episode 246 tell me the truth

for a few moments, there was only heaven and earth and a feeling beyond time, a whole space in itself.

he would have to watch her jump and kill herself. she would jump, no matter how crazy she sounds, how disoriented and how flimsy her reason, a sudden fixation about lavanya and him now... but she would do it. he knew right from the moment she said all sorts of khushi things and left home that something was amiss...

chaliye arnav singh raizada, humne aap ko maaf kardiya... on hearing that, the comic sfx crow crowed, the handsome upright brow puckered further.

and he said what he had been feeling since her sweet wife attack began, "what the..?"

she looked shimmery eyed and satisfied... manna had come to her before she embraced death... his "what the." boundless dopeyness with frowning thinking gorgeousness that shall not be bound... what a perfect few minutes, even though i am aaargh about the ishtory.

but that flirty "go on, i forgive you" might have given him the weirdest warning signal. then he went to the room to find the biggest hint that all was not well, her stars were gone... and that letter... she is going to become a star she declared there, of course a bright and beautiful one. he possibly almost stopped breathing then...

but he is never one to sit still and let things happen. the episode changed rhythm and feel. urgency, desperation, panic entered. signs of a feeling all. 

he knows what this is all about, but where is she... he must act... and he must think... sanity comes from that. he had acted the night he had thought he would finally go crazy. and now too, he is out of the house in seconds, thinking, and running... the warning bells are ringing wildly in him... where is she. call her. ah, she receives the call...

 

and she is where? 

she instructs him to move so she doesn't fall on him.

what?

he turns, looks up...
horrified, phone still at ear, he yells out to... life.  "khushi!"

helpless, he is staring up, horror going through his head.

she is in a frenzied hyped state, she knows she is moments away from death...

don't move!!! stay there...

he is frantic, i am coming!... main aa raha hoon!

i am beginning to pick his panic. thin plot, small six inch screen on comp, repeat viewing... still i a feel the panic.

"lo... inhinka kaam kar rahe hain aur humey rok rahen hain..." see, i am doing his work and he is stopping me.

top shot of man running up stairs two steps at a time. contrast that with silly nonsense talk from wife, slowly pondering jumping off. the discordant note sets up its own crazy pitch, he is running, jumping over things, panicking he might be too late.

and they are on a terrace together once more.

"khushi!!!!" hand reaching out trying to stop her. will his reach fall short? how will he live if it does? he has tried his best to survive his mother killing herself... but khushi?

"what the hell are you doing... uttro neeche abhi!" get down instantly, his anger is here fueled by fear and panic.

"dekhiye paas mat aayie verna hum kud jaayenge!" don't come near me, or else i'll jump.

is this fair? if dragging her to a temple was wrong, is this also not that? yet, nowhere, not even once do we see this thought about later. and for all his rave and rant and music with swagger, he is the sweetest lover on earth... he never ever tells her what happened to him as he saw her standing on the ledge, never berated her for putting him through that.

"okkay okkay relax, main agey nahin aaoonga! par kyun kud jaaogi tum? what's wrong with you?"

the negotiator... that movie comes to mind... keep talking, keep the person engaged. an intelligent man, his dimaag to the fore, dil kept aside, to get the work done.

she says he is after her since yesterday to kill her.

"khushi, aisa kuch nahin hai!" there's nothing like that. just look at the actor, i can feel his every fear.

"paas mat aaiye!" don't come near... yes she is in that fey space, not quite here. again, seriously good understanding of the moment.

"main aagey nahin aaoonga... breathe..." hand up, hot concentrated stare... (of course, at "breathe" one viewer has stopped breathing. she is shallow. her heart just fell off the ledge.)

"ab saans lene ka abhyaas karne se kya fayda..." what's the point of doing breathing exercises now... dialogue writer is on a spree.

"okay take care, dammit!" as she almost falls off.

she is talking gibberish... "waise hum dar nahin rahe hain..." smiles... he is responding to every word move breath, eyes desperate, wondering how to get her off.

feeling things, breaking...

yeah, you had to get him to a place like this for him to erupt and at last let someone know what his "chot" was... the really larger than life ones have a spot within so tender, it is a blessing to be in their hearts... and when that spot aches... that chot... no one will understand, for they only see the strong big man, and no one really wants to see a strong one's crying place, makes us uneasy... we want heroes... bulletproof... invincible.

on a terrace he saw disillusionment and got his chot.

i am wondering how much he is hurting aching angry desperate crazy now, how is he holding up.

but he is a task focused man... thank g for that... his mind is working. like his gussa, it's his dimaag that has kept him going, nurtured him through hell.

she won't haunt him... nor lavanya ji... music is khushi style loopy... rhetoric and prosody lessons from college i recall... to highlight an emotion, a counterpoint is being used... there is nothing funny or cute about what is going on, just the opposite.

"lavanya ki baat kahaan se aa gayi?" huh! lavanya! asr is confounded.

"arey, wahi toh hai aapka asli gulaab." oh, she is your real rose. "matlab... asli pyaar," your real love. she is sad.

"aur hum... kaanta," she is the thorn.

"gulab... kanta... what the hell are you saying?" stop sounding so hot, your wife is about to jump for botanical issues... there is a bizarre craziness here which is pretty classic, weird me is thinking.

the kundli conundrum is revealed.

what? kundli? but he doesn't believe in such things. but it's true. never. it is.

"kyunki jo tum samajh rahi ho woh sach nahin hai..." what you are thinking is not the truth. nice. and we come to the whole issue of truth again. what he saw that night... he believes that is true. what she surmises about lavanya, she believes that is also the truth.

long time back a clever serial said... the truth is out there. the x files. and maybe the truth is really in mars or venus or the aliens have abducted it... for it is nowhere in what they think.

it is however absolutely there in what they feel.

"yeh sach nahin hai."

"sach hai."

what is "sach" really?

she has heard him talk to lavanya and come to a conclusion... just as he has seen her with shyam and come to his.

he cannot convince her now. and she will not be able to convince him soon.

similar situation, one handled with seriousness and drama, the other with lightness and melodrama.

both hurt the observer. almost as much.

marte hue insaan se jhoot nahin bolte. you don't lie to someone who is about to die. this has gone on too long. and death is not chhay mahine ke liye... okay?

"arrey aapko toh taarey mil bhi gaye," oh you have found the stars...

he couldn't let go... he ran with everything.

tense moments.

at last what is transpiring seems to reach khushi... she is looking at the man she loves one last time, and he at her...

you could have asked me once, then without asking any questions i would have moved out of your way... never occurs to her that she never was in the way... if he wanted la he could have had her.

in front of his eyes, khushi will jump... she almost does...

he is concentrating, he knows what he has to do... but surely he worries, what if he misses.

finally, he says,

"khushi, main lavanya se pyaar nahin karta,"... i don't love lavanya.

"and i think kabhi karta bhi nahin tha..." i don't think i ever did love her. how can you even think that.

and i will repeat this only once, i did not want to marry lavanya, and this is not the reason why i married you.

then tell me why did you marry me? why?

he struggles... too painful to bring these words to his lips. beauty of it is she has no idea, he has no idea that she has no idea... where is sach, go find it.

"aap unse pyaar karte hain... aur, hum..." you love her, and i...

the most beautiful pause in a crazy girl's tirade. yeah, you love him... and he, though you don't know, loves you. he stays silent, you talk nonstop... the hurt is so huge in both.

at the pause, this silent long stare by the one who dare not believe a word she says and so wants to...

a man and a woman stand looking at each other... the ridiculousness of the situation is overshadowed by the timeless question in both eyes... who are you to me, who am i to you... what ties us, what tears us asunder... this is not the truth. this is the truth.

a music refrain raju singh composed thinking what i don't know, but feeling all the right things, seems to hold the two together always

the ballad of asr and khushi plays out in sound and light... she is leaning against him as they dance, trusting, believing.

he is going to kiss er, it is diwali, asr can never forget.

oh you did kiss me by that pool, my first kiss ever and you were the one.

rabba vey touches the space between them as they stand, on on the ledge, the other on level ground.

the car screeched, the rain fell in cascades, i came and picked you out of harms way, i could never let you go... not even then.

your hand in mine i walked you out of the circle of lights... diwali... so much in that dark dark night.

do you know how lovely you look when you smile, i love to see you laughing, though you don't love me.

i put the payal on your ankle, did you tie me to yourself with it, why can't i let you go even though you hurt me so, you who are having an affair.

i remember your gentleness in a room far away, holding me, and so it is you i must run to when i need someone strong and always mine..

i couldn't hold you, but i wanted to soothe you, put my hand on your head and promise, i am here. hamesha.

 but now it is time. "hum theek hai. hum taiyaar hai." i am fine. i am ready.

he watched her without talking, without moving.

a conversation was had by forces beyond either, the powerful instinct within us, which asserts itself when our rational selves trip up...

she looked back at him one last time... he had never looked more helpless.

as she turned away...

he remembered their first meeting... everything welled up it seemed within him.

she had fallen into his arms...

she turned only to recall how she had run to him at the hospital.

he was ready, he was lunging forward, he couldn't let her go... neither dil nor dimaag could stand and watch while she did this.

a crescendo of shots and feelings and music. an end point arriving.

she closed her eyes... and most poignantly and tellingly khushi recalled a man marrying her. her man, arnav ji. the shadi that hurt her, the shadi that made her feel loved.

he lunged. she fell forward.

a scream. all went black.

he had caught her in his arms and fallen back onto the terrace floor.

how he held her said what his lips couldn't. there was too much hurt, too many emotions for that.

he had fallen with her like that and lain with her just the day before, hadn't he? under a shower of petals...

she realised where she was and began to struggle... he pushed her off...

anger pain madness in him mixing, whirling, a tornado catching speed.

fantastic direction... he walked away from her, back turned... the emotional upheaval arousing resentment.

camera work changed. another critical juncture had been reached on the road to eternity.

what the hell were you thinking!

he was going to tell her...

"maine yeh sab lavanya ke vajah se nahin kiya... okay?" i didn't do all this because of lavanya, okay!!

"jhoot mat boliye..." still child like, angry. don't lie!

"main jhoot nahin bol raha hoon..." i am not lying.

then tell me why did you marry me.

memories of the other terrace in the dark... here in broad daylight. claustrophobic, maddening.

"har pal yeh sawal hume khata rehta hai..." every moment, this question eats into me.

he remembers what eats at him.

"hume sach jaanne ka poora haq hai." i have every right to know the truth.

he is shaking with anger as she says "chhor dijiye anjali ji ko..."

a million memories of shyam and her, in fragments in sequence no sequence and of him marrying her, crowd and ignite.

"kyunki main tumhare aur shyam ke baare mein jaanta hoon..." because i know about shyam and you...

sound pulls us into the vortex of emotions and feelings of that assertion.

"jaanta hoon ki tumhare aur shyam ka affair chal raha hai!"

i know you and shyam are having an affair.

"issliye ki maine tumse shadi."

that's why i married you.

he was holding her even then, when he told her she was just a low down home wrecker, a girl who is having an affair with a married man. his sister's husband.

his tense taut body seemed to want to hurtle into her. and she stood stunned.

here between heaven and earth and far away from the sweetness of pink walls or any other safety, any shelter in fact, here between life and death... despite body double, strange story line, apparently many problems during shoot, in fact some backgrounds are i think superimposed... they made primeval contact again. a man, a woman, an emotion.

and was there a story angle in there somewhere? just as the thought of her being in love with someone else drove him crazy...and made him do something he never would have otherwise... only for her; so did the thought of him loving someone else drive her crazy... and she did something she would never do otherwise? only for him?

i decided to read it that way. 

though writing would not say that later. in fact he would tell his sister he did not love khushi when he married her. yeh sach nahin hai, i will hear myself say. but what is truth after all. and whatever it is, it isn't here. it is out there.

......................

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