episode 88 salt water

a tear.

today that one single tear that came from where who knows, yet we all do, the tear is in me. it came from a place within, glistened on the edge of her eye and rolled down visible clearly to him, before she knew of its coming or its catching the light and flowing down a feeling; touching it with its salt, telling it it's true.

sometimes the writing touched a sublime note. this was one of them. often while watching ipk, at the oddest of moments when no major thing is happening, perhaps just a look in his eyes or a play in her voice brings a tear stinging the back of my eye. it's perhaps because something senses the truly precious, the ephemeral, the thing alive, in a feeling between a man and a woman. 

and there they stood, a man and a woman. seemingly miles of distance between them in every way, yet there they stood and she was really his, and he only hers. it's just a moment. you can let it go and say it never was, but such things, once they happen, they never really go away.

khushi's feelings how powerful they were, how overwhelming, they cared not for her inner sanctions and restrictions, they bothered not that she didn't really have the experience to understand them, they just came and made their claim. he was hers, how could anyone else hold him? and he put his arms around another? 

and he had come to only wipe away her tears. 

why else had he come to do what he'd said he never would? for whom did he carry that slightest, incredibly beautiful almost-smile, whose expression brought it on? the smile on which face did he seek? and who touched his heart? the heart he said he didn't have. nahin hai dil asr ke seene mein.

                                     

the tear was its own answer. but khushi surrounded it with only questions.

"hey devi maiya, yeh kyun ho raha hai? hum pareshan kyun hain? akhir humare kahne pe hi toh... hume toh khush hona chahiye... lavanya ji itni khush hui... par jab woh dono saath... pata nahin hume kya... hum pareshan kyun hai." hey devi maiya... why is this happening? why am i upset? after all, it's because i said... i should be happy... lavanya ji was so happy... but when they were together... i don't know what.. why am i getting upset? she is so confused, so unprepared to realise what it is she feels. she is not supposed to feel like this.

but isn't that what made it valid? you feel for someone a powerful feeling of desire and more, with no rational reason or basis for it. extra-rational. isn't that the very nature of love? in fact, even of of faith? isn't love itself a thing of faith? can we start loving because you fit a certain bill? can we stop loving because you do things that hurt?

"kyun usske aankhon ke aansoo mujhe pareshan kar rahein hain? kyun use main rota hua nahin dekh sakta."  why are the tears in her eyes upsetting me? why can't i see her crying? rabba vey played its gentle piano notes as though asking curiously, yes, why? 

both are pareshan, neither knows why. the tears are like little vehicles to a separate different space, an extra-rational space where only feelings count. feelings that will come together and become "khushi, i love you" and in response, a tear rolling slowly down as she grips the phone, her man now in the embrace of danger,"i love you, arnav ji," it said.

perhaps it said it for the first time just now, here. absolutely brilliant writing. when we are moved in our core, even when we aren't aware of it, the emotion still has its say. sometimes this way.

he walks into office. stops nonplussed. the room is overflowing with plants... and there's a letter.

in hindi, from "tumhari lavanya kashyap." of course, there was no way he didn't know who had sent the letter... but still he went.

"i'm sorry... please mujhe rok lijiye, nahi toh pahad... se kudkar... main apni jaan de doongi." i am sorry, please stop me from leaving... otherwise.. i'll leap off a mountain and kill myself. okay this is the precise point when it not only registered that khushi has done this but also exactly how sanka she is. did he feel a little laughter bursting forth inside? just a teeny little "yeh ladki mujhe paagal kar degi" or "unbelievable" moment?

he put the letter down on his desk. and sat down, leaned back, closing his eyes. a familiar stance when his deep in his emotions. that first evening at the fashion show, later the sunday when he couldn't help but think of her after the resignation showdown, and now. every time, the lean back as though needing rest and the lids slowly descending taking him to his inner world.

inevitably thoughts of khushi came. first her voice, tearful, distraught, "aapne kabhi bhi unse pyaar kiya bhi tha?" did you ever even love her?

then tears in her eyes as she looked at him right here, in this office, only a short while back.

tears.

he jolted up, shaken to the core. tears in her eyes, even in a memory, is unbearable.

(really why can't he bear to see her eyes filling. my mind wanders and says, was there yet another story we were never told. had he seen her on that night that her parents went, an eight year old sweet and solemn little girl, tears brimming to her eyes and she trying hard to control it. did his subconscious have a memory that kept coming back whenever he saw her crying now? a story? ok i will not ponder this any more. just that too many times he asked himself this question, maybe a different, more complex story was it's origin.)

dammit! he struck the desk with his helpless fist.

"then all of a sudden, this tear plopped down on the checkerboard. On one of the red squares ... boy, i can still see it. she just rubbed it into the board with her finger. i don't know why, but it bothered hell out of me. so what i did was, i went over and made her move over on the glider so that i could sit down next to her - i practically sat down in her lap, as a matter of fact. then she really started to cry, and the next thing i knew, i was kissing her all over - anywhere - her eyes, her nose, her forehead, her eyebrows and all, her ears - her whole face except her mouth and all. she sort of wouldn't let me get to her mouth."

~~~ j d salinger, catcher in the rye ~~~

~~~ shashi babu continues his investigation and walks into a little trap laid by shyam. shyam is giving idiotic slanted smiles. life goes on.

~~~ nani is back and wondering what's different about the environment. he returns home with an elated lavanya. but the smile that made him really smile was his di's. the sweetest bro smile as she hugged him.

~~~ nani struggled with her smile.

~~~ beginning of navratri. nine days of the goddess. and the first arati is here. the story of her slaying the demon mahishasura in my mind as i look at shyam trying to act as the consigliere. on vijaya dashami, evil will be vanquished and ma durga will return home, come down only to help ram overcome ravan. but the real evil was the grotesques mahishasura... mmm did he twitch?

~~~ she stands before dm thinking of him. he stands before his pool, his place of solace, near his garden and thoughts of ma where he feels safe. and there's a girl with a tear rolling down on his mind. while she thinks of him putting his arms around another woman.

~~~ "kabhi kabhi hum kissi cheez ko poori duniya jehan mein dhundte rahte hain aur woh hota hai humare aankhon ke saamne." sometimes we look for something all over the world and it is right before our eyes. and if you want to find out what's really wrong with your friend let her do this test, ask her to see if her breath quickens when she's around this person. thank you, shyam, for that right before your eyes and dhadkane tez ho jaati words. very very clever writing. smooth absolutely. 

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