Sunday, 18 September 2016

episode 339 a galat and a gussa

was there ever such gussa
or such exploding red angry love.

in a whole edifice collapsing, like that guest house of 27... something stood rock steady and unshakable this episode. the character of asr.

that anger of his. a part of him inalienable. so thickly entrenched, so true, it almost starts looking beautiful; and when it erupted without restraint, violent and expressed, i felt a rush, a breathing out in relief.

yes yes yes i know this anger and it is authentic, without compromise and sugar coating.

what's more, this time, in this situation, it is justified and really this would be the way arnav singh raizada would react to feeling utterly betrayed by someone he loves.

for that is how he felt when he heard his beloved had brought the wrong one, the galat one, back. incalculable hurt there. anyone else doing this might have been bearable, but "
khushi, koi aur agar yeh karta toh main sah leta... lekin... tum?!"

sah leta. touching.

had it been anyone else, i'd have borne it, but... you?!

the moment the others had left the room, he turned and cut her mid sentence, grabbing her wrist and dragging her up the steps, rough, furious, not thinking, just feeling... raging.

how many times i have seen him do this, sometimes his action has seemed extreme till i've looked into his eyes. always there a pain, almost remorse, oh that day in the office when he'd raged, "nahin hai dil asr ke seene mein," and then ached stoically watching her tears... over time that look has changed and become clearly identifiable as love. she is part of him, he can't be without her... which is why everything hurts so much, much more than with anyone else. even di can't hurt him the way khushi can.

i wonder about this young man who is wrapped in his cloak of anger, out to destroy his demons and dare life... and prevail. his nearest and most loved let him down terribly once. maybe that's why he has hardened his heart, sworn, never again. he was not going to let anyone close. no maybe about it... it is so.

which is why, "
i always knew it... kabhi kissi ko itni kareeb nahin aane deni chahiye... kyunki phir wahi log... wahi log tumhe chot pahunchate hain..."

i always knew it... don't ever let anyone come so close... then those very people... will turn around and deliver you hurt. (a bit of literal translation there... for that delivering of hurt, the suggestion of deliberate action in it feels important in the context.)

he has been to this feeling before. at fourteen. and he cannot bear the strike again. the pain ricochets it seems to me between now and that day, the anger going further and further out of control. his only defence... this flare up.

that word "chot", why can i almost feel it hit my heart when asr says it. i sense him struggling with that chot of his. the day he had brought her back from the temple after marrying her without any explanation, dragging her just the way he did today, even then he had spoken of his "chot" and refused to say what it was.

barun sobti had once mentioned that it was asr's sensitivity that was key. it is. an extremely sensitive tender heart in that strident, arms akimbo, feet firmly planted fearless man.

funny how, the girl who would love him completely would not understand that. at one level, that is fine i guess because life is often that way. what was not fine was the manner in which khushi brought shyam back. and even more not right was the self righteous air she donned about it... she said she was right and what's more she actually thought his sister might not have lived if she hadn't done as she had. saviour, huh.

that was perhaps the most insensitive thing i'd heard in a long time. he reacted instantly, surging toward her, i thought he might hit her. maybe she thought that too... it was a beautifully crafted moment. the directors and actors all keenly focussed on the interplay of emotions there. deserves a gif. it plays in my mind in a loop.

an air of unfair hung about the whole scene. he'd hurt her immeasurably once saying she was the reason shyam had strayed... but he had understood soon enough that he should never have said that and rushed back to make amends. he'd tried for days to make up, set things right. but here, it's as though khushi has suddenly lost all empathy. plus she is adorned in self importance. is this really khushi?

but that there is asr. no doubt about it. angry, outright, straightforward, impetuous and emotional. it was a joy to watch him. and he was not exactly sweet and politically correct as he raved. he was human.

that marvellous possessiveness over his sister, "woh meri di hai... main unke liye faisla le sakta hoon." she's my elder sister, i can decide for her.
what's good or bad for di, i know well... he does actually.

there was also that beautiful asr khushi signature forward backward walk over anger...

a quiet magnificence in his resigned and slowly getting back into shell delivery, "galati meri hai... ki maine tumhe apne itne kareeb aane diya... issliye tumne aaj apni had paar ki...mera bharosa toda hai..." it's my fault, that i let you come so close to me, which is why you crossed your limit today and broke my trust.

had she understood him even for a moment. but no.

she said di might have died. extremely bad taste apart, this was such nonsense.

just leave. khushi, chali jaao yahan se. i said.. go!

he just wanted her to go, maybe because he couldn't trust himself in that state. he is perhaps also the kind who needs his solitude to get back to even keel. loneliness, his most trusted companion. 

if i mention again and again about barun sobti's acting, this is the reason... classic communication in his portrayal really. he paints deftly a few strokes of character, and invites you in, to feel the rest, fill in the gaps. an open, generous mien to the acting. it always lets you in... even when he yells go, just leave!

he may be angry with her, but he will love her and he will protect her and even if she has allowed shyam in, he will not allow shyam anywhere near her, not even in his thoughts.

"khabardar agar usska naam bhi apne zubaan par laaye toh!" don't you dare even bring her name to your lips, he said through clenched teeth, a different kind of fury igniting the air when shyam tried his wheedling. fury grips him unreined at the very thought of shyam anywhere near khushi. this protective/possessive thing is just plain exciting and feels extremely asr.

after all that anger is out and he is a bit settled, that beautiful missing at night. a grown man with a love that is melded in him, a need for his woman, a need for her no matter what... nothing to justify, nothing to show others, his conversations are all with himself. a delving at what transpired, what he said in the heat of the moment. his own words hurt him. he always needs her. does she even understand that? or is a "good girl" not supposed to?

a sad rabba ve rises... khushi's expression is almost petulant.

restlessness in the morning... a laptop snapped shut. jaws gritted. you pace you ache.

she makes jalebi... is it a bit too pat, i wonder. a trifle hackneyed? there is as if no development in her character and what was charming and real once is now just an easy way out. lazy writing.

he has been harsh and he feels its reflected pain.

you turn swiftly before you can change your mind... and pick up the phone. i think of the many times this simple instrument has been your way of reaching her, connecting... with gussa, with pyaar.

she's listless, she sees your name, she is happy instantly... but then... oh that age old lovers' game. she won't talk to you...

you call again...

i feel like tracking every second of this restlessness.

what the... you say.

a slightly lighter note enters frame. so the tide is turning... isn't it a little preciptous? the timing not quite right? a bit of a rush to get into a light happy mood.

she puts the phone in the veg basket and covers it with spinach. khushi cuteness being established again. this is supposedly her... something is getting lost from an episode that had felt real.

he chucks the phone... well at least everything and everyone has not changed.

"di, please! stop it," he snaps at his sister, and this time he will not rush to make her feel better. he is upset angry hurt... this separation from khushi, this angst with her... he can't take it...
lovely understanding of lovers. 

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