episode 130 samjhi tum

main aisa hi hoon... i am like this... i have no idea why, but this is how i am. he said it with an anguish those who haven't ever had that feeling will perhaps never understand, but they will be moved nonetheless.

this episode was like an essay on that one line alone. he is  a certain way... that's all. fathom him or not, like it or not... this is how he is. he hurts, he aches, she touches him terribly, but he can't take it, just can't. and he has only one defence, one weapon really. his dearest friend, his saviour from the day he let it come right out and surround him in its fierce shield... his anger. it was there in that "maa" too. it's what keeps him together whenever he feels vulnerable.

and she makes him feel "weak" again...

he hits the breaks. he is disturbed... his thoughts fly to "yeh mat sochna ek amir aadmi tumhare payal seene se lagakar baitha tha..." don't think a rich man was sitting with your anklet clasped to his heart

and all the tears gathering in her shocked eyes.

"mujhe iss sab se koi faraq nahin padta..." all this makes no difference to me.

then comes another memory of her tears. "kahin aisa na ho ki jise tumne rais samjhke fassaya hai... iss bracelet ki tarah sasta ho," may it not turn out, that the man you trapped thinking he's wealthy, is actually as cheap as that bracelet...

and another picture in his head, creatives use flashbacks repeatedly to build story, but each shot is selected with care and somehow the device never palls, becoming an essential aspect of ipk and its execution.

"maafi maango..." say sorry, he taunts her with a smile.

"sorry..." a tear drops, fat, round, bursting with pain.

flashback four. "gift nahin toh... tip saamjhke rakh lena," and she cries sitting alone in her world of shattering dreams.

he banged the steering wheel with his injured hand...

"kyun karta hoon main aisa...  hamesha uski aankho mein aansoo... kyun usski har baat se itni taqleef hoti hai mujhe?..." why do i do this... always tears in her eyes... why does everything about her give me so much pain?

he's rending, you can feel the cut, the slicing of something within... 

"lekin ab... ab aisa nahin hoga... kyunki main aisa hone nahin doonga." but now, now this won't happen... because i won't let it happen. how he struggles for control. for a safe return to fort faraq nahin padta. and yet, that is not to be.

in the living room, just a small, subtle hint at khushi's awareness of him, her need. she's rattled when la shows nani ji the jewellery asr "chose" for her. 

she may not say anything, but her dream world shatters too, because unknowingly she had fallen for someone she had no intention to even go near. he was her rajkumar and he had hurt her with his running away from her. so she has dashed into an engagement herself even before looking at the feeling clearly, or assimilating it herself... but that didn't mean she didn't hurt, didn't feel. in fact, the day she connected her dhakdhak to him, she'd also connected it to "pyaar" and all her fantasies of what would happen when love comes.

now that had to be pushed away, so she was coming to a point where she'd take away the word pyaar and replace it with confusion... i don't know what's happened to me. but the feeling? what do you do about that?

all of this, in one slightly fixed look when la and nani talk. stylish.

when he walked in and saw la in "khushi" sort of clothes, he erupted, compsure blown.

"yeh kya hai lavanya yeh kya pahna hei tumne... ek toh main pehle hi koshish kar raha hoon ki..." what's this la, what're you wearing... here i am trying to... trying to what, asr... forget khushi?

and a shelling follows, completely uncalled for tempo and fire. the gussa is out... it's all been too much for him... his only outlet that temper

"aur yeh... yeh cheez isse lagakar tum itni stoopid lag rahi ho... bilkul uss..." and this... wearing this you look so stupid, just like that...

and  "uss..." walks into view. a silence. "tum aiase kyun ho???!!!" why are you like this? poor poor la's desperate question to her inscrutable, impossible to understand fiance.

you're going to change right now... "nahin asr, main yeh dress change nahin karoongi..." no asr, i will not change... la is fighting back. no one can live like this. khushi is perturbed. an absolute pure innocence on her face. troubled she is, and vulnerable, her only defence, her sheer saadgi... clean heart that reflects on her visage.

he wades in... you'll do as i say.a telling remark, i think at least twice from la in these episodes about asr's temper... it has gone up inexplicably these days. why? in his room he paces like a caged animal.  the grip of this emotion on him is unbearable.

and she is at the door.

"get out." he wants this over before it's begun.

"nahin...hume aapse baat karni hai." no, i need to talk to you.

"toh karti raho... mujhe nahin sunni," then talk, i don't have to listen...

she takes the blame for la choosing that dress. why does she do that i wonder. it's one of khushi's many little lies... is there any need for it? is this how women in our patriarchal society are taught to "adjust" the truth, view this blame taking as a way of acquiring some sort of bizarre inner power? she has every right to say everything else she does.

but this confounds me. it is wrong. and at some point khushi should realise this and let go of this manipulation.

but the rest of her words are relevant and pointed... you have no idea how much people around you love you... do you know what your bitter words do to them?

and then her suddenly bringing herself into the story, oh he didn't see that coming. i know you are angry with me... but don't punish la for that. "hum jaante hain ki aap hum par gussa hain.  lekin isski sazaa lavanya ji ko mat dijiye."

he'd said he wouldn't let anything to do with her matter to him...he'd spoken too soon... the implications of her words and the truth in them blows him apart. classic raizada gussa rises and the tongue lashes out... but as i hear, i wonder, is this the storm before the calm... the last leap of the tempest...?

"tum samjhti kya ho apne aap ko"... who do you think you are...  you think i am angry because of you... that whatever i do i do because of you... voice rising, a full flight into rage... unthrottle, lift off... if you think it makes any difference to me your being or not being here... "tumhare hone ya na hone se koi faraq padta hai..." then forget it... she starts at the vehemence, the magnitude of this anger... in my life you don't have so much importance that because of you i'll get angry and then take it out on someone else... well, that's exactly what he's done... you don't even exist for me... do you understand...  tum ho ya na ho... whether you're there or not... now the index fiinger is jabbing downward  making a furious point...  kuch kaho, kuch karo... mujhe usse koi faraq nahin padta... whether you say something or do something, doesn't make a damn difference to me...

samjhi tum?!!! 

the glass shook at the decibel level.

he has turned away on the final words. he can't lie looking you in the eye... he never could. she is desperately trying to control her feelings... somehow this time he can't stay looking the other way... he needs to know if he's hurt her again, his lips quiver ever so slightly, he sees her and can't really... eyes close in pain, he turns back.

almost unable to stop himself.

there she stands, tears in both eyes. he is immediately contrite...
the music changes... all the high notes and drama taken away... just a quiet thick emotional feel... slow, probing. trying to find what's hidden in the layers...

she wipes her  eyes... his response is a reflex, he can't watch her in this state... he has done this again, brought tears to her eyes.. har baar usski ankhon mein aansoo...

"hum jaante hai ki hamare hone ya na hone se aapko koi faraq nahin padta...  par hum yeh bhool gaye the ki aap arnav singh raizada hain... aur kissi ka dil dukhane ke baad aap kabhi maafi nahin maangte..." a quiet, hurt but determined little voice says, i know my being here or not makes no difference to you, but i'd forgotten you are asr, and after hurting someone you never ask for forgiveness...

he listens speechless, just his eyes glowing like embers, saying things to her to himself to me. he swallows once.  

my mistake that i came to talk to you..."humari galati ki hum yahan aapse baat karne aaye the," poised and almost ethereal... the other side of burning yelling destroying anger. 

 
with a gesture most poignant she shut the sliding door, an air of finality, the grating sound cutting through the space between them dividing them forever. he had shut the door on her face. she accepted that there was no recourse... he is arnav singh raizada and no one can make him listen to anything... she is nothing and nobody to him... she left.

 
an emotional purity in this scene. a leveling, no game. though she knew she had her feelings and he his, there was no passive aggression here, tonight she accepts whatever it is he says.. and she is leaving the battle field... this is her submission.

what a fight couldn't do, that quiet voice and eyes full of tears did. he heard. through all, his agony and rage and love and despair, the words reached him.

"lavanya..." sweet and gentle... "yeh kya kiya tumne i mean change kyun kiya..." he came to his fiance and apologised.

the music was just so beautiful... understated, feeling its way around... tumhe pasand hai toh tumhe pehna chahiye... if you like it you should wear it... listen to me... i'm sorry lavanya, mujhe iss tarah react nahin karna chahiye tha... i shouldn't have reacted like this.

now that's the asr i know. he does not interfere in the way his girl friend or wife dresses. even when he doesn't think it's cool.

la was delighted to have the man she loves back... i love you, asr.

and then as he hugged lavanya, a beguiling, astonishing act... he looked directly at khushi and said, "i'm sorry." without him really doing it intentionally yet wanting to very badly within himself, did he just apologise to her? gentle, imploring almost, no wonder she looked mesmerized. she who means nothing to him.

he's done with hurting her... he can't bear it any more.

khushi reacts to all that's happening, this time when he looks at her, a worry, an empathy... what a tangled web.

this time he wanted to tell her something, anything, everything, his eyes said it all, as he stood there watching, his eyes unable to leave her as she left the room... maybe she too heard.

maybe that's why, that night, she had to speak to dm. tell her she doesn't know what she feels or why... once she knew what but not why... now she has to forget the what too... confusion is safer. i will deal with it, i won't ask anymore questions... once he's engaged i'll be fine... and you are there with me... aren't you?

the phone rings at gh. and the drama of no answer begins. at rm, anjali is a worrier. one meeting with motilal and she is completely distracted.  she is wondering about truth. payal gets a call from akash.

season change in ipk.

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