lost are worlds within me
on the edge of faith have i stood long
and watched my temples burn
taken from myself
tied by the treachery of turbid love
in the gloam stars did stop
lost have i roamed the darkness
grasping at the night
and wrapped it around
made it yield to the might within
with hands i fought to break free
and yet lost i was
till the twilight said
amid the barrenness of deserted time
what if i lost you
out of that stopped star
that trenchant stubborn darkness
did you come streaking out
in unstoppable carmine flow
and grasped the phantom shadows
and wrapped with shining faith
seeking what had been lost
so many darknesses ago
and you found me
dhoond liya tumne
my arms rise and hold at last
my feet stay firm at the edge of faith
red pulsating do you flow
and return to me every lost world of mine
theek ho tum?
how can i be when you are not
in my arms
safe and dominant and ascending
and angry and indomitable and...
arnav ji
yes, just that, only that, hamesha that
arnav ji
how could i be if you aren't there
to torment and tether me
to wrap me in your darkness pure
to the heart of which i flow
only to find
light, just that, only that, hamesha that
aakhir humne aapko dhoondh hi liya
when i find you
why does it feel as if i found my lost worlds
each one of them
aisa kyun hota hai
episode 266
there is poetry in the very heart of this episode. a flowing beautiful ballad or perhaps an ode to love and a song to desire.
theek ho tum? a man's voice asks raggedly. have i ever seen such naked need on a man's face.
her well being. it is paramount. in fact, it is perhaps lifeline. if she is well, only then is he... let's not even think of the alternative.
he had asked her how she'd realised he was in danger, and she had just begun to reply... "when you called and said..." just then there was noise and instantly he was alert to the danger.
not to him... to her.
"khushi, jaldi utro... now..." through clenched teeth and that telltale sign of love, his anger, he told her to quickly get down onto the floor be safe.
he watched quietly as long as he could when a man crass and casually lawless, almost intrinsically offensive and possessing no idea of respect to women whatsoever, got revoltingly chummy with her. for her safety's sake he tried his best to quell his anger. though he seethed and fumed at every little word and gesture. did this man just say he would feed khushi?
the obscenity of that carelessly flung sentence. the suggestion of an intimacy that makes the skin crawl. yet asr tried to hold his temper in check.
but then, there was touching. and threatening. as rocky approached khushi, a man's rage rose and seemed to plumb deep within all the way to the primal man etched in his being.
yet still, he fought for control because harm must not come to her...
but then something in the unedifying voice of rocky made him snap suddenly. "don't you dare touch her, you..." he shot out furious not caring any longer about consequences.
his rage had ascended to the point where it needed to. he caught hold of the grill which till now had refused to budge and with a roar, ripped it off the wall and leaped across to make sure the man who had dared touch his life would wish he'd never ever laid eyes on her.
that anger which had propelled him on the day when goons waylaid them on the to nainital, today a glimpse of it again; but now the fury more potent with the power of stated, submitted to love. that day it had been an instinct he didn't quite understand, nor she. it had confused him, and angered him to have that feeling at all, to have lost control because someone had dared to lay a finger on her. he hadn't understood his reaction, and yet perhaps he had... and that's why that defensive anger, that throwing her out of the car.
but today... it is different. today he owns the right to protect her. he cherishes it in fact. it is his duty, it is his desire. and rocky may forget many things in his life, but he will never forget what happened in the couple of minutes after the diabetic, weak captive threw away a ventilator and landed on this side.
she watched terrified as the fight between the two men got going, her concern only for the one for whom she would risk everything, even her life. arnav ji. she flinched when he was punched on the chin, and when again she saw he was not able to control his rage and let go, she screamed, "arnav ji, chhoriye..."
her voice of course did get through, it always did that, didn't it... and he found himself again.
then as he calmed quickly, focus only on her, came that beautiful feeling... the one that makes us transcend the greatest limit of all: ourselves. it was not him he cared about... it was her.
"theek ho tum?"
a variation on a sublime theme that belonged only to ipk... tum theek ho?
it had to be said brusquely, with an edge, almost as if it didn't matter and yet you knew that's all that did matter really.
but today, love made it speak softly. with every bit of need and longing showing. they had come a long way since a treacherous night, since a bridge that wouldn't be crossed. in the darkness it seemed light had come again, as it often did in their lives... as he sat alone in a dimmed desperate cell he had at last embraced a truth his heart had known but his head had butted against.
and she... as she felt him in her dreams and lurched scared in nightmares, she had come to understand why she missed him so and spoke to the winds of him.
as they stood here now, again in the dark almost, only one light bulb casting shadows...
she had to be honest and tell him, no, with a childlike shake of her head. with him she could be every bit who she was now... no need to pretend, to show that she can handle it, nothing... at last khushi had found a place where she could just be.
as he watched amazed, perhaps even askance, she moved... she flew, she coursed, she rushed in like the tide... a streak of red, the colour of blood, of a bride... cutting through the darkness all around... she ran and went straight to her lode star, arnav ji. her arms reached out and held him. her body crashed into his with complete trust, her feet left the ground... she was sure he would be there, would never let her fall.
a joy seemed to hit him hard even as he realised what her "no" to his question meant... she was not okay, not till he was in her arms and he was okay and he was holding her, and...
once before after he had hit a man almost senseless for her, she had come running to him and fallen upon his chest seeking solace. that day his arms had halted, he had not been able to embrace her back... why? why... he had wondered..
today there was no need for such questions. his arms rose like perfectly metered lines in a love poem and went around her, drawing her close and right in.
a long and boundless embrace filled the world.
asr and khushi finally hugged each other for the very first time.
we were 266 episodes into a romance that had shaken us with its longing without practically any heavy duty "physical" scene. perhaps because the two of them could send goosebumps running up and down by simply looking at each other.
there was something almost spiritual about this very first embrace.
as though the door to the eternal was through it somewhere. the emotion that seeped through every other emotion felt was... surrender.
at last. a surrender to love.
and there was joy almost rising to ecstasy. her tears flowed, she held him closer and yet closer, her smile opened up...
his head nestled closer into her hair her shoulder, her neck; there was no anger, no trace of holding back on his face, the most open expression ever and a spreading joy, the smile growing wider, the arms gathering closer, he just stood there enjoying her being mingling with his.
his. at last at last, his... and nothing else mattered.
asr was just and only her lover at this moment. and she only the girl he had said, "khushi, i love you" to.
i have never seen such a meeting and clashing and clasping of pure joy. i can almost feel their hearts welling with love.
the first time they held each other in their arms, rightly, it was all about an infinite emotion, it was about the union of their essence, their essential selves, almost outside the bounds of their physical beings.
it was about the coming home.
about finding each other and their own selves... something almost ethereal in it.
soon though they would be interrupted and he'd grasp her hand and begin to run, trying to reach her to safety. there would be a chase... a bunch of three oversized and gun toting goons following them... giving chase, intent on capture.
while they would run free, holding each other's hand.
and while the fact that they are running with doubles would interfere with the experience, that hint of danger would keep my mind focused.
the first time i saw, i was so filled with the first hug, i had no idea what was on the way. ipk had never been too generous with its gems per episode. wasn't that what we saw already generous enough?
but no, suddenly they were hiding behind a pillar, and one riveting eye peered out trying to see if the goons had been given the slip. no, they hadn't. "oh, sh..." said a terrifically contemporary voice one which was had just a moment before asked a timeless "theek ho tum?"
her eyes panicked. his searched... solution, asr looks for one almost instinctively...
and there it is... right behind, those cartons at the back.
and he took her hand and took a step immediately, no time to lose...
they fell...
yes, again a fall...
and then in each others arms they lay.
hugging.
and as danger surged and roamed around, as revolver barrels became more visible and men in dark clothes looked more threatening, there came the next layer of love submitted to.
desire.
what makes the engine go?
desire, desire, desire.
the longing for the dance
stirs in the buried life.
~~~ stanley kunitz~~~
then it became the key...
to the first stirrings of physical yearning.
is there a connection between fear and carnal desire? are they both survival instincts, part of our most ancient selves? does the heightening of one sort of bring into play the other?
there was something heady about that proximity of danger and the sight of two terribly attractive young people crushed against each other, growing intoxicated almost, sensing each other, staring, wanting.
you could feel a pressure building and burgeoning.
khushi felt it first, or at least we saw her feeling that other sensation first. when it registered, breaking beyond the fear...
she paused and was almost blown away by it, then she began to move as if in a daze, burying her face against his skin, moving her head mesmerised, turning to look at him, as if to see what his reaction was... her eyes went to his lips and a hunger came.
he was caught in the storm himself... his eyes said things. something murmured and hummed in the air. it made you sit up straight and get a little lost.
only a few seconds... kyun dard hai played yet there was no pain, only freedom and desire in this ishq, rabba vey rabba vey.
when they hugged that first time, a cascade of memories joined them; from an encounter in the rain, a meeting at a temple and the tying of a bandage, a tryst with a glass embedded in a wrist, a moment when a earring got entangled... and more. there were fairy lights, poolsides, payals, kisses missed and not and more in that embrace. each thought heightening the other, making a simple locking of arms around each other into an endless moment in their lives, rich and overflowing.
but here... in this second embrace... they are just by themselves, here and now. yes danger stalks, but it is extraneous, almost forgotten. here it is just the two of them and this instant, to be grabbed and made own by sensual desire. i loved this aspect, this accepting of all that is love. this honesty. felt like asr khushi.
the goons lurked, the music played on. it was a scene that brought to mind one from a mid seventies movie... blackmail... rakhee and dharmendra in a similar situation and a full song picturised on it. here only a few seconds, but explosive sexuality. unforgettable really.
there was something so real and precious about khushi expressing herself, her longing as a woman, as his lover... beyond the prescribed achhi ladki/bahu limits of indian television.
also the nature of desire that barun and sanaya portrayed...compelling, combusting, compulsive, but always clean and lit up, no dark dank murky notes in it. everything was possible here, all sorts of sexual play, but always with the purest heart and the rightest love.
this cleanness made it totally classic for me, because love is a huge idea, its physical exploration and joy just as valid and beautiful as its other less carnal aspects.
asr and khushi are still running, rocky has joined the chase too, after recovering a bit... and after both the lovers have acted nutty and hurt themselves for the other... at last it is night, and there before them a hut in the middle of a jungle. another scaling of reality awaits there.
here's the song from blackmail i referred to earlier. credit to uploader.
......................
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