change them, arnav ji.

and so sanctimonious too... also utterly wrong. neither is the content accurate nor the timing conscientious.

when a man who has tried with all he has, is vulnerable, that's not the time to lecture him or tell him he can't influence things. a complete insensitivity from a beautiful woman when the person who has grown to trust her needs her most.

and if we take an attitude of "nahin badal sakte hain," can't change a thing... where would we be?

it really doesn't matter what a tv serial says and yet it begins to matter when something in it feels so right, so worth spending time on, pondering.

the attitude to life of one asr... who shows himmat... who grapples with vicissitudes, who refuses to accept defeat, just makes me want to do so. today he reminded me of people who have faced great suffering and overcome.

words like magnificent are reserved for elevated, exalted characters of high literaure. maybe because i was never clever enough to get the high stuff, nor patient enough to linger and find out what made them high, arnav singh raizada had to come into my bedroom one midnight. the witching hour.

tv serials don't have a philosophy and yet... they really do.

i disagreed vehemently with this part of the episode.

i have severe problems with talk of fate and "bhagya" unless it is done in a considered wise manner, this was in defeatist vein... as far as i am concerned and to use my aching hero's word, this is "galat". not "sahi" at all.

"di ko aise haal mein nahin dekh sakta..." can't see di in this state... said the man who keeps things real and even in failure seems to triumph. aristotle's tragic hero aroused pity and fear... he made an error of judgement that led to his downfall. even if i'd never read anything about the greek tragic hero, i'd have known through all i have seen and right now in the hoarsely whispered sentences, the tortured look, the refusal to give in, that sense of something larger than life, a call to the deepest human traits, the most gorgeous, to rise and prevail no matter what... that here indeed was a "hero" and his failure would really be a tragedy.

he achieved this without a trace of sanctimoniousness or know all holier than thouness. by just being a man. a human with all his humanness. if that isn't breath taking, what is.

most "heroes" have soliloquies, "quotable quotes", chances to hold forth... or they have salim javed dialogues at the very least. here he rarely says anything specially special, hardly speaks. usually a couple of words, sometimes a sentence, maybe two. and yet he says so much, paints a fascinating character with mere gazes, pauses, body language, tone of voice, a no nonsense air... and yes, action. always sharp, focussed action; taken because he believes he needs to take them... taking responsibility for his every act in the deepest sense. never blaming another or expecting life to come and somehow get things done for him.

i do believe the actor made asr much more than anyone thought he would. he found the man within the words and dialogues... he found the parts that were not written about and filled in the blanks and by doing so he created an unforgettable man.

it was very clear in the narrative that asr loved his sister beyond a point. but why and exactly what she meant to him i think was revealed by the actor... by understanding why she mattered so much...

i was looking for mami's deadly dialogues in 43 and 44 when i saw this scene... he was a little astonished when he saw the laughter filled family scene in the kitchen, then he smiled... happy to see anjali carefree and so in love with shyam... and even as he watched, a change to a tender expression, almost a helpless one. when something is priceless to us, when we almost can't live without it... i'd imagine that's how we'd look.

when khushi had been completely broken by her father's paralytic attack, he had come running but not been able to somehow give her what she needed. he'd pondered the issue, felt extreme pain and perhaps remorse that he had failed. and the next day when unwittingly he'd made her feel helpless, he had gone back... again that smart sharp focussed action... to help in a concrete way, a way he understood... and paid all the bills. and when she had started fraying before him again... he had walked right up to her this time and consoled her the way he perhaps didn't know he could, bit this time he didn't want to fail her. he wanted to be there for her... and he was.

if i'd expected sensitivity from khushi here, can i be blamed? this was iss pyaar ko and it sparkled with inspired moments, after all.

and their hold was so binding that even after more than hundred episodes of things going strange, we still hoped. almost every episode... right up to the end, i had thought, maybe now, now at last things would take a turn and we'd get ipk back.

bhagya talk apart, the writing also veered the way of all serials. suddenly khushi has to give him the strength, give "vada" that all will be well, have "vishwas" he can do it. really? does he need all that to get things done?

instead of mahaan bharatiya naari, had they let khushi be khushi, she may have come up with far more valid ways to express her strength and indispensability in asr's life at this moment. 

off we went to heavy duty reentry of shyam... director is in utter love with baddie. i think this "sweetening" of the not so goodie hero is telling on the director... he needs his bad boy fix. gah, so do i so do i, mr director... and shyam doesn't even know the first thing of what makes a bad boy really bad.

shyam plunged into all his natak. while khushi said to asr, "aap jaaiye hum aapke saath hai... hum dono milkar di ko sambhaal lenge..." you go, the two of us together will tackle everything.

huh? so now he can't even handle his sis alone? oh he needs khushi he needs khushi... she the ultimate mahaan heroine of hindi soap. all i can really say is, what the.

i needn't have worried about asr though... barun sobti made sure whatever little the writers were willing to grant him, he'd turn into gold.

while all waffled and "acted", he just went about being real... and really angry.

"how dare you!" through clenched teeth upon seeing shyam. hand was out and grabbing a collar before anyone could say anything...

"yahan aane ki ijaazat kissne di tumhe..." who gave you the permission to come here, he grated... "mere di ke paas aane ki himmat kaise ki tumne?" how dare you come anywhere near my di...

di is his responsibility, no one messes with that. he has been fooled once. will he be again... i think. yeah, actually, even this round, i wanted to see if even for a moment he was taken in.

one tight slap was given and i had my answer.

no, never again will this man be fooled. he is shatir, he might have been fooled once but he learns his lessons. that makes him a hero to me, a sharp one, a human one. to never err is just unreal... even gods make mistakes.

"baap hain hum..." i am a father... wheedled shyam trying to turn the tide.

"kuchh nahin ho tum.  d'you understand that?... kuchh nahin," you're nothing, replied asr. hardly any words, yet each one apt... and delivered in a way, one will never forget.

"iss aadmi ka mere di par koi haq nahin hai... aaj di ka jo halat hai woh sirf  inki wajah se hai..." this man has no right over my sister... if my di is in thsi state today it's because of him and him alone... he told his rather irritating and obnoxious grandmother.

he beat up shyam despite all the drama from dadi and khushi's frankly not at all understandable "don't do it" looks.

"jab tak main zinda hoon, yeh insaan mere ghar mein kabhi kadam nahin rakhega..." as long as i am alive this man will not enter my home. i wanted to maaro seetee and hug the chap. of course, his own lover will betray him and then he will have to apologise... ah well.

but for now... yay asr, way to go.

my smart man can sense a game.

he strides into his di's room, a purpose propels him, he is no longer falling apart and unsure. meaning... it always centres him.

he has found the meaning in this moment. his duty. he needs something to focus on too... di must go home. shyam might get here without anyone's permission.

of course, he has no idea his sister herself has already started cheating and lying about shyam.

ah, i feel for this man.

and i am touched by his open large mind, when he holds nothing against khushi and anjali even after knowing what they've done.

"koi bhi, and i mean it... koi bhi shyam ko iss ghar mein wapas laane ka baat dobara nahin karega... and i mean it." no one, and i mean it, will speak again of bringing shyam back to this house... he tells everyone at home, glaring specifically at dadi. he possibly doesn't even remotely think khushi needs to be told this.

"never again." interestingly those are words connected with the holocaust, there was something much more than a tv soap going awry in this episode.

when he goes back into anjali's room and looks at her... again that need, that vulnerability. i wonder now, did anjali ever know how much she meant to him? and maybe because he loved her so much, he could forgive her that easily?

a new piece of music as he looks at di lying unwell and sits by her, remembering... loving...being himself.

edit:
soon after writing this, i read a piece by columnist frank bruni on higher education and its need... its contribution to growing us, in ways hard to quantify. he speaks of a teacher of his who threw all of herself into teaching "lear". her delivery of three simple words, "stay a little," words lear says to his dearest daughter cordelia as she slips away, linger in his mind and he recalls how her way of teaching let him get the maximum out of the texts...

"'stay a little.' she showed how that simple request harbored such grand anguish, capturing a fallen king's hunger for connection and his tenuous hold on sanity and contentment. and thus she taught us how much weight a few syllables can carry, how powerful the muscle of language can be. she demonstrated the rewards of close attention. and the way she did this, her eyes wild with fervor, her body aquiver with delight was an encouragement of passion and a validation of the pleasure to be wrung from art. it informed all my reading from then on. it colored the way i listened to people and even watched tv.

it transformed me."

i thought of barun sobti and his asr. his way of saying the simplest of words having understood and internalised the meaning of them, their entire context and content... did touch me and maybe even transformed me. it's such a wonderful feeling to know and marvel at a character, a man who doesn't exist... takes you places; maybe even the loony bin. but i suspect it enriches you even then.

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