he eats alone night after night.
he takes care of himself when he is unwell, no one stays up the whole night tending to him.
a man used to his loneliness, not expecting too much by way of love and attention from even his loved ones. just the bare minimum. happy to see the entire family fretting over and pampering his elder sister.
a curiously lonely man. self contained, satisfied with just that little bit of expressed love from his sister. beneath the arrogance and matter of fact brusqueness is perhaps a man who is really alone. and so wanting to be loved, just he never will say it to himself... too much has happened to him at too young an age for him to leave that door open and make himself depend on others.
but does that mean he really does not need love? in fact, spend a little time observing him with his sister and all you see is a heart full of emotion and empathy, an ability to love selflessly. that is rare.
he is all closed and remote though, till he meets the girl who makes his heart beat race. how much he wants to love her and be loved by her... he did want that, didn't he... oh that sublime flirting and the wonder filled smile on his lips for a whole day.
then the night brought betrayal. again. and everything became murky.
and she, just an innocent kid really, who felt the most complex emotions for a guy way outside her ken, and dreamt of a simple happy romance with him. she knew of his ability to love beautifully, perhaps from that day in a temple way back in 65, when she had seen him with his di... an arnav singh raizada not at all like the laad governor rakshas she knew. she could sense the beauty flowing within this crusty exterior. how she had thrilled to his "bas karni hai," his play with choori, bindi... and that kiss... oh she had so wanted him. she was so ready to be the woman she knew she would be with him, only him.
but now everything is complicated. there's no simple way of loving any more. a layer of anger, hurt, dejection, even fury, a complex ball of mixed negative emotions colours everything between them.
the whole day she has spent getting after him, and maybe somewhere he understands why she behaves the way she does... both are living in peculiar and painful times.
when his nani says his wife refuses to eat without him, he is irritated, he is too tired perhaps of games, it's been a long day.
"nani, aap usse keh dijiye ki kha le. mujhe bahut kaam hai... mujhe kyun pareshan kar rahi hai..." the voice is exasperated, a grandson needs his grandma's understanding. tell her to eat, nani, i have lots of work, why is she bugging me...
"isse pareshan nahin kehte, ee toh sneh hai..." this is not bugging says nani, adamant, knowledgeable, because she can see what khushi herself can't... khushi's need to love her swami. this is "sneh", a beautiful word in sanskrit, difficult to translate... it's love at its most gentle, caring, nurturing... mothers give this to their children, teachers to students. it is a giving thing, demanding nothing back in return.
sneh. and the most beautiful rendition of it will come from the same girl who is out to destroy him. or so she believes.i asked myself in khushi's insistence that she'd stay up for him, was there just a bit of longing for him? this angry, "show you, mister" way was the only way she could express it given the circumstances. she made a face and said, it wasn't for that laad governor she stayed away from the food, it was because she'd said so many things to nani... i heard just the opposite. she seemed to be trying to convince herself.
when she said, "lekin hum karenge, arnav ji ke bina hum khana nahin kha sakte..." was a part of her feeling a bit bad for him? she did want to seriously stay up and see him at night when he came back...
okay, i can't quite believe that khushi would stymie his every meal. that's not her. that's just insensitive writing. and really there was no need to have that comic direction on her polishing off all the food. they needed to come to a point where he would pass out and in a trice she'd shed all her anger and come rushing to take care of him, be with him, do whatever she can for him. they also wanted a change of mood to set in at this point and so it was comedy flipping to intense emotion. no point in cribbing about their chosen method of reaching this point.
it is what it is.
but i thank both the actors for making that dining room scene sublime. he is tired and so terribly attractive in that weary vulnerable state. she is clearly affected, but must switch to play acting to keep up her "drama."
"whaat?" by asr is one thing that should be banned by the censors if the womenfolk of this world are to keep themselves sane.
when barun's asr speaks to khushi, his tone is so intimate, every word seems to reach out and caress her, no matter what his state of mind, angry, irritable, brusque, tired, teasing...
i am thinking maybe that's why she stands sideways, protecting herself from the full brunt of his seduction, conscious or unconscious.
the sense of night was lovely at the dining table, usually a place of much activity and buzz. asr was so asr when he said, let me order some food. problem solver. non fussy. certainly does not expect wife to rush around cooking and serving. actually, the table talk earlier made it clear that unlike the heavy "kartavya" preaching serials we usually see, here a breath of fresh air and "damn the kartavya" as far as expectations of men and women in the fam are concerned.
wives don't stay up and hungry for husbands... in fact, absolutely not the way of the raizadas. i liked that though i did feel it would be nice if once in a way someone came and sat with him when he returned late and ate. i have lived with a man who often works till pretty late... he has never expected me to stay up for him or even warm the food, but i like to say hi to him when he gets back, ask him if he'd like to have dinner... you know that sort of thing.
when asr let himself in quietly, i suddenly felt a pang of sadness for this solitary creature.
he looked at her and yelled of course, but was he secretly happy? that "whaat?" the teasing "khana nahin khana hai ek saath?" then the killing "wait..." such a private man woman world in his tone, his suggestions... and then he actually waited for her to cook. poor chap.
he changed, returned, waited, called out "khushi!" so naturally... and then he started to seriously fade. i absolutely loved the way barun expressed this. his eyes blanking out, the slackening muscles of his face, his body losing control, marvelously done.
she came with the food and the annoying swami tactic... he said "khushi, just give me the damn plate..." but she played her game. however, the moment she realised all wasn't well, her concern hit a high note... no time to remember she hates him. lovely.
as he passed out, "arnav ji arnav ji arnav ji..."
when he muttered, "di... dhai...," she understood instantly, "di! dawai..."
perhaps a memory from another day came by, when she'd given him jalebi when he'd passed out, she had held him in her arms, wanted to take care of him, even though just minutes ago he'd been really nasty to her... always these confusing emotions, and the claim of love over all else. she gets the gur.
"main theek hoon..." he said to his di. the demeanour and acting, both breathtaking.
babli offered to stay up with him, he was curt. he said there was no need, she'd better go to bed. he hates fussing it seemed to me, he had struggled and survived alone, when he was down, he preferred to overcome by himself.
in khushi, palpable wretchedness, something so real here... "sab hamari galati hai..." she told di... it's all my fault. she was contrite, she had hurt her arnav ji in her anger. he heard it, you could see his eyes take note in the background.
when he tried to get up, khushi came running, "rukiye rukiye..." she put her hand on his shoulder to help, he pushed it away."main wahan sofe pe sone jaa raha hoon..." i am going to sleep on that sofa he said in a quiet voice but certainly the man in charge.
she insisted, you sleep here.
a look, and his stubborn, "main wahin sounga..." i'll sleep there.
the little exchanges were always so real.
"nahin, aap yahan soenge..." no , you'll sleep here... she used di's name to contain him...
again he pushed her hand away... he is hurt upset angry.
but she decided to take charge. and she expressed just the sort of love di had hoped she would when she had told her about chhotey's contrary ways when it came to being shown pyaar.
both their voices sounded different. he was low and tired yet trying to hold on... she sounding normal, strong... "koi zaroorat nahin..." the babyish, silly sounding kkg is gone.
did anyone notice his little sideways look of irritation.
she returned to settle his blanket. again a look. then he let her.
and the night watch started...
she can't let him be, she needs to know he is ok... there's peace only when he sleeps easy...
i felt so bad for this couple... so much love and yet the madness...
she is sleeping off standing but she can't let go, her arnav ji is not well...
"maine kaha na main kar loonga... tumhari madat ki zaroorat nahin hai..." i told you i'll manage, i don't need your help... hen he wakes up for some water, he is brusque again. at this point one can only connect this to him feeling a bit angry with her for her behaviour and also that love he feels but can't show... complex notes here. but it's in the next episode that we connect he hates to see those he loves feeling guilty... so her pacing through the night, contrite and sad, is also something he doesn't want because he can't bear to see her feeling like this... not on his account.
who has created this character, may i please hug him/them... this is a real human being... rarely are we laced within with just one simple emotion, there's nuance everywhere...
the rejection seemed to bother her...
"humne kaha na dhyan se..." she rushes to stroke his back when he chokes on the water. intimate lovers they are every minute of this sequence.
breath stopping contact and communication... all through that urgent absolute need.. arnav singh raizada had just wanted to love this girl and she thought life was meant to be uncomplicated...
"upar dekhiye, aap ko rahat milegi..." look up, you'll feel better. and his eyes looked into hers... a moment when everything changed.
the long rabba ve as she held his face in her hands and he just looked at her... no guile, no anger, no outside world, just you and me, was like balm on the fretful days. do you love me? he seemed to ask... how can i not, you are everything to me she seemed to reply. it hurts so much, something inside both of them said.
again he goes to threw her arm off, but she insisted... let me do it... "hume karne dijiye." he settled back onto the pillows, maybe he felt cared for and safe, he had no one he could ask this of. he pretended he didn't need anyone. but didn't he?
and she paced again. beautiful music soothed the hurt, the pain, the confusion, and said, this only this feeling is valid.
an extraordinarily emotion filled sequence. every word, tone, touch, movement, colour, stance, pause, everything spoke of a feeling deep and alive, the subtext was rich, you could read as much as you wanted in it and still there'd be more to feel and resonate to.
as a scene it was simple, a wife takes care of her husband through the night... the direction and acting made it into a beautiful love song.
i did think of this song by atif aslam while watching... actually many songs came to mind, including raabta, and e tumi kemon tumi from the bengali film "jaatishwar". ipk understood love, i felt again, like very few things have.
credit: tips music
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