"suffer love! a good epithet! i do suffer love indeed, for i
love thee against my will." "in spite of your heart, i think. alas, poor heart, if you spite it for my sake, i will spite it for yours, for i will never love that which my friend hates."
~~~ benedick and beatrice in much ado about nothing by william shakespeare ~~~
"kkgsr dabba service...," she sits on the floor with a satisfied air and talks business... "just write the name properly."
he walks in. in a temper, a flaming one.
their clashes, their takkars, have always been intense. often beautiful, and how powerfully they convey a sense of attraction, of extreme longing. when they can't meet and embrace any other way, they do it through a tearing, ripping, bitter fight... for they must touch, must connect. if either grew indifferent, that would be the end of everything, perhaps life itself...
one look at her happy face, and he seems first taken aback, then completely riled. love is really a strange animal, it sometimes comes out in the most warped ways. he needs something today. her sataana is getting to him. he is seriously irritated by the raiding of his office, and then there is the issue of shyam... he frets for his sister's safety.
in this state perhaps nothing can bring him peace other than khushi. the khushi for whom his heart had raced. but she is not available... he believes she doesn't exist. and yet... the moment he sees her, he must reach and hold.
through a brusque, "what the hell...," an incensed and offensive, "what's this mess, yeh room saaf karo. now!"... if need be.
communication rarely happens in an obvious stated way. i hate you can mean so many things... i love you, i need you, i can't live without you, why are you not who i thought you were, how could you hurt me so...
her papers lie all over the place, she hasn't heard him. she is speaking on the phone. on her bluetooth. he snarls and yanks off the receiver. getting physical again. a violence in him today. deep in him are trapped many things unresolved, untouched, from a deeply violent night, maybe that surfaces when he is worn out, frazzled. he is capable of incredible tenderness we know. and yet, when stoked emotionally, he can strike out almost without thought. the ripping of her dori, the slapping of moolrajani, now this snatching away of her bluetooth receiver.
sign of man very tense and losing control.
she doesn't pick on his seething, his inner state. she is perhaps too wrapped in the hurt she feels. usually, khushi gets asr... knows why he rages. but this time she, knowingly or unknowingly, gives him further cause to fume. she insists she has done nothing wrong, it's her side of the room, etc.
he takes away her bluetooth receiver, saying she'll get it only after she has cleaned the room. gosh, asr, you sound like a husband from the middle ages... you really are frayed today, aren't you. or is it that you can't stand disorder, mess, because you are trying so so hard to put order back in life. and one look at things out of place and your already irritated mind just flies into a rage.
whatever it is, khushi has lunged forward to get her earpiece back. and the first engagement between you two begins.
ah, the tussle... at one point as her eyes move over his face, something goes thud in me. and just then the first note of rabba vey floats in. it all feels like magic, the perfect syncing. even after so many viewings.
alas, this must not be allowed to go on, so di has to enter the scene just then.
khushi tries to cover up and starts to talk about her happiness at being able to start a business where she can feed everyone. it's what she has always wanted to do... now she can die in peace. a turn of phrase. usually kkgsr doesn't say such things, it felt a bit forced.
obviously the idea was to get di talking about her life span being granted to khushi, again that turn of phrase and custom... "bhagwan kare, aapko humari umar lag jaaye!"
at this, the man who was at his wardrobe trying to get a change and somehow cool down, whipped around, "stop it, di!"
we all know he can't bear the thought of his sister's dath, the last time she had said it was also here, just before the havan of akash and payal's wedding and he had been completely roiled.
writers want him really angry tonight.
he doesn't disappoint.
khushi goes blithely back to being khushi and starts talking to the goat.
"lakshmi ji, di kitni achhi hai na!" di is so nice...
he turns slightly...
"humne aise hi marne ki baat ki aur di bhavuk ho gaye!" i spoke of dying just like that and she became serious.
he turns more... does it disturb him when she speaks of her death? he is in a dark thick place within. i think talk of her death does bother him.
right at that moment, his thoughts caught between di and khushi, the memories come. nicely written i felt this part was. every time a feeling for khushi sneaks out and catches him off guard, along come the images, the voices, the crashing of his world, all that is imprinted on his mind... chhap gaya hai dimaag mein.
di is saying god forbid, may you have my life span to khushi. shyam is yelling, khushi is my life... there's only one obstacle in our way, ranisahiba. shyam is clutching khushi to him and declaring he only wants khushi. khushi is yelling, then leave anjali ji.
you can tell asr is suffering. breaking.
at "chhor dijiye anjali ji ko!" all the mixed up painful emotions seem to coalesce and focus. in extreme anger.
"just stop it!" loud. aggressive... almost violent.
"meri di hain wo... unhe kuchh nahin hoga... main kuchh hone nahin doonga... chahe tum kuchh bhi kar lo.." she's my sister, nothing will happen to her. i won't let it happen... no matter what you try.
barun did a fabulous job of a man in crazy pain, completely taken over by a thing he is sure he saw, trying to ride the storm. in his eyes, khushi is dangerous. such a confounding assessment of things by a dimaag man.
a nice way to perhaps show to him and to us, how much of a dil man he really was.
he could deal calmly and smartly with most things. yes, he lost it if he felt his di was not safe, or sad. a sure sign of dil that too. but he totally and completely lost it when the girl who made his heart race was involved... to see her in shyam's arms, to hear her suggest shyam should leave his sister... it was such a strike on his heart, he lost his mind.
"kya?" she is totally at sea...
what have i done. and that bewildered girl is back, the one who had wondered, what, what "chot" have i given you?
again the memory of the terrace in him. he swallows hard, staring at her... his temper rising... angry very angry... hurt.
and the words that seem torn from him... because i don't say anything doesn't mean i don't know anything. "main kuchh kehta nahi hoon doesn't mean ki mujhe kuch pata nahin hai..."
why don't you say anything, i want to ask him. why don't you accuse her point blank and charge her directly? why? what are you afraid of? why are you not able to say this to her? is that also a sign of your dil? your love?
she is mystified. he is enraged. a wondrous engagement through aggression ensues. the revulsion in him when he thinks of her and shyam together gripping, sending him to bizarre places. long intense looks at her, full of "dhikkar", righteous condemnation... and yet you felt his longing.
he drags her to the poolside, because he doesn't want anyone to hear, the battle rages. she speaks of her dard... he says that's fine, because she has always deserved only pain.
"kyunki tum hamesha se yeh deserve karti ho..." love the language of asr, that hindi english mix, city... real... totally him. but i feel sad that "hamesha" got a place in this vicious sentence.
"tumhare saath jo bhi hua tum ussike layak ho... in fact, agey jaakey tumhare saath aur bhi bura hoga!" whatever's happened to you, you are fit for that only... in fact, worse will come your way.
"tum jo chahti ho wo tumhe kabhi mil nahin sakta..." what you want you can never get. terrible terrible core of the whole situation. why all that happened, happened. i recall her saying, no matter what you say, itna toh humne aapko majboor kar hi diya, that you had to marry me. yeah, it was more complex that anyone thought... anyone.
i always feel when we name a thing we think we get it, understand it completely. we called that moment on the terrace... mu. misunderstanding.
and thought we knew what it was.
but really it was far more than just a simple mu. it was a killing terrible terrifying thing for a man just beginning to feel a love he had never felt...
evaah. had to say it the asr way.
"vishwas nahin hota ki aap wahi insaan ho jisne...," her heart shredding, her tears pouring out, she said i can't believe you're the same man who...
yeah, who... who was supposed to tell her something. baat karni hai... flirt a bit and say... bas karni hai. the man about whom she had started having dreams... the man who always raided her dreams, but at last she felt, she could perhaps... chooriyan, aapne di hain? all their tender flirty aware of each other conversations float around in that silence... even his anger, his of course faraq padta hain, kyonki...
how could that man be doing this to her.
terrible poignant sadness.
when he hurts her by accident, in a second all the rage is gone... khushi! is she hurt.
no, she is not hurt on the hand... it's elsewhere that she is and she is not going to let you show concern. instead, let all the hurt come, that's what you say i deserve, right?
such a terrific man woman engagement. asr khushi hamesha in it.
he has said the most horrible things... accused her of ghatia harkat, baaton...low down actions and words. he is not going to believe her.. esp those tears.
i am glad he spoke. he needed to say something. as we speak, and express, we ease inside at times.
she also didn't stay quiet and adopt a martyrish air. she won't cry any tears for him and she won't let him help her when she is hurt.
"enoooughh!" he'd yelled. maybe she said it quietly in herself even as she railed and fought back.
awkwardness when he returns. a dark tension in him... real again. he tears up the tickets for bali...
the bali set up was interesting and all the goofiness of shyam scheming then shyam stymied, kind of fun. the nani and family scenes balanced the fight somehow. it's true, family often tries to improve matters when couples fight, often love prompts it and yes, a feeling of interference seeps in. here i never did mind the over concern of di or the great ideas from nani... true to their characters. have i mentioned i am beginning to adore nani some more.
i had a feeling that story was ready to engage with the central conflict involving shyam khushi asr. get deeper, dirtier, more confrontational... right through dilli ma bali, heer ranjha, i felt that. then suddenly a break i couldn't get at gh... highly intent on raising the feel good factor and also, hey we got asr where we want him glee. then finally another terrace and the fights that would get it all out in the open.
mystifying, this diversion. but ever since nanital we know, you never really get to where you think you will, and yet destinations are reached.
whoever directed the warring and grappling and clinches of this episode, many salaams to you.
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