episode 228 hamesha is sometimes just a moment

she'd said she'd go away forever and he had no idea why it mattered. but it did. so much that he feared. asr was afraid to turn around and look at her place... what if he saw... a locked door. she's gone. he was not going to look, faraq nahin padta, but all he was aware of was that door, that house where he'd walked in with her in his arms, when he'd feared she was gone, when she'd held onto his lapel, when he'd had to steal a look at her through the window to make sure she was ok, she was alive, she was awake. and now he had to turn and see, every part of him wanted to see, he couldn't resist any longer, he turned. a locked door. he felt a rush of feelings he'd never known before. the billowing dupattas came from nowhere and reminded him of things, touching him, reaching out, bringing him murmurings and messages he didn't clearly understand. just  a funny dry pain shot through him and he couldn't look away. episode 50, neatly designed, no gaps, no awkward breaks, and an unforgettable moment without a single word where we try to catch a feeling it is really difficult to name or explain in mere words.

i don't know why but this longing of arnav singh raizada, this fear that she's gone forever seems to be echoing in the layers of these post wedding days, even in swami, especially in certain moments of 228. as he looks at her, as he wants her, does he think she can never be really his ever? he had feared crazily that evening in the guest house, but she was safe. then came lucknow and her decision to go away forever... hamesha. but she did return. he started to understand those messages, those feelings... and again came a moment of losing her. lucknow is one thing, but how to win the one you love if she loves another? 

episode 228

"what if i lost you?!" he had yelled frantically without paying any heed to where he was or who was listening that night. holding her face in his hands, he'd let out his desperate fear and that incalculable need for a girl who came from nowhere and changed his world forever.

she had needed him to say as much to her, maybe she had no idea but this is how he said i love you, i can't live without you... maybe she needed the words then, so she had pushed him away and said, so what.

seething, he had brought her back home, again going to pieces when her bangle broke and a shard lodged itself in her wrist.

he couldn't afford to lose her. she had become vital to life. to living.

while writing on 178, the "what if i lost you?" episode, i'd felt his desperation. life without khushi had already become impossible to imagine. a para from that take:

'as though the whole story of love got told in that one violent, vehement, exclamation on a dark road. a plea in it, a declaration too. don't leave me ever, i can't live without you. this point on that part of the story will be told, there will be a "khushi" connecting heartbeats, a silent near death by a terrace treacherous, madness, mayhem, even hate... yet the journey will go inexorably to the subtext of "what if i lost you?"

"don't ever leave me. main tumhare bina ji nahin paaoonga."'

and yet, he had stood there watching on that terrace as she had been held by another. a part of him had felt, this was it... he had indeed lost her.

that feeling perhaps was separate from and more intense than any other feeling he'd had at that moment. i remember thinking, for a moment then he reminded me of his mother... dying inside the way she did when she realised her husband indeed had another lover. yes he was asr the brother watching catastrophic betrayal, but even more at one level he was the new, besotted lover full of hope, dying a terrifying death.

khushi was gone forever. he had lost her.

funny thing about love though, it is not easy to erase from the heart. even if your lover is false, even if your lover is unfair, sometimes even if they murder, they maim, they cheat on you. neither he nor she could snuff out that feeling, no matter how much they suffered.

228 continued from 227 on the theme of kkgsr trying out her new strategy to destroy him... kill him with expressed love. delightful acting by both sanaya and the red clad angry young hero.

she laughed in green as he seethed in crimson, his whole family enjoyed a little leg pulling of the mighty one. he sounded utterly cute complaining to nani... look what she's calling me! what? swami! snigger snigger around the table. 

 
frankly, that was not at all asr, but barun managed to keep his asr despite the cutesy. i said "phew!"

he charged off looking hot, managed to get a white shirt (yes yes yes) from akash who had arrived with yellow roses for one of the most embarrassing characters in ipk... he rushed off to wear his shoes, for once they were polished, wonderful.

and she planned yet another little game. it was meant to be light and fun and irritate him further.

that was all.

when she held his chin without thinking and pulled him close, she had no idea what this might lead to.

he looked up, taken by surprise, saw her leaning so close, then she made contact.

forehead to forehead.

complete contact of a powerful centre of energy, where the teeka sits... a potent symbol in hindu thought. the area between the eyebrows where we put our bindi, a little dot of colour, is also considered to be the sixth chakra, "ajna", the seat of concealed wisdom. the bindi represents the third eye... a mystical and highly esoteric idea of an invisible eye that has the power to perceive beyond what the eye can. and it sees things that ordinary sight is not able to. (information from the net, but most hindus have grown up hearing about this concept.)

she dragged him to her this time. and leaning over him, laid her forehead on his. their bodies touched, where the third eye resonates. a mytical element to this touching. 

as the moment caught them in its clasp and took them away from all that was here, she began to lift her head, while he stared at her as if seeing her for the first time. and in their inverted lines, profiles almost flowing into each other and fitting, another concept of opposite forces being interconnected and interdependent came to mind, the yin and the yang.

but had there been not even a single mystical connotation, the moment and that touch were still profound. for an instant, both became who they were before the terrace ever happened.

a man and a woman who loved each other. who couldn't live without each other.

a moment of intense awareness. all non essentials fell away.

they stayed there, not moving, almost not breathing.

then a single word escaped his lips, guttural, resonating with the longing that was in his eyes that day he thought she had left... and the passion of the explosive "what if i lost you?!"

"khushi."

that was all he said.

i felt his desire, his love, his melting into her, his call to her soul, his immersion in her, and his heart beat... now inextricably connected with her name.

she felt all of it too, she stayed there unable to react, to move, getting lost. then she pulled herself up, still disoriented, wanting him as much as he wanted her. and once more returned to the here and now and the game that must be played.

all the fun and play that followed was engaging, but at the centre of the episode somehow was that one simple moment, its effect radiating out in ripples across the rest of the action.

one more beautiful thing in that contact, that connection... the transference of colour, from him to her. this time it was a perfect bindi, red and vibrant, as though she had branded him and made him her own.

as though she is colouring him somehow, helping him find his colour, feel it, wear it... lovers always influence each other, the best ones do it positively, taking each other to new levels of life and consciousness... again and again their colours will mingle. in the guest house, it had been a cut and blood red, later sindoor and later still a spot of blood from her on him that would not go...

haldi on her dupatta, her being almost, he had rubbed. the future holds heady play of mehendi and haldi... 

intimate, sexual, sensual and even mystical this exchange of colour... 

he in the meantime skipped breakfast and lunch, not even gila gila pusta was consumed. funnily, in reality too he looked a bit thin and drawn somehow, maybe this is around when ipk started telling on barun's health; but he didn't fail to have my dhadkane increase in that shot with the spider web like graph on him. i did notice too not one other guy working in ar is anywhere near good looking.

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