Sunday, 20 September 2015

episode 111 nahin understand

before the owner could think or even knew it, the hand rose in a hypnotic arc slowly and touched the playful lock of hair on her cheek, her forehead, pushing it back slowly, wondering, caressing behind her ear. and then the hand stayed there, just holding her cheek, just wanting to stay there, not leave.

the other hand went exploring too, and ever so gently cupped her right cheek. he was holding her face in his hands, his eyes looking intently at her, at her quivering pearl pink lips, there was an air of such utter concentration on his face, his whole body, as though this is all that there was to life, nothing else existed in the whole universe.

she was alive to his electric touch, its effect coursing through her entire being, she clutched her saree... what was that, anticipation? and she never turned her face away. never said, "stop, no." she stood there her back against the wall, waiting, just waiting for him to finish what he had started.

maybe there was nothing else in the universe at that moment.

beside this very pool, on another night of festivities, he had asked her rough, abrasive, "tumne toh kaha tha tum chali jaogi... hamesha ke liye," you'd said you'd leave forever? he'd never understood why it had thrown him asunder to think she was going forever... leaving, he would never see her again.

he knew he'd never let any woman matter to him, not like that. but he didn't know perhaps it had already begun to be a little too late. he'd seen her sitting in his cupboard that day, a shattering meeting, his world rocked by the effect of her presence. she'd run away. but he'd found her here and made sure she couldn't escape. not again. the violence in the air was it a sign of something else? he refused to think as he jerked her to him and began his tirade... only this time he didn't let his insult about money go all the way. when lavanya walked in she took the chance to escape, but not before a part of her had flung itself right here on the poolside as though it didn't want to leave.

do we do such things when our conscious and our subconscious argue? leave behind telling clues? he had left a key with her. she left back her payal.

he had spent many minutes that night alone, when all had gone to bed, here by the water... with that streak of gleaming silver, touch of her along its surface, sound of her in its tinkling, feel of her in the air. why had he never returned it? did he even know? but tonight he'd heard it was her amma's. the only sign of her mother and he knew what he had to do.

when he saw her amid that circle of flickering, inviting diyas, a resistance he'd worked on assiduously for years began to give way. it came on the back of so many feelings for her that the recent days had aroused. her father was terribly ill, the fear of loss ravaged her, he knew about that fear, and wanted her never to feel it, he wanted to protect her, he wanted to lighten her heart's burden, he wanted to see her happy, he wanted to make sure her eye wasn't hurt, oh god, he did want to touch that lock of  falling hair... then there was that crazy concoction drinking she did the other night, something about black magic... magic... what the. and there she sat now, innocent and lovely, and seductive in red. the last part she was completely unaware of which made it even more impossible to look away.

the party began but all he could look for, sense, yearn for was her, and only her. he could sense her, only her everywhere. and she him. when that became too much to bear, she left the room and went to the poolside... but he had to find her there.

why did he come?

before he could even begin to answer that, she fell; well he wouldn't let her. and he sat her down on his lounger, and lifted her foot and placed it almost reverently on his knee. part of her, her bare skin, her perfect arched foot on him, a beautiful gift almost, the way he touched her skin, her ankle, stroking, gentle. till that hurt had to be given. she clutched his shoulder and let out a small scream of pain. ab theek hai, he said. but he didn't let go of her foot.

he had the payal in his pocket, he drew it out and showed her. she had been riven by feelings she'd never felt before the whole evening, and now his silent offering of her mother's only sign left with her. one she thought she'd lost. she watched speechless, as he with complete right, put the ornament around her slight ankle. he lifted up her saree deliberately but with deference so he could reach around her leg... the absorption in him as he did this delicate task of hooking on a sliver of metal, surely arnav singh raizada doesn't do such things every day. is there anyone else in the world he'd do it for. but he just wanted to make her feel whole again perhaps, give her the joy, and maybe he just had to do it himself just because he had to... i want to put your payal on you, your bangles i will buy, maybe a bindi? i want to be with you, i want to be the one... primeval desire, put the shackles on my woman, keep her with me forever. you can't run away... ever.

when he was done, he paused and gathered himself a bit, a sweet innocence in him, didn't she want to reach out and stroke his hair, there at her feet, a powerful self made tycoon known for his arrogance, his gussa, yet so tender so gentle so respectful just for her. but she wasn't thinking of course, how could she? and then he looked up at her. in her eyes such a storm, so many questions, and that thing however hard you try to deny you can't.

he thought he was done, he got up and stepped back, one two steps, but he had to stand there just staring. no choice, he just had to. she slowly came to her feet, a heat was rising around the cool cool water. and it wasn't from the lamps.

she couldn't bear it perhaps, so she turned away, a conversation ending? he perhaps took it as a cue, thinking he could indeed escape and made his way toward the stairs. yet he did have to stop, have to turn around, have to look at her and let himself go, go and take in all that beauty into his heart, into his gut, into his every single part, somewhere along the way.

had to just be there in that moment. where time will stop having any meaning... this was pure unadulterated chaotic mind altering magic.

and intoxication. of innocence of lustre of beauty of sheen of a hidden burning flaming untried unspoilt unmarred desire. how her gaze hid its truth, how her fidgeting hands, her heaving bosom revealed it anyway, how he yearned to gather it all close to him, against him, all of it, only his. 

he was drowning in it, but was he alone?

he had to walk back and right up to her, no words were needed to make his intentions clear, she had a choice to walk away, but she couldn't, instead backward she stepped, almost pulling him along with her, no one had any thought or volition in this matter. she had to go further back, he had to go wherever she went.

swirling winds and stirring music mixed with the first notes of "jadoo hai nasha hai," and desire as we'd see it onscreen got redefined in one long take and what was to follow. my ears feel their heat, my hands tremble almost touching their passion. my head loses all thought as theirs do too. long time ago in a movie called poltergeist, they had this story of a creature from television coming out and grabbing a kid. well, one may laugh at this, but honestly, this scene has had that effect on me every single time i have seen it. poltergeist. that's what it is.

the incredible detailing, the framing of shot, the magnifications played with, the direction, the choice of shots, the lighting, camera, sound, and of course those two people, it all has created a classic scene that spells desire and passion and the losing of one's mind to it like nothing i've ever seen before. deserves an award. a massive mention in the history of indian tv when that gets written finally. 

a few fairly cliche things: woman in red, night, flickering lights, water, two good looking people, the right kind of music, passion being drawn by a director and his actors. we have seen this before. but ever like this? i am full of admiration for the art and complete understanding of a moment by each and everyone involved.

a man and a woman and a sensation that is too powerful to even begin describing. tonight it broke limits and the ocean breached the shore flowing over and the shore melted, merged and said, submerge me.

when she came up against the wall, she stopped. and quivered, and trembled and waited. the longest moments of desire burgeoning, just with eyes emoting, a face swooping, eyes losing focus, getting inebriated, lips half open asking, begging, yes frightened. something unknown something unbelievably exciting on the way.

satyr ears, mesmerizing eyes, a set of pearly lips, a hand clutching red. he came closer, an overwhelming desire.

and the phone rang.

she is startled. his eyes flash. return to here and now. and its trauma. its unending questions. 


in classic asr inflection, he closes his eyes, when they open and he turns his gaze on her you can already see the fear, the disbelief dawning...

if aman hadn't called tonight, the kiss would not be where it would have ended, it would have gone all the way to him lifting her up and taking her to the bed visible through the glass doors, and her holding him tight, close, fingers running through his silken hair, never ever dreaming of saying "no". 

perhaps that thought also rattled them so.

"yeh kya hua... hum iss tarah kaise? aur... arnavji ke paas humari payal? matlab kya hua ye sab ka... hume pata lagana hoga... poochna hoga hume." what happened now... how can i?... and  my payal is with arnavji? what is the meaning of all this... i must find out... i will have to ask. she is determined to know what's up. about the payal, but more about all that... wo sab.

"kaise kar sakta hoon main ye... kya ho gaya tha mujhe... kyun... kyun kamzore pad gaya main." how can i do this... what happened to me... why did i become weak. he has sworn never to let a woman matter, never let her anywhere near her heart. he walks away to seeking a  sanctuary, find his calm, feel strong... not so kamzore. in his eyes this is hell, how could this happen.

if only she had let him be. but then again, she needed her peace, and she thought that was in those answers, the ones only he could give her. a relentless pursuit started.

he avoided her eyes, he disappeared from her sight, but she found him by the place of emotions that are just so theirs. the poolside.

"hum jaante hain ki iss waqt aap phone pe nahin hai..." i know you are not on the phone, she said standing behind him, as intense as he was only minutes ago.

"hume aapse kuch baat karni hai," i need to talk to you about something.

"mujhe tumse koi baat nahin karni," i don't want to talk to you, in his clipped, contemporary lingo.

aap... tum. two worlds... two mindsets... one driving need.

"karni padegi... aapko humari payal kahan mili... kabse yeh aapke paas thi (he swallows, but resolutely quiet)... aur.. aapne hume pehle wapis kyu nahin diya... sirf aaj hi kyun" you have to tell me, where did you get my payal... why didn't you return it to me before? oh, that innocent childlike lilt in her voice at the end...

"bataiye.. jawab dijiye...
,"  tell me, answer me... she is insistent, peremptory almost... it's all getting too much for him...

"ek baar kahi hui baat tumhe samajh nahin aati hai? just leave me alone," he snaps, with a nasty twist to his lip... don't you understand what's been told once to you?

"in fact, tumhari shaql bhi nahin dekhni hai... do you understand." in fact, i don't want to see your face, do you understand?

she's hurt, shocked at his vicious clipped tone, but still persistent.

"nahin understand... aap samjhaiye hume," don't understand, you make me...

"nikal jaao yahan se..." get out of here...

he wants to leave... she stops him. aggression in her, picked up no doubt from him, and from all the burning sensations within, the fire moving from desire to rage. changing energy, growing bigger at every stage... pure physics.

"humne kaha samjhaiya hume... bataaiye kyun aapne humari payal apne paas rakhi... kyun ab tak wapas nahin diye.. iss sab ka kya matlab hai..." i said make me understand... tell me why did you keep my payal... why didn't you return it till now.. what's the meaning of all this? her voice is rising voice rising, strident...

"aur wo sab,"  her voice loses edge, lost suddenly... and all that?


music gets dense, his face, half turned away, he raises his eyes to her face

"aur usska jo... kuch der... pehle..." and that ... which.. a little while back...

unbearable for him.


"i said just leave me alone..." he is struggling. he needs her to stop this inquisition, he is way outside his place of ease, he is breaking, badly... yes,

she doesn't read the signs, for she is beside herself too, everything is roiling within... what's going on...


and he lunges forward grabbing her shoulders, teeth gritted, hissing in anger almost...

"ek shabd bhi ekbar bola na toh..."
if you say even one word now... i think that's what he rasped out, so angry so helpless.

the tears form in her eyes... he just stares, melting breaking ending falling shattering inside... rabba vey, the saddest most forlorn call to the eternal... two people going under, no fault of either, just that it had to be so.

she is crying, squirming at his roughness, his eyes can't watch this any more, they close, a storm of emotions in him... he lets go of her shoulders... he steps back... he can't meet her eyes, maybe he won't , maybe that's when in that agonised state of mind he would take a decision that would lead only to heart break.

this was the evening of decision, after all.

"aap iss tarah bina humara sawal ka jawab diye nahin ja sakte." you can't laeve like thsi without giving me an answer...

"jawab? mujhe tumhe koi jawab dene ki zaroorat nahin hai..." answer? i don't need to give you one.


and he leaves.

layer upon layer, word by word, feeling by feeling his discomfort and anger is rising... he has lost complete control over his feelings. this hasn't happened before... ever... kamzore... kissi ladkise koi faraq nahin padta... then what was this? had she left it alone and walked away things might have gone a different way. but just as she was perturbed so was he... both in difficult places, the more she pushed him, the more he had to hurt her... she had to be told she was of no consequence... he had to tell himself that... no he had to convince himself... his very life seemed to depend on it... so many years' resolve... a decision that had helped him survive... that said, pyaar bakwaas hai... for he had seen its consequences on his mother... he would never let that happen to him... no girl would ever matter, then why... why was this happening, why was he becoming weak... he had to push her away... stop it... but she isn't going away...where did you get the payal.. why did you keep it, why are you returning it, why today... he had turned back at the pool without any thought, as he'd looked at her, lovely lissome arms in bright diwali bangles, fingers clutching, a tremulous air making her even more lovely, her smooth girlish bosom covered in deep passionate red, now heaving as she breathed heavily looking torn, questions in her gaze, her long throat, a gold necklace enhancing its beauty even more and those lips, small, innocent, glistening in pearly pink, a little parted trembling as she tried to come back to reality, he couldn't stop himself, he just walked back to her, and as she took her steps away, backing away, he followed as though a magnet pulled him... when she came up against the wall and stopped, he just stood their gazing, eyes riveted on her sweet innocent face, its sensuality seething underneath, his hand came up when he didn't know, oh the touch of her hair, her gentle curve of cheek, he just wanted to be here forever, the other hand soon followed, her cheek rested in the cup of his palm, innocence against knowledge... he could only stare into her eyes and go near... she didn't stop him, he didn't stop himself, he wanted to just tonight he just so wanted to feel those lips against his, this once, now here now... all sound cut out, he began to swoop toward her, to make her his, to become hers.

how could he lose control like that?

and now she is saying make me understand... he can't... he must push her out out of his life.


and he walked straight in to the bustling diwali party to the girl who felt safe, with whom he never lost control, who'd always put him first and take what he can give... lavanya. he held her hand and said... "shadi kar raha hai," getting married... he looked at no one as he said the words. he'd turned his entire position on marriage, but it wasn't because he loved his girl friend and wanted her to be part of his life... it was because he lost his bearings entirely on the issue of letting anyone, any girl, matter to him in his life, yet there she stood outside the glass door and all he wanted was her her and just more of her. how could such a thing have happened.

her world shattered as she saw him do what he did... 18, in love, with a mysterious, broken man, who aroused her as she never knew one could be, kept her payal safe, put it on for her like a lover would, made her want to be held and smothered with hard passionate kisses, confused woh sab.

and now he is marrying the girl he said he never would. a girl who had become a friend of hers...

tu hi bata mere maula..

his eyes never left her, her tears just flowed on.

this was a night like no other night.


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