Thursday, 10 September 2015

episode 200 a word storms in

there were several moments in the episode that made contact with the heart, but the one which i always remember and it manages to hurt every time was the moment of chot.

a man losing control lunging forward, holding a woman in a desperate grip and hissing through gritted teeth, his voice with an almost metallic knife like feel to it,
"jo chot tumhare vajah se mujhe pahunchi hai, usska kya!"

the hurt i've felt because of you, what about that.

but chot, when he said it, the way he said it, was more than hurt really. it was as if he'd received a mortal blow. as if this chot had a body, a weight, and a lethal nature... it had bludgeoned, it had cut, there was blood everywhere.

yet he said it with minimum fuss, in a simple sentence uttered at speed, before he could stop himself. it hit her instantly, and me.


what was this chot she wondered, she who had completely no idea what he was talking about. in fact, it was her mention of the word while raging at him about how his actions had hurt her which brought it on.

they were having a fight in their bedroom. her disappearance had obviously made him go a little crazy, he had been searching for her "paagalon ki tarah". that touched something first.

this whole thing was so much about arnav singh raizada trying to remain calm and in control over his rampant wayward burgeoning unstoppable feelings for khushi kumari gupta. he had told himself she was no good, mainly because of that instant and utter chot. but she did matter, he couldn't stop giving faraq, no matter how hard he tried. so when he had heard she was missing, he'd instantly reacted, and gone a little mad searching for her... natural, isn't it, to imagine all sorts of things when you do care for someone.

we may say what we like about being rational, asking logical questions (he had considered that at one point) but when our heart, our gut is involved, it's often pretty impossible. shakespeare made othello kill desdemona because of something he suspected, romeo and juliet went on a suicide spree, delilah had to be slain by her her lover in tom jones's classic song, shiva picked up kali in his rage and danced wildly while her body tore and scattered all over the land, crimes of passion is a matter of study and jurisprudence.

at the epicentre of all of this, especially that brutal dragging her to him and marrying her almost tying her to him, is that simple small word... chot.

it connects to the human heart, tells us how very essentially we are creatures of emotion. and when something very close to us is involved in a situation it is next to impossible to be cogent often.

arnav singh raizada's meeting with khushi kumari gupta would do things to him he'd never imagined. he had so tightly cocooned his heart, the place of emotion, in a hard shell of faraq nahin padta. nothing mattered to him. he could manage everything. everything was in his control.

ah that control. so very essential to the character of asr. his world had been ripped and scattered by the acts that embodied lack of control on his father's part, maybe even his mother's... he wanted to regain and hold tight to that very thing. bring something that felt normal to life.

but khushi had broken through that hard exterior, she had struck so deep that even he had no idea. not rationally. but his emotion knew. it felt everything. the happiness of looking at her as she cooked for a shadi, the joy of teasing her with a little flirting and "baat karni hai," the irked feeling when she laughed with nanhe ji making him want to stake his claim, kiss her, play games of shart.

the smiting when he saw her in his brother in law's armas, the ripping of his world when he heard her scream, leave anjali ji.

oh his heart felt everything.

it had felt it for long in fact. even when he was a man tied to another woman. that diwali, then the vituperative heartbreak giving, yes, that time too he had lost control and not liked it. he'd hurt her wanting to hit back... he had gone and gotten engaged to another, almost running for cover.

and later that same waning of equilibrium and lunging forward,
"tumhari sagai ho gayi... kaise... tumne mujhe batana zaroori nahin samjha? why... kissi ko pata kyun nahin hai ki tumhari..." when he heard of her engagement back in 124.

i had written then: and it's all torn out of him, tide rising higher, gushing uncontrollable, submerging dry land, you are engaged... how? you didn't think you needed to tell me? why... how come no one knows that..
oh my sweet arnav singh raizada, "tumne mujhe batana zaroori nahin samjha" you ask. how is she to know that she needs to, even if she wanted to? didn't you tell her she means nothing to you? don't you understand she's too young, too inexperienced to know when you say that you mean the opposite. yet how you long for her to understand exactly this, don't you. someone to understand you as you are? someone to love you no matter what. and that someone is this girl right before you. khushi.

of course, in itself the line was simple, fairly open to interpretation by the actor. and if i am feeling all these emotions, it's really because of the way barun chose to say it. the way he chose to feel it. the way he became asr.

hit and cut my heart.

i can't honestly recall any actor reaching me this deep.

sanaya as the completely perplexed khushi was wonderful too.

"kya?" what, the word left khushi's mouth in a near whisper, wondering, instantly feeling his hurt almost... that word he used in that tone.

a tense exchange... a sensation of two people drowning.

he broke eye contact. he doesn't want to go there... he hadn't intended to say anything but the tension of the past few days and that search, the worry for her had worn him down maybe. how hard he s trying to keep things together... make sure his di is okay... the sheer pressure we feel when we act against our nature... maybe even that si telling on him.

he doesn't want to see khushi hurt, he can't bear it in fact, yet he keeps hurting her.

he turns away... the music underscores tension, madness in the mind.


a stunning profile shot and a battle in the eyes, for shutting out feelings, for control. hand fisted, asr struggles to unlock himself from that chot, that moment of vulnerability. she stares after him, what is this?

"aisa kya kiya hai humne jisse aapko itna dukh hua hai...kab chot pahunchai hai humne aap ko..." what have i done that has hurt you so much.. when have i done this.

he is silent... he will not speak of it. won't? or can't? if he says it maybe he'll break?

he is looking incensed and curiously fragile... she is angry and wants to get to the bottom of this... a funny mismatch of tempers/mood state of readiness between the two... like it often is in life.


at the entrance to shantivan and now here there's a slightly lost, almost as if something inside is struggling terribly to cope sort of look on asr's face. in 124 i think i first saw it...

where barun takes a state of mind, an emotion is really unbelievable. i keep forgetting i am a viewer, this is not for real.. i feel every feeling it seems to me of asr.

in khushi too a heightened lover like thing. how, how have i hurt you? what is this hurt? she looks troubled and almost in tears that she may have hurt him so, though she has no idea how or where or when... there's that need for asr in her too today though he has done all this too her, she jumps into his path... no you must tell me, if this is what you say of me, tell me how... much later when he will tell her, it's again terribly lovely and the way she'd take it... she would think of his pain... understand how much he must have hurt and set out to correct the picture, because she can't bear to have him think that of her.

in the rational world, she should have taken umbrage and sat in a huff, waiting for him to apologise. lovers do not live in the rational world.

~ i hadn't remembered but khushi also loses it and walks off today, so unlike her. that too while anjali pushes her about pag phera. she can't take it it seems... especially after what he says of his chot. and while making jalebi, that is all she ponders.
"aur unhone yeh kyun kaha ki humne unhe chot pahunchayi hai? kab? kahin unhe shyam ji aur hum pe?" so she does think he may know about shyam and her... i wonder where they wanted to take all this in story, have a feeling direction was changed. lovely sequence anyway... they seemed to clash, unite and make love over that one word... chot.

~ the scene at the doorway, when he stops, a strange look on his face, that blanking out, that roil in the eyes and reaches to catch her hand... her instant ire and the fight... why did i feel so many inexplicable things there? a sensitive beautiful man and a clean hearted gorgeous girl, such a love story they tell. more on that here.

~ when he yelled at her, as if in utter relief and asked her to keep quiet till they got home, again a love story. and when he brusquely commanded, "seatbelt pehno" i almost leaped with joy. while dropping her home, he had not, it had felt terrible, how could he not bother with that seat belt.

~ of course, the temple scene was fantastic, the hide and seek, khushi angry nutty feisty, asr darkly terribly angry with worry and other things, the confrontation, the fight in public, the talk of his wife, meri patni, the picking her up. "koi rokega mujhe?" uh huh, not really, you are unstoppable. 

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