Tuesday, 1 December 2015

episode 250 tied and tested

husband and wife. beside that appellation given by society, what is there really in those two words? what makes a relationship? what gives it basis, relevance, makes it essential, part of gene and soul... why are you so indispensable to me? because perhaps you are in my memory, embedded.. in frames and visuals i recall with my senses, and in a settling down within my being that is not sensed by anything that can be named. you are just there in me, and i in you. but can such a set of memories come about in a moment? in a month even? who knows... what if the memories started the moment i set eyes on you and you fell into my arms and your lips trembled?

maybe our memories started even before that, who is to know... but here and now, you matter... only you...

why? kyun? i want to ask you angrily, aggressively, flinging your heart and you away from me, yet when i see you sitting forlorn, my head and heart both yank me and say, turn. palat. no this is not something i learnt in a movie, maybe that is what you think since you love movies so much... not a single palat of mine came from a sweet and lovely film. it came from a call within, to not deny my truth, my reality, to look even when i was determined not to, to feel... remember us in the rain? remember us sindoor smeared under the open sky? remember us by the poolside, then too i had turned because i had to...? remember me asking you tumhe faraq kyun padta hai... and you said it did not make a difference... yet you knew and i knew otherwise. remember the day i wanted to speak, baat karni hai... and i couldn't? even that day i turned before i left. every time i wanted to leave, i had to turn...i need to turn, i want to turn.. as i have every time ever since i saw you and a song rose in some part of the universe and insisted i heard.

rabba vey.

you sit there now, and wasn't it a feeling just like this that sunday from another time, when i thought you would be gone... forever. now i insist on leaving, of not being in your world. so why do your eyes ask me to stay... to turn.

but no i won't turn... i want to so much, khushi! but no i won't.

if you don't turn, if you don't hear, how will i live? can't you see? can't you see? you are in every memory of mine too? i should not be running after you, you call me such terrible things. yet i do, can't you see why? please listen to me... if not my words, my heart, perhaps even my soul... how will i live if you think this of me? how will i breathe... why don't you understand. i will sit here and wait for you... no matter how long it takes, no matter how silly i look to all these people around me... i will wait.

i won't understand. i refuse to let you hurt me like this... why? why didn't you tell me before? why are you in another man's arms? do you even know what it does to me... and yet and yet i so want to believe what you say... i so need you, khushi... i just need you...

i will not listen to you though. i don't trust this world it crumbles again and again... i don't care i have my rage, my own gussa, i will survive, i will.

but i won't, can't you see?

there is no longer a separate me and a separate you...

the moment he entered the room, he knew. something was different... the mobile so garish and colourful and irritating, where was it?

where are they??! the walls are bare... her stars aren't there.

and on the far wall no longer does a bare bodied man stand smiling at his wife. "salman khan ka poster bhi gayab?"

he needs her... he has not spoken but at night, in their room, an expectation of her presence... she is here... no matter what no matter why but here... so near.

but she is not there... she has left him bereft, without her not at all stylish additions, her trademark on his space, occupier of heart mind wardrobe. where are you.

enter anger.


so you did turn. you did. palat. even in anger... that is the power she has over you.

and look at her standing there sadly putting her things away, even though you have cast aspersion on her character... accused her of terrible misdemenour, no shame... told her she is here for you money... yes, asr, she is after your wealth... your heart and being... looks like she has managed to get it too.

now a string has been tied that started with a snapping of it, it got tied even further when you dragged her to you instead of hurling away and thrust a black and gold skein around her neck, you wanted to wring it maybe, but you couldn't... the memories had already started making you husband and wife... with or without society's blessing... pati patni rishta... ordinary sounding two syllable words, yet how they bind you.

he needs order he needs calm and that is with her... though she is a woman of no morals... but with her alone there is peace...

a tense bated anger... he is tired, he is worn out... he needs her... in this room...

"kya kiya tumne room ko..." what have you done to the room.

"isse phirse aapka bana diya..." made it yours again. she is abdicating. no longer will i occupy half your world, you are my entire world and you reject me... what choice do i have now.

he surges toward her... always the ocean, the surf in his movement his rhythm.

"kya zaroorat thi?" what was the need? rough voice, impatience, need, finger jabbing downward.

and again a turn away... unbuttoning waistcoat, such an asr thing this angst expressed on clothes like he is wanting to break free, tear all barriers down... breathe.

he needs calm. and she with him is the only thing that brings it.

"humey laga ki shyayad..." i thought maybe, her halted tone. and suddenly a fabulous out of control spin and reach her... touch. grab her stars and throw. something do something... hurt her if need be. but her eyes say she understands he hurts... and he hurts so much. she is not bothered about anything, just him. shouldn't she be angry and take umbrage? never, khushi knows how to listen to her heart... she has cut through, she can see... and feel. though the words are choked within.

jerk her close, thrust your face into her... tell her you can't live or breathe without her... main aisa hi hoon... i can't handle betrayal, pain, i become an animal almost...

"tum jo chaho jab chaho... badal nahin sakti... d'you get that?" you can't change things whenever you like wherever you like... because you have changed everything anyway and i can't live without this change... don't send my life back to what it was before you... please, don't you see? i need you? but i am asr, main aisa hi hoon? what should i do?

"aur kissne tumhe permission di mere room badlne mein" and who gave you the permission to change my room, i thrust deep.

"kissine bhi nahin, aur yeh baat mujhe aaj pata chala..." no one, and i realised that just today... with one line and break in your voice you slay me. why won't you let me live? sanaya's voice is beautiful, barun's body language is like music, crescendo approaching.

the force and tempo of this movement in love astounding. across two people's interaction a flow of facts and a flow of feelings. the feelings are so real so without any pretense or guile touching and exploding truth, matters little that boss's wives don't wait in common waiting areas or villains don't find their way to the office of the owner so easily nor would someone take such a ridiculous chance... even if they are called shyam and writer makes him say: for his gain he will hack his own leg...

nothing really matters in this episode, yes, payal is a bhoot and shyam and khushi's roles are being stressed as the hero takes leave.

two scenes are just carrying me away with such dexterity and insistence... i really don't need anything else. sorry for this intensely personal writing that moves between account of episode and unaccountable but undeniable thoughts floating through me.

i am no one to you, nobody, this is your room why did i even think i could have a right here... today at last i know i could never have that...

a powerful emotion holds the two together.

they stand there just holding each other... because that was what it was really all about, wasn't it.

he lets his arms drop turning away... stress, pain, written on two faces.

you have accused your wife of sleeping with another man. a wife who is your heartbeat... aisa kyun hota hai...

what's the new drama, khushi...tired tired voice.

"har roz kuchh naya..pahele pati vrata hone ka drama... phir mujhe pareshan karne ka natak... aur aaj kya? bechari hone ka natak..." every day a new drama, first the faithful wife, then the drama of getting after me, and now what? act the hurt innocent one?

you don't look at me... if it hurts you to even look at my face, how much more painful to be surrounded by my things...

rabba vey...

universes turn. and do their own palat.

at the door, he stops her.

"khushi, stop it!!"

just the sliding door creaks, grating... a tense atmosphere in the room...

she will sleep outside, she is determined.

"nahin... aaj hum bahari..."

no arguments, he grabs her...

"ek aur shabd nahin sunna chahta main, na koi explanation, na kuchh aur... ab tum wahi karogi jo main kahunga!" not a word do i want to hear, no explanation, nor anything else... now you will do exactly as i say. you had thrown her out, yet today it breaks your heart that she is even going that way... that night too you hurt, tonight also... same pain... how could she love another? and now she has told you... but you say you don't want to hear. yet something inside seems to have heard and is not letting you do what you always do...

"nahin hum..." no, i... you are adamant. oh he has hurt you... so much.

"khushi, mujhe aur gussa mat dilao, ok?" don't get me more angry, ok? he held her arms and hauled her across the room to the bed... "tum bed par sogi.. and that's final... no arguments...!" you'll sleep on the bed.

and we will be sleepless together. 

all that push pull hurl grab scream shout... does she know the power she has over him? like the night of the wedding, the force and fury tonight. but now it is  about a husband and a wife... the journey has moved beyond  a temple, it is in the bedroom ... and here things get resolved in ways the outside world may never know or understand.

brilliant understanding of all that is human emotion and love in this episode i thought. writing, direction, editing all uff... but without those two actors would anything have been possible.

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