295 and 296 took me to that feeling. love's many faces, not always pretty, love's irrational injustice, love's sweet compelling call, love's supremacy... yes, as la had said, pyaar sabse bada hota hai... it has a hold and a healing in it, it sparks and ignites ultimately, past all the tum yahan aayi hi kyun, main tum se mila hi kyun, it's the biggest mistake of my life, etc., ones very dhadkane.
filmi i may sound, but there is a power there that supercedes all. and in submitting to that... such perfect syncing with life. saansey.
everything he said when he left was wrong, especially the barb about shyam... unpardonable really.
yet, all of that was wrapped around that feeling that has come to stay in him.
and she was badly terribly hurt. shocked, insulted, anguished. for days everything had been in turmoil in their lives. but there had been the joy of finding each other. loving each other. trusting each other. now this.
i felt her heart break. i felt her intense agony.
and i felt his heart break too and his intense pain.
he had done wrong by saying what he did.
she was behaving not rationally by threatening to leave. she has told us about the sanctity of marriage so memorably. would she leave him because he said unpardonable things... or maybe his lashing out reminded her of the many others ever since the night of the terrace.
a marriage, though, is really forever, the way khushi read it and it is beyond forever the way asr loved her...
this was just the hell of living in reality and being human.
i often think of tagore's shapmochan when i see their dance of anguish.
in the court of indra, it seems, the court musician was in love with the dancer and lost his concentration. indra banished them to earth and said they would meet there again and give each other extreme pain, utter agony and yet love each other... in that will be their redemption...
jao mortey, shekhane dukha paabe, dukkha debe, shei... hobey prayashchitta.
snatches of the oft heard lines come back. i used to thrill to that story. he is born truly ugly but a prince and a great player of the veena. she is a beautiful girl, a princess i think... they have an arranged marriage where he sends only his veena, not a picture. he has fallen in love with her... when she sees him, there is rejection, terrible hurting... and yet in the end, everything resolves itself and love enters the heart... the redemption is done... shapmochan means the erasing of the curse.
even at seven, eight and nine i could feel the pure power of the tale. and perhaps it was a great allegory of life as it's lived where we often wonder about pain and why it is there at all. more importantly it's a delve into the nature of love.
hurt is resident in it i think.
awful egregious hurt even.
must go through fire to find its complete caratage, all 24 of it.
she sat packing her clothes, a tiny forlorn creature on the bed with a little bag. he burst into the room. he knew he had erred terribly. he knew this would not be easy to set right. asr's need for his lover, his woman, his pagal, his chamkili was written all over him and filled every space available.
but she, today passive in her aggression, had erected a cold inert space around her... she had hurt so much, her heart almost closed and it was with rational arguments, even though with tears flowing down her cheek, she blocked his entry into her world.
to his desperate what are you doing... to his pleading you can't go, i won't let you... she gave him such difficult to fight answers.
he was tired, he was drained, he said he had not meant to say those things... he looked so wan, and said, don't do this, not today.
khushi persisted. too badly stung to reconcile, to resolve the pain.
every time she insisted, he grew more desperate. when she said she couldn't bear to hurt anyone, especially him... a world of wretched sad loving passed between two sets of eyes.
sometimes things do get so bad... so quickly.
and no matter what you try... nothing returns to sanity.
arnav singh raizada has never pleaded with anyone to stay back. he has never really sought any joy for himself ever since he has seen his mother die and his own betray him. a dark wall closes around his heart. he wants happiness for his di... even his family. but himself?
but now a shining warm crazy girl with innocent eyes and passionate giving love who pours mango juice in his shoes has thawed the cold, leapt right in with light. in the abyss of an ocean she has spotted a pearl and released it. it shines, it refuses to let darkness gain momentum, it gleams...
and it makes him want to be happy. makes him want something for himself even. makes him want to live. this quiet sad girl with her black canvas bag, packing her stuff. he can't let her go.
main tumhare bina...
he starts saying what he knows to be true now... without you, i can't...
but she won't let him finish such sentences... that might be her undoing.
wonderful direction by arshad khan. a palpable, dense, tense, moment between lovers, both just saying i love you so much, in the middle of all the nasty words and i will leave you. somehow asr's need comes across more. khushi is doing to my mind what many women have done before in a patriarchal set up where women struggle in there own way, she's closed her emotions, toned down her feelings as much as possible and with her bruised dignity is "managing" this whole thing... mainly her agony, that bereft feeling within.
main tumhare bina...
she cuts in but my stomach has already felt his yielding crying need.
humse bardasht nahin hota, arnav ji
i can't bear it, arnav ji...
what is in those eyes of his. how much can a man need a woman.
ki hamari vajah se di taqleef mein hai...
that because of me di is in pain...
the eyes seem to change and say what! what about... and he says aloud the words.
aur main...
and me?
two little words... what about me... a man's need to be loved, to matter, to not be abandoned... not again. he has never asked for anything for himself... today and only with her, he does.
khushi has perhaps brought down the last of those walls. he can again want happiness and speak of his personal need. he doesn't have to be strong man, i can handle it all, he can be vulnerable... that is her gift to him almost.
i can never express the sheer beauty of this moment...
but khushi was too hurt to hear.
and at last, he had to turn to his old friend, his habitual response pattern, anger, to manage the moment.
the contract came up. she was even more hurt. shocked really. after all that they'd been through... how could he... yes, he is a beast indeed... no prince, he.
which again said to me, to khushi the marriage was real now and not a mere contract for six months. in which case, leaving home as first option after your husband has hurt you may not be the best one. but today everything is meant to go haywire... a day of emotions out of control and loving through hurting.
he took all the name calling, he pretended he didn't care, though he did turn away from her as he threatened dire things. and when she had left the room... words pored through him.
sorry mujhe yeh sab kehna pada khushi, lekin tumhe main kaise jaane de sakta hoon... sorry i had to do this, khushi, but how can i let you go...
oh the voice. that break in it, the stress on tumhe, the lost feeling.
but iss contract ke poora hone se pehle main tumhe wapas paa loonga... but before the end of the contract, i'll get you back. look at that acting.
later when she stood sad by the pool and spoke to the stars, he remembered of course that very first time she had told him about her conversation with the stars, healed him... tears seem not far away and both their minds go to the moment that tied them... for six months and for eternity. their wedding. the threats, the signs of lifelong commitment... mangalsutra, sindoor, not just anger and violence.
i am sorry, khushi, mujhe maaf kar do, maine tumhe itna dukh pahunchaya hai, but i will bring you back
tumhe wapas jeetke rahunga
aur apne zindagi ka hissa banoonga hamesha hamesha ke liye.
i am sorry, khushi, forgive me, i've hurt you so much, but i will bring you back, i will win you back and make you apart of my life forever and ever.
i am looking at a doer. a man who would make his destiny, if he has botched it, he will set it right. i have loved this essence of a man taking charge and responsibility of his own life in this character. he makes me ponder free will. why we have it... what are we to do with it... what is our say in our life, what is from somewhere else.
in the morning, the cutest of mistakes. in one simple sentence we know who has become really and truly important. when he finds khushi missing, instantly a fear, a worry... rushes around then walks into di's room and without thinking...
di, aapne khushi ko dekha kya?
di, have you seen khushi?
sabse important baat has a way of finding its way and coming to light.
just two things about the new chapter of khushi's birthday now opening. only ms irani can look so pretty and jhalli in that ghastly pink blue velvet monstrosity. and when he walked in, he was, for once, not looking his usual handsome self... a bit haggard, hair oily, skin dank. but the eyes burned. and i was happy to know, it was not just his good looks that got me. actually, he has been looking a little tired, face puffy since his return.
khushi is trying to be happy, and so, acting corny. she has told nothing to her family.
how dare you, khushi... man is here.
jab main tumse baat kar raha hoon toh meri taraf... when i'm talking to you then look at...
he was beginning to lose his cool again. disproportionate anger, uff i wish they had delved into this trait. why when where how of it.
bua ji's revelation has him in shock. then she lands him in a mess: didn't bring a gift?
and again talk starts between two sets of eyes.
you didn't tell me...
why should i ? you hurt me so much.
but 296 was really about the need in a lonely, tough man, who can't do without the love of his life any more. and its most telling moment... aur main?
for months, a song has said asr to me... i didn't even get all the words, what they said or meant, but it was asr. i felt it land perfectly on the two words. made a vm, do take a look.
......................
fanfiction
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