episode 184 your happiest dream your worst nightmare

wrapped in memory, a place of stability when the storm out of nowhere landed one evening and blew it all away, a gentle steady love that gave him a reason to live, a reason to strive in the worst days of his life... his di.

anjali was much more than just an elder sister to him. she was perhaps the one thing that kept a 14 year old boy's heart alive. otherwise dimaag would have become his only mainstay. dil completely dispensed with. a dil that had the depth and breadth of an ocean and more... buried forever.

when we see anjali we see her as she is today, but the way he looks at her, i feel i can see her through all the years of his life. even his most dreadful nightmare begins with him smiling at her, so happy to see his di looking lovely... and then the look on her face changes, and everything spirals. gunshot... maa.

both the siblings had lost their parents and a whole way of life overnight. all they had was each other. di connected him to his maa, his sense of family. he connected her to the same things. both vital to each other.

even more so for him perhaps, for right from his birth, di was always there. she was the only one he associated with his earliest days, who didn't disappear in that storm.

she was his connection to love. 

and she was always the one who tried all she could to never let him deny the place of heart in life. of love.

it was her words that he heard in his years when he suddenly realised while picking up a file that the girl he gets so vexed about actually means something to him.

the story of asr and khushi couldn't have started without di, so perhaps a good story teller knew how sweet a turn it would be in the tale, if because of her really it would almost end.

he is about to tell the woman he loves why she makes a difference, when he is called away.just a few short minutes ago, he'd reached khushi and was about to start telling one of the two most important women in his life that she had started to matter to him, but before he could get there he leaves... and reaches the moment that would start unraveling everything. 

the other most important woman in his life, his di, is the reason for nani's call.

i thought the story was told very well, though yes, a bit predictable that he should be interrupted at that very moment... this is a daily soap that depends on drama and tension in every 22 minute pellet, and is not making a pretense of being arcane literature or anything, but the level of emotion stirred in him was almost at the same pitch, involving the two women he cared about. i found that rather well designed, he will be radically torn between these two women and his strong emotions for both. the one he will choose to hurt, the choice for which he will be hated and for which some day he'll feel terrible, yet won't it show whom he loved more?

don't we usually end up hurting the one we love more? and protecting the one we see as less strong? just a thought.

here on the one hand all his love and excitement and perhaps a glimmer of the future... at last, a dream for the future that might give him respite from the nightmare of the past and maybe that's why all those mirrors showing what might be.

and then on the other, a stark, compelling, convulsive pull back from the past, an immediate presence of it in his wobbly, scared, "aa... waaz?" 

sometimes just one word, one delivery can call up a whole story, an entire past, a complete character...

when nani ji says it's anjali bitiya... di? kya hua di ko? he rushes in, in an instant alert and tense. nani ji relates the call in frantic tone ending with there was a ... "jor ki aawaz..." a loud noise.

and the fear kicks in... in one single word it is all there... he stumbles over the word, his voice reflects his terror, you can feel his nervousness, a sensation rising.

he reaches for his phone, does he feel more in control of things when he holds that instrument somehow?

"di... what the hell... yeh stupid mohan ka phone kyun nahin mil raha hai..." he can't get through to "stupid" mohan, the driver he tries to call. lovely, his words, stance, anger, all speak of his fear and love for the woman who is the centre of his universe. the only person that matters... till along comes that girl waiting by the mirror.

as his panic escalates, a brief cut away to an obscene man reveling. quite sure his wife will die soon and he will be free to marry khushi. the fool thinks that is the reason khushi won't have him, because he is married. how he runs from the truth... that it is him that khushi despises, not his marital status. he will hold on to this illusion for a long time. maybe even he needs his illusions just to make himself tolerable to himself. i decided not to waste time making edits of the overacting shyam today. just mentioning him is ugh enough.

asr receives one of the scariest phone calls of his life... the darkest shyam of all has both him and khushi trapped. using their feelings for someone else... someone who matters so much.

asr confirms the car is his when the inspector calls, the silence at the other end unnerves him... "inspector, aap bolte kyun nahin, kya hua" ... why aren't you speaking, what's happened. finally the voice is raised."mr raizada, daryaganj ke paas gaadi ka accident hua hai..." there's been an accident near daryaganj. my mind checks, daryaganj? isn't that where asr was held by the kidnappers later? what's this daryaganj fixation? something there?

accident? he's shocked

nani ji starts. everybody is horrified. "swaha" says shyam. like a little dance drama, or rather greek tragedy. nani ji and family members a fabulous chorus to the action onstage...

"meri di se baat karwaiye... what!!! kya matlb hai aap ko nahin pata hai ... how can you NOT KNOW!" the protagonist has started going to pieces... let me speak to my sister, what!!! what do you mean you don't know where she is... how can you not know!

and he remembers her saying things about not being around, though all is well now, but "bhagwan na kare kuchh ho jaye aur hum... hum rahe na rahe..." god forbid something should happen, whether i live or not...he was walking slowly gripped by fear, recalling that evening when she'd said these things, mainly to get him to consider marriage, but even then all he'd reacted to his fear of losing her, how vehemently he'd asked her not to say such things, how sweetly he'd picked up her hand and kissed it... soon after he'd kissed khushi.

again now, one moment khushi... next minute, di... life does try arnav singh raizada.

at that "hum rahe na rahe," a terrible fear... he starts running.

great direction to elucidate an emotion, and such natural acting.

during a wedding one night had come death and complete destruction, it's a wedding again, what awaits the night?

he runs and then suddenly stops short... at the gate stands di. alive. in bandages, but alive. he goes through a thousand feelings.. he'd thought she was gone. but...

"chhotey..." her voice is sweet and scared and yet loving like only hers is. he is close to tears. this is di for god's sake... his di.

she walks toward him, he's rooted to the spot.

"chhotey..."

"di.. mu...mujhe laga ki..." di, i...i thought...

the 14 year old chhotey returns to feel all the fear again. his voice breaks, losing all its husky masculine edge, it's almost child like, tears drench it.

he strokes her cheek, the gentlest, "aap theek ho na, di." you're okay, di?

and as she nodded he just has to rush and hug her. and she him...

siblings who have been through hell... always tied by a different string. their music keening, sad echoes of all that.

she consoles him with looks and strokes as she always does whenever he's worried. then she cries like a baby to him about the car brakes... he holds her... each others support... like parents to each other they are.

when the family, relieved and worried at once, takes her away to her room, he stays back to call the hospital, make sure mohan the driver is taken care of.

anjali shows resilience and a great attitude while the family fusses over her. no need to tell anyone anything, let's get on with the wedding. poignantly, she is glad her husband is nowhere to be seen, no need to worry him too. ah the illusions we live with. despite all those nights away, always with the weakest of explanations, anjali never ever thought of doubting the man she loved.

life had taken too much away from her. this time she meant to hold on tight. 

as she talks asr arrives, absolutely in tears by now. when everyone leaves, brother and sister are alone at last. he just stands there staring with tears brimming over. these tears as heartrending as the smile he gave to khushi on that verandah that morning. the smile and the tears seem to come from the same place. 

and this time too he will move propelled by his feelings... she was the closest thing he had to a mother. a mother whom he missed every day... so much, he had to block everything off.

when she says, "yahan aiye humare paas," come here to me, in that mother like tone, a strain of music that reminds of maa plays.

he looks away, then looks at her... moist reddened eyes, a softness, a broken feel, and he walks to her; with each step his feelings rise as do hers... then he suddenly lets go and buries his face in her lap.. a giving up and falling on a mother's lap there.

and he cries.

"di, i'm so so sorry."

"sorry, chhotey tum humey sorry kyun bol rahe ho..." why are you saying sorry to me, chhotey, she asks crying herself. they both know why he cries, how close she might have come to death.

"har baar jo maine aapse badtameezi se baat ki usske liye..." for every time i have been rude to you, says the nasty, caustic, get off my back asr.

"har bar jab aapne mujhe kuch karne ke liye kaha aur maine saaf mana kar diya, usske liye..." for every time i just refused to do what you asked me to...

"i'm really sorry, di" some time back, on a day when he was sensitized to his mother's going away, he'd understood a young girl's, another orphan's pain and apologised... a first for him.

today again that fear of losing on the back of losing maa forever. and he says as much after that sorry... i thought you... please don't leave me like maa did... "mujhe laga ki.. di aap kabhi mujhe maa ki tarah..."
 

she shudders understanding his panic, and strokes his hair, calming him, slowly bringing him back to now, the present. but the past has already claimed his heart and left it tender, so vulnerable. 

he will not think when it is struck again. he will not think... only spiral into crazy feelings. 

the roiling of his emotions was so necessary for him to completely lose his head. great writing and orchestrating of emotions.

and in a room by herself, oblivious to all this smiles a girl, remembering things, touching a gift left on the mirror for her. on the mirror a reflection of a future... with the man who gave her bangles and kisses, and haldi marks, and constant dhak dhak. she touches her bindi with so much wonder and joy and feelings soft and sweet.

and then she sees the message... lipstick letters across the mirror,"khushi, meet me on the terrace now."

she sees the sign and she is rattled, she runs out to check...

something tells her it is him... was it the "abhi"? now! so asr that command. is that why shyam added it? she is misled... i think of othello, so terribly led astray by what he thought was evidence. now she, later asr... innocents twisted to see things his way by a knave.

the dhak dhaks come... she thrills to his voice saying, "khushi, tumse baat karni hai... bas karni hai..."and then in the sweetest sign of reciprocated love, she wonders, "aap humse kya kehna chahte hain, arnav ji... kya aap humse wahi kehna chahte hain jo..."

what do you want to tell me, arnav ji? do you want to tell me the same thing that...

so close to telling each other the state of their heart they were. there was no doubt in either's mind... just dreams.

she wipes off the message. no sign is left of the charlatan's trick. at this moment it did feel as though fate is the only thing that has a say over our lives.

couple of other things:

~ "hello hi bye bye agar aap logo ka prem kahani khatam hui gayi ho... " mami ji said, hhbb, if your love story has ended... was she again acting as chorus and hinting at things to come? 

she was of course, horrendously rude, and the gupta family squirming before her not a  pretty sight. at too many levels utterly wrong. would have been good to see later, how she and payal adjusted to each other, and grew to have feelings for each other despite this wedding time madness. or perhaps they never did, and payal found hr voice back after being provoked incessantly. would have ben interesting to know.

~ nk brought green tea... i giggled, suddenly this form of tea is so in in my land. when i was growing up, no one had heard of it apart from tea planters. now in every serial, especially in wealthy homes, it pops up. gh's other show, sathia, has the hero practically addicted to it. seen as panacea to all ills. also i think a mark of sophistication. hello hi bye bye.

~ nk also brought ek chutki sindoor, a pinch of sindoor... oh what a rendition of that will come soon.

~ he said 60 instead of 7 for the pheras... wonder why.

~ akash's kids it seems would call him uncle, uncle. was there a story there? was there some plan of showing that someone was not fathered by his or her supposed father?

~ and nk also brought along haivan pareshan... devil disturbance. that, alas, is about to reach untold depths.

 

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